A Testimony Of Praise After Disruption

Yesterday Dean and I enjoyed lunch with the folks from TAP where B spent nearly 2.5 years beginning in June of 2013. We have been blessed by their wisdom and continued concern for our family since B has moved on. 

A year ago B's move was still very fresh in my mind. The mere mention of his name brought pain and I wondered if I would ever feel whole again, if I would ever get beyond the guilt I felt over disrupting his adoption.

The agency who helped us legally disrupt the adoption asked if I would be willing to serve as a reference to other folks who inquire about their services. I agreed, never realizing what a unique healing opportunity helping others would be.

Sometimes it goes weeks between calls or emails from folks wondering about Second Chance, the agency we used, other times I get several questions in a matter of days. Being able to offer hope to people who are in such turmoil about the decisions they are facing is something that gives me joy. I remember when I called Second Chance, I had a protective wall ready to put up because in my emotional pain and grief, I wasn't sure I could bounce back if I was condemned for wanting to do such a dreadful thing. I had learned the lesson, "Not everyone who is supposed to help you will do so," well, and I was ready to defend myself. Hearing a kind understanding voice on the phone was a blessing. My desire is to help others like the folks at Second Chance helped me and having the opportunity to offer hope is one way I can do that.

All that to say, nearly a year after disrupting the adoption, I feel at peace with the decisions Dean and I made. I know B is healthy, he has opportunities in his new family that we couldn't provide due in part to the other special needs in our family. Does it still hurt? Of course! I think there will always be an ache when I think over what could have been if the years of therapy had been enough to heal B.

When you have to make a decision like we did - the decision to disrupt an adoption in order to save the rest of the family, it brings a host of feelings. A year later I can see the healing that has taken place in our other children now that our lives do not include RAD. I am not saying that children who have a sibling with RAD cannot thrive, not at all. I am saying that for our children, particularly the ones who experienced loss in early child hood, it was for their good. It was also good for B to be in a home where he is not constantly faced with the past, he was able to make a fresh start and for that we praise God!

When Doors Close

"When one door closes another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon that closed door that we do not see the one that has opened for us." -Alexander Graham Bell

Door and door after door has slammed in my face in my search for health care for Kiana. The therapist we were so hopeful would work out is no longer taking new clients, neither is the PANS/PANDAS specialist. The nutritionist doesn't have openings until April and the price is a little overwhelming. Besides, do we have until April? The doctor Kiana is currently seeing prescribes one antibiotic after the next and while they take the edge off the more severe symptoms, that is about all they are doing. I find myself saying, "God, we need help here and every door is slammed in my face!"

Do you know what God reminded me of? The many, many times over the years when there wasn't a way out. Each and every time he made a way. So why can't I just sit back and trust him this time? Partly because I know what could happen if we don't get treatment and partly because I am tired of calling doctors only to be told, "Sorry we can't help you." So I began mentally going over the times God has made a way when there was no way.

-When I called TAP to talk about placing B there they initially told me they won't have an opening for 6 weeks. At the time I couldn't fathom waiting another six weeks. The very next day they said they had a room open up suddenly and we could bring him in 3 days!

-When CPS wanted to move Lia, God knocked down walls and opened doors that we didn't even know were there.

-There was the time I took Kiana to the doctor, feeling certain that she had PANS but not knowing if her pediatrician would be willing to discuss this controversial diagnosis. The doctor listened to my story and said did you ever hear of PANDAS? (PANDAS is caused by strep, PANS by stress & infections) 

-When school became to much for Joseph and the school board found a teacher willing to teach him for the remainder of the school term. I was so relieved, as I didn't feel up to homeschooling him which was our other option.

-When Joseph's dermatologist agreed that his eczema was caused by stress and worked with us to get him some relief.

-A long time ago before we knew much about RAD, I called a woman who lives clear across the USA, begging for help. She had experience parenting children with RAD and was able to give me many inside tips. We talked for several hours and when we hung up, I told Dean, "I found someone who believes our story, we aren't crazy after all!" 


"Thus saith the Lord, which maketh a way in the sea, and a path in the mighty waters..." Isaiah 43:16

How can I not trust a God who can make a way through the sea?

Does Our Past Impact The Choices We Make?

Does our past really impact the decisions and choices we make, or is that just an escape route someone dreamed up because they didn't want to accept accountability for their actions? 

