tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-64669233419490271102024-03-13T22:15:12.491-04:00Tales From Our HouseA blog about family, adoption, special needs and the love of JesusSandra Zimmermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00848022860630877810noreply@blogger.comBlogger643125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466923341949027110.post-57369589522574664212020-01-31T11:37:00.000-05:002020-01-31T11:37:19.883-05:00Battling Mom Guilt When Parenting Children With Early Childhood Trauma<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-f2Rc0f9POGs/XjRXivGceKI/AAAAAAAAbTk/EMUr0ZhSL8wV8rmMsa5IsNIEUfut8V9EwCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/photo-1475609471617-0ef53b59cff5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="500" data-original-width="334" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-f2Rc0f9POGs/XjRXivGceKI/AAAAAAAAbTk/EMUr0ZhSL8wV8rmMsa5IsNIEUfut8V9EwCLcBGAsYHQ/s640/photo-1475609471617-0ef53b59cff5.jpg" width="425" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Mom guilt, we are all familiar with the pressure's we take on from what society says makes a, "good mom." I have several children who, due to early childhood trauma and other life shaping experiences, seem to have a knack for making me look and feel like a bad mom. All the usual, "good mom" things cause my children to rise up like a wild animal caught in a trap. Make them their favorite pancakes and they, accidently on purpose, pour the whole bottle of syrup onto their pancakes. I won't go into the why's and wherefore's of these actions, those of you walking the journey are already familiar with them and don't need to waste your time reading another explanation. Buy your son a new coat, and suddenly it is no longer cool to be seen wearing a coat in public. He would rather stand in the cold and shiver, and you were trying to be a good mom by buying him that coat! You thought for once you could do something to make him happy. This behaviour plays havoc with our minds because society is saying in order to be a good mom, you need to spend time with your child, you need to buy them nice, acceptable clothing, you need to show them how much you love them so they will love you back, if you let them fight their own battles they will feel abandoned. The list is long and can flip flop at a moments notice.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Those of us who have children with early childhood trauma and/or prenatal exposure can find ourselves in a bind. Doing all the good mom stuff, drives your child away. They fight it tooth and nail and the kind social worker comes and says, "Here is the latest psychology book, I am sure it will give you some tips." You read it, follow the suggestions, and your child becomes even worse. Social Worker says, "Maybe you aren't trying hard enough. If you would consistently follow the guidelines in the book, I am sure they would work." And guess what comes creeping in? Mom guilt. "I must be a bad mom if I can't make my child behave using this book. After all, the author is a well known child pyschologist. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Your friend drops by on her way home from her latest shopping trip and shows you the new shoes she bought for her son. "I find if I buy expensive, brand name shoes my son takes better care of them," she says. You remember the shoes you bought for your son, brand name at that, and in your minds eye you can see the bits of rubber hanging from the soles. He always shreds his shoes, due to his sensory processing disorder, now you buy him $15 tennis shoes...and you feel guilty. Because maybe, somehow it is your fault that he ruins every pair of shoes you buy.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Your sister tells how you she stopped by the school and ate lunch with her daughter. "She was so pleased and excited to see me. It was a great way to build our relationship!" Your sister goes on to tell how neat it was to chat with her daughter's friends and the play date they have planned. Your sister turns to you and whispers, "You should try it sometime, I am sure your daughter would be thrilled, it would make her feels so special!" Your heart drops because your daughter cannot handle having mom drop by her school for lunch. She is still battling the loss of her birth mom and views you as the fake who is trying to take that spot in her heart.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">These are just a few of the myriad ways in which we tend to take on guilt. We look at where our children are socially and emotionally, we see their peers pulling ahead and feel that somehow it must be our fault. Deep inside, we know better - after all, we understand brain damage, attachment disorders, how prenantal exposure wreaks havoc with the developing brain - but somehow, we still feel that we are to blame. As I was pondering this today, the words of a counselor came to mind, "Love your child in the way they need to be loved." For me, this quote brought great freedom. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">If my child needs to go to bed earlier than the rest of the family in order to be at his best the next day. Is it loving for me to keep him up until his siblings go to bed, just because they are younger than him?</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">If my son needs an alarm on his door to deter him from roaming the house, is it loving to say, "None of the other children have an alarm, it isn't fair that he should." Or is it more loving to put the alarm on his door and keep him safe?</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">One child shuts down if I confront her. Society says, "Teach her who is boss!" Is it more loving to be brash and demanding, or to hold her and coach her through the drama of wearing socks for school?</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Parenting "our children" requires laying aside what society, or friends and family, may deem appropriate and doing what is best for our children. Sometimes, "doing what is best," looks an awful lot like being a passive mom, sometimes it means standing up to your child and not allowing him to triangulate the adults in the room, sometimes it means holding her during a church service even though she is almost to big to fit on your lap.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">So if you sent your child to school in holey sweat pants and a top that has seen better days, because that is the only outfit he will wear, remind your self that he is warm, he is clean and best of all, he is comfortable, because the clothing doesn't scratch. Plus he feels safe because you didn't get upset with him about wearing less than acceptable clothing.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">If you sent your daughter to school with foods that you feel are less than nutritious, but they are the only foods she will eat, remember, at least she is fed. You can fight the battle another day. Today you sent her off with a hug and a kiss. Her emotional health is as important as her physical health.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">If your teen went out the door with uncombed hair and no breakfast because he wouldn't get up on time, congratulations, at least he made it to school.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Sometimes being a good mom, means doing the things that society tells you is bad parenting. Rather than give in to the monster of self condemnation remind yourself, "I am the mom, I know my child better than anyone out there. I will do what I can to help my child lead a successful life, but at the end of the day, it is his choice whether he will accept the help I offer." As my husband reminded me recently when I was frustrated with a child who refused my help and as a result was failing badly, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink!" </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Go forth and be the mom you know your child needs, not the mom society says your child needs!</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
Follow me on FB @ <a href="https://www.facebook.com/talesfromourhouse/?ref=bookmarks">https://www.facebook.com/talesfromourhouse/?ref=bookmarks</a><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
Sandra Zimmermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00848022860630877810noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466923341949027110.post-17846425187599990222019-11-29T18:30:00.001-05:002019-11-29T18:30:08.945-05:00School Update<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OYqPZPOSYgE/XeGp8MEwXaI/AAAAAAAAaQ8/GdFgNi13-kQiV-VTdy1uZaWwWmZ1-15SwCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/at-school-ii-1541289.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="240" data-original-width="319" height="300" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OYqPZPOSYgE/XeGp8MEwXaI/AAAAAAAAaQ8/GdFgNi13-kQiV-VTdy1uZaWwWmZ1-15SwCLcBGAsYHQ/s400/at-school-ii-1541289.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">School has been in session for a little over three months and while it hasn't been without its bumps and occasional teeth jarring moments, we all agree it is going better than we dared hope. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I was terrified to send Joseph to school. The main reason had to do with his brains way of scrambling information; then when questioned, he can only remember bits and pieces so he fills in the gaps with what he considers logical answers. In the FASD world this is called confabulation. When Joseph tells a story we automatically take into consideration that his story will likely contain a few figments of his imagination. Over the years we have learned what questions to ask to get to what really happened. For instance he told me his teacher yelled at him because he wasn't finished with an assignment. I asked, "Did she yell like this," and raised my voice, "Or did she speak like this," and used a firm tone of voice. His reply, "It felt like she yelled, but she just told me that I need to pay attention." </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I was also concerned he would unknowingly make false allegations as this is something he does from time time when he misinterprets a situation. We discussed it with his teachers, per a mentors advice, and they seemed to understand our concerns which made me feel a little better. However, one still doesn't know how things will play out in a real life situation. We didn't have long to wait until we were presented with just such an opportunity.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Three weeks into the school year I got the phone call every parent dreads, but particularly those of us who have children with mental health disabilities, "There has been an incident, we need you to come to school asap. Joseph made a threat, but we won't be formally charging him as you warned us that this could happen.</span><span style="font-size: large;"> However, we want Joseph, as well as his classmates, to know this is not acceptable behavior." To say my heart sank to my toes is an understatement. I was sure we had reached the end of the road and I would be back to homeschooling him. I called Dean and asked for advice on how to handle the situation depending how things went down, and then called my mom asking her to pray. Turns out, Joseph became frustrated with a teacher when she wouldn't let him keep talking during class, and in his frustration, he made a threat. The school handled it very well. I was once again amazed at how well they understood my son. We had a level headed discussion together and they made it clear to Joseph that under no circumstances was he to talk like that again. He was sincerely sorry and promised it wouldn't happen again. But I know my son, in the heat of the moment, he just doesn't think and I feared there would soon be a, "Next time." When I shared my concern, h</span><span style="font-size: large;">is teachers rose up to the plate and implemented techniques to keep him from escalating and with those tools in place there hasn't been another incident at school. The bus is another matter, but switching buses and having an aid sit by him, solved those problems as well. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">It means so much to have other adults come alongside us and brainstorm ways to help Joseph succeed. He comes home from school happy, calm and regulated, something that hasn't happened in years. Having him attend school and be successful has opened so many doors for him. It is also giving me the opportunity to do some physical and emotional healing from the past eleven years of chaos. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
Sandra Zimmermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00848022860630877810noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466923341949027110.post-38523532836908104322019-10-04T12:43:00.001-04:002019-10-04T12:43:53.523-04:00Am I A Bad Parent?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Our adoption journey has given me the privilege of meeting and speaking with many parents. Due to our unique circumstances, it is often those parents who have children with FASD or those who's adoption's aren't working out, often due to safety issue's, with whom I have the privilege of sharing our story and hearing theirs in return.</span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;">There is one question I am asked every single time. Sometimes the person asks in a voice choked with tears, sometimes the question is laced with fear and sometimes the question is asked so quietly I can hardly decipher what was said. The question is this, "Am I a bad parent?" My heart hurts for these people because I am deeply familiar with that very pain. It is a question I often ask myself. On some level I know it isn't true, but on a deep fundamental level I can't help but believe that somehow my child's problem must be at least partly my fault. As parents we want to "fix" our children. We want them to be successful, to have the ability to make good choices without their trauma baggage weighing them down. We run ourselves ragged in an attempt to aid them on their healing journey, but sometimes healing doesn't come. At least not in the ways we had hoped and dreamed of when we looked into the future. When failure is more common than success, we as parents have a tendency to believe that somehow we must have failed.</span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;">We, like most families who began foster care over ten years ago when there was very little taught about trauma, believed that we could heal the hurts in the hearts of the little ones who came through our door. We somehow thought that love would be enough. How many times have you heard that quote? How many times have you heard, "Well if you would love them more," or "If you would l</span><span style="font-size: large;">ove them the same as you love your other children," whatever that is supposed to mean, </span><span style="font-size: large;">"They wouldn't have these problems" Somehow the world has gotten hung up on, "Love is enough," when it comes to helping hurting people. Folks, I am shouting from the roof top's, "LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH!!!" Anyway, 10 plus years ago we believed this from the bottom of our hearts. We didn't have trauma training, and the words, Reactive Attachment Disorder weren't even in our vocabulary. We tried to take hurting children and love them so much that they would just have to love us back. At the time the idea sounded logical, in hindsight it was anything but logical. You know how well that theory works, right? It doesn't. And so we began to flounder. What do you do with a child who is terrified of love, or feels he is unlovable? We didn't realize that such a thing was even possible, so I began to think, "It must be me. I must be a bad mom." And the seed grew and grew. That seed was watered daily with examples of why I was a bad mom. My child refused to do anything that I asked of him. As a preschooler, he would go hungry rather than eat the food I made, while happily chowing it down if someone else made the meal. How do you deal with that?</span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;">You think of the urine soaked floors in your house, the holes in the walls, the times you screamed into your pillow because you so desperately needed to release the pain building in your heart. The items found stashed behind your child's bed, the misunderstandings with her teacher, the fights your son was involved in because his brain damage means that he doesn't understand cause and effect. And then your mind goes on to think of how well your child can present in public. You think of the times your child raged and threatened you until you arrived at a friends house, whereupon the threats stopped and a smile appeared on his face. People greet your daughter with hugs and she accepts them, but when you try to hug her she either accepts the hugs but then turns around and destroys something that had sentimental value to you, or she grabs a handful of skin and pinches you as she hugs. And you think, "I must be a bad parent or my child wouldn't act this way."</span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;">You can't talk to anyone other than your child's therapist about the things that happen in your home because it sounds so absurd, and in public your child looks nothing like what you experience at home. If you do venture to speak up you hear one of three things:</span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;"> The ever famous, love them more</span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;"> Discipline more - he just needs a good spanking!</span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Don't worry, my child does that all the time.</span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;">You know loving more doesn't work for your child....although from those giving you the advice, it seemingly works for everyone else's child. So you internalize the idea that you must be a bad parent, because this is not working for your child. But we forget that the people offering this advice often have no experience with something that plays a huge part in your child's behavior: trauma. Our hurting children need love in mega doses, but love itself is not enough.</span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Discipline more. That is such a lovely thing to hear when you are at the end of your rope. When parenting children with trauma, brain damage and/or prenatal exposure, more discipline is rarely the answer. Consequences seldom have the desired affect and what those offering this bit of advice fail to understand is, our children have already gone through horrific circumstances, a consequence likely won't make one bit of difference. However we have learned to take advantage of natural consequences when applicable. If I tell my child not to slam the door and he does anyway and pinches his finger, there is a 50/50 chance he won't slam the door the next time. However, when you take the brain damage from prenatal exposure into consideration, it is anyone's guess if he will remember not to slam the door when he goes through it 5 minutes later. So you feel like you must be a bad parent because you can't get your child to stop slamming doors....or whatever behavior that you child is currently struggling with.</span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Don't worry, my child does that all the time. This one used to drive me crazy. One therapist explained it this way, "Yes, what your child is doing is typical. What is not typical is the length, severity and intensity of the action." All children have meltdowns, but typically not for hours at a time, over the most minor of circumstances. Even knowing this, it can leave you feeling like a bad parent because your child's actions are getting on your last nerve and according to your friend, this behavior is perfectly normal!</span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;">You feel guilty for resenting your child's behavior, this is trauma/brain damage based after all. Your child can't help how he is affected by his life experiences, and so you go back to the, "I must be a bad parent, because what kind of a parent would get so frustrated with their child?" The guilt we heap on ourselves is tremendous.</span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;">You feel like a bad parent when sitting in a new therapist's office and she asks for your child's strengths and your mind goes blank. You know your child has strength's but all your weary brain can remember is the pain and anguish of each and every day. </span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;">And if you worst fears become reality</span><span style="font-size: large;"> and your child is no longer safe in your home and you know that due to circumstances unique to your family and situation, he never will be safe. Despite your best effort's you know cannot keep everyone safe 24/7. Decisions have to made, decisions you didn't even know were a possibility before you entered the world of trauma and prenatal exposure. Your heart breaks because you must be a bad parent if you can't keep your own children safe. This is the point where most parents crumble. This is not what you had in mind when you signed up for this journey. You wanted to aid in healing hearts, not causing more pain and hurt in the lives of your loved one's. All the guilt, pain, shame, trauma, distress and chaos of the years washes over you like a tidal wave and you wonder if there is hope for your loved ones. Failure looms big and black in your face, you feel condemned, judged and left to wither away in the face of this pain.</span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;">But remember you are not a failure!</span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;">-You kept your child safe to the best of your ability.</span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;">-You lay beside your child as he screamed out his inner torment, for which he had no words. Even though you couldn't make it better for him, you were there.</span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;">- You sought out one professional after the next, searching for help and healing for your child.</span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;">-You bore the brunt of deep emotional wounds, inflicted on their tender souls long before you came into the picture.</span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;">-You fought for them as long as you could. Even if your child has crossed that line, the line where she is no longer safe in your home and you need to look into other options; remember love means doing what is best for your child and the rest of the family, even if it tears your heart to shreds.</span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;">-You loved them with all you could, using your resources minimal though they may have been, you wore yourself out trying to be everything for your child and just because you were not enough, does not mean you are a bad parent!</span></div>
