A Testimony Of Praise After Disruption

Yesterday Dean and I enjoyed lunch with the folks from TAP where B spent nearly 2.5 years beginning in June of 2013. We have been blessed by their wisdom and continued concern for our family since B has moved on. 

A year ago B's move was still very fresh in my mind. The mere mention of his name brought pain and I wondered if I would ever feel whole again, if I would ever get beyond the guilt I felt over disrupting his adoption.

The agency who helped us legally disrupt the adoption asked if I would be willing to serve as a reference to other folks who inquire about their services. I agreed, never realizing what a unique healing opportunity helping others would be.

Sometimes it goes weeks between calls or emails from folks wondering about Second Chance, the agency we used, other times I get several questions in a matter of days. Being able to offer hope to people who are in such turmoil about the decisions they are facing is something that gives me joy. I remember when I called Second Chance, I had a protective wall ready to put up because in my emotional pain and grief, I wasn't sure I could bounce back if I was condemned for wanting to do such a dreadful thing. I had learned the lesson, "Not everyone who is supposed to help you will do so," well, and I was ready to defend myself. Hearing a kind understanding voice on the phone was a blessing. My desire is to help others like the folks at Second Chance helped me and having the opportunity to offer hope is one way I can do that.

All that to say, nearly a year after disrupting the adoption, I feel at peace with the decisions Dean and I made. I know B is healthy, he has opportunities in his new family that we couldn't provide due in part to the other special needs in our family. Does it still hurt? Of course! I think there will always be an ache when I think over what could have been if the years of therapy had been enough to heal B.

When you have to make a decision like we did - the decision to disrupt an adoption in order to save the rest of the family, it brings a host of feelings. A year later I can see the healing that has taken place in our other children now that our lives do not include RAD. I am not saying that children who have a sibling with RAD cannot thrive, not at all. I am saying that for our children, particularly the ones who experienced loss in early child hood, it was for their good. It was also good for B to be in a home where he is not constantly faced with the past, he was able to make a fresh start and for that we praise God!

Updates, Memories And An Educents Sale

Three years ago today, my sister and I were leaving to pick B up at TAP for his first home visit. I remember how nervous I was. 

For one, I was making the 3 hour drive myself for the first time, driving on 6 lane highways was a new experience for me! 

Also I was terrified Dean and I would somehow undo the progress B made at TAP. For the first time we were getting a glimpse of the little boy hidden beneath the pain and trauma. That little boy was a lovable little chap, one I could easily bond with and I was so scared we would do something to send him back into hiding.

  I am glad we couldn't see into the future. The few home visits B had that were a success were enough to show us he could heal and that we were not doing anything that was "making him this way." Which as anyone who has parented a child with RAD will tell you, is exactly what we fear...that this child's problems are somehow our fault.

 Joseph had a rough day on Sunday. We have no idea what happened. Things were getting scrambled on their way from his brain to his mouth and hands. Monday I was called into school twice because he was melting down. Thankful for friends who can take Lia on the spur of the moment while I go to school. This same friend served us lunch when I returned from the first meltdown, what a blessing!

  Yesterday I spent the afternoon with 15 energetic 5 and 6 year old's. I signed up to be the class mom for Kindergarten as I naively thought my life would be less hectic when my children were all in school. It was a joy watching their excited faces as we played games. They are so vibrant, enjoying life to the fullest. I took my camera along but it never made it out of my purse! Yet another friend took it upon herself to make supper for us. The food was delicious and it was another reminder that God cares, because yesterday afternoon was anything but peaceful around here so we probably would have had a frozen pizza. 

  

                  Kiana's class made these cute turkeys at their Thanksgiving party. 


Notice the sparkle in her eye's? It is coming back!!!! We are thanking God for antibiotics! While she still has a long way to go, she is certainly making progress. I no longer cringe when I ask her to do a chore, she plays nicely with Lia again and the screaming has pretty much gone away. Our little girl is coming back again!

Kobi waiting for the school children to come home. every afternoon around 3:15 he climbs up on the stump to wait for them.