  Think about it, if our current reactions to situations reflect on our past experiences, the way we are parenting our children and relating to others is serious business. Now I want to clarify that we can and do heal from traumatic happenings, we can "rise above them," so to speak but they still have an impact on how we respond to the situations in life.

   My daughter beginning Kindergarten is what triggered this whole thought process for me. How are those two things linked you ask? Almost three years ago, we learned through another source that CYS was not happy that we placed B at TAP. CYS felt we were "getting rid of him," as they said, and as a result they wanted to move Lia. We were working on the adoption process at the time and thought we had a good relationship with CYS so when we learned this we were stunned to say the least. The next months were a nightmare, in fact I don't remember much of them besides the heart ache and disbelief that we were so badly misunderstood. If CYS would have moved Lia, I would have been home alone and I was beginning to mentally prepare myself for that possibility during the months we were being investigated.

  It is now 2016, Lia is ours and she went to Kindergarten, leaving me home alone. Guess what emotions came to the surface? Panic, desperation, loss... I am reliving it all over again. This morning as I was picking up the clothing Lia left lying on the floor, I found myself mourning the loss of my little girl. I mentally walked through the grief of losing her and hugged her clothing to my heart. That quickly I snapped out of it but it was another reminder for me to give my children grace when they are obviously reliving a painful experience. 

  The only difference between my experience and my children's is that I am an adult, I can defend myself and do things to change my circumstances, plus I understand why I am triggered by certain things, my children can't.

  This is why the beginning of a new school year is so difficult for many children from hard places. Change means pain, a new school term means learning to know a new teacher, it means figuring out if she like me and accept me. When my children thought of a new school year, they thought of leaving the comforts of home and that thought made their body "remember" another time they left home and never went back. Imagine the fear they feel? The fear that they will never see mom and dad again... Except my children don't know that is where the very real terror they feel originated, they only know that the thought of school unleashes a load of mixed emotions doused with fear.

   One of our children reacts to new situations by acting ignorant and being defiant. Another child needs to me to spend time holding her and rocking. They are reacting to the current situation, a new school year, in light of their past experiences. Dean and I can explain why they feel what they do but they have to be willing to walk through that pain and reach the comfort on the other side, something that is overwhelming and scary.

  If a child has always been secure in his parents love and acceptance of him, he will usually face things like a new school year with ease because he expects people to love him. If he has been uprooted, endured prenatal substance abuse or other forms of trauma, he is much more likely to view the world as an unsafe place. What does a wild animal do when it is cornered? It snaps and snarls, looking as fierce as possible in an attempt to keep you at bay. Our children react to new situations the same way because they feel unsafe, threatened.

 Some of our children default to lying and raging when something doesn't go their way. We used to think they could stop this behavior if they wanted to, but we have learned that this is a trauma response. They are reacting to things that happened years ago and many times they can't tell us what triggers them. Consequences don't work, connecting with them, calming them and helping them figure out the big feelings behind the reaction empowers them to conquer the next battle. 

   Just this morning I saw this explanation for trauma reactions/PTSD:
 “Trauma causes the brain to malfunction. During a traumatic experience, memories cannot be processed correctly. So a person with PTSD is still carrying those traumatic experiences around in their body. Because those experiences were never filed away into the ‘past tense,’ the brain continues to operate as if the trauma is happening in the ‘present tense.’ It’s like a computer with a program that's running constantly in the background. The idle is way too high. And it’s an exhausting way to live. So those memories need to be revisited and processed. And we have an amazing way of doing that. It’s called EMDR. I won’t explain it here, but it works. It takes away symptoms. It won't turn you into a yogi who sits on the beach. But it will take away panic attacks. It will take away insomnia. And it will take away suicidal idealizations. We aren’t changing anyone. But we are getting people back to their best self.”

You can find the link here.

Why My Son Doesn't Play With Your Child

    It is tough parenting a child with hidden special needs, especially when those needs involve brain damage to the extent that it prevents the child from thriving in a typical childhood setting. 

   Ever since our problems with CYS, I battle a paranoia that someone will misinterpret our parenting and report us. After you have been reported once, your trust in fellow man has been broken. As the saying goes, "Trust is something that isn't easily fixed."

  Dean told me to view it this way, "If Joseph had diabetes we wouldn't allow people to give him candy because it could make him very sick. Attention from others interferes with the ongoing attachment struggles Joseph has. Candy could make him physically sick if he had diabetes, attention can make him mentally/emotionally sick because he has attachment problems." That example has helped me keep things in perspective more than once. Putting your arm around Joseph or giving him a hug seems like such a small thing, just as a piece of candy can seem like a small things, but the effects can be devastating.