</div>
Sandra Zimmermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00848022860630877810noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466923341949027110.post-4782814355599138272019-08-03T11:49:00.000-04:002019-08-03T11:53:41.656-04:00Self Care, Healing & Parental PTSD<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;">I have been mulling this post around in my mind for months trying to find the words to explain my struggle without making my children look bad, or making it sound as though I have completely lost my marbles. I hear other mom's share their panic and despair and I wonder why this topic isn't discussed more...the topic of PTSD in parent's, especially the primary caregiver of children with developmental trauma and/or brain damage.</span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">PTSD is a lonely road, especially when your PTSD is caused by your children. Sweet little, (or not so little) children who have everyone wrapped around their finger. Children who have perfected the art of dividing and conquering the adults in their world, children who are so terrified of a relationship with their parents that they will sacrifice the family they have without realizing the cost. It is utterly terrifying to reside in this world. Nothing is sacred, nothing off limits when trauma is the driving force behind a child's behavior. How do you even begin to explain that to someone who hasn't walked this road? Is it even possible for them to fathom the fear that lies just below the surface?</span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">PTSD is tiring. My brain becomes exhausted trying to keep everyone's trauma from bursting out of the carefully guarded fortress of what I perceived as a safe place. If I can keep Trauma under wraps, don't give it an opportunity to escape, perhaps our family will be safe from those outside our walls. My CPS trauma, (and I am working on that) has me terrified of anyone who has the authority to step in and tear down the supports I have so carefully put in place. I know it isn't healthy to monitor my child's every interaction with others, but the cost of not monitoring them is too high, I simply can't risk it. Too many years of too much micromanaging has only served to intensify my PTSD. I thought I was the only one who did this until I talked to other parent's who have been down the road of investigations, false accusations and deeply painful experiences with those who have the authority to remove a child, the very child for whom you have been burning the candle at both ends in hopes of finding help, sacrificing so much in an attempt to help him find healing. Guess what? We are in this together, we are all afraid because we know our children can't grasp the long term repercussions of a threat made in the height of emotion.</span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-size: large;">Most of the training I have had up until recently, has focused on being available to your child at all times. When they rage, you must be a soft place for them to land, when they scream they need to hear quiet, gentle words in return, when they destroy things you quietly go about your business and don't make a scene. They need you to be the calm, unflappable adult who can take whatever is thrown at you. Unfortunately many children will simply up the ante until you have to take notice, until you have to intervene for everyone's safety at which time the child will turn on you scraming abuse. What kind of relationship does that bring to mind? In any other situation it would be classed as an abusive one, but when it involves our children with trauma histories it quickly becomes a gray area. After all the child is acting out in the only way he knows how and if they are to learn, then they must have someone model the correct way to react to the curve balls life throws. Unfortunately when trauma/brain damage is in the picture, curve balls can be, at the very least, an hourly occurrence. For some reason we fail to take into consideration that our brains can also be traumatized. Or perhaps that shows the great love we have for our children, we are willing to sacrifice ourselves in order for them to find healing. But I now think that concept is wrong. We have to first take care of ourselves. If you are shaking your head and saying, "I told you so!" I get it, yes I was told this for years, but what no one could explain was how to provide self care and my head was so full with keeping everyone safe that I didn't have the ability to search out self care.</span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">What does it do to a mama's heart when she hears abuse and negativity day in and day out, but every other person the child comes in contact with is blessed with a smile and kind words? It wears away at a body. Some days I can handle it while others I want to sob, "Go find yourself another mom, one you can love and respect, because no matter how hard I try, this relationship is fraught with pain!" Then I feel guilty because what kind of a mom thinks, or even worse, says such things to a hurting child? However, internalizing the pain doesn't help either. I have proof, I tried it for years and eventually my body said, "This has to stop or else." The guilt I feel for having these thoughts adds to the layers of trauma, because I long for my child to be able to rest in our love, I long to see my child thrive.</span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">When you swallow your feelings of pain and reach out to your hurting child, only to have him throw your kindness back in your face, it hurts. The pain becomes a physical thing, takes on a presence all it's own and invade's your relationship with others. As one child recently told me, "Mom, you think everyone in the world is out to get us." That was a wake up call to me because I know what drives that type of thinking; unresolved trauma. I also know unresolved trauma can make a person do and say thing they never would if they were operating from a place of love and security.</span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">As is typical in traumatic relationships, walls are built to protect hurting hearts from further pain. Our home is full of these walls. I hated them, but as long as I felt like I have to be everything for my children, the walls continued to grow higher and wider still. A therapist finally looked at me point blank and said, "You need boundaries with your children and other people and I am going to hold you accountable." If I am honest, the thought both terrified me and gave me hope because while I hadn't the foggiest clue how to go about setting boundaries, I also saw a glimmer of light at the end of a very dark tunnel. For years all of my trauma training enforced the belief that I must never react negatively when my children lashed out due to their trauma. In order to maintain that level of parenting I shut down because that is the only way one can endure such an intense level of physical and emotional pain for any length of time.</span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;">I have been praying that God would show me, lead me, to those who have the ability to help our family heal and as the months have passed He has faithfully provided doctors, therapists, counselors, teachers, friends who while they may not understand are willing to listen, and others who have unknowingly ministered to our family. I have had to release my tightly clenched fists and face my fears that in doing so our family is going to be decimated. If I am honest, letting others in is a deeply traumatizing experience for me, but somehow in the midst of that letting go and facing my fears healing is coming. My PTSD is screaming at me, "This is all a mistake, your worst fears are going to come to life if you don't keep micromanaging!" But I keep reminding myself, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome." How often do we trauma mama's find ourselves on the race track of doing the same thing and hoping against hope that this time it will be different because our training says this method should work?</span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WVXOsKEJqjI/XUWsqOiyv5I/AAAAAAAAYC8/i84bZARKelIKAjUdT5V0xjieS5V0JxU2wCLcBGAs/s1600/Self-Care.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WVXOsKEJqjI/XUWsqOiyv5I/AAAAAAAAYC8/i84bZARKelIKAjUdT5V0xjieS5V0JxU2wCLcBGAs/s640/Self-Care.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; clear: both; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: center; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: large;">For me, self care means getting professional help so I can sort through my own inner pain from the past years, setting boundaries (how freeing!!) spending extra time in prayer and connecting with God, acknowledging the hurts in my life rather than trying to squash them, saying no and most of all, building a village of people that I can rely on. That village has been a long time coming, which I mostly take the blame for, but God has brought some amazing people into our lives during this past year and for them we will be forever grateful!</span></div>
<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><br /></div>
Sandra Zimmermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00848022860630877810noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466923341949027110.post-33598328965880760312019-05-23T20:48:00.001-04:002019-05-23T20:50:19.223-04:00School Decision's & FASD<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-size: large;">This blog has been silent for far too long. It isn't that I don't have anything to write about, but more that I don't know how much or even if I should share what life has been like these past months. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">School is one of the many issues we have been working on. </span><span style="font-size: large;">Two years ago we decided to home school our children. The three youngest were struggling in most area's at school and after all we had been through emotionally in the three previous years, we thought perhaps it would be good to keep them home and focus on family for a while. Home school was exactly what everyone needed except for one person: mom. I was trying to be therapeutic mom, teacher, and therapist besides caring for all the other tasks a mom is responsible for and I was falling short in every area. I finally told Dean, "I can't do this anymore!!!" In reality it was more of a major meltdown on my part with me sobbing my heart out because I was so overwhelmed. We started discussing the possibility of sending the girls to school. We knew they would need a school that could meet both their academic needs as well as understanding a bit about trauma. Thankfully God opened doors and we found a school that will fit their needs. Even though the thought of sending the girls to school sometimes feels a bit overwhelming, we are hoping and praying that it will help them grow and flourish.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">We had Joseph tested via the school district and the results showed pretty much what we thought. Now we have to decide do we send him to school or not? Homeschooling was exactly what he needed, but he is a very intense child and keeping him safe from all the potential dangers in his world drains me. His social skills are really poor which can be typical for those with FASD and his specific genetic problem, but is school the answer? He is incredibly vulnerable and I shudder to think what could happen if we send him to school, the flip side is are we depriving him of an opportunity to bloom by keeping him home? The public schools have access to many services he will might never have if we don't send him. I know my trust issues are playing a big role in this... I have so many fears, although in my defense they are all legit!</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">A story to emphasize my point: The other day I bought the children each a box of french fries as a reward. They ate them as we drove because....well, those of you who have children with developmental trauma know taking them into a restaurant alone can be disastrous! I bought them each a large box because they hadn't had much for lunch so I knew they would be hungry. We came home and Joseph asked me for a snack. I told him he had just eaten his french fries and that was enough food. He has no sense of portion control and will eat until he is sick if we aren't careful so we have a rule that he has to ask before getting food. He promptly burst into tears and said he was still hungry because he shared his fries with Lia. I asked a few questions and he said, "Lia asked if I have extra and I didn't want her to starve so I gave her mine!" I couldn't imagine that Lia had eaten two boxes so I asked for more details. Turned out he had given her a small handful, which to him meant he hadn't gotten enough, thus he was "starving!" He was thoroughly upset with me because he was soooo hungry and I wouldn't let him eat anything. He proceeded to tell me I was mean, I didn't like him, and just wanted him to starve. I finally put him to bed with his stuffed animal and weighted blanket, he lay there and sobbed his heart out, leaving me feel like a terrible mom. Joseph misinterprets so many things, he cannot read people's expressions, and confuses fact with fiction...scary stuff when working with mandated reporters.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"> All these years I have tried so hard to be everything for my children because if I didn't who would? It took a kind friend asking, "What is the worst thing that could happen if you give yourself a break?" I had to think about that and the answers weren't easy because the things that could happen are huge, terrifying things. Things that I want to avoid at all costs, but the alternative is not being there to meet any of their needs because I am too burned out. Please tell me I am not the only "trauma mama" out there who micromanages just to keep things from collapsing. For me, it is easier to run myself ragged rather than deal with the fallout from those who, well intentioned or no, try to tell us how to care for our children. </span><span style="font-size: large;">So often I want to put my head in my hands and say, "If it were that easy, we wouldn't be where we are now!!!" </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">We are praying for a perfect "education plan" for Joseph, one that would meet his needs and one that we could feel good about. I don't know if such a thing exists but if it does, we are praying for it!</span></div>
Sandra Zimmermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00848022860630877810noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466923341949027110.post-14966192646351878712019-02-26T11:12:00.003-05:002019-02-26T11:12:58.934-05:00Empathy - A Balm For The Parental PTSD Brought On By Your Child's Trauma<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kv9rwEiX5jc/XHVlOafgelI/AAAAAAAAP7M/BDIRpee55zcCpEqvMamh1Mx3ReR8xv7kQCLcBGAs/s1600/flower-2372998__340.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="340" data-original-width="440" height="494" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kv9rwEiX5jc/XHVlOafgelI/AAAAAAAAP7M/BDIRpee55zcCpEqvMamh1Mx3ReR8xv7kQCLcBGAs/s640/flower-2372998__340.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I have been mulling over this post for the past several weeks. I have typed and deleted posts one after the other because they didn't adequately portray what I had on my heart. I am not sure this one is any better, but after being contacted by various people, I am going to give it my best shot. I don't want people reading this post to feel that the life of a trauma parent is without blessings and success because it isn't that way at all. Nor do I want to give the illusion that I am on the brink of a break down, although that can be a distinct possibility for a trauma parent at any given time. Rather, I want to give a glimpse, inadequate though it is, into the thought processes of those of us who parent children who's very existence was built upon trauma, pain and loss. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I have been amazed at the hundreds of shares and comments my post, <a href="https://talesfromourhouse.blogspot.com/2019/01/when-your-childs-trauma-causes-parental.html">When Your Child's Trauma Causes Parental PTSD</a>, generated. In reading the comments it was clear that those of us parenting children/teens with early childhood trauma are all in the same boat. We are all weary, begging for non existent or hard to attain services and burning out in the process. There is a chronic lack of resources, time and funding necessary for those in our care to succeed. To compensate, we as caregivers pour everything we have into our children in order to keep them and their peers safe while maintaining the family unit,</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Being teacher, parent and therapist to one or more children is simply too much, but we find ourselves filling those roles and more, because the alternative requires stepping through the right hoops in the correct order to possibly attain services that may or may not be successful. The enormity of our child's needs can be overwhelming at best and when you feel alone in your journey you can be sucked into an abyss of fear and anxiety. In my previous post many people commented that they had hoped I would have some answers to this dilemma, but unfortunately I am searching along with you all. However I do have one ray of hope, empathy. Having someone come alongside you and ask how things are going and offer a listening ear allows us to let go of just a little of that debilitating stress that hovers over us at all times. Knowing someone cares may be the only thing that keeps a parent from throwing himself under the bus in a desperate attempt to save a child who is falling apart. That probably sounds extreme but those of us in the trenches of trauma know it is anything but extreme. The lengths we will go too, even at great harm to ourselves is a testament of our desire to see our child happy and in a good place emotionally. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">There are things that happen in our home's, things that no one beside's the child's therapist and a few close, trustworthy friends will ever know about. Our children act out their trauma in the only way they know how and sometimes it is truly frightening to see and we know that we dare not leak out such information both for the child's sake and because we have already experienced the shocked expressions when we shared before. There is something particularly defeating to know your story, or your child's story, is so painful that others can't read or hear about it, but you are required to live with this desperation and do so with a smile on your face.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I used to think that in order to truly empathize with someone, I needed to experience similar circumstances, but that isn't true. Having said that I will say there is a special healing that takes place when you are broken and someone who has come through the trial you are currently ensconced in,shares their story and offers words of comfort. This weekend after a rough evening away my daughter had a typical trauma reaction. I heard her sobbing her heart out in her bed. I left her cry for awhile before going to her and asking questions. Her first words were, "Mom, will you cry with me?" Now I haven't lost my bio family, I haven't endured many of the things she has, but my heart could hurt with hers. We cried, we talked about our hurts, talked about the losses in our lives and how seeing other people happy can feel like your heart is being ripped out when you are so sad inside. As a child, she had no concept of my losses and what was driving my tears, but we shared our grief and that lessened the pain.