""

Friday, March 30, 2018

Grief Is Love With No Place To Go - Living With Trauma


Someone shared this with our support group and I fell in love with it. I thought it perfectly sums up what it is like to parent children who cannot or doesn't want to be parented. 

When you adopt a child, you don't do so thinking, "Someday my child may be hurting so badly due to past trauma, that he will do his best to destroy our family."

You fully intend to love and care for him. To meet all his needs as well as supply some of his wants, just to see him smile.

You wanted to hug him close, tuck him in at night and hear him whisper, "Good night."

You dreamed of spending one on one time with him. Of building your relationship, and teaching him about Jesus.

You looked forward to passing on the treasure's you saved from your childhood. Watching him play with your old toys would be such a joy.

You wanted to shower him with love and affection, because that is what being a parent is all about.

You never dreamed that your child might not be able to handle a close relationship with you. That he might not trust you, even after he has been in your home for 10 years and always had his needs met. You didn't know some children have been hurt so badly in their short lifetime that they may not be able to function in a family setting. Who knew that some children feel safest when they are inflicting pain on others because it gives them a sense of control?

Because you love your child, you refrain from hugs, knowing that he fears physical touch.

You watch from afar as a stranger meets your child's needs because you couldn't keep him safe in your home. 

You listen as your child tells a stranger his deepest wishes because in his mind a stranger is safer than his own parents.

You watch your child make poor choices and long to help him get on the right path, but he wants nothing to do with you. 

You cry as he gets into trouble yet again, knowing the hard road he has ahead of him.

And you feel grief. Heart wrenching grief. Grief hurts. It rips deep into your heart until it feels like physical pain. As you analyze your hurt, you come to realize that what you are really feeling is loss...the loss of an opportunity to love your child in the way you always dreamed.

Follow me on FB@ Tales From Our House Blog

Thursday, March 29, 2018

When You Are A People Pleaser -Living With Trauma

I am a chronic people pleaser. I despise it and am doing my best to overcome this aspect of my personality, but deep habit's rooted in trauma are not easily over come.

I wasn't aware how ingrained my people pleasing was, until I became the parent of children with attachment disorder's of varying degree's. Suddenly I had a little person, or people as is the current case, doing their very best to show the world that their mom has some serious deficit's. Worst of all, they have super sweet charm on their side, while I play into their plan with my fumbling answer's and explanation's.

As everyone who is parenting a child with an attachment disorder is well aware of, you sometime's have rules that seem totally irrational to those outside the family. Explaining why you implement those rules doesn't help because, as one wise mom told me, "Our brain's doesn't work like that of a traumatized child so don't even try to figure out it out!" In other word's, an emotionally healthy child wouldn't need such extreme, well spelled out boundaries because their brain isn't constantly trying to come up with ways to build a barrier that will effectively keep their family from getting close and loving them. They fear love. They view love, which is the first step towards building a relationship, as serious as a death threat.

So what does this have to do with my people pleasing problem? Simply this: I want to appear competent. I want people to like me (cringe, but it's the truth) and my children's lack of attachment sets me up to fall on my nose time and time again. 

One child has well defined boundaries, and he can overstep them and still appear well behaved. He knows full well that he isn't following the rules, and as a result, he quickly becomes overstimuled if we don't step in and reinforce the boundaries. Guess what this looks like to others? Mom is picking on him, poor boy, so we will try extra hard to give him some special attention. That is where the attachment disorder pops up and hypervigilance comes into play. No one need's to say a word, the attention giver may not even be aware that they are playing this "game," but my child knows! He soaks it up and when we are once more on our own, we get to clean up the mess. Worst of all, my child has this person marked and he will always put his best foot forward in their presence and up the charm.

Another child has people charming down to a science. He would never dream of showing his true side in public. It is all smile's and grown up action's....when anyone is watching, but behind the scene's he is egging on his sibling's, then stepping back and watching them get in trouble. When mom steps in to rebuke the charmer and let's the "problem maker" off the hook, guess what it looks like? Yup, mom is being unfair and picking on one child while letting the other get away with a bad attitude. My people pleasing get's a sharp whack on the head from that one. Not that it hurt's me, but oh, how I despise it! This child is knows full well that when he does this, it makes other's think he is someone he isn't while making mom and his sibling's look bad. This is called dividing a conquering. He knows what his actions and moms response look like to others and uses that to add another layer of concrete to the wall around his heart. Most people aren't even aware that anything has happened, but my children know!