  Joseph cannot handle very much stimulation before he either melts down or gets into trouble. The other day I was trying to think of an example to explain his disability in this area. This is what I came up with; "Emotionally healthy people have a 5 gallon can of antidote for over stimulation. What we don't use one day can be poured into the next days can, thus allowing us to have a day packed full of activities and not overwhelm our senses. Due to his FASD Joseph has only 2 ounces of this antidote and he needs every drop of those 2 ounces just to make it through each day. Playing with his siblings can take 4 ounces of antidote, attending a party requires at least 3 gallons due to his brain damage. As he has only 2 ounces to begin with, his supply is quickly depleted and his sense's begin shutting down or he goes into an all out rage. Even this wouldn't be so bad, but he needs several gallons of antidote to regain his equilibrium after such an episode. Sadly, since he is already running on empty he doesn't have any reserve. 

   So when you see us keeping Joseph by our side, this is part of the reason why. Children with FASD (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder) usually have good days and bad days meaning, sometimes they can do a certain task and the next day they may not have the mental/physical ability to do the very same thing. Sometimes I can tell Joseph to put his school clothing on and other days I have to lay it out for him, perhaps even dress him because he simply is unable to do so. The more we allow him to become over stimulated, the more bad days he has. Playing on the slide with a group of children may seem like a small matter, but for a child who suffers damage to the part of his brain that regulates his emotions, it may be enough to bring about several "bad days." 

    It is hard to know what is best for Joseph. Do we allow him to participate and have several rough days, or should we keep him calm thus allowing him to enjoy the rest of his week. Thus far the answer has been to do a little of both.


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Grieving The Loss Of A Child Who Is Still Alive

"One of the hardest things you will ever do, my dear, is to grieve the loss of a person who is still alive."

     I am a member of a support group for parents who have disrupted an adoption. One member shared this quote and I immediately knew I wanted to share it on my FB page. But as I was going through the day, I got to thinking it would make a good blog post as I have yet to read anything on how to grieve the loss of your child, while he is still alive.

    Adoption disruption is similar to a death in some ways. Granted in disruption you "chose" to go through with it while you do not choose to loose your child through death. Everything I have read on grief after loss is so familiar the grief, numbness, sense of loss, anger, guilt and sorrow mentioned have been very much a part of our journey.

    Can you grieve for someone whom you spent years trying to love? Can you grieve the loss of a child when you have literally cried buckets of tears, begged, pleaded and yes, even bargained with God to please, please help you love him? The pint sized being who spit in your face, urinated on your floors and screamed for hours on end all because you said something as simple as, "Thank you for picking up your toys." Why would you grieve the loss of that?

Can you grieve the loss of chaos....

...The lack of fear that your child is going to lie and CPS will come knocking on your door?

The lack of judgement from well meaning people who have no clue... 

Is it possible to grieve no longer having to swallow the bile that rises in your throat when someone says they wish they could adopt a child as sweet as your child...how could you grieve something like that.

BUT....

If the chaos is gone, so is the child and so is all hope of healing..

If CPS isn't knocking on your door, then obviously no one is emotionally ill enough to make false accusations, neither is the child who needed your help to heal...

No judgement, means the child isn't in your home to bring it about....

No bile... no chaos... no CPS.... no child.... only grief, and how on earth can you process that grief, when you were unable to process the push-pull relationship your RAD child insisted upon? When you aren't even sure WHAT you are grieving?

  The answer it seems, is to separate the child from his actions but quite honestly, anyone who has a child with RAD will tell you that is well nigh impossible. Attachment disorder yes, full blown RAD however is quite another story.

 So how do you grieve, what do you grieve, should you grieve?

I grieve or maybe process, would be a better term, by talking. The trouble is, adoption disruption is one of those things people don't feel comfortable talking about. I have found that the mention of B's name is all it takes to bring a momentary halt to every conversation in the room. 

    The problem is, those of us who disrupted an adoption need to talk if we are going to heal. That is how God designed us, but what is there to say about the child that used to be yours, the child who now calls another woman mommy? The child with whom you have only a handful of good memories but who was your child nevertheless? It gets old talking about the bad times but for many of us, we have only a small handful of good memories. Remembering those good moments is hard while going over the bad moments can be devastating. So we grieve the child who could still be ours if we hadn't disrupted the adoption, all the while feeling so thankful that those dark days are behind us...