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">This parenting journey is hard. Things like abuse, trauma, neglect and prenatal exposure bring untold pain. We discuss things with our children that weren't even on the radar when we were their age. Life has taught them at an early age that pain is around every corner and sadly, as unprepared parents, we took on their trauma responses and developed our own PTSD. There isn't much people, outside of professionals, can do for us, but you can pray and encourage us. It might become wearying to ask how things are going and hear the same worn out response, "We are hanging on by a thread, please keep us in your prayers." But think how much more exhausting it is to live this life...to have so much trauma that the thought of tomorrow brings fear and anxiety? Imagine living with that for years? Imagine seeing your child in so much emotional pain that he can barely breathe and knowing that no one can or will help you? Imagine a child who has been so conditioned to destroy everything those around him hold dear in order to keep up a wall between himself and you, that he decimates the lives of his family? Imagine cringing at the thought of your child walking in the door from school, or fearing that he won't come home at all and you will have to call the police again. Imagine the hopelessness of feeling as though no one can help your child, no one can help you? Imagine life without joy, life without hope....that is what trauma does, it sucks the joy and hope out of the life of it's victim and then goes on to claim those closest to him. Trauma victims and their loved ones live this life every day. You may not see it, they will go to great lengths to spare you, but it is there simmering under the surface, begging for someone to care enough to listen.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">As victims of trauma we are told to count our blessings, practice self care and remember that God has a plan... and our hearts bleed a bit more because sometimes the only blessings we can come up with are things like having air to breathe (and in reality you sometimes can't help but wish that the air would just vanish so you don't have to do this anymore). When there is no energy for self care because even breathing hurts, and in your humanness the thought comes to mind that if this is God's plan then this is too hard and you don't want to continue on, it is at these times that we need people to hold up our weak arms. You might not be able to provide the services my child needs, you might not have thousands of dollars lying in a drawer just awaiting a needy child, you might not have time to get the necessary training so you can babysit a child with attachment disorder, but you can care. You can offer encouragement and speak words of truth into a suffering parents ear. Your kind gesture may be all that is keeping a hurting parent afloat. As one parent so aptly put it, "Why can't the people telling me to practice self care realize that my hair is on fire and my hands are tied?" In other words, trauma parents, especially those of us who have children with complex trauma, can't afford the price of self care be it the physical price or the horrific repercussions in terms of behavior. When we can't get a break, your kindness and thoughtfulness may be the only be the only thing standing between us and complete and utter chaos.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">This post is totally from a parents point of view. I in no way intend to discredit the pain and anguish a child endures concerning the circumstances that are behind the behaviors that can drive a parent into the ground, that is a topic for another post.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Follow me on FB@ <a href="https://www.facebook.com/talesfromourhouse/?ref=bookmarks">Tales From Our House Blog</a></span><br />
<div style="color: #202124; font-family: Roboto, RobotoDraft, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; min-height: 100%; position: relative;">
<div class="nH" style="width: 1366px;">
<div class="nH" style="position: relative;">
<div class="nH bkL">
<div class="no" style="display: flex; float: left; width: 1366px;">
<div class="nH bkK nn" style="float: left; min-height: 1px; overflow: hidden; width: 1123px;">
<div class="nH">
<div class="nH">
<div class="nH ar4 z">
<div class="">
<div class="AO" style="position: relative;">
<div class="Tm aeJ" id=":3" style="background: white; height: 552px; overflow-y: scroll; padding-right: 0px;">
<div class="aeF" id=":1" style="min-height: 362px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: bottom;">
<br /><div class="nH">
<div class="nH" role="main">
<div class="nH g">
<table cellpadding="0" class="Bs nH iY bAt" role="presentation" style="border-collapse: collapse; border-spacing: 0px; display: block; padding: 0px; position: static !important; width: 1038px;"><tbody></tbody></table>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
<div class="nH bAw nn" style="float: left; height: 600px; min-height: 1px; min-width: 56px; transition-duration: 0.15s; transition-property: min-width, width; transition-timing-function: cubic-bezier(0.4, 0, 0.2, 1); width: 56px; z-index: 2;">
<div aria-label="Side panel" class="brC-aT5-aOt-Jw" role="navigation" style="background-color: white; border-left: 1px solid rgb(241, 243, 244); box-sizing: border-box; display: flex; flex-direction: column; height: 600px; overflow: hidden; position: relative; width: 56px;">
<div class="brC-aT5-aOt-bsf-Jw" style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex: 1 0 auto; margin-bottom: 56px;">
<div class="brC-bsf-aT5-aOt" role="tablist" style="-webkit-box-flex: 1; flex-grow: 1; height: 100px; outline: none; user-select: none;" tabindex="0">
<div aria-label="Get Add-ons" aria-selected="false" class="bse-bvF-I aT5-aOt-I" id="p2DdMb" role="tab" style="cursor: pointer; height: 56px; outline: none; pointer-events: none; position: relative; transition: all 0.3s cubic-bezier(0.4, 0, 0.2, 1) 0s; user-select: none; width: 56px;">
<div class="aT5-aOt-I-JX-Jw" style="align-items: center; background-color: transparent; background-image: url("https://www.gstatic.com/images/icons/material/system/1x/add_grey600_24dp.png"); background-position: center center; background-repeat: no-repeat; background-size: 20px 20px; border-radius: 50%; display: flex; height: 40px; left: 8px; pointer-events: auto; position: absolute; top: 8px; transition: all 0.3s cubic-bezier(0.4, 0, 0.2, 1) 0s; width: 40px;">
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
<div aria-label="Side panel" class="brC-dA-I-Jw" style="bottom: 0px; display: flex; height: 56px; overflow: hidden; position: absolute; right: 0px; width: 56px; z-index: 2;">
<div aria-label="Hide side panel" aria-pressed="false" class="aT5-aOt-I brC-dA-I" role="button" style="bottom: 0px; cursor: pointer; height: 56px; outline: none; pointer-events: none; position: relative; transition: all 0.3s cubic-bezier(0.4, 0, 0.2, 1) 0s; user-select: none; width: 56px;" tabindex="0">
<div class="aT5-aOt-I-JX-Jw" style="align-items: center; background-position: center center; background-repeat: no-repeat; background-size: 20px 20px; border-radius: calc(38px); display: flex; height: 40px; left: 8px; pointer-events: auto; position: absolute; top: 8px; transition: all 0.3s cubic-bezier(0.4, 0, 0.2, 1) 0s; width: 40px;">
<svg class="aT5-aOt-I-JX" enable-background="new 0 0 24 24" fill="#5F6368" height="20px" id="Layer_1" version="1.1" viewbox="0 0 24 24" width="20px" x="0px" xml:space="preserve" y="0px"><path d="M8.59,16.59L13.17,12L8.59,7.41L10,6l6,6l-6,6L8.59,16.59z"></path><path d="M0,0h24v24H0V0z" fill="none"></path></svg></div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
<div class="dJ" style="clear: both; height: 0px; overflow: hidden;">
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
<div class="vY nq" style="color: #202124; font-family: Roboto, RobotoDraft, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; height: 664px; left: 0px; position: absolute; top: 0px; visibility: hidden; width: 1366px; z-index: -2;">
</div>
<div style="color: #202124; font-family: Roboto, RobotoDraft, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;">
<div>
</div>
</div>
<iframe aria-hidden="true" id="oauth2relay333394407" name="oauth2relay333394407" src="https://accounts.google.com/o/oauth2/postmessageRelay?parent=https%3A%2F%2Fmail.google.com&jsh=m%3B%2F_%2Fscs%2Fabc-static%2F_%2Fjs%2Fk%3Dgapi.gapi.en.ttz5sCw0Xf8.O%2Frt%3Dj%2Fd%3D1%2Frs%3DAHpOoo_oOi9ksQWyFl0XwzC8sAKr1N_gBw%2Fm%3D__features__#rpctoken=1427043415&forcesecure=1" style="color: #202124; font-family: Roboto, RobotoDraft, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; height: 1px; position: absolute; top: -100px; width: 1px;" tabindex="-1"></iframe></div>
Sandra Zimmermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00848022860630877810noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466923341949027110.post-79304829424252502762019-02-05T16:08:00.003-05:002019-02-05T16:11:05.513-05:00When A Special Needs Parent Fall's Into A Hole<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div>
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-nEVwtygyBqY/XEc8hqsDHmI/AAAAAAAAPZ0/38dbTLo4rLEDHRkJ1OZPzpGbbUW0yaZHQCLcBGAs/s1600/51126620_2259318700780799_8469623418348634112_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="960" height="640" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-nEVwtygyBqY/XEc8hqsDHmI/AAAAAAAAPZ0/38dbTLo4rLEDHRkJ1OZPzpGbbUW0yaZHQCLcBGAs/s640/51126620_2259318700780799_8469623418348634112_n.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">I had to chuckle a little when I saw this quote come up in my FB feed. I think it accurately describes what we special needs parents feel at times. Our lives are so complex and so confusing that those who haven't walked this road must wonder at us sometimes! </span></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">Even as I chuckled, I had to admit it was 100% spot on. For many of us, our children's disabilities are hidden and no one knows what goes on inside the walls of our homes. Explaining a complex, invisible disability is hard. I often find myself lacking the words to adequately convey my child's needs and end up sounding like an over protective mom.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">As you all know, taking a day off work won't fix the problem, it might not even help the problem. If you could take ten years off and still receive a paycheck so you could be with you child 24/7 you would most certainly make some progress.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">Doctor's are a necessary part of this journey but too many of them don't have the time to spend individually with their patients to really learn what is happening. It is much easier to prescribe a medication, send the child home and have the parent call if there are problems. And trust me, our prenatally exposed children are so complex that there will be problems. The parent has to decide if they are giving the medication a fair trial, if the child is reacting to the medication, if it is due to a previously unknown trauma trigger, or could it be that this new med doesn't mix with the other medications he is taking? The doctor may have answers or he may not. Prenatal alcohol exposure means our child's brain may react in any one of a hundred unusual ways. Then there are the new behaviors that pop up and you have to figure out if the new medication is causing it, or has the medication helped relax the child enough that he is able to expose another layer of trauma? Other doctor's take one look at the child and say, "He is fine, you just need to be firmer with him." Still others say, "He is too young to be exhibiting these symptoms, are you sure that is what is happening? Perhaps you are only imagining things?" There was a time we had so many doctors, therapists and medications on board that things were absolute chaos. We ended up eliminating them one by one and starting back at ground zero to try to make sense of things. It would have been so nice to have a professional who truly understood our child(ren) and would have sorted out the mess, but unfortunately there wasn't anyone with those credentials who could help us as we didn't meet certain criteria and/or hadn't gone up the necessary rungs of the ladder in the correct order so we didn't apply.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">Behavioral services are rife with loophole's. You think you have your I's dotted and your T's crossed only to find out that they can't help you due to budget cut's, time constraint's, age, diagnosis etc. etc. It is maddening to fill out reams of paperwork only to discover you have once more reached a dead end. They push you off to another department or another colleague and, I suspect, breathe a sigh of relief that you are no longer their problem.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">Nobody has money for the services our children need, I admit their diagnosis cause them to be a bottomless bucket of needs. It isn't their fault, they didn't ask for this, but the fact remains this is the reality the child/parents face. The supports, schooling and therapies our children need are astronomically expensive, leaving family struggling. Parents see how certain things could help their child, but can't afford them. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">There are always charities who help with such expenses, but there are more needs than charities. Applying for charity aid requires more paperwork. More explaining, more defending and more questions until you wonder if it is worth it, beside's there is little hope that you will actually receive the help you need because there are thousand's of people applying for aid.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">I have found that knowledge of the prevalence of FASD is still new enough that there aren't as many services available. If my son had autism we would be able to access many services that are currently beyond our grasp due to his diagnosis. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">Then come your friends who get it without you having to explain a thing. When you simply say, "It's been rough today," they smile, give you a hug and reply, "I understand," and drop what they are doing to help you out. And it means so much because you know that their plate is every bit as full as your own. Having friends and family who care is vital in providing the courage to get up, dry your eyes and try again.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Follow me on FB @ <a href="https://www.facebook.com/talesfromourhouse/">Tales From Our House blog</a></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: medium;">*I couldn't find who wrote the above quote, but if anyone knows contact me and I will give credit to whom it is due.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
Sandra Zimmermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00848022860630877810noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466923341949027110.post-77809745105959906182019-01-16T11:43:00.002-05:002019-01-16T11:43:22.266-05:00When Your Child's Trauma Causes Parental PTSD<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yqWeBwDXTVs/XD9dr8Pcx8I/AAAAAAAAPS8/8tKN8iAc_G8mIK3EVgYb4IiqJy4ffEsNACLcBGAs/s1600/person-1052697_960_720.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="667" data-original-width="960" height="277" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yqWeBwDXTVs/XD9dr8Pcx8I/AAAAAAAAPS8/8tKN8iAc_G8mIK3EVgYb4IiqJy4ffEsNACLcBGAs/s400/person-1052697_960_720.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Trauma. What comes to mind when you hear that word? In the world of adoption, we automatically tend to think separation from birth parents, neglect, possibly abuse, and a loss of what is known and familiar.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">There is more and more information and awareness being spread about this topic, but we don't hear as much about what trauma does to a family. This is probably due to the guilt factor felt by many of us who parent a child with early child hood trauma. We think, "My child has lost so much, how dare we complain about how his trauma affects us???" If you are like me, you bottle it up. You know it isn't healthy to do so, but what are the options, especially when the layers of trauma are deep and complex.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">We, like many families who began fostering before there was much training on attachment and how trauma affects a child, felt that love and supplying a child's physical needs was all that was needed for said child to grow up to be an emotionally, stable individual. Thinking back on our training, I am sure we touched on this topic although it certainly wasn't front and foremost as it should have been. Instead, we learned how various drugs affect the body and how an individual who is using them, may present. We learned how to prepare our homes to pass the safety inspections, how to fill out monthly reports and that type of thing. We didn't learn what to do if a child refused to eat for days because he was mad at mom. We didn't learn how to care for a child who screamed all day, every day, nor did we learn about building an attachment with a child who had experienced the loss of all he held dear, or worse yet, never learned to attach to anyone.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">With that huge gap in our training (and I am not blaming the caseworkers, they had little more training than we did) we became foster parents to children who had been exposed to drugs and alcohol, children who had been neglected, babies who had soda in their bottles rather than nourishing formula. We had children who didn't feel pain, children who didn't recognize their birth parents even though they supposedly lived with them. We had children who rocked themselves to sleep, banged their heads on the floor and ate dog food at every opportunity...and we tried parenting them in the same manner as we did our biological son. It didn't work. Time outs didn't work, ignoring the negative behavior while praising the behavior we wanted to see didn't work, we tried every type of parenting in the book, nothing worked.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Our toddlers became preschoolers and the behaviors only intensified. We added lying, stealing and manipulating to the mix and as they grew and became school age, their behaviors only became more complex. We learned about therapeutic parenting but that only brought minimal changes. We tried therapy, but had little success. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Our children were coping in the only way they knew how, which was by striving to be at the top of the pack by what ever means necessary. It is called survival. Someone who is struggling to survive is not worried about relationships, he isn't thinking about how his choices affect the future, he is thinking one thing only: stay alive no matter the cost to self, or anyone else. I think we have a tendency to forget that even though our child has been with us _____ years, until they heal from their past trauma's and can truly feel safe in our home, they remain in survival mode. Several of our children have been with us for nearly a decade and they still struggle in this area.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Using traditional parenting methods with children who have experienced foundational trauma, for many reasons, only intensifies the behaviors. We have a child who struggles to stay dry, consequences are not going to help her because we know it is rooted in trauma (although I have yet to figure out exactly how, although we do know traumaversaries intensify the problem). Disciplining a child for a behavior they cannot help, does not promote bonding. Another child struggled with sticky finger's, we finally realized that we had to be proactive and check pockets, shoes etc after we had been away from home because this child truly wasn't getting that taking things was wrong. He saw it and his survival brain said, "Take it." Unfortunately, it took us years of trial and error to realize that we need a different approach and the rage and irrationality that resulted from our unsuccessful methods added another layer of trauma to our family. The child who took things, just became sneakier, we became less trustful and things snowballed.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Many of our children battle mental health issue's due to their trauma. While medication's can be very useful and even absolutely necessary, they can also have undesirable side affects behavior wise that add still more trauma. These behaviors often feel as though they are directed at you, the parent, and if you respond in the wrong way it can easily cause yet another layer of trauma.