I joined up with an educational group called educents. They have toys/learning aids for home schooling as well as special needs children. Check them out, they have some awesome sales going on right now.

http://www.educents.com/holiday-gift-collections#smomof4

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Trust Me

The past two days have been stretching, exhausting, beautiful, encouraging and enlightening all at once. I have been taught about trust, faith, love and how great my God is. I have gone from despair to rejoicing and plunged back to despair so many times I will need a few days to sort everything out in my mind in order to process it all. Here is a short version of Friday and Saturday.

Friday morning we left home around 7:15. We dropped the girls off at friends/neighbors of ours who have their childline clearances and were able to keep Luna overnight. Tristan went to a school friend and Joseph stayed with my parents. We had reserved a motel in Capitol Heights MD. I dropped off Dean along with his stack of paper work that he wanted to work through while I spent time with Braden. I arrived at TAP right on 12:00. The plan was for Braden and I to go out for lunch together. First we went over the guidelines Miss Sharon had rehearsed with Braden; obey mom, no fake emotions and say, "Yes mom" when she tells you to do something. Saying, "Yes mom" is really hard for a child with attachment disorder because they are intentionally handing over the control to the parent. Such a small task is truly a monumental challenge for Braden. We went to Chipotles and enjoyed taco's and quesadilla's. When we arrived back at TAP, Braden, Sharon and I sat down and discussed how our lunch date had gone. He was pleased when I reported that he had done a wonderful job. Braden and I then had a one hour break. He showed me their animals, we played kickball and I pushed him on the swings. Then it was back to the house to get a few more instructions and we were free to go to the motel.
    We left Braden choose where he wanted to eat supper, he chose Papa Johns Pizza. There wasn't an eating area at the restaurant so we took our pizza back to the motel. Braden wanted to carry the pizza but it was hot so Dean told him he cannot. Usually that would have sent Braden into tantrum mode but not this time. He said, "ok" and that was it! After supper Braden got a little sad. He was worried that Miss Sharon was missing him and it made him sad to think she might be hurting!!!!! That is huge! This from a little boy who didn't know how to feel empathy for others. I was really tired so I rested while Dean and Braden browsed through a Home Depot Store that was nearby. While they were gone I suddenly felt the need to pray for their safety. Later Dean told me a man had stopped them in the parking lot, told them his story and asked for money. Dean told him he would pray for him and the fellow thanked him and left. God whispered, "See, you can trust me!"
   Saturday morning I realized I had left one of my medications at home. I go through severe withdrawal within three hours if I don't take this medication. My first response was to panic. In an almost audible voice God said, "Will you trust me?" I knew I wouldn't be able to work with Braden if I didn't have my meds. I prayed about it and we went to a nearby pharmacy. They called my home pharmacy to be sure I really did have a prescription and then gave me a pill! I was praising God when once more I heard that voice. "You can trust me!" What a mighty God we serve! I spent the day sitting on the sofa watching Miss Sharon and Mr. Eddie interact with the various children who are in their home. All of the children had attachment disorder except the Fullers own daughter. It was amazing to watch! Half grown children acting like toddlers, throwing fits then going to either Sharon or Eddie and asking for hugs and forgiveness. We plan to bring Braden home for a few days over Thanksgiving and I honestly cannot wait! Dean and I drove out the drive with thankful hearts and I heard that voice once more, "You can trust me." I didn't get pictures because I forgot my camera. Dean took a few but they aren't with the other pictures on the computer. Maybe I will be able to find them later.

I have been struggling with trust this past week. I want to trust God but my flesh is so weak. I have prayed about it but I still felt this great lack of faith and trust. I could not let Luna's case rest with God. My mind went around and around trying to figure things out. That is a dangerous thing to do as that is one of the first steps down the slippery slope to depression. That is why those whispers, "You can trust Me," meant so much. As always, keep praying that God's will would be done and we could feel that peace that passeth all understanding.