....how can you feel both grief and relief at the same time?

   

Who Will Care For The Helpless Innocent Among Us?

   My heart is hurting today. Last night I received a prayer request for a family with whom CPS is involved, the family needs our prayers desperately. Pray for courage and comfort for the parents and safety and emotional security for the children. 


   There is a great need for people who are willing to open their hearts and homes to the children who come into the system needing a safe place to stay. If only it were that simple! But these children usually come with some baggage, sometimes their burdens are relatively small and they can bond with enough love, time and nurturing. Often times, it isn't that simple, neglect, abuse, poverty and trauma have left deeply ingrained marks on their hearts and brains. They come into our home's with walls built around their hearts because of the fear and pain they endured at the hands of those who were supposed to care for them. Those walls are thick and high and the cost of scaling those walls to reach the hurting little person on the other side, comes at a great cost to the foster parents. You love the child and want to help them, while they have determined in their hearts to hate you. They will not under any circumstances, allow you access to their hearts.

   Then there are the children damaged by drugs and alcohol in utero. Children who cannot fully bond because of the damage done to their brains. How do you reach these children? Are you willing to parent a child who may never be able to make good choices, a child, who is now grown into adulthood, and loves you one minute and terrifies you the next?


   Attachment disorders and the children affected by them can be very hard to understand and many are the caseworkers who are sucked in by the foster child's tale of woe. When it is the foster parents word against the child's, who is the caseworker most likely to believe? 

  This scenario or something similar plays out daily, leaving foster parents in fear for themselves and their families. Should we take the risk? 

Then I remember that the pain and fear the child tosses at you comes from the things he or she experienced when they were too small or defenseless to help themselves. The pain they are heaping upon you, comes from a deep reservoir of hurt they carry within themselves. They didn't chose this life, they are the helpless innocents, victims, really.

   Jesus says: Inasmuch as ye did it unto the least of these my brethren,  ye did it unto me. Matthew 25:40

   Did he mean we should only open the doors of our homes when we know the going will be easy?

   I will admit I struggle with this. Is it right for us to say we have our hands full or should we open our hearts and home and trust God? RAD has me running scared, it terrifies me. While I know that the fear doesn't come from God, but from the enemy of my soul, it is still very real. 

 The other day I watched Depraved Indifference, and my heart ached for those little ones. Spending years helping my children work through trauma, gives me a glimpse of what these children, whom I am sure God considers to be among the, "least of these," experience, as they watch the days go by without anyone to love them.

  Are we blind, have we become callous to the needs of the children? Do we consider it someone else's problem? Are we willing to be the hands and feet of Jesus despite the hardships we may face? These are some of the hard questions I battle in my heart. I am thankful to have a God who is willing to answer these deep questions when I ask
   
   
    Watch Depraved Indifference and ponder where God is calling you. Maybe he isn't calling you to take his little one's into your home but we are all called to pray for those on the front lines fighting for the lives of the "Helpless innocent." 

*This post featured on Rosalind Jukic Linky Party





  
  

Our Experience: When CPS Falsely Accused Us

  I have always wanted to write a post about our experience with CYS but 2 years later my emotions are still raw. I still get a lump in my throat, my heart beats faster and my stomach threatens to turn over when I think of those awful months we had. Months of not knowing whether or not we could adopt the little girl who had been in our home for 18 months, the little girl we had come to love as our own.

    In June of 2013 we placed our son Braden at Tap (The Attachment Place). Despite ongoing therapy, Braden was growing steadily worse. He was older, stronger and in school so he had more people to manipulate, more people to "tell stories" to. Dean and I felt God leading us to find a treatment home for him, somewhere where he would receive therapy 24/7 versus 1 hour a week, which by the way, is often inadequate for a child with RAD.

    At the time of placement, we were pursuing adopting Lia. Parental rights were terminated but mom appealed so we were waiting to hear from the judge.

    One day CYS called Dean and I into their office because they had some questions for us. Legitimate questions which we were only to happy to answer. I want to add that they were only doing their job by asking questions. One of their concerns was that we "got rid" of Braden. Rueters had just released information about what they called rehoming. And Children and Youth Services were under scrutiny by many people, so they obviously wanted to be sure we hadn't passed Braden "Under the table" where he could vanish without a trace. We shared information on TAP, explained why we placed him there as well as answered any other questions they had. Finally the caseworker agreed that we did what was necessary, we made this decision for Braden's emotional well being not out of spite, so they left Lia stay. We rejoiced and thought that was the end of it.