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"> Our children feel safest with us, even though it certainly doesn't feel that way most days. We all let our "big feelings" out with those we know will love and support us through our worst moments. This means your child may present well in public but be a handful, to put it mildly, at home. </span><span style="font-size: large;">We have one child who is a master at putting on a good front. People tell me how well this child is doing and I think, "You have no idea have no idea how much effort my child is putting forth to appear put together, the meltdown's and drama are going to be tenfold in the coming days." It's enough to make me want to crawl into a hole or become a permanent hermit. The well meant comments made in my child's hearing compound her trauma as well as mine. She knows she is presenting as someone she is not, while I remember how another child's similar actions helped lead to a CPS investigation. And guess what we get? More trauma.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Eventually we as parents develop secondary PTSD because we become traumatized by our children's trauma reactions. We dread waking them in the morning because we know we will be yelled at and have abuse heaped upon our heads. If we do something nice for our child, the behaviors will intensify tenfold..so we back off, then feel guilty for steeping back from our child when their negative behavior is clearly showing they need us. But trying to build a bond means that we are subjecting ourselves to more negativity and we begin to feel resentful. Therapist's have told me time and again, "Separate the child from his actions. Love the child but not the actions." I have yet to figure out how one does that while actively building a relationship. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Self care is a buzzword we hear about everywhere, but when you have children with severe developmental trauma/attachment disorders it is tough. I think you need to begin practicing self care when a traumatized child is placed in your home, not when the child has been with you for years and you are hanging onto your sanity by the skin of your teeth and know that any self care on your part is going to come with a price tag, behavior wise from your child, that you simply do not have the mental and emotional stamina to pay. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">You see yourself becoming a person you never intended to be. You see bitterness, pain, grief, loss, irrational responses, fear and pain. In fact, if it were possible to look into a mirror you would see you too are a victim of trauma. You are bound by the same trauma reactions that have your child reacting negatively to everything and everyone that crosses his path.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">And then there are the siblings, "What doesn't break us makes us better," according to one quote, but the stakes are high when there is constant backlash from the siblings who's very existence is built on trauma. Siblings build walls and fight battles in order to protect what they love and hold dear, but trauma knows no bounds causing further erosion in already shaky relationships. Sometimes I look at my family and shake my head in wonder that we are still standing, other times I shake it in despair because the reality is, while we have made progress, we have a loooong way to go and I wonder, "Will we make it?"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Thankfully, there is more training becoming available all the time for both parents and therapists. Training that can help children heal, training that can prevent parents from using wrong methods which only cause more trauma for everyone involved. To all you parents in the trenches of parenting a child, who for whatever reason is making your life difficult, hang in there you aren't alone! Having other parents who understand that I don't hate my child when I vent my, "Big feelings," has been a life saver. Knowing if I call a friend in tears, she will assure me that I am not a failure, that the mistakes I made are redeemable and not all is lost, is such a blessing. Knowing she will sit and listen and not judge or condemn because she too has walked this path and knows it isn't as easy as giving another consequence or standing my ground, gives me the strength to get up and try again. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b><i>" Alone we are strong, together we are stronger"</i></b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">follow me on FB@ <a href="https://www.facebook.com/talesfromourhouse/?ref=bookmarks">Tales From Our House</a></span></div>
Sandra Zimmermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00848022860630877810noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466923341949027110.post-48867915388022838232018-12-21T15:17:00.002-05:002018-12-21T15:17:39.434-05:00Compassion Fatigue In Special Needs Parenting<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-sIuprHLplbk/XB1KIM6uAkI/AAAAAAAAOzI/wxN8sys0Yz45s8OMpllJUjYJriVjKKxHACLcBGAs/s1600/baby-539969__340.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="340" data-original-width="510" height="426" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-sIuprHLplbk/XB1KIM6uAkI/AAAAAAAAOzI/wxN8sys0Yz45s8OMpllJUjYJriVjKKxHACLcBGAs/s640/baby-539969__340.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">This afternoon I came across this Ted Talk: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZsaorjIo1Yc">Drowning In Empathy: The Cost Of Vicarious Trauma</a> and a light bulb went on in my brain. See, I have really been struggling here of late. Life just isn't much fun when you haven't felt well for months, you have traumatized children with health issue's for which there don't seem to be answer's and it's December, the month in which our family has one too many trauma triggers.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">In her talk, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZsaorjIo1Yc">Amy Cunningham</a> explained it this way, "Compassion fatigue is the post traumatic stress disorder related symptoms that you receive vicariously as a secondary target to trauma." Does that ring a bell with any of you who are parenting children with trauma or brain injuries due to substance abuse? It sure did with me! Much of my trauma comes from being the target when my children's trauma overwhelms them and they lash out at the safest thing in their world, mom.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Amy goes on to say that being an empath -having the ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes, and really get it- puts you at an even greater risk for compassion fatigue. Personally, empathy is one of the things that helps me look beyond my child's behavior. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">When my child self sabotage's every fun family activity, putting my self in his shoes and feeling the internal pain he has due to circumstances beyond his control, gives me the ability to view him as a hurting child who is afraid or doesn't believe he is good enough to have a good time...and I can feel empathy versus frustration.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">When my child ruins a sibling's birthday gift, empathy allows me to look at why he ruined the gift versus giving consequences.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">When my child screams abuse at me for no reason, empathy allows me to remember it is a <a href="https://www.google.com/search?q=empath+meaning&oq=empath+&aqs=chrome.1.69i57j0l2j69i61j0l2.5381j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8">traumaversary</a> and not to internalize the words. E</span><span style="font-size: large;">mpathy allows me to hold my child and remember that he lost his first family and he still yearns for the approval of his birth mom. The words he is screaming come from a wound deep inside and while they are directed at me, I must not take them personally.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">When my child pours on the charm for anyone outside the family but dishes out rages and put downs the remainder of the time, empathy reminds me that we are her safe place.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">As the parent of a child with trauma or brain injuries, you are always on call. You can't say, "I am "compassioned out", I have nothing left to give, no rages today!" Quite honestly, on the days when you feel that way, your child is going to be extra challenging because he senses that his strong rock is wavering. His anxiety is going to skyrocket which will trigger the behavior's, which will mean you have to intervene. Again, and again, and again and as the years pass you will find yourself changing. Things that you were once able to overcome with only a small struggle, will loom larger and larger. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">As you walk through trauma with your children, you may find yourself triggered by their trauma, but as a good parent you will tell yourself that you have to remain strong for your child. If you don't who will? You will see your child going into trauma mode and your stomach will clench, you feel weak and panicked because you know what is coming and you know that even though your heart feels drained of empathy, you are going to need to fake it because without empathy on your part, things are going to go down fast and hard. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZsaorjIo1Yc" style="font-size: x-large;">Amy Cunningham</a><span style="font-size: large;"> shared how burn out and compassion fatigue were once confused. Here is her explanation of how they differ, " Burn out is being worn out and tired, and just flat out not liking your job. Compassion fatigue has to do with being afraid. Compassion fatigue begins to change your hard wiring, change who you are. We see this in Child Protection Workers. They become over vigilant, believing that everyone is out to hurt them and their family." Sound familiar? It sure does to me! The memories of a child sharing their story, a child sobbing until they are breathless because of the pain in their hearts, a child begging you to help them and knowing you are helpless...these memories don't go away. When you love a child, you hurt when they hurt, and our children hurt a lot.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">We like to think we will be fine, and can take years of this trauma but as I am finding out, it catches up to us. My doctor told me recently that I got in trouble health wise because, "You were too busy being a mom for too many years." I didn't tell her, but she only knows a fraction of our story. My brain and body had been shouting for years trying to get my attention but I didn't see any alternative. If I am honest, I still don't. Amy says that what many of us do is buckle down and work a little harder. We have this mindset that if I work just a little harder, I can make this trauma go away. That isn't rational thinking, especially in the area of parenting traumatized, brain damaged children. I mean really, we know we can't make the damage go away, but sometimes in our panic we act as though we think by doing more therapy, finding another doctor, finding another RTC, putting up more alarms and camera's...then things will get better.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Another sypmtom of compassion fatigue that Amy mentions is not having enough; not enough resources, not enough thanks. "At the beginning, when you agreed to do ___________ did you know you were going to be under appreciated etc, but did you say, it's okay, I love you enough that I am willing? Then somewhere along the way it was no longer okay. It is no longer okay that I am not thanked, that I don't have what I need to succeed? What that tells me is that your circumstances didn't change, you did." WOW! </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Amy makes mention of the oxygen mask metaphor. Say you are flying with your children and the need to use the masks arises. In order for you to help your children, you need to first put on your own mask. As any parent knows, your instinct is to protect your children before yourself. I remember the other month when Kiana and I were both sick and I needed to see the doctor asap. He said I can take Kiana's appointment and bump her's back a week. I felt so guilty doing so and he reminded me of the oxygen mask metaphor. "If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be here to take care of your children." We like to think that we are super parents and can care for our children before caring for ourselves, because that is what we do, right? But we forget that without putting on our own oxygen mask's, we will be unable to help our children. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Having said all that, I KNOW I cannot give from an empty vessel, I KNOW I cannot give what I don't have but the fact remains that if I stop, my children will crash and what is life without ones children? So, like so many of you, I find myself giving, struggling a little more each day, but still giving because what is the alternative?</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"> However, for me, knowing the why behind my struggles gives me a little hope, just enough to get up and try again in the morning. Amy suggest's ten minute's of self care daily to help alleviate compassion fatigue, but personally, once one has gone into full blown compassion fatigue, ten minute's is woefully inadequate. Since we have begun homeschooling, the children go to their rooms to read for at least 1.5 hours every afternoon. I need that quiet time to regroup. Sometimes I feel guilty because what mom needs a break from her children, then I remind myself of the oxygen mask metaphor and use that time time to regain my equilibrium. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Follow me on FB@ <a href="https://www.facebook.com/talesfromourhouse/?ref=bookmarks">Tales From Our House Blog</a></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
Sandra Zimmermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00848022860630877810noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466923341949027110.post-27052813827835679922018-12-03T11:54:00.002-05:002018-12-03T11:54:47.871-05:00The Daily Struggle Of Parenting A Child With FASD<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-C0_E7XNkyiw/XAVfjkNbIbI/AAAAAAAAOpo/IGvu_FnSYV8ZAzHJEcmjexv9X5XB68wwwCLcBGAs/s1600/portrayal-89189__340.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="340" data-original-width="480" height="452" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-C0_E7XNkyiw/XAVfjkNbIbI/AAAAAAAAOpo/IGvu_FnSYV8ZAzHJEcmjexv9X5XB68wwwCLcBGAs/s640/portrayal-89189__340.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"> Does anyone else struggle with the intensity of parenting your child with FASD? Maybe it is a personal problem of mine, because I can be floating along providing the structure and support my child needs, and then I get a glimpse into the lives of those who's children do not require mom and dad to constantly be on guard to thwart a meltdown or catastrophic event, and down I go. I can't help but wonder what life would be like if we didn't have to subconsciously be on guard all the time.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Constant Supervision:</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">He has to ask for permission to use the bathroom -because unless he is in his room, I need to be right by his side or he WILL get into something he shouldn't. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Ask for permission to flush said toilet -I can quickly forget he is in the bathroom and the longer he is in there, the more things he can and will find to flush down the toilet. On the days when he is dysregulated, I need to check the toilet because who feels like digging unflushable's from a full toilet?!?</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Listen to make sure his door latches as he goes back to his bedroom -because he learned if he doesn't latch his door, he can sneak out of said room without my being aware and roam the house.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Check the camera that is in his room multiple times because even though his room is, "Joseph proofed," he can still get into trouble. My biggest fear is that he will accidentally strangle himself because he loves tying things around his neck. And no, he doesn't understand why this is dangerous. He loves strings, rope's etc and even though he is banned from having them, he is sly enough to sneak them into his room without getting caught.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Constant Evaluation:</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">The three younger children sit around the kitchen table to do their school work. If I need to step out of the room to take a phone call or even use the bathroom, I remind them of our rule, "No talking or communicating while mom is out of the room." Without fail, Joseph will talk or make make motions with his hands to get his sisters attention. When reprimanded, he melts down in tears because, "I was sitting here quietly and you say I was talking!!!" If I tell him I could hear him, he gets a sheepish look on his face and says, "Well, I did talk a little, but it was just a little bit!" There are days when he is accountable and days when his not and I have to constantly evaluate whether or not his brain is functioning well enough to tell the truth.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I can't send him on an errand out of my sight without first thinking, "Is he able to follow directions today?" Next, "Is it safe to let him go down to the basement...what is down there that he might get into? Does he have "sticky fingers" today?" </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">As with many people with FASD, he doesn't have a filter on his mouth, what he is thinking comes out, much to the dismay of his siblings (and sometimes his parents). When telling him to sit quietly, we have to take into consideration his ability to actually be quiet. There are days when his mouth runs nonstop, all day long. I often tell him he has to stop talking because my ears are hurting. In actuality it is my brain that is hurting from constantly trying to decipher what it is he is trying to tell me. It is so easy to get frustrated with the continual monologue that flows from his mouth but it is unfair to show that frustration if he really cannot help it. The hard part is figuring out what he can and cannot help.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">It is only when I am not responsible for him for a few hours, that I realize the huge amount of brain power that goes into keeping him safe from himself and the world around him. Someone was recently in our home for a visit and commented in an astonished voice, "He takes an incredible amount of supervision!!!" I felt like saying, "This is a good day, you should see him on a bad day." </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Caring for him is alot like parenting a toddler in an 11 year old body.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> A toddler who has no ideas of the dangers in his world. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">A toddler who is tall enough to reach the stove, the counter tops and who thinks child locks were made to dismantle.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">A toddler who is too big to grab under one arm and haul out of the way of danger.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">A toddler who realizes that other people will give him ten times more freedom than mom and dad, and has no qualms about going behind our backs to attain that freedom.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">A toddler who doesn't understand his limitations, but is fully aware that his peers have privileges way beyond what mom and dad allow. His inability to comprehend his world and the gap between what he wants to do and what he is allowed to do, means he blames the very people who are expending a tremendous amount of brain power to keep him safe. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">It often feels like a no win situation and what is even worse, is the realization that while he is growing physically, mentally and emotionally we are only making creeping progress thanks to FASD and a gene mutation. When you know there is no end in sight, when you know things are only going to become more difficult, it is sooo hard to keep your thoughts positive and embrace the life you are called to, Many mornings find me praying for grace, strength and love because I often still feel drained from the previous days escapades.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">These FB groups have been invaluable in helping my husband and I understand the intricacies of FASD, as well as providing a place where we can ask question's and share in the humor that only the fellow parent of a child with FASD would find laughable. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/ParentingFASDkids/?ref=bookmarks">-Parenting FASD Kids</a></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/FASDaFlyingwithbrokenWings/?ref=bookmarks">-Flying With Broken Wings</a></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/FASDSuccess/">-F</a><a href="https://www.facebook.com/FASDSuccess/">ASD Caregiver Success</a></span><br />
<br />