Knowing all this, one would assume that as the mom, I would do my best not to get into situations that give my children an opportunity to add to the wall around their heart. Two things come into play here: one is my people pleasing. I don't want anyone to think badly of us so I go against my better judgement and allow my children to do things that I know will probably cause problems down the road. My mentor told me I need to be more assertive, and I know she is right. I know I am not helping my children heal by allowing them to do things that I know will provide an opportunity to hone their manipulation skills.

The other problem is this, my children can, and will, use any interaction with other's to their advantage. It can be as simple as the mailman dropping off a package. My child will give him a big smile and cheery, "Hi!" The mailman will return the greeting, perhaps commenting on my child's good manner's and the damage is done. He drives off, and my child goes into his room and destroy's something. 

This happens with people who aren't strangers even more frequently because the stakes are higher. My children know if they can make mom look bad in the presence of family and friends, they will have succeeded in driving the wedge between them deeper.

I hate these interactions with a passion, so I put on my happy face (now who isn't showing true feelings????) and hunker down to weather the storm I know is coming. 

My dear friend and mentor told me I must learn to be assertive. Stand up for what my children need and bury my people pleasing tendencies. With God's help, I will do so.

Anyone else out there with this struggle? Anyone who has overcome it? If so, I would love to hear from you!

Follow me on FB@ Tales From Our House Blog

Tuesday, March 27, 2018

When Trauma Invades Your Home

How many of you have in a moment of deep pain cried out to God and said, "I wanted to adopt. I knew that it wouldn't be easy, but I didn't know it would be this hard!!!!" 

You wanted to fill a need, not become part of the deep vacuum  trauma so often creates in a family! Especially when a family is unprepared for the depth of trauma. 

We, like so many other's, thought our children with trauma would cross the bridge to us and welcome our love and the sense of safety and protection we could provide. What happened instead was, we crossed over to the trauma side and became victims along with our child(ren).

Your home, once a place of safety and stability, becomes a war zone. Your trauma child learned to be hyper vigilant to protect himself in his previous home, and now you and your family have somehow taken up this same skill. This means that there is always a feeling of tension in the air. Everyone knows how fragile the sense of peace can be. In fact, you almost dread that feeling of calmness because when it is present, you know things are going to fall apart spectacularly.

Children with a trauma history learn to manipulate other's at a very young age. When they come into your home and are treated with love and respect, they don't soak up that affection, then pour it out on others like an emotionally healthy person would. No, they rely on the life lesson's the stood them in good stead up until this time. Lesson's that have been so painful that they have learned them well the first time.

These lesson's include: 
-Hurt other's before they can hurt you
-No one care's about me
-I am no good
-No one will ever love me

A child with this kind of mind set is a challenge to reach. They will push you away at every turn. They will do their best to hurt you because they just know you are going to hurt them. If you aren't careful your relationship with your child quickly becomes one of toxic pain and stress, nowhere near what you desire for him.

When your child has brain challenges in addition to trauma, progress can quickly begin to feel nonexistent. He cannot understand why he feels the things he does. He doesn't trust you and his brain damage prevents him from implementing the therapeutic technique's that would possibly help another child. 

There are day's when I fear our child will become a teen with a preschoolers understanding of socially appropriate behavior and moral standards. You may already be walking this road, instead of only glimpsing it in the future, and you know how very hard it is.

Sometimes when I am at the end of myself, and know my child needs me to intervene to prevent further damage to his fragile psych, I find myself uttering the wordless plea of trauma parents everywhere, "God, I can't. You must somehow step in and help us because I don't know what to do." He doesn't always provide an immediate answer, but he does always provide the grace to make it through one more day. 


follow me on FB @ Tales From Our House Blog



Thursday, March 15, 2018

Why Trauma Parents Burn Out

Why do trauma parents burn out? Is it because our children have a history of trauma and tend to Save Their Worst Behavior For Their Parents? Is it because the parents haven't Resolved Their Own TraumaWhile both of those things certainly affect us, I think the real reason many parent's burn out is because we are trying so hard.




Due to their past trauma, many of our children lie, cheat, steal and manipulate to protect themselves. We know that these method's of dealing with conflict and stress will become less and less acceptable as they grow older. 

So what do we do? We pour our whole heart and mind into helping our children heal. After all, we want them to have the privileges that go along with being responsible adults and we can clearly see the path they are on, is not conducive to such an end. 

Another therapy? Sure, even if insurance doesn't cover the cost. Even if it means the parent loses out on his one evening of quiet time a week. After all, we are doing this for our child and no price is too high to pay.

Another medication? Of course, even if it means you have to research and learn all the side affects your child may experience because of his particular needs. You dare not forget you are your child's advocate.