   From time to time I asked Lia's caseworker C, if they had any concerns and she assured me they didn't. 

  In October, the 3rd to be exact, S from COBYS, the agency who did the adoption paperwork came to our home to gather more information about Lia, which is the customary practice. She insisted Dean be here when she comes. It didn't really suit him but she was adamant that he be home when she comes for her visit.

   S made small talk then asked if we were aware that CYS still had serious concerns about allowing us to adopt Lia. We were speechless, I had asked C just one week prior if there were any concerns and she said there weren't.

   We asked S how to handle the situation, should we be hiring an attorney? She said it was up to us but she thinks it would be best if Dean and I, herself and all the CYS staff involved in Lia's case were to sit down and discuss the issue. She promised to attend as she was Braden's advocate through some prior interaction we had with COBYS, other than adoption that is.

   Emails flew between S, C, Dean and myself, not all of them good, as S struggled to have CYS agree to a meeting. We finally scheduled a meeting in October. In the meantime we did hire an attorney as we sensed CYS wasn't being totally honest with us. We informed CYS we had hired an attorney and she would be attending our meeting, which in retrospect was not wise.

    When the day of the meeting finally arrived, we met D, our attorney and proceeded to the CYS office where we met C and her supervisor D. Right away we knew things were bad, they were less than cordial and C wouldn't look us in the eye. We proceeded to the meeting which began with a bang. Accusation upon accusation. D our attorney, interrupted and asked if everyone could please introduce themselves, which we did. J, CYS' attorney was in attendance as well as C and her supervisor D, our resource worker A, and her supervisor M. Poor Dean was the only male in a room of women, all of whom had one mission: settle Lia's fate.

     Without going into great detail, here are a few accusations we faced: We were getting rid of Braden, which made us parents of the worse kind, I was mentally unstable etc.... none of which was true. The meeting became a heated, one sided yelling match. CYS told us we were awful people, bad parents and said they never should have allowed us to foster or adopt....they had concerns about us all along they said. In the end they unanimously agreed that Lia must be moved ASAP. Everyone that is except Lia's guardian, B. CYS said they would give B 2 weeks to decide if Lia should be moved, if she agreed, then they would begin looking for another resource family, if not the case would go to court where a judge would decide. 

          B said she didn't think CYS' accusations were enough to warrant moving Lia after she had been in our home 18 months, but of course she would be thoroughly investigating the matter. We thanked her and with tears, turned to go home. We had many people praying that day and I knew they were wondering how things had gone so I sent mom this brief text: "looks like we will loose Lia, don't call me, I can't talk"

   That afternoon I sat and held Lia. She wiped the tears from my eyes making me sob even harder. "Why God?" I asked. We followed your leading, we placed Braden at TAP because we love him and want him to get help while he is young enough to heal, what did we do wrong?" It seemed as if God was silent and my heart broke into a million different pieces.

    The next day my mom came because I was to emotionally exhausted to care for my family. I remember eating a total of one teaspoon of soup, food simply wouldn't go down. I couldn't eat, Dean couldn't eat. Of course our traumatized children reacted to such a huge change in us and reacted accordingly. Dean told Tristan a little of what we were facing because Tristan was so concerned about us. Lia woke up multiple times a night whimpering, "Mommy! Mommy!" Sometimes she wasn't even awake, she simply cried out in her sleep. And my heart broke a little more if that were possible.

      S, Lia's adoption worker wasn't at the meeting and I was hurt because I felt she could have spoken on our behalf and perhaps calmed the other people down. When I asked her about it she said CYS never told her they were having a meeting. "They didn't want me there because they knew that I knew what they were doing wasn't right," was her conclusion. 

   Shortly thereafter we began to get emails from CYS with further accusations. We received them any time, day or night and once on a Sunday morning. The accusations ran from not allowing Braden to go to Sunday School, to locking him in his room, which we did not do.

   Through various means a man from Philadelphia by the name of J called Dean. It turned out J was over various children and youth agencies and he was going to be auditing our particular agency the following day. He asked for names and other information, then promised to get back with us. J fully understood why we needed to place Braden where he could get more therapy and thanked Dean for his honesty.

   After J's visit, the emails stopped abruptly and we wondered what had unfolded. When J finally called back he wasn't concerned. He said Lia's GAL (guardian at litem) did not want Lia moved and he himself didn't think CYS had a case. 