follow me on FB@ <a href="https://www.facebook.com/talesfromourhouse/">Tales From Our House Blog</a><br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Sandra Zimmermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00848022860630877810noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466923341949027110.post-49793330660717973752018-11-26T11:49:00.000-05:002018-11-26T11:51:21.730-05:00When Sickness Halts The Process Of Healing From Trauma<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-size: large;">This blog has been sadly neglected these past weeks. I have had a taste of what happens when one's body has had enough and things crash in a spectacular manner. My doctor told me I have spent too many years, "being mom," eventually the dam broke and I was in trouble. Basically too many years of health problems that were glossed over, too many years of antidepressants, to many years of stress and trauma compounded with Lyme and coinfections made my lymphatic system sluggish and I was no longer able to detox, and that is absolutely vital when you have Lyme. My doctor likened my situation to a clogged toilet. If you keep flushing the toilet, eventually you will have the mess throughout your house. That is what happened when my lymphatic system couldn't get rid of toxins, they spread throughout my whole body leaving me very sick. Thankfully, things are now headed in the right direction and I have hope that one day, in the not too distant future, I will feel well again.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-size: large;">The biggest casualty of the past weeks, is the healing that was beginning to take place in some of our children. Dean and I have worked hard these past ten years to prove to our children that we are trustworthy, that we have their best interest at heart, and will care for them no matter what. Trust is a huge mountain to climb for children who's earliest moments were founded on trauma. They never learned to trust, rather, they watch out for themselves no matter the cost. This makes building a bond with the child very difficult. We were making progress though, and then I got sick. I couldn't do more than meet the children's basic needs and all those old feelings of, "Mom isn't strong enough to take care of me," came roaring back. Dean stepped up to the plate and did an amazing job, but as every trauma parent knows, the buck starts and stops with the primary caregiver.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">One child was certain I was going to die. No amount of reassurance helped. Her behavior was off the charts and every time we tried to help her work through her fears, she clammed up because she just knew we wouldn't understand. At first she assured me of her prayers every day but eventually she stopped, "Because you aren't getting better even though I am praying." I knew where her fears and anxiety were coming from, but was helpless to reach her. I hate that helpless feeling.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">One of the first things to leave our children when a stressor comes and they revert back into trauma mode is their ability to play. We have seen this often through the years; during visits with birth parents, when Braden was at his worst, during our CPS investigation. During these difficult times, the children wandered through the house crying, whining and getting into trouble. It is heartbreaking to watch, and doesn't get any easier even when you have witnessed it multiple times. The first few weeks after I got sick, the girls sat around, fighting and being grumpy, nothing held their interest for more than a few moments. I was so glad to when things began to change and they could play again. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Joseph, while exceptionally weepy, coped amazingly well. Many people with FASD thrive on routine and he is no exception. We stayed home all day, every day, with the occasional doctor appointment, and those days he stayed with Tristan. He did his school work, had quiet time and played each and every day, much to his delight. One day he wrote me a letter detailing how he will do all my work so I can rest and get better. Plus, he will chip rocks (he does this by hitting small rocks together until the crumble into small pieces) and sell them along the road, then give me the money to pay for my doctor bills. I am continually amazed at the kind heart hidden beneath all the behaviors brought about by FASD.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">So while the past weeks have been among the hardest we have gone through, and that is saying alot, I think there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We have an incredible amount of repair work to do in the relationship department, but by God's grace we will regain the ground we lost these past weeks. Thanks to everyone who faithfully prayed for us, we covet your continued prayers.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-size: large;">Follow me on FB@ <a href="https://www.facebook.com/talesfromourhouse/?ref=bookmarks">Tales From Our House Blog</a> </span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
Sandra Zimmermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00848022860630877810noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466923341949027110.post-10593752004388247202018-10-08T16:23:00.002-04:002018-10-08T16:23:41.727-04:00Finding Peace While Fighting Lyme<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-size: large;">The past months have been one wild roller coaster ride. I thought I knew about Lyme after all we went through with Kiana during the last two years, but I came to find out that I had no clue, none. I didn't know how horrible the human body can feel, how rotten from the inside out. Kiana was unable to tell me how she felt beyond complaining that her head hurts or her stomach doesn't feel well. She would roll and toss on her bed, throw her body against the wall, and scream. I didn't know how to help her, and if I am honest, there were times when I felt she was being overly dramatic. I don't think that anymore, in fact, I now wonder how she kept going with how terrible she must have felt.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"> Lyme has a way of putting blinders about your eye's and brain, so you can only see and focus on yourself not a good thing for a mom. I have been spending my days on the sofa, pounding Heavens Gate's pleading for answer's and struggling to find joy and purpose in life. When I emailed a friend telling her my woes, she said, "You sound as if Pharoah's army is behind you and the Red Sea is before you! That was a pretty apt description of the terror and emotional overload that Lyme is known to inflict on those with the disease. Lyme, coupled with teaching and parenting traumatized children, was pushing me under and I felt like my prayers weren't being heard. Home schooling was/is my biggest struggle and everywhere I turned I was met with another solid wall.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Then last night Kiana came to me and said she needs to talk. This in and of itself is a huge improvement. Maybe the oft repeated message, "Use your words!" Is finally sinking in! Getting off the sofa and walking back to her room required a huge amount of energy on my part, but the poor girl has only had a shadow of a mom here of late, so I mustered up the energy to follow her. She has had some traumatic experiences in life and while some counselling would be helpful, with her it is never that easy. Anyway, she said, "Mom, sometimes I think God doesn't even care about me anymore. He keeps letting me get hurt and I am not like everyone else and it just isn't fair!" </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I had to smile to myself because I had just been having a similar discussion with God. I knew I was being irrational, but I couldn't seem to help myself, now I had my daughter looking to me for answers and I knew I couldn't just give her a glossed over reply because she really wanted help. This is what I told her, "Kiana, mom has been struggling with the same feelings. I feel like God doesn't hear me either, things just don't get better and I feel like giving up. I know exactly how you feel." We talked about sin and how God gives everyone a free will, which means people will make bad choice's, we will get hurt and bad things will happen. We will lose loved one's, our health, our friends, and there will be times when life doesn't seem worth living. I explained that Satan wants her to feel discouraged, he wants me to feel discouraged, and if we let ourselves think that God doesn't care Satan is getting the upper hand. She connected with that thought and we talked about ways we can help ourselves climb, and stay, out of the rut of discouragement even when our brain's and body's feel sick. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">When Kiana jumped over to the Lego house she had built and began showing me her newest creation I knew the crisis was over, but it wasn't only Kiana that was feeling better, I was too! Somehow having to verbalize all that, having to put my self pity aside and come up with biblical answers to her questions, made me realize just how far down the wrong trail I myself had gone. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I saw a quote recently that said: </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><i>"We are too prone to engrave our trials in marble, and write our blessings in sand."</i></b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> C.H. Spurgeon</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I was quite challenged by that quote because in reality, God has worked many miracle's in the past year, but instead of focusing on them I am so prone to focus on the day to day struggle of putting one foot in front of the other. So as I sit, I will count my blessings, rather than fret about the, "What if's."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
Sandra Zimmermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00848022860630877810noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466923341949027110.post-34456799338079310522018-09-19T16:17:00.001-04:002018-09-19T16:17:26.426-04:00A Bid For Freedom - When Mom And Dad Become Complacent<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-size: large;">Joseph has a way of throwing us for a loop whenever we become too complacent about enforcing rules and boundaries. We have multiple supports in place to ensure his safety, and our sanity, and when we remember to implement those supports we don;t have as many melt downs. The trouble is, there are umpteen things to remember. Things like, sensory issue's, dysmaturity, trauma trigger's, and the list goes on. To complicate things even further, there are times when certain supports aren't needed and we forget about implementing them, until something happens and we suddenly realize we haven't been doing _______ for awhile.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">One of Joseph's supports is his door alarm, a simple magnetic door alarm that Dean fastened to the top of his bed room door. We have a remote in the hallway that rings loud enough to catch our attention anywhere in the house. We installed the alarm when Joseph began wandering the house at night and eating whatever struck his fancy. As his brain doesn't tell him when he has had enough to eat, we quickly ran into problems. We put the alarm on his door and didn't say much about it. He assumed it was placed there to keep bad guys out of his room and no, we didn't plant that idea in his mind he came up with it on his own.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">At first we faithfully made sure the alarm was plugged in and in working order, but eventually as he was no longer testing his alarm to be sure it was working, we got sloppy. Then we would find an empty food bag, a stash of wrappers behind his bed or stuffed into a hole in his wall, and we knew we had better keep an eye on that alarm again.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">The other night, something woke me out of a sound sleep. I still don't know what it was, but I suspect it was Joseph's bedroom door squeaking as he cracked it open to check if the alarm was working. A few seconds later his alarm went and I assumed he was coming to tell me that he wasn't feeling well. He has been dealing with some health issue's and I told him he must come get me when he doesn't feel well. When he didn't come to our room, I decided I had better go check on things. I went to look what was going on and found him lying on his bed, hugging his stuffed puppy, Sport, and looking ever so guilty. After questioning him, he said, "I wasn't tired so I was going to look for free tractors." He has a fascination for tractors and recently found a tractor magazine he spends hours poring over. Since I was tired, I decided to accept his explanation and go to bed.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">The next day Dean and I asked him a few more questions, and found out that this wasn't the first time he was out of his room in recent days. One of Joseph's chores is too sweep the hallway, making it easy for him to loosen the alarm, then all he had to do was unplug it on his way to bed at night. Turns out that the other night he sneaked out of his room, crept down the basement stairs and crawled out the window. He chose the window because he didn't want us to hear the outside door squeak, he then went to the shop and rode his bike for awhile before coming back to bed...and we were none the wiser. This folks, is why parenting a child with FASD is so challenging - you never know what they will do! At first we were a bit skeptical about his story, but he stuck to it and the details never changed, so we had to conclude he really had gone out and ridden his bike, while we slept totally unaware. Doesn't give one a very good feeling to know your 10 year old can get out of the house at night without your knowing it! My mind made a few frantic loops, thinking of all the things that could have happened...he was in the shop, a place he is not allowed to be without supervision due to all the tools. He could have brought anything back into the house with him and done all kinds of damage, he could have wandered off into the woods, he could have hurt himself and we wouldn't have known he needs help...Thankfully he simply went for a bike ride and made it safely back to bed!</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
Sandra Zimmermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00848022860630877810noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466923341949027110.post-19299171366449020082018-09-17T12:44:00.000-04:002018-09-17T12:44:01.112-04:00Willfulness Or Brain Damage? <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-size: large;">Having a child with FASD makes maneuvering sibling relationships challenging. We are trying to teach our children that Joseph's behaviors, which bug them to no end, are due to brain damage not a fixed desire to irritate his siblings. Sometimes I wish they would simply show him a little more grace, that would make being the mom would be so much easier! But then I remind myself of how often I fall short of responding with patience and understanding, after one too many challenging interactions with him.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">After an exceptionally challenging day, Dean said, "I think Joseph tries to be kind and respectful, but he falls so far short of it that it is difficult keep in mind that this is brain damage, not will full behavior."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I KNOW it is brain damage and I KNOW he can't help it, but when a child's behavior drains a family of their emotional energy, it is hard to remember that. Sometimes I totally forget and when I begin seeing his behavior as will fill, bad things happen.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">First, whether I like it or not, Joseph regulates off of me. He relies on me to maintain his equilibrium and when I am irritated (even silently irritated), with him he falls apart and tries to regain my favor by doing things for me. Anyone who has a child with FASD will know that these children often struggle to anticipate their own needs, much less someone else's. Having to exert brain power to meet another's needs, means they have that much less to use on themselves which means more accidents, more messes, more tears... all in the name of trying to regain my favor. So who is at fault here?</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Joseph adds his three cents worth to every conversation, unless we specifically tell him, "No more talking!" Then he sits and sulks because, "You never let me talk!!!" Which of course isn't true. After he has butted in and made multiple comments which may or may not have had anything to do with the subject being discussed, it is easy to become frustrated. To complicate matters, the more stressed he is, the more he talks. So if he senses that we are getting upset with his ceaseless chatter, guess what he does? You guessed it, he talks even more. I need to remember this is impulsiveness and/or dysregulation, not will full behavior, but it is so hard to remember when it happens so often. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">He will do whatever anyone tells him too (unless it is in regards to chores). If I send him on an errand, and Lia stops him and tells him to do something else, he will drop what he is doing and do her bidding. I will find him wandering around in another part of the house and ask him what he is doing, his reply, "_________ asked me to help fix this toy so I went to the basement to get the things I need." Never mind the rule that I need to see him at all times, never mind that I told him to come right back....everything goes out the window when someone asks him to do something. Yes, we are working on his siblings in this area as well, because they know they are not to be telling/asking him to do things without permission. Confronting him does no good. Yes he knows what he is supposed to do. Yes, he knows that he is not to run off and do things without permission, but in his mind he isn't in the wrong because ________ told him too and he was only trying to help. I need to remember that he has a kind heart and isn't trying to be disobedient. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">All this sounds so simple. Remember this is brain damage, and the child cannot help it...until you take into consideration the fact that he does have the ability to misbehave intentionally. And when that happens, if you do not give a consequence, his negative behaviors will increase tenfold. For some reason, he seems to think that if mom and dad slack off and give him an inch of leeway, they won't mind if he takes a mile of freedom. For this reason we have to consistently enforce our rules and boundaries, while taking in to consideration that he has brain damage and what appears will full, may be anything but and he will be crushed if we give consequences. If it is will full and we let it go, however, our problems are only beginning. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">For example, he has trouble regulating the quantity and appropriateness of his words when we are in the presence of others. For this reason, we have implemented a rule when in the presence of strangers, "Answer their questions, but then no more words." He is able to do amazingly well most times, with frequent reminders. The other day we had a visitor and I reminded him of the rules before she came in the door. He nodded (when he knows exactly what is expected of him, he can often relax and do well in situations that would typically increase his anxiety). He answered her questions appropriately, I smiled at him to reassure him he was doing well and then he sat and quietly listened to the conversation. Suddenly he piped up, "I drove over a kitten with the trike once and Tristan had to dig a hole and bury it!" I will leave you imagine the rest. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Knowing Joseph's impulsivity, I was going to let the incident pass without further comment because we all make mistakes and it appeared that was all it had been. Except his behavior proved otherwise. After our visitor left, Dean talked with Joseph, explaining why we have rules and the necessity of obeying them. That chat cleared up the air and he went to bed happily. It is so hard to know when to hold him accountable and when to chalk it up to brain damage. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">*By the way, the cat story was due to confabulation... we did have kittens once upon a time, and I accidentally backed over one with the explorer, which was the end of poor kitty. He remembered bits n piece's and filled in the gaps with, what to him, was a plausible explanation.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-size: large;">Follow me on FB@ <a href="https://www.facebook.com/talesfromourhouse/?ref=bookmarks">Tales From Our House Blog</a></span></div>