Keep your child by your side? You are willing to do so if might lead to a better relationship with your child. Never mind that if your child has an attachment disorder he will be angry and manipulate situation's to make it appear as though you are being unfair and unreasonable for requiring him to stay with you. If it helps him, you willingly keep him with you, no matter the price you have to pay.


Special Diet? Sure, even if it means spending hours researching and then still more hours in the kitchen cooking foods your child can eat.

Home School? If it means your child is more stable and secure, of course! Even if doing so means you never get a break, you are up for the challenge if it will help your child.

Another Psych Evaluation? If it will give answer's into why our child behave's negatively, we are willing to hand over several hundred dollar's. You cling to the thought that maybe this will provide the missing piece your child needs to continue healing.

Residential Treatment Center? If that is what my child need's to begin healing, absolutely! Even if it means traveling long hours for visits which cut back on family time or personal down time.

Guess who is supplying all the mental and emotional energy to provide all these things? The parents! What happens when these things aren't enough? They go back to the drawing board and arrange numbers, schedule's and research other options trying to find something, anything that will help their child. 

This scenario is repeated a multitude of time's, even this wouldn't be so difficult if the parents had support.

But they face doctor's who either don't believe it is as bad as the parents makes it sound, have no idea how to help, or are unable or unwilling to take the time and energy needed to figure out what is at the root of the child's issue's.

The therapist says, "Love him more, love cures all ill's."

People say, "Try this, it worked for a friend of mine." Or, "I told you this would happen if you don't give your child consequences."

And since you really, really want your child to succeed, you try things, even when you know they are futile. Because if/when your child get's into really hot water, you want to know you did your best no matter what the cost.

...and this is why trauma parents burn out. We are trying to do everything we can so our child has the best chance at healing and thriving, without ensuring we have the necessary support's in place to catch us when we become weary.

Follow me on FB@ Tales From Our House Blog


Monday, March 12, 2018

You Are Not Required To Set Yourself On Fire To Keep Other People Warm - Trauma Parenting




Parenting is hard work. Looking after all the little details can make even the staunchest brain fizzle and sputter. When you add mental health issue's, trauma and brain challenges into the mix, things become even more complicated.

It is hard to feel as though you are a good parent when:

 - Due to developmental disabilities your child cannot associate with his peer's and as a result, spends his days feeling crushed and inferior. 

- Your child chronically lies to cope with the complexities of his world.

-  When because of past trauma, your child react's negatively to the love and nurture you long to pour upon him. To complicate matters, your child cannot, and will not, heal until he can accept nurture.

- When trauma has wired your child's brain to lash out at anyone who attempts to get close to him. As a result he is terrified to acknowledge that he cannot take care of himself. This means he spends his life feeling miserable and making his family miserable, because he is too scared to accept the help he needs.

- When screaming, raging, and destroying things are your child's primary language when he is faced with difficulties. He may scream because he can't find the milk, because his sock's "feel funny," because he doesn't know what he wants to eat for snack, or because life is simply overwhelming at the moment. When you have multiple children who react in this manner, remaining cheerful and upbeat can be a daunting task!

- When you don't know if your child truly doesn't understand your question or if he is "playing dumb" because he is feeling ornery and doesn't want to cooperate with you. "Parenting a child with attachment disorder feels like driving in the dark."

- When your child presents as a cheerful, well adjusted child outside the home, but is anything but behind closed doors.

- When your child feels the need to manipulate every interaction with you in order to control the relationship.

These things are just a sampling of what a trauma family may face in a day's time. Trying to meet our children's needs without taking on their trauma is tough. Don't ask me how one accomplishes this because I struggle in this area daily. 

This quote has helped me put things into perspective: "You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm." 

To often I feel like I have to do everything in my power, even if it means I am depleting my own resources, to ensure that my child has the chance to succeed. While this is necessary to a certain extent, I need to continually remind myself that if I burn out I will be unable to help my child. "You cannot pour from an empty vessel, neither can you nurture your hurting child when you aren't practicing self care."

So if you are parenting brain challenged children and feel like you never quite reach around; like you never quite reach your child's heart, remember to take care of yourself. This feels counter intuitive, but I am slowly learning that when I take care of myself I find it easier to meet my child's needs without joining in their trauma.

In conclusion:
"Occasionally, weep deeply, over the life you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Then wash your face. trust God. And embrace the life you have." - John Piper

follow me on FB @ Tales From Our House Blog

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

9 Thing's Trauma Parents Need


We need people to listen. I sometimes fear I sound like a broken record when I share details of parenting brain challenged children. My children have various levels of trauma and brain damage so our lives are spent preventing behavior's. Sadly, we are finding that while our children grow physically, in a lot of ways their past trauma still has a huge impact on them.