   In January Dean and I had to go for Forensic Parenting Evaluations, where we were evaluated (cross examined) to see if our stories lined up as well as to see if we were emotionally stable and competent parents. The man doing the evaluation said we were parents who had a difficult child, we did what we thought was best but our caseworker was pushing the issue to far. Those aren't his exact words but I shall refrain from sharing them in their entirety here.

   Whether we would adopt Lia or not, depended on the evaluation and while we knew that the evaluation was in our favor, we were still very anxious as we waited and waited to here what the agency had to say. One day when C came for her monthly visit and said, "You may adopt! I am so glad the county is finally allowing you to adopt Lia!" Dean and I looked at each other as if to say, "What? You were the one sounding the alarm and making the accusations!"

   From that visit onward, C never came to our home alone, she always had another caseworker with her. I don't know if she expected us to retaliate or do something to get back at her or what. 
   
   This post is only a small piece of the story. I will add that up until this episode we had enjoyed a good relationship with the various people from our agency. This experience was hard, it is extremely hard to love a child, plan to adopt him or her only to face having her removed due to false allegations. I struggled knowing how to relate to Lia, I loved her dearly but in my humanness I wanted to shield my heart from further pain by placing a wall between us. However when I heard her sad cries and held her as she clung to me day and night, I knew there was no way I could possibly do less than give her my full heart, all my love and if I had to give her up I would have to trust that God knew best. Oh but it was so hard!!! Thanks to the many people who were on my "secret email list." When things seemed to be out of our control or when my fears threatened to overcome me, I sent out an email asking for prayer and without fail God came through! Sometimes the situation was resolved, other times he removed our fear and a deep peace settled in our hearts.

   Sometime during this experience God impressed upon my mind these words: Stand still and see the salvation of the Lord! This was such a comfort when we would be faced with an an accusation yet again.

   While this was hard, God used it for his good. I can now say that, "God is all I need." I knew that even if our worst fears came to pass, I would be okay because God was by my side. How did I know this? Even when we were certain she would be leaving, we had a peace that can only come from God. JESUS is all I will ever NEED! What a blessing, what a privilege, what an honor to have the King of kings meeting our every need!

*I use CPS (Child Protection Services) and CYS (Children and Youth Services) interchangeably in my blog. The agency we fostered with was called CYS but CPS is a much more common term

Waiting

We had a very relaxing weekend. Went to church and spent the rest of the time at home. Sunday evening Dean lit a fire in the wood stove and we toasted marshmallows and made s'mores. The fire was too hot so the marshmallows were black on the outside but they were still good.

We still haven't heard anything from Luna's GAL. My stress level is rising as I know we will soon know what she decided. She is thoroughly investigating Luna's case for which I am thankful. Keep praying for us, the stress is beginning to wear us/me down. I felt very optimistic last week but this week I find the doubts creeping in. I know we will be either devastated or rejoicing in the coming days and there is no way to prepare myself for the outcome so I go back to waiting and praying.

Prayers and A Visit To Braden

Sometimes when I look back on the past month it feels like I am peeking into someone else's life. I wonder how I would react to such circumstances and then I get this jolt and remember it is my life. It feels as if there is a shield protecting me from the "real world" out there and all the pain and turmoil can only get so close before it needs to retreat. Someone told me it is the prayers being lifted on our behalf that are carrying us along and that is exactly what it feels like. Sure, there are times the what if thoughts get the better of me and I almost panic but God kindly reminds me that He is in control. Not us. I cannot imagine how someone would be able to go through trials without Christ to guide them.

So many people came to me and said, "I wish I could do something but since I can't, be assured we are praying." That means so much. We didn't tell Kiana and Joseph all that has been going on because we felt they have had enough emotional upheavals in their short lives. We sat Tristan down and gave him a brief version of the story because he was getting very concerned about us. I expected him to be all upset, instead he was amazed that people are praying for us. There are people across the country praying for our family and it is so humbling it makes us cry and stand in awe of our almighty God.

Yesterday we were down to see Braden. He made a book for us. There was a page for each member of the family where he wrote down all the things he misses about that person. My page included my strawberry pie and having me tuck him into bed. Dean's page had going to PaulB and playing together, among other things. He sent the book along home and each of the children is supposed to draw a picture to go with their page. We will take it along on our next visit. It made the children feel good but also stirred up memories and made them miss him anew. So you can imagine how this morning went! I sat down with Kiana and Joseph separately and we talked about why Braden went to Miss Sharon, what he is working on and how he is doing so much better. They seemed to feel better after that. We had the opportunity to interact with Braden a bit more on this visit. We went out to the horses and he showed us how to feed them carrots.