Sandra Zimmermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00848022860630877810noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466923341949027110.post-40990830834928867852018-09-08T16:16:00.002-04:002018-09-08T16:16:40.283-04:00Trauma - The Gift That Multiplies <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-size: large;">Adoption agencies portray adoption as something joyful, something that fills a void in the hearts of parent and child, a blessing without end. What they fail to address is TRAUMA and while I understand why, I don't think it does anyone any favors to pretend that trauma isn't real.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">For one, there is a desperate need for homes for the many hurting children in this world, why jeopardize their chance's of a loving home by informing prospective parents of the affects of trauma? </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Two, many people (including myself at one time) cannot fathom how a sweet, cuddly baby could be so affected by 9 months in the womb. Surely the love poured out upon this child, will overwhelm any residual affects of trauma. Or, if you adopt an older child, you think, "Surely he will be so glad to have all his needs met while in a safe loving family, that his past will fade from memory." </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Three, there are adoptee's who are doing well, those who are secure in their adoptive home's, those who are thriving and bettering the world around them, causing people to think, "It is obviously a matter of loving the fear out of the child combined with successful parenting," so they really wouldn't listen to the words of warning concerning trauma.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Then one day they wake up and realize:</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">- trauma doesn't just go away</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">- babies adopted at birth have trauma, sometimes so severe they are unable to bond with anyone.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">- the child you adopted still yearns for his birth parents to love him and you, the adopted parent, can NEVER fill that void.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">- you can pour love onto your child 24/7 but if he views you as the <a href="http://instituteforattachment.ong/how-an-adoptive-mom-becomes-a-nurturing-enemy-the-unfortunate-effects-of-reactive-attachment-disorder/">nurturing enemy</a>, love will never fix the hurt he feels.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">- the rage he feels towards the pain he experienced, whether real or imagined, has to be directed at someone and that someone is you. Sometimes it seems as though he delights in hurting you and your heart breaks, breaks, and breaks again until you wonder if it is even possible to find healing.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">So you go seeking for advice which you will quickly find is available everywhere, even strangers will feel free to offer their thoughts when your school age child is having a meltdown in public. The second thing you will find is that the advice so freely given typically isn't what your child needs.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">You know that punishing doesn't work, your child has already been through tougher things than anything you can dish out. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Taking privileges doesn't work either, your child lives in the moment and he will be dreadfully upset with whatever you have taken away, but the next time he is faced with making a similar choice he won't stop and think, "Last time I did this ________ happened so I had better not." No, 9 times out of 10, he will repeat the same action.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Explaining why certain behaviors are inappropriate doesn't help for one simple reason, the child is acting this way due to trauma, and logic is useless in the face of trauma.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">If you have a child with severe trauma, chances are no matter what you try regarding consequences will work, rather it will only serve to drive the child further away, because consequences only work if the child has the ability and desire to form relationships. You cannot punish a child without first having his heart and for many children, allowing an adult access to their heart is simply too risky because of one thing: TRAUMA.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">You have to first connect with your child and that is one thing a traumatized child will fight against at all costs. Why? Because to them connection = pain. Why get close to someone only to have them leave? Why allow yourself to care about someone only to have that person run over your already broken and hurting heart? Why risk the pain? </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Then there are children who, due to their experiences prenatally or as a newborn, cannot bond without intense therapy. This may be because they either never had the chance to bond in the days and weeks after birth, so that part of their brain didn't grow correctly, or they endured such difficulties while in the womb; be it from drugs, alcohol, prescription medication, or maternal trauma, that their brain has been permanently damaged, making it extremely difficult if not impossible for them to bond.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Trauma is real folks, it is the gift that keeps on giving. Traumatized children can easily create traumatized families where chaos reigns. The hardest things about it is that there is no one cut and dried "cure" for trauma. A child who has been abused will need different therapy to heal than will the child who suffered prenatal exposure in the womb. What works for one child, may be the exact opposite of what a sibling may need. Trauma parenting is hard it may take years to see result's, there are days when you will want to throw up your hands in despair....days when you WILL throw up your hands or fall to the floor, but remember, your child needs you, even if he asks for it in the most unloving of ways. If there is one thing consistent about a traumatized child it is this: The child desperately needs his parents to be strong and his parents desperately need a village of support so they are not overwhelmed with the task before them.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Follow me on FB @ <a href="https://www.facebook.com/talesfromourhouse/?ref=bookmarks">Tales From Our House Blog</a></span></div>
Sandra Zimmermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00848022860630877810noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466923341949027110.post-33748547388749283632018-09-06T16:17:00.001-04:002018-09-06T16:17:58.477-04:00Changing Ones Perspective - From Stressed To Blessed<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-p9fBmSn1V8Y/W5GK2Hn-ADI/AAAAAAAANgc/dM_ckmJlsHsWO11a5Ai1nBsuK_AHI-NjACLcBGAs/s1600/cat-2356021__340.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="340" data-original-width="510" height="266" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-p9fBmSn1V8Y/W5GK2Hn-ADI/AAAAAAAANgc/dM_ckmJlsHsWO11a5Ai1nBsuK_AHI-NjACLcBGAs/s400/cat-2356021__340.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Today was pretty awful, no change that, it was spectacularly awful. The girls were scrapping before they were even out of bed. Kiana has been dealing with some major anxiety since I got sick. She just knows I am going to die, so she has upped all her survival skills. Think lying, manipulating, pouring on the charm with people outside the family... All things that rear their ugly heads only when her past trauma comes knocking. She told Dean she is treating me so badly so it doesn't hurt as much when I die. Dean reminded her that no one who loses a loved one ever regrets the love and kindest they showed that person while they were still on earth. Last night we had a long chat with Kiana and I thought we had things cleared up. I should have known better, rationalization is not something the traumatized brain responds to.</span></span><br />
<div dir="auto" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="background-color: white;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After a chaotic breakfast we settled in to do our school work, and Joseph promptly flipped out over his math. He successfully completed third grade math last year, so I naively assumed he was ready to progress onto fourth grade. He wasn't, and math has been the source of many chaotic moments. Originally I blamed some of it on "summer brain," but in reality it is more than that. Due to FASD, he really needs to be in school year round to retain what he has learned. I cringe at the thought however, because I know full well how he would feel about that. Anyway, the first sign that something was wrong were the huff's n sighs coming from Joseph's corner of the kitchen table. Then he began verbalizing his displeasure and it went down hill from there. I realized his brain had gone too far down the FASD trail to do math, so I gave him another subject, something that sometimes works. He was having none of it though, because he wanted to do math, until I gave him the book, at which time he didn't want to do it. Books, pencils and words were sailing across the room, realizing I couldn't calm him, I put him in the shower fully clothed. For some reason, cold water will stop a meltdowns in it's tracks, he will go from screaming, kicking, hitting and throwing things, to smiling and telling us about his latest idea. Often he will stop mid scream, give us a big smile and that quickly the storm is over, except today it wasn't . Nothing helped so I put him in the pool where he swam several laps before calming down. Once back inside though, chaos resumed so I sent Dean a S.O.S. via text, essentially telling him we need professional help. He called me and suggested I put Joseph to bed with his stuffed puppy, Sport, and his weighted blanket. I did and peace ensued..... Until Kiana kicked up her heels.</span></span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Poor girl, in addition to her anxiety I am convinced her PANS is flaring again, or is it hormones?!? She melted down with a show that put Josephs meltdown to shame. Her high pitched shriek told me this wasn't just an, "I am upset with Mom," fit, it was brain inflammation. After trying all my tricks, none of which worked even the slightest bit, I took her out to the pool and had her swim laps. I texted Dean, "same pool, different rager." </span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Joseph can't yell while swimming (the children can easily touch bottom, but it takes all his concentration to swim) big sister had no such problem, and the woods, and my poor ears, were ringing. I sat on the deck praying, asking God why? Why do my children have to suffer brain damage? Why do I have to home school? Why do they have to constantly face new threats to their security? At the same time I was thanking God that we live in a long drive and all our neighbors understand the circumstances surrounding the epic meltdowns that occur.</span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Eventually Kiana calmed down, we had lunch, Joseph was smiling again, and it was finally time for our quiet time. I sat down to sort through my feelings, read my Bible and pray because while the storms of the morning had calmed, they were still hovering on the horizon and I knew I needed to get myself grounded. I was helping Lia work through an issue when the dog started barking. A vehicle was parked in our drive. The driver had a stack of documents on the seat and he was clearly dressed up, funny what you notice when you are on high alert, my first thought was, "Someone heard all the screaming and reported us!" Now who is being irrational?!? I quickly went over the things to remember even CPS comes knocking and typed up a text to Dean that read, "If I call you in the next moments answer ASAP!" Suddenly our answering machine picked up and I heard, "I am ______ from pest control, I am sitting in your drive, can you please get your dog?" I suddenly realized Kobi had been frantically barking all this time. I felt my heart stop it's frantic beating and all my frustration of the morning melted away. Suddenly, my overwhelming morning wasn't so overwhelming. The rages, hurtful words and actions no longer bothered me..... after all, CPS was not knocking at my door and in light of what I feared moments ago, I can handle whatever my little people dish out as they sort through trauma and deal with their limitations due to FASD. </span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Perspective makes all the difference!!!</span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Follow me on FB @ <a href="https://www.facebook.com/talesfromourhouse/?ref=bookmarks">Tales From Our House Blog</a></span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="auto" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
</div>
Sandra Zimmermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00848022860630877810noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466923341949027110.post-60847410033183986262018-08-31T11:48:00.001-04:002018-08-31T11:50:27.698-04:00When Mom's Brain Is MIA -Living With FASD<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-size: large;">My blog posts have been few and far between these last months. I was dealing with health problems that had doctor's stumped. I reacted to medication's, spent days with no energy, and as the days and weeks wore on, felt a depression settle over me because no one could help me. As the days passed I was less and less in tune with the world around me... and the children felt it.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Having a mom who's brain was MIA, triggered trauma's that hadn't raised their head in a long time. Everyone know's that trauma can hinder a child's ability to self regulate, but it wasn't until I was floating adrift myself, that I realized how much my children rely on me. As much as I tried to appear strong and in control on the outside, I couldn't hide how torn up I was. For the past ten years, we have worked closely together to overcome the trauma that was doing it's best to undermine the foundation of trust we struggled to lay down and keep in place. That close interaction is absolutely necessary when healing from trauma, but it also means mom can't hide behind a fake smile. My children can read me like a book and even though I reassured them that I was okay, deep inside they knew I wasn't and it shook them to the core.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Old trauma's that I had forgotten about, came back with a vengeance. We had wet spot's on the sofa, eating, eating, and eating to drown the feelings of panic, meltdowns, the lying was through the roof and oh, the tears and manipulation! I pleaded with God for answer's to my health problems, if not for my sake, then for my children's. Dean and I carefully guard the foundation of trust that is being built between us and our children. The little bit of trust we have gained is so precious to us, that we go to great length's to preserve it. Knowing i</span><span style="font-size: large;">t only takes a few minute's to undermine that foundation,makes us all the more cautious. But here we were, weeks into this ordeal and losing out more each day. I was desperate!</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">How do you reassure a child who has personal experience with mom leaving? I have been here as mom for ten years, but that doesn't mean I will be here tomorrow. This child guards her heart closely, it was hurt once, and she won't risk having it hurt again. We have been making some progress, but having mom sick did a great deal of damage to the fragile trust that was beginning to form. Someone said, "How she loves you!" It is true she does, but deep underneath where no one but mom and dad could see, was FEAR! And it was driving her to try desperate measure's. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">How does a child who has zero self regulation keep from falling apart when his stabilizing force is no longer there? The answer is simple: he doesn't. Poor Joseph spent more time getting lost in our house, losing his possession's, getting into trouble and hurting himself than he has in a long time. It seemed as though his brain literally couldn't function when he was no longer grounded.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">How does a child who is facing the real (to him) fear of losing another mom react? He become's angry, he starts testing you, he pulls away emotionally. When mom is sick, it is very easy to pull away as well because who has the energy for this kind of drama when you aren't feeling well?</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">The coming weeks are going to be challenging because a lot of behaviors and attitude's were left slide. Fear gained a foot hold in my children's minds and it isn't going to be easy to send him packing. I would love to hear how you regroup when stability has been rocked, when attachment has been challenged, when fears that were laid to rest rise again. I have to be very careful because just as my children react to a lack of structure, too much "bonding" scares them just as badly.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Here is a quote that sums up how scattered one child felt: "Where am I? I went back and I was right, but now I can't find where I am." </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">follow me on FB@ <a href="https://www.facebook.com/talesfromourhouse/?ref=bookmarks">Tales From Our House Blog</a></span></div>
Sandra Zimmermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00848022860630877810noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466923341949027110.post-82444757527694865782018-08-14T11:42:00.000-04:002018-08-14T11:43:02.542-04:00A Fight or Flight Response Rather Than Manipulation - Living With FASD<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-size: large;">Joseph has an uncanny knack for figuring out ways to get around the rules we have in place for his safety. I find it incredibly frustrating that this child who cannot follow a two step command, can think of complex ways to get under our radar. For instance, and this is something that happened a long time ago, Joseph went through a phase where he had very "sticky fingers." He saw it, he wanted it, he took it. This was happening mainly at school, so I stitched his pockets closed. Next he sandwiched items between the books in his back pack, so I bought him a clear plastic back pack and made sure to thoroughly look through it before he left for school and again when he came home in the afternoon. He then smuggled things home under his clothing. Somehow he always stayed one step ahead of me, which did not help him feel secure. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">We have an alarm on his bedroom door as he has a tendency to roam the house at night, something that makes me incredibly uneasy. He learned if he opens his door very slowly, the alarm doesn't ring and he can slip out of his room unnoticed. We had been suspicious that he was somehow getting out of his room without our noticing it, but when we checked his alarm it was working. One day he opened his door a little too fast making the alarm ring, thus giving away his secret. His next tactic was loosening the alarm. It is plugged into a receptacle in the hallway so we can hear the alarm ring throughout the house. If he jiggled it a little each time when he walked by, it eventually quit working. We discovered what he was doing when he jiggled it a little too hard one day and it fell to the floor with a crash. After that he was a bit more cautious, only opening his door when he saw the alarm was unplugged. For awhile I diligently checked his alarm at nap time and bedtime, but eventually got sloppy because everything checked out....and then he was soon back to going through the cupboards and the refrigerator, or taking things to play with into his room. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">There have been countless incidences like these over the years that leave Dean and I shaking our heads, wondering if we should laugh or cry. Sometimes I do a little of both!</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">The other day someone asked this question in one of my FASD groups, and I am paraphrasing here: "Why can our children with brain damage have enough "brain power" to manipulate the rules to get what they want?"</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">There were many great replies, but the one that applies best to Joseph was written by a friend of mine. She said she thinks it has to do with fight or flight. The child relies on himself meet his own needs, because he is unable to trust others to meet those needs. In their minds we as parents get in the way of having what they perceive to be needs met, when we say no to a request.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">That describes Joseph very well. I know understand why he melts down and why, when we say no, he will try to figure out other ways to get what he wants. These actions always felt so manipulative, but now I realize he is simply reacting out of fear that his needs won't be met.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">For me knowing the why behind a behavior makes it easier to cope. Somehow it no longer feels like Joseph is intentionally trying to drive me crazy with his various escapades. Deep in my heart I know it is brain damage that makes him react in the way he does, but when someone appears to be intentionally manipulating you, it is so hard not to take it personally. Knowing he is reacting because he fears his needs won't be met, creates empathy versus frustration in my heart. Of course, Joseph can feel that and responds in a more positive way. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Follow me on FB @ <a href="https://www.facebook.com/talesfromourhouse/">Tales From Our House Blog</a></span></div>