We need empathy, not sympathy. A smile, encouraging word, or hug means so much. Don't feel sorry for us. We realize what a privilege it is to parent our precious children, but we sometime's lose sight of that. When we begin to feel that meeting their needs is more of a burden than a privilege, your kind words may be just what we need to help us get our thinking back on track.

We need friends who aren't in the trenches of trauma and brain abnormalities. It is healing to be able to unload your latest "poop fiasco," to a friend who can share her own horror stories in that arena, but we need friends with whom we can talk about everyday things like flowers, coffee and the latest book that just came out.

We need people who will encourage us to step out of our trauma life from time to time. It is so easy to get caught up in the chaos of day to day life that we forget to maintain relationships. Constantly having to think ahead to avert a melt downs drains my brain so that the thought of planning, going and doing seem's overwhelming. Then I just stay home. This isn't healthy.

We need people who won't give up on our friendship. I shudder to think of how many times I have forgotten to return a phone call, forgotten a birthday, forgotten an anniversary.... caring for brain challenged children is a full time job, but we still long to be connected with people. Sadly sometimes a full brain means we simply forget. A special thanks to all my wonderful friends out there who continue to include us, even though we are forgetful.

We need people to pray for us. I cannot count how many times I was sharing a particular struggle and a friend said, "I will be praying for you!" That means so much. I have two people who often assure me of their prayers. It makes me feel so unworthy! They have their own family's to care for, but they take the time to pray for us! What a gift!

We need people to acknowledge our pain.  When someone comes alongside you during a dark moment and says, "I see you doing hard things, and I just want you to know that I care," it somehow makes you feel as though you can climb mountains.``


We need people to remind us that God has a purpose and plan for both us and our children. It is easy to lose sight of the fact that there is a reason for the struggle's we face. We need to be reminded that even though it feels as though we are losing ground, God is in control.

We need a break. Getting a babysitter can be tough, but there are times when you need some time away from the chaos to regroup and refresh your brain.

Follow me on FB @ Tales From Our House Blog

Thursday, March 1, 2018

An Answer For Those Who Offer Unhelpful Parenting Advice - Trauma Parenting



Recently Oregon Behavior Consultation asked parents with special needs children to share the advice people have given them regarding their child's behavior. They took those comments and made a video entitled, What Not To Say To Parents Of Kids With Challenging Behaviors. It is awesome! I have heard most of the comments in one form or another over the years. Sometimes I can let it roll off my back, other times not so much. 

A comment from this video clarified some things for me. Nate mentions that the reason these comments hurt so badly is because we parents are already trying so hard to do the right thing for our child. I agree with that 100%. The parent of a child with special need's faces huge challenges every day. We constantly second guess ourselves and hope we are doing what is best for our child. We don't always know what is the best response to an action, or even if what we have seen warrants a consequence or grace. Professional's will tell you that there is no cut and dried method of parenting a child with special needs because so many things play into the situation. Things such as trauma, living situation and family relationships to name only a few.

To complicate things, every child is so different, especially when you add in brain challenges, that many days we feel as though we are whirling in circle's, but fear we are never quite meeting anyone's needs. We are doing our best to stay on top of all the pressing demands, but slowly, ever so slowly losing ground. To have someone come in and tell a parent who is nearly sinking that they should just try ___________, is akin to adding a sack of bricks to the already heavy burden they carry.

Thankfully Oregon Behavioral Consultation added a video you can send to family and friends to help them better understand why you appear to be such a strict or easy going parent, depending upon the situation. Here it is: Why DO Kids And Teens Have Challenging Behaviors?

One comment from this video, portrayed what I have a difficult time finding the words to describe: People seem to think their experience with my child is my child's baseline. Exactly! What a brilliant explanation. That, in a nutshell explains what I struggle so hard to help people understand. The child you see is very different from the child I know. The child you see is either on high alert, melting down, oozing with sweetness or ________ to name a few, none of which show my child's true baseline.

The child you see misbehaving, is acting that way for reasons that may not be readily apparent. When in the presence of our immediate family, he presents very differently. This means you are not seeing my child true self. The same goes for the child who presents as super sweet and kind. That isn't my child's true self either, he is putting on a front and manipulating you. This is why our parenting looks inconsistent. We appear to be to lenient with some children, while being too strict with others. The fact is, the behavior you see is not the my child's true behavior. You will only see my child's true self if you live with us and become a permanent member of our family.

To receive future post's click here: Tales From Our House Blog