Poor boy was feeling a little nervous. I told him I had butterflies as well and he thought that was funny.

It tugged at my heart to leave him there. We are hoping he can come home for his first visit over Thanksgiving. 

We haven't heard anything from Luna's GAL regarding her decision as to whether Luna should be moved. I had hoped she would call sometime this afternoon but it looks as if we will need to be patient.

Keep praying

CYS wants Luna moved asap. GAL wants to look into the case before giving her recommendation. The case will then go before the judge. It doesn't look good for us to be able to keep her. Keep praying.

A Visit To See Braden!

We were down at TAP to see Braden yesterday. He grew! I didn't even recognize him at first. That may have had something to do with the fact that he hasn't had a hair cut since he went down in June. We were very impressed with how he has changed. When I hugged him he was soft rather than stiff, he wrapped his arms around my neck and participated in the hug instead of enduring it. Braden showed us the papers he is doing in school, told us he is working on relationships, showed us his bedroom and gave cards he made for us. He made good eye contact, wasn't constantly trying to control the conversation and told us what he is working on with Miss Kate , his therapist. I was amazed at the difference in him! He still has a long way to go but we are thankful he is finally beginning to "get" the concept of relationships. When he first began seeing Miss Kate she asked what he misses most about our family and he said, "The neighbors." The only time he mentioned us was when he wondered what he might be missing out on. He valued things far more than he valued people, which is a scary thought! I took a small bag of snacks along for him and he exclaimed, "You were thinking about ME!" I sure was buddy!

This is Braden's school binder. He showed us all he has been learning in school

Miss Sharon and Braden talking about what he is working on in therapy.

My mom kept Luna and Deans mom picked the school children up at school and kept them at their place till we got home. We got back to our house around 7:30 - almost 12 hours after we left! Tristan, Kiana and Joseph all needed some mom and dad time. We hadn't told K n J that we were going to see Braden because we knew they wouldn't be able to concentrate at school if they knew our plans. They had some big feelings to overcome when they found out where we were. Kiana actually cried about the whole "Braden issue" something she has seldom if ever, done. Joseph said he feels happy, mad and sad that we went. So we broke it down into three parts and figured out why he felt each feeling. He is happy because Braden is getting better, sad that he couldn't see him and mad that he was so mean to us while he lived at home. Tristan insisted he doesn't feel anything at all concerning Braden but his smart mouth told us other wise! He finally admitted that yes, it has been tough and he has mixed feelings about Braden. 

   Luna and Joseph are still sleeping and Kiana is quietly playing in the basement. This is going to be one of those sofa days. A day where I do no more than I absolutely have to. We are going to the cabin with Deans family this weekend and I have yet to plan what I am taking for my meal. I got the easiest meal of the week end, Sunday breakfast. Was feeling a little guilty but that was before all the drama of the past week took place. Now I know God had a hand in giving me that meal! :) Someday I hope to be able to handle stress better. I told Dean I am trying to get better by not doing to much but God is continually allowing things to come into our lives that derail the whole Adrenal healing process. Maybe I am still relying to much on my own strength and he is trying to teach me to lean more upon Him. 

Thanks for all the prayers this past week. I am not dwelling on the "what if's" with Luna's case and I know that is only because people are praying. We won't know much more until we meet with BCCYS. We do not have a date set for the meeting but were told BCCYS wants to have it as soon as possible. It will be a tad difficult to co ordinate 8 plus different schedules, so it might go a few weeks yet.

Overwhelmed!