Sandra Zimmermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00848022860630877810noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466923341949027110.post-35457347467064389422018-08-01T11:33:00.004-04:002018-08-01T12:05:26.555-04:00Life Lesson's, Progress & Finding The Grace For One More Day<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-size: large;">I have found that we have to be very intentional about teaching life lessons to our children. Trauma and brain injuries on various levels, seem to have robbed them of the ability to see and apply lessons that one may not have to make a conscious effort to instill in a healthy child.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">One of the biggest is the mind set that, "I messed up, now it is no use to even try," which results in a severely restricted life style because the child cannot/will not rise above the circumstances. Their poor choices become a self fulfilling prophesy. "I told you I was no good, now I have proved it."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Someone with a healthy self image will realize that, "I messed up, but everyone messes up, so I need to stand up and try again." Not our children. We can talk, cajole, bribe, let them wallow in their misery, attempt to boost their self image, and talk some more.... it doesn't help. If I am honest, there are times when I think, "You want to be this way, then fine. Sit here in misery till you are ready to work on your life." While there are times a child has to sit and stew for awhile, our children will remain there for weeks, months, even years because for them, the issue goes much deeper. It is a truly dark self image many of them struggle to over come. If adoption is part of the equation like it or not, many if not all, will struggle with the question of, "Why wasn't I wanted," or, ""If my mom/dad loved me they would have done xyz to get me back." Their minds can't grasp the hold trauma/addiction and generation's of abuse and neglect can have on a person. As a parent who has never suffered what they have, my words don't carry much weight because, and rightly so, they <u>know</u> I have no idea what it is like to live in their circumstances.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Recently a child has healed to the place where we are able to explain that, "You messed up, so consequences/boundaries will follow because they are necessary to keep you safe, especially when you are in this mood. BUT you do not need to stay in this place of despair, make good choices and then we will reconsider the boundaries. Prove we can trust you to make good choices and more freedom will follow."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">The other week the child made a poor choice that directly affected an upcoming activity. We had a rough week, because she felt that is was useless to even try. So I sat her down, and laid every thing out on the table. "You did ___________, this is the consequence of the action. Your current actions prove that our decision to withhold you from ___________ were correct. However, if you can prove to us that you can handle this activity by making good choices and working on your life, we can possibly reconsider." When I think healing is not taking place, I look back to 6 months ago and know we could not have had this discussion, it would have been too much expectation, too much at stake and she would have failed ...which would have proved in her mind that she is a, "bad person who can't do anything right," ... her words, not mine.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Well guess what, she got her act together, she worked on her life, she tried and she earned back her privilege to participate in the activity we had removed due to her lack of trying to make good choices. I smiled, hugged her and whispered, "See I knew you could!" I didn't dare say more, because her self esteem is too fragile for much praise and over doing it would have flipped the scales.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">We recently spent a few days at the cabin with my family. Biking on the old railroad bed, is always a highlight....but not when you have to ride with mom and dad while your brother n cousin ride ahead. Dean gave her permission to ride a bit ahead of us, but the rules were, "Only so far ahead." Well the distance widened and widened, until she was no longer within shouting distance. Dean pulled her aside and told her she needs to bike with us. She promptly shut down and refused to ride correctly. I finally pulled her off the trail and asked, "What is wrong?" </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">"I want to ride ahead and now dad won't let me!!!"</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">"Riding ahead was a privilege you had to earn by riding with us and following the rules, remember?" A little nod... "When you proved that you are trying to make good choices, dad left you ride ahead but only if you stay near by. When you rode farther than dad gave permission, he said you have to stay with us, right?" </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">"But it isn't fair!!!!"</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">"This isn't about fair, this is about obeying the rules and making good choices. Now you have a choice to make, are you going to accept your consequence and make good choicyes, so that dad may consider giving back the privilege of riding ahead, or are you going to be grumpy and tell yourself that you are just a bad person who always makes bad choices and never gets to do anything?" She gave me a sheepish look and I reminded her of her how she had earned back a negated privilege just days before. "Why did we give your privilege back? Because you were grumpy n didn't try, or because you worked on your life?"<br />"Because I tried."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">"Very good, and this is the same way. You need to work on your life before you earn privileges."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">She biked in silence for awhile, but was soon chattering about the things she saw and all was right with her world again. It is instances like these that prove that yes, healing is taking place. All the time, effort, tears and prayers we pour into our children's hurting and broken hearts and brains that have suffered extreme trauma, really are making a difference. Little by little, step by step!</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Parenting is hard work, but trauma and brain injuries compound an an already difficult task one hundred fold. When your child's progress is so slow, you really can't see it unless you look back over the years and carefully analyze the whole picture, it can feel hopeless. Blogging had helped me see that, yes we are making progress! </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Joseph was able to bike the whole trail without one melt down. <a href="https://talesfromourhouse.blogspot.com/2016/08/biking-and-bears.html">Two years ago</a> we weren't very far into the ride when he shut down and quit. As we rode over the stretch of trail where the first spectacular melt down occurred, Dean said, "Remember the last time we tried this?" Granted, we have learned a few things since then, things about stimulation, not giving privileges that he cannot handle just because we are at the cabin, eliminating sugar and gluten, among a host of other things. However the fact remains, Joseph is making progress, Kiana is making progress despite the fact that Dean and I still feel as lost as ever most days, but each day we get up and by God's grace, try again. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-WTBH4mV7v0M/W2HMjZvo8rI/AAAAAAAAJEk/zlGAc3X8_LA2kBAe72DiK_wE-UfVKGgygCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_5535.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="640" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-WTBH4mV7v0M/W2HMjZvo8rI/AAAAAAAAJEk/zlGAc3X8_LA2kBAe72DiK_wE-UfVKGgygCLcBGAs/s640/IMG_5535.JPG" width="480" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">This paper hangs on our refrigerator where our children can easily see it. Having a visual reminder that Respect, True Words & Actions plus Obedience = Privileges and Better Relationships has been very helpful. </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Follow me on FB@ <a href="https://www.facebook.com/talesfromourhouse/">Tales From Our House Blog</a></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
Sandra Zimmermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00848022860630877810noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466923341949027110.post-86645733743139086742018-07-23T10:29:00.002-04:002018-07-23T10:31:02.279-04:00Finding Success In Parenting Children With Social, Emotional & Behavioral Disabilities - Living With FASD<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-a_HiP7i-YN4/W1XmRq7DBwI/AAAAAAAAJCQ/WwWeFZcIjhQtwUmD5KOq1oP9O-DnUsInwCLcBGAs/s1600/puppy-2197314__340.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="340" data-original-width="423" height="514" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-a_HiP7i-YN4/W1XmRq7DBwI/AAAAAAAAJCQ/WwWeFZcIjhQtwUmD5KOq1oP9O-DnUsInwCLcBGAs/s640/puppy-2197314__340.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">We have many boundaries in place for Joseph. These boundaries keep him safe, help him thrive in a confusing world and if I am honest, they also help us hang onto our sanity during the rough moments. These boundaries are pretty much unspoken. His sibling's don't look down on him for things like, remaining in line of vision, because we don't relate to them as a punishment for bad behavior. Sometimes I can even forget how vigilant we are, until someone makes a comment or begins asking questions.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Recently a neighbor asked, "Is Joseph still around here? I don't see him outside very much." First, let me say that he does spend a great deal of time outside, only he is behind the house in his play area where this neighbor cannot see him. When she stopped by he was already in bed for the night, as he needs more sleep than his siblings. I explained that a 7:00 bedtime is what he needs to thrive, and yes, he is still here. </span><span style="font-size: large;">"He needs Dean or I to help him self regulate, which is why you don't see him running into the woods to play by himself," I concluded. She was silent for a moment then said, "The poor boy!" I was a little surprised at her comment as she is very familiar with special needs similar to those Joseph has, but it got me to thinking. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">If you have followed my blog for any length of time, you know that I struggle with the whole boundary thing. Of course our entanglement with CPS over Braden's care did nothing to alleviate our fears, because once you have gone through an investigation, things look very different. You realize you simply cannot be too careful; err on one side a wee bit too far, and things will come crashing down with devastating consequences.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I had to remind myself, "What is my responsibility as a parent?" </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">#1. Keep my child safe. If he will go with a random stranger at the drop of a hat, then I must keep him by my side. If he will do or tell anyone what he thinks they want to know, again, I need to be with him at all times. If he has zero self regulation, and will unintentionally hurt someone or push them beyond their comfort zone, what is my responsibility? It isn't his fault his brain is damaged in this area and no amount of talking, therapy, etc. will "heal" him. We need to provide safe guards to protect him from himself.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">#2. Help my child succeed. People with FASD have many hidden disabilities, and weaknesses in area's that you or I don't even think about. It isn't their fault. Joseph is successful, when we provide the boundaries and safe guards to help him succeed. This means putting him to bed at 7:00 because he needs ALOT of sleep, without it, he completely falls apart and the whole family ends up frustrated. People often tell me, "But that isn't fair to him, doesn't he get upset?" Of course there are times when he grumbles about it, but over all, he is much happier if we stick to his routine, because he knows he feels better.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">#3. Make my child feel loved. Every child needs rules/boundaries in order to feel loved, even though I am sure every child would adamantly deny it! When we force Joseph to "act like a 10 year old," he doesn't feel loved because he inevitably falls short of our expectations. If we parent him like a preschooler, he thrives and feels loved and secure in that environment.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">As parent's we often struggle with the fear of failure, especially when parenting children with social, emotional and behavioral special needs. There are many parenting models out there, therapies, diets, supplements, and the list goes on, but at the end of the day who is responsible for the child's well being? The parent of course! If the child is still struggling despite all the intervention's you have put in place, you will naturally be tempted to feel like you have failed your child. Smashing yourself into the rocks of guilt, won't help you or your child, instead ask yourself:</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">- <u>Is my child safe?</u></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">- <u>Is my child thriving/succeeding?</u></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">- <u>Does my child feel loved?</u></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">If you can answer yes to these questions, then you have given your child a great gift and you are not a failure, even though those who catch a brief glimpse into your chaotic, restricted, lifestyle would likely claim otherwise!</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Follow me on FB@ <a href="https://www.facebook.com/talesfromourhouse/?ref=bookmarks">Tales From Our House Blog</a></span></div>
Sandra Zimmermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00848022860630877810noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466923341949027110.post-3193576192637210682018-07-17T12:15:00.002-04:002018-07-17T12:15:46.553-04:00From The Inside Looking Out - When FASD Is Hard To Explain -Living With FASD<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-lLzWBdJkXA0/W04PZZVHklI/AAAAAAAAI_w/r6peC0R5GrMnd4FxZaAXu9P9sGMc5eBIACLcBGAs/s1600/36851885_1313784335421260_7939924569157009408_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="960" height="640" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-lLzWBdJkXA0/W04PZZVHklI/AAAAAAAAI_w/r6peC0R5GrMnd4FxZaAXu9P9sGMc5eBIACLcBGAs/s640/36851885_1313784335421260_7939924569157009408_n.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br /><div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">I have recently begun following <a href="https://www.facebook.com/BeatingTrauma/">Beating Trauma With Elisabeth Corey</a> and love her many thought provoking posts and comments. If you are a victim of trauma. or parenting children with trauma, I urge you to check out her FB page. She works with adults, but her writings offer insight into why our children struggle in particular area's. As I have said before; FASD is a form of trauma due to both the prenatal exposure the child endured, and going through life with this particular form of brain damage is an open invitation for further trauma to occur.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">When I feel frustrated with someone who obviously does not get Joseph's disability and through their interaction with him, are compounding the problem, I try to place myself in their shoes. What must the situation look like to them? Here is a child who's parents have obviously placed severe boundaries in his life, they also monitor his speech and actions,while insist on being by his side at all times. For all intents and purposes, the parents appear to be both coddling him while not allowing him to have a social life. When someone comes to me in what feels to me like a defensive manner, and begins questioning our parenting of Joseph, I am slowly learning that they won't be able to understand no matter how much I explain and I must remember that, "From the outside looking in, it is hard to understand."</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">The flip side is when you are on the inside looking out and you know if you could help people understand that you aren't being mean to your child, nor are you coddling him, you would have a great deal less stress. If only they could understand that you are merely providing the supports and boundaries he needs to both thrive and survive, and that if it were at all possible you would be only to happy to let up on them. I don't think you can explain how draining it is to keep a constant eye on your child, to think of the 101 things he could get into even though you have been super vigilant. Joseph has the uncanny ability to get into trouble or hurt himself, even when he is in line of vision. It is due in part to his lack of cause and effect, along with dysmaturity which means that while he is the size of a 10 year old, he is developmentally between the ages of 3-5. He is tall enough to reach the counter tops, the stove etc. but he can't be trusted not to turn on the stove or taste a mouthful of spices. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">How do you explain that while my son can speak fairly intelligently on certain subjects, he has no idea if a topic is appropriate, nor when it is time to discontinue the discussion. He will talk to you about any given subject for as long as you listen. The more you engage him, the more he talks and the bigger the fall out will be. How do you explain that interacting with my child causes him to become hyper vigilant without sounding like an over protective, paranoid parent? The brain power needed for each interaction, rapidly uses up the meager store he has on any given day. This means he won't have enough brain power to regulate his emotions, follow instructions, or even enjoy the remainder of his day. When he becomes over stimulated, his cortisol goes through the roof and he is unable to relax enough to sleep, resulting in still more tears. </span></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">How do you explain the grief you feel when you see your child mourning his inability to interact with his peers? I often hear, "But ____________ is 10 and he can ___________, so why can't I?" He cannot understand that he has a disability, he only knows that others his age have privileges that are light years beyond what he can enjoy. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">And then there is the guilt that you have to work through in order to be the parent your child needs. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">You feel guilty for getting frustrated with his ceaseless chatter about nonsense. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">You feel guilty for resenting this disability that has turned life as you knew it on it's head and will continue to be foremost in any family decisions in the future. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">You feel guilty for getting frustrated with your child, because sometimes that stress presents itself in ways that make you wonder who you have become.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">You feel guilty for insisting that your child have a small life even though it is in his best interest, because you know keeping his world small, means he is easier to care for.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">All these reasons, plus a host of others make it incredibly difficult to explain what it is like to parent a child with FASD and from the inside looking out, it would make all the difference if only you could. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">Follow me on FB@ <a href="https://www.facebook.com/talesfromourhouse/?ref=bookmarks">Tales From Our House Blog</a></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