Another Visit With Braden

Tristan didn't have school today so we surprised the children and went to see Braden! They were really excited but also a little nervous. We rang the door bell and had to wait a little till Miss Sharon opened the door. Kiana was fairly dancing and Joseph volunteered to knock. They got all shy when Miss Sharon welcomed us in. She spoke with us a few minutes before she went to get Braden. He came into the room and sat beside Miss Sharon. I asked if I don't get a hug. He came running and gave me a big squeeze. 

A big bear hug! I love this little guy. 

Joseph and Braden

Kiana and Braden exclaiming how tall they had grown

Tristan and Braden

After hugs and small talk, Braden apologize to each of us. We readily forgave him.

He was so amazed by how much Luna had grown and how much she could talk. Luna followed him around the whole time we were there. It was so special watching them interact. We all found it hard to leave him behind but I know it is in everyone's best interest to slowly adjust to the "new" Braden. Next week I go down for an over night visit/training in preparation for his first home visit over Thanksgiving. Thanks for the prayers, they helped make this visit such a success. As for Luna, we are still waiting. Your prayers are keenly felt and mean more than we can say!

A Visit To See Braden!

We were down at TAP to see Braden yesterday. He grew! I didn't even recognize him at first. That may have had something to do with the fact that he hasn't had a hair cut since he went down in June. We were very impressed with how he has changed. When I hugged him he was soft rather than stiff, he wrapped his arms around my neck and participated in the hug instead of enduring it. Braden showed us the papers he is doing in school, told us he is working on relationships, showed us his bedroom and gave cards he made for us. He made good eye contact, wasn't constantly trying to control the conversation and told us what he is working on with Miss Kate , his therapist. I was amazed at the difference in him! He still has a long way to go but we are thankful he is finally beginning to "get" the concept of relationships. When he first began seeing Miss Kate she asked what he misses most about our family and he said, "The neighbors." The only time he mentioned us was when he wondered what he might be missing out on. He valued things far more than he valued people, which is a scary thought! I took a small bag of snacks along for him and he exclaimed, "You were thinking about ME!" I sure was buddy!

This is Braden's school binder. He showed us all he has been learning in school

Miss Sharon and Braden talking about what he is working on in therapy.

My mom kept Luna and Deans mom picked the school children up at school and kept them at their place till we got home. We got back to our house around 7:30 - almost 12 hours after we left! Tristan, Kiana and Joseph all needed some mom and dad time. We hadn't told K n J that we were going to see Braden because we knew they wouldn't be able to concentrate at school if they knew our plans. They had some big feelings to overcome when they found out where we were. Kiana actually cried about the whole "Braden issue" something she has seldom if ever, done. Joseph said he feels happy, mad and sad that we went. So we broke it down into three parts and figured out why he felt each feeling. He is happy because Braden is getting better, sad that he couldn't see him and mad that he was so mean to us while he lived at home. Tristan insisted he doesn't feel anything at all concerning Braden but his smart mouth told us other wise! He finally admitted that yes, it has been tough and he has mixed feelings about Braden. 

   Luna and Joseph are still sleeping and Kiana is quietly playing in the basement. This is going to be one of those sofa days. A day where I do no more than I absolutely have to. We are going to the cabin with Deans family this weekend and I have yet to plan what I am taking for my meal. I got the easiest meal of the week end, Sunday breakfast. Was feeling a little guilty but that was before all the drama of the past week took place. Now I know God had a hand in giving me that meal! :) Someday I hope to be able to handle stress better. I told Dean I am trying to get better by not doing to much but God is continually allowing things to come into our lives that derail the whole Adrenal healing process. Maybe I am still relying to much on my own strength and he is trying to teach me to lean more upon Him. 

Thanks for all the prayers this past week. I am not dwelling on the "what if's" with Luna's case and I know that is only because people are praying. We won't know much more until we meet with BCCYS. We do not have a date set for the meeting but were told BCCYS wants to have it as soon as possible. It will be a tad difficult to co ordinate 8 plus different schedules, so it might go a few weeks yet.