Thank you for all the prayers that were lifted on our behalf these past few days. We feel humbled when we are told time and again, "We are praying for you!" What a blessing to be part of the family of God! These past few days have been beyond stressful and if it weren't for your prayers, I am not sure what my emotional state would look like by now. As it is, we are doing ok. I will try to explain a little bit about what has been going on. Forgive me if it doesn't make sense. I made so many phone calls and sent so many emails telling our story that I tend to leave gaps, thinking I already told people something when in reality, I had told someone else.
  In June BCCYS had raised concerns about having us adopt Luna because we placed Braden out of our home. We had a very emotional meeting with them, think me sobbing and not able to talk cause I couldn't catch my breath, and felt that everything was taken care of. We asked Luna's CW about it from time to time and she assured us that she had't heard anything from her supervisor so all is well. On Thursday Sheryl from COBYS, the agency who is putting together our family profile for Luna's adoption was coming out for a visit. She was very insistent that Dean be here and we were a tad frustrated because she usually asks a few simple questions then we chat as she watches us interact with the other children. Dean is very busy at work right now and it just wasn't convenient but thankfully he did take off and was home when Sheryl came. She explained that BCCYS is concerned about Luna being with us because we "left" Braden at TAP and have had no physical contact in almost 5 months. They feel we are "getting rid of him." This was a previous complaint and we thought we had settled all that. Sheryl advised us to get up to date on our rights as foster parents. Beings Luna was with us for over a year we have more rights than if she would have only been here a few months. I asked if we should look into an attorney and she said that is up to us. Sheryl was very surprised that we had no idea BCCYS was so concerned. Sheryl offered to get a meeting set up with the BCCYS staff involved in Luna's case, she would also attend along with her supervisor. Then we could all talk this over together. I emailed the CW asking for an explanation but she didn't give me much of an answer. I also emailed Luna's GAL because we were told she wants Luna moved. When the GAL wants a child moved there isn't much you can do.
  Friday Joseph had his first therapy session with Miss Megan. I am not sure what to think. I really liked her, she seemed to understand why Joseph struggles and had good advice. However I was not allowed to sit in on his session and when she brought him back to the waiting room I asked if he had a good time and what he did. As he was telling me, Miss Megan interrupted him and said, "Remember Joseph, this therapy is your special play time with me you may tell mom everything or nothing, whatever you choose." I am not sure if my mouth dropped open or not. :( You NEVER tell a child with attachment problems that they don't need to tell mom something. It seemed to go over Josephs head though and he did well the rest of the day. Maybe I was so disregulated he didn't feel the need to create a fuss in order for his environment to feel as chaotic as he did on the inside.
  On Friday I called Angie who is our representative in this case and asked her what she thinks. She thinks we have a lot on our plate and perhaps we could care for our other children better if she was in a better home. That didn't make me feel very good! I called Donna, Carols supervisor and all she would say is she doesn't want to discuss it over the phone. I also placed a call to the GAL and asked her opinion. She said she had only heard BCCYS side of the story and no, she did not plan to move Luna at this point. She felt BCCYS has a logical concern and if we cannot come up with a rational answer to their concerns they will begin having Luna have visits with an adoptive family. I also sent emails to Miss Sharon, Kate Oliver and Miss Laura. Laura was able to give us the name of an attorney COBYS families use. We are hoping if we have legal aid, the county will back down. Miss Sharon thought perhaps we could Skype rather than having her attend the meeting in person. We are hoping Kate Oliver, his current therapist will be able to do likewise. We also made plans to go see Braden on Tuesday. County is concerned that he is being abused and we won't know it because we haven't seen him at all. I wish I would have thought to tell them that he see's a licensed therapist weekly and she would report any signs of abuse. Sheryl the lady from COBYS doesn't think the county has much of a case against us beings they have no say over where we place Braden. However they do have a say in where Luna lives and obviously feel we are not a good placement for her.

Somewhere in the midst of all the drama I had a birthday. Dean brought pizza n wings home for supper. I was way to stressed physically and emotionally to try to think of going anywhere, so that suited me just right! He also sent me these beautiful flowers

My friend Sharon and her son Moses, stopped by with a card and some more flowers. Moses even picked the one bouquet for me!

Another friend, Melissa stopped by with these whoopie pies and a huge hug. So thankful for people who care!

We also had a birthday party for Kiana and Joseph's Kindergarden teacher, Mrs. Risser. We celebrated by going to Akron park for the afternoon. She has one lively group of children!

Her birthday cake was a butterfly made out of cupcakes

Admiring the cake....

Mrs. Risser and her 11 little charges!

I am reading the book, Wrestling With An Angel. The author mentioned how people will often say God will not give you more than you can bear. His view is that God does give you more than you an bear, so much so that you are crushed and broken under the load but then God will lift you up and help you bear the burden so you will know it is only through him that you can go on. That is exactly how we have felt these past few days.  God is carrying the load for us. Please continue to pray!

Prayer Request

Please surround our family with prayer as we are facing a crisis of sorts with Luna's case and the county. If you want more info email me and I will go into more detail.