Sandra Zimmermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00848022860630877810noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466923341949027110.post-30720314924253376152018-06-26T11:52:00.002-04:002018-06-26T11:53:47.803-04:00Sensory Overload - Living With FASD<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-size: large;">I am the type of person who needs to personally understand something before I can fully comprehend how to work with the issue at hand. FASD used to, and still does if I am totally honest, cause me no end of frustration. I understood the diagnosis and understood how it affects people, but I could not personally relate and so had a hard time being empathetic. I used to pray, "God, please help me to understand." Ever hear the quote, "Be careful what you pray for, because it just might come true?" Well it happened for me. No, I didn't get FASD, as that isn't physically possible, instead I experienced antidepressant <a href="https://talesfromourhouse.blogspot.com/2018/05/the-other-huge-trauma-in-my-life.html">withdrawal</a>, and suddenly I could intimately understand exactly what Joseph goes through on a daily basis. While the reason behind the distress is different, the symptoms are the same.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Joseph has always shut down when life became too stimulating. Again, I understood why, but at the same time I couldn't grasp what it is like for him. Now I can. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I quickly begin to experience sensory overload. When you are driving down the road, your brain filters what you see and hear. If there is something new or different you will notice it, but the house's won't jump out at you as new information each time you drive past. Withdrawal has deleted that filter for me so everything hits me at once. The bright sun, the curve of the road, the hum of the tires, the birds singing, the bright flowers... they all pop out at once. Plus I need to maintain a certain speed, be aware of the vehicle's around me and remain alert for things like animal's crossing the road. All this input makes my brain tired and I stop comprehending the information that is entering my brain. I misread signs, misunderstand my children, and while I can follow my GPS, I cannot follow written directions. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">It can be especially bad when I go to the grocery store. There are bright lights, displays intended to catch one's attention, music, people talking and cash registers beeping. It overwhelms my brain. Then I am supposed to follow my list and make wise decisions concerning the things I buy. If I am by myself I can usually keep it together, but if I have a child along, I am usually the one who has a mini meltdown. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">The fatigue that comes from sensory over load is a horrible feeling, one I will avoid at all costs. I starts with my throat feeling sore, then my eyes hurt, my heart begins to race, my head ache's and my ability to process information goes down to about 25%. This sensation comes on without warning. I can be in mid conversation and suddenly the sick feeling hits and my brain shuts down. When that happens it is game over. There is no taking a few moments of down time so my brain can refocus as it takes at least one good nights rest before I feel better.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Now imagine if you were a child and mom was saying, "Get your shoes, make sure to get your tie shoes and grab a coat as well because it is going to be cold outside. When the child freezes or sits on the floor and begins crying inconsolably, it is so tempting to get frustrated. Now I can personally understand all that the poor child is dealing with. He is anxious because he knows mom has given a command and he is afraid he will get it wrong. He doesn't want to miss out on anything and it is just too much. I used to think that my children have to learn to do things for themselves or they will never learn. But for the child with processing disorder, FASD etc. do not use those moments to teach, wait until a time when he is calm and able to process information, those are teaching moments.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Our children do not want to be this way. Their brains are simply flooded by sensory overload and they cannot follow directions. When the brain is overloaded, things that you typically do automatically suddenly require intense concentration. Things like starting a vehicle, closing a coat, placing an online order, or scheduling an appointment take actual thought and brain power.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Sometimes when I ask Joseph a question, he gives me a blank look. I used to wonder how one could forget something in a few seconds. Folks it is entirely possible. Lets say I put my child's book away and a minute later he comes and asks for it. I reply that I haven't seen it and he says, "Mom, I just saw it in your hand!" He is sure to get the blank look from me, because I honestly cannot remember seeing the book.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Joseph struggles with finding the correct word for things, or he would suddenly forget what he was talking about and begin telling a different story mid sentence. Now I am the same way. I will be telling Dean something and suddenly my brain goes blank. I honestly have no clue what I was just talking about and it is so frustrating! </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">This morning we stopped at the library and the siren's on a nearby pole were wailing. It took all my concentration to get out of my vehicle, lock the doors and walk into the building. It felt like that siren was inside my brain, using up all my mental energy. When I stepped inside the building and the noise diminished, I felt a physical feeling of relief sweep over me. Joseph was with me and was struggling as well and it hit me, "This is what he has to deal with every day!" For me, the intensity waxes and wanes as I go through each med drop and I have the hope that within a few years, my brain will have recovered, but for those with FASD, there is no such relief in sight. These people need our understanding, especially when they meltdown from sensory overload.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Follow me on FB@ <a href="https://www.facebook.com/talesfromourhouse/">Tales From Our House Blog</a></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
Sandra Zimmermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00848022860630877810noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466923341949027110.post-69653067724623100902018-06-18T11:25:00.000-04:002018-06-18T11:25:06.269-04:00When The Gap Between Chronological Age And Ability Continues To Widen - Living With FASD<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-cncvTWDxJUU/WyfOW0oX-pI/AAAAAAAAHCk/tdvlIVVr8W8e9HyNLHw_bm7cOUWpsfjGACLcBGAs/s1600/boy-1636731__340.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="340" data-original-width="510" height="426" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-cncvTWDxJUU/WyfOW0oX-pI/AAAAAAAAHCk/tdvlIVVr8W8e9HyNLHw_bm7cOUWpsfjGACLcBGAs/s640/boy-1636731__340.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">Joseph is in another one of his frustrating phases, although if I am honest, I am not sure who is more frustrated, him or I.</span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">Joseph has always had an amazingly creative mind, he can make tractors out of a twist tie, paper and Lego tires. He can turn dust bunnies into animals and play with them for hours. The problems begin when he wants to make "real things," but lacks the ability to understand why his idea's won't work. He is currently upset because he cannot make a computer out of a broken calculator. Once, in an attempt to keep his brain occupied, we bought the book <a href="https://www.amazon.com/How-Things-Work-Parents-Technology/dp/0895776944/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1529332467&sr=1-3&keywords=the+way+things++work+neil+ardley">How Things Work</a>, by Neil Ardley. Our so called brilliant idea backfired though, because now, 2 years later, he wants to make the things he reads about in the book and his "projects" never turn out like he envisioned which results in a meltdown.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">This morning he took his calculator apart and became upset when his computer didn't work like the one in his book. I tried explaining why his idea wasn't feasible in an attempt to help him understand. I know, I am a hard learner but I keep hoping that someday he will be able to understand. Here is our conversation:</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">"Joseph, you cannot make a computer out of a broken calculator."</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">"Yes, I can! The book says all you need is a wire and a battery"<br />"Yes, but you need the right kind of wire, and one that isn't broken. You cannot build a computer out of something that is broken."</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">"If you would give me something that you don't use but it still works, I could make something."</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">"You need the correct parts. Even dad (who in his mind can do anything) cannot take an engine apart and make a chainsaw out of it, because he wouldn't have all the exact parts he needs."</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">"Yes, but I have my calculator screen and that is like a computer screen n I have the buttons. All I need to do is hook a wire to the buttons and then they will make numbers on the screen."<br />I finally came to my senses and tried a different tactic. "If you want to build things, make them with wood or Lego's, boys who are ten can't use machine's and make electronic toys."<br />He sat there with the most crushed expression and I was once more aware of how much FASD has robbed him.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">Lest you think I got my point across....he is currently making a solar panel out of the calculator. I am bracing myself for the meltdown that will come when he realizes his solar panel doesn't work.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">This gap between his age and his abilities is continually growing. He see's other 10 year old's doing things and he wants to as well, not realizing he doesn't have the mental or physical capacity to perform the same activities. Letting him try and fail, doesn't work due to a lack of cause and effect. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">We tried different kits including electronic connectors and Lego kits but he cannot follow the directions. Helping him build something doesn't turn out so well either as he has his own idea's about how things should work and gets upset when you tell him differently.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">Recently he has been recalling things Tristan did when he was 10 years old. Unfortunately, he has a surprisingly accurate memory in this area and deems it unfair when we do not allow him the same privileges and responsibilities. In light of that, we have really begun hammering the fact that age does not equal privilege, rather responsibility does. So when Tristan was dreaming of the day he can get his drivers license, Dean reminded him, and all his siblings who were listening in, that just because you are legally old enough to drive does not mean you will get a license. We have to trust that you will obey the rules, drive safe and make good choices, before we will take you for your license. The phrases, obey the rules and make good choices are ones our middle two children are well acquainted with. Our hope is that, if we continue drilling this concept maybe by the time they reach the age where their peers are getting more responsibilities, it won't come as quite a shock that mom and dad aren't suddenly going to give them the freedom they so greatly anticipate.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">Thankfully, I know this phase will pass as they always do, but in the meantime we will batten down the hatches, wait for the storm to pass and hope the damages aren't too great, while hoping against hope that some of what we are attempting to teach sticks! </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">I would love to hear how you help your child cope with the gap between his age and the privileges other children his age have.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">Follow me on FB @ <a href="https://www.facebook.com/talesfromourhouse/">Tales From Our House Blog</a></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
Sandra Zimmermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00848022860630877810noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466923341949027110.post-11565276229529065552018-06-13T11:35:00.001-04:002018-06-13T11:35:52.866-04:00Walking The Walk Is Harder Than Talking The Talk - Living With FASD<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-size: large;">Many people with FASD can, "Talk the talk, but cannot walk the walk." </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">For instance, let's say I tell Joseph he may play in his play area, but he has to stay there. He will agree, even repeat the instructions back to me, but 5 minutes later, he is out in the shop. I ask him what I told him to do. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">"You said I may play in my play area." </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">"What else did I tell you?" </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">"You said I have to stay there."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">"So why were you in the shop?"<br />"Lia wanted me to get her bike."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">"Who do you obey, mom or Lia?"</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">"I must obey you."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">We go over the rules about obeying mom, he agree's to them, apologizes and .... guess what happens? You guessed it, he is soon off on another deed of kindness. Once more we go over the rules, he says them back to me, only to repeat and repeat this scene in a myriad of ways multiple times a day.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Another rule we have is, when we are away from home, he is to play quietly. Otherwise he will interrupt people to offer bits of advice that aren't relevant to the conversation. Some people smile and nod their head at his comments, others engage him which only increases his chatter, which in turn increases his dysregulation, Before we visit someone we go over the rule's, he can relay them verbatim, using the exact word's and phrases we use, but without fail, he doesn't follow through.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">When we go shopping, he is to hold onto the handle of the shopping cart. I remind him, he agree's and as soon as I turn my back, he walks off to look at something that caught his attention. "I just wanted to see what it said on the cereal box!" Is his excuse when I reprimand him. "What is the rule when we are shopping?"</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">"I have to hold onto the cart."<br />"Is that what you were doing?"<br />"No, but I just wanted to see...."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I tell him to sit on the sofa and read his new book and seconds later he is off the sofa, looking for Kiana's book because he overheard her ask me if I know where it is. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">"What did I tell you to do...."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">"You told me to stay on the sofa but, I just wanted to help Kiana and now you are scolding me for helping!"</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">"It is kind to help people, but it is more important to obey mom." I remind him for the umpteenth time.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Joseph does a lot of talking as I shared in this post entitled: <a href="https://talesfromourhouse.blogspot.com/2018/06/incessant-talking-yammering-excessive.html">Incessant Talking - Yammering - Excessive Verbiage</a>. When we are driving he tends to verbalize everything he see's, which in turn triggers a memory of something he heard or saw, which reminds him of something he once did. If we don't tell him to sit quietly, he will talk nonstop, something his siblings do not appreciate! We always listen to an audio book or music, because that helps keep his mind busy and he sits quietly so as not to miss out on the story. There are times however, when he simply cannot be quiet no matter how many times we remind him to stop talking. That is when we tell him to close his mouth, look out the window and tap his hands on his knee's. That usually works. The only thing I can figure out is that it is the addition of a physical activity to the command. Again, he can talk the talk, but walking the walk is so much more difficult.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">This used to look like blatant disobedience and caused both him and us no end of grief. We gave consequences for disobedience and he felt wronged because he didn't feel he had done anything to warrant the consequences. Once we understood that in order for him to be moderately successful, we needed to provide structure and support, things went better. We no longer give him a box of toys and expect him to play appropriately without getting dysregulated by the toys with lights and noise, instead we give him something like Lego's or matchbox cars. He can have fun and doesn't become so overstimulated he is unable to follow the rules we have put in place.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">If you are wondering why we have so many rules, there are many reasons, but basically it boils down to a safety issue. Joseph seems to be drawn to mischief and can get into trouble or hurt himself within moments. If I know where he is, I know he is in a safe place and he won't find things which he can turn into a dangerous object. I know that just because Joseph can tell me what he is supposed to do. But even though he knows the rules, that in no way means he will be able to follow through. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">follow me on FB @ <a href="https://www.facebook.com/talesfromourhouse/">Tales From Our House Blog</a></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
Sandra Zimmermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00848022860630877810noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6466923341949027110.post-41004559536090834882018-06-07T12:46:00.002-04:002018-06-07T12:48:32.530-04:00Incessant Talking-Yammering-Excessive Verbiage - Living With FASD<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-size: large;"> Incessant talking - yammering - excessive verbiage</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">If you have a child with FASD, chances are you are very familiar with these terms. Many individuals with FASD process information at a slower pace, some like Joseph, can process things better if they speak the words aloud. On Joseph's "limited cognition days" he tends to voice every thought and opinion that goes through his mind.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">For instance, here is a conversation:</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">"Mom did you know it goes fast?<br />I do a quick brain search of my own trying to figure out what he could be talking about.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">"The one that, umm, it went past the place where we live."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">"I don't know what you are talking about Joseph."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">"You know, when we were out on the grass it flew over top."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I ask questions, until I can figure out what he is trying to tell me. Sometimes I can get away with a nod of the head and an agreement, but other times he figures out that I am not following and tries to make me understand.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">On days when his brain is working at maximum capacity, we have very few of these discussion's, when we over draw on his window of tolerance, they are nonstop. Usually after multiple conversation's I say, "Joseph, my ears are tired, no more talking." Thankfully he isn't offended, but typically within moments he will start, "Mom, did you..oh that's right I am supposed to be quiet." Not a minute later he will pipe up with another comment. I have found when this happens having him do about 20 jumping jacks every time he forgets, helps him remember. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Today is one of those excessive talking days. To compound the problem, he reads/hears/see's things and interprets them incorrectly. He was looking at a <a href="https://www.uline.com/index?pricode=WE412&AdKeyword=uline%20products&AdMatchtype=e&gclid=CjwKCAjwr-PYBRB8EiwALtjbz4mukGjTKSozMI9SUlIWJVSALxF54yKGIK7iQ6UhE2f89fPuhjmSyRoCQwgQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds">Uline</a> catalog, one of his favorite pass times and said, "Mom, did you know W@lmart and Uline are are trying to get the whole Amazon thing going again because the Amazon thing wasn't very good." He showed me where he read this choice bit of information and that is not at all what the article said, but that was his take away, he won't forget it either. I just nodded my head and agreed rather than try to explain what the article really said because that would only lead to more question's, more words and more misunderstandings. And I wonder why my brain gets tired!</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">If anyone has tips to limit the over production of words on days when the brain has limited functioning, I would love to hear from you! Also appreciated would be tips to help siblings understand and thus be a bit more gracious. I often hear a sibling say in a desperate tone of voice , "Joseph, please stop talking!" </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Follow me on FB@ <a href="https://www.facebook.com/talesfromourhouse/?ref=bookmarks">Tales From Our House Blog</a></span></div>
Sandra Zimmermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00848022860630877810noreply@blogger.com0