Self Care, Healing & Parental PTSD

I have been mulling this post around in my mind for months trying to find the words to explain my struggle without making my children look bad, or making it sound as though I have completely lost my marbles. I hear other mom's share their panic and despair and I wonder why this topic isn't discussed more...the topic of PTSD in parent's, especially the primary caregiver of children with developmental trauma and/or brain damage.

PTSD is a lonely road, especially when your PTSD is caused by your children. Sweet little, (or not so little) children who have everyone wrapped around their finger. Children who have perfected the art of dividing and conquering the adults in their world, children who are so terrified of a relationship with their parents that they will sacrifice the family they have without realizing the cost. It is utterly terrifying to reside in this world. Nothing is sacred, nothing off limits when trauma is the driving force behind a child's behavior. How do you even begin to explain that to someone who hasn't walked this road? Is it even possible for them to fathom the fear that lies just below the surface?

PTSD is tiring. My brain becomes exhausted trying to keep everyone's trauma from bursting out of the carefully guarded fortress of what I perceived as a safe place. If I can keep Trauma under wraps, don't give it an opportunity to escape, perhaps our family will be safe from those outside our walls. My CPS trauma, (and I am working on that) has me terrified of anyone who has the authority to step in and tear down the supports I have so carefully put in place. I know it isn't healthy to monitor my child's every interaction with others, but the cost of not monitoring them is too high, I simply can't risk it. Too many years of too much micromanaging has only served to intensify my PTSD. I thought I was the only one who did this until I talked to other parent's who have been down the road of investigations, false accusations and deeply painful experiences with those who have the authority to remove a child, the very child for whom you have been burning the candle at both ends in hopes of finding help, sacrificing so much in an attempt to help him find healing. Guess what? We are in this together, we are all afraid because we know our children can't grasp the long term repercussions of  a threat made in the height of emotion.

Most of the training I have had up until recently, has focused on being available to your child at all times. When they rage, you must be a soft place for them to land, when they scream they need to hear quiet, gentle words in return, when they destroy things you quietly go about your business and don't make a scene. They need you to be the calm, unflappable adult who can take whatever is thrown at you. Unfortunately many children will simply up the ante until you have to take notice, until you have to intervene for everyone's safety at which time the child will turn on you scraming abuse. What kind of relationship does that bring to mind? In any other situation it would be classed as an abusive one, but when it involves our children with trauma histories it quickly becomes a gray area. After all the child is acting out in the only way he knows how and if they are to learn, then they must have someone model the correct way to react to the curve balls life throws. Unfortunately when trauma/brain damage is in the picture, curve balls can be, at the very least, an hourly occurrence. For some reason we fail to take into consideration that our brains can also be traumatized. Or perhaps that shows the great love we have for our children, we are willing to sacrifice ourselves in order for them to find healing. But I now think that concept is wrong. We have to first take care of ourselves. If you are shaking your head and saying, "I told you so!" I get it, yes I was told this for years, but what no one could explain was how to provide self care and my head was so full with keeping everyone safe that I didn't have the ability to search out self care.

What does it do to a mama's heart when she hears abuse and negativity day in and day out, but every other person the child comes in contact with is blessed with a smile and kind words? It wears away at a body. Some days I can handle it while others I want to sob, "Go find yourself another mom, one you can love and respect, because no matter how hard I try, this relationship is fraught with pain!" Then I feel guilty because what kind of a mom thinks, or even worse, says such things to a hurting child? However, internalizing the pain doesn't help either. I have proof, I tried it for years and eventually my body said, "This has to stop or else." The guilt I feel for having these thoughts adds to the layers of trauma, because I long for my child to be able to rest in our love, I long to see my child thrive.

When you swallow your feelings of pain and reach out to your hurting child, only to have him throw your kindness back in your face, it hurts. The pain becomes a physical thing, takes on a presence all it's own and invade's your relationship with others. As one child recently told me, "Mom, you think everyone in the world is out to get us." That was a wake up call to me because I know what drives that type of thinking;  unresolved trauma. I also know unresolved trauma can make a person do and say thing they never would if they were operating from a place of love and security.

As is typical in traumatic relationships, walls are built to protect hurting hearts from further pain. Our home is full of these walls. I hated them, but as long as I felt like I have to be everything for my children, the walls continued to grow higher and wider still. A therapist finally looked at me point blank and said, "You need boundaries with your children and other people and I am going to hold you accountable." If I am honest, the thought both terrified me and gave me hope because while I hadn't the foggiest clue how to go about setting boundaries, I also saw a glimmer of light at the end of a very dark tunnel. For years all of my trauma training enforced the belief that I must never react negatively when my children lashed out due to their trauma. In order to maintain that level of parenting I shut down because that is the only way one can endure such an intense level of physical and emotional pain for any length of time.

I have been praying that God would show me, lead me, to those who have the ability to help our family heal and as the months have passed He has faithfully provided doctors, therapists, counselors, teachers, friends who while they may not understand are willing to listen, and others who have unknowingly ministered to our family. I have had to release my tightly clenched fists and face my fears that in doing so our family is going to be decimated. If I am honest, letting others in is a deeply traumatizing experience for me, but somehow in the midst of that letting go and facing my fears healing is coming. My PTSD is screaming at me, "This is all a mistake, your worst fears are going to come to life if you don't keep micromanaging!" But I keep reminding myself, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome." How often do we trauma mama's find ourselves on the race track of doing the same thing and hoping against hope that this time it will be different because our training says this method should work?

For me, self care means getting professional help so I can sort through my own inner pain from the past years, setting boundaries (how freeing!!) spending extra time in prayer and connecting with God, acknowledging the hurts in my life rather than trying to squash them, saying no and most of all, building a village of people that I can rely on. That village has been a long time coming, which I mostly take the blame for, but God has brought some amazing people into our lives during this past year and for them we will be forever grateful!

When Your Child's Trauma Causes Parental PTSD

Trauma. What comes to mind when you hear that word? In the world of adoption, we automatically tend to think separation from birth parents, neglect, possibly abuse, and a loss of what is known and familiar.

There is more and more information and awareness being spread about this topic, but we don't hear as much about what trauma does to a family. This is probably due to the guilt factor felt by many of us who parent a child with early child hood trauma. We think, "My child has lost so much, how dare we complain about how his trauma affects us???" If you are like me, you bottle it up. You know it isn't healthy to do so, but what are the options, especially when the layers of trauma are deep and complex.

We, like many families who began fostering before there was much training on attachment and how trauma affects a child, felt that love and supplying a child's physical needs was all that was needed for said child to grow up to be an emotionally, stable individual. Thinking back on our training, I am sure we touched on this topic although it certainly wasn't front and foremost as it should have been. Instead, we learned how various drugs affect the body and how an individual who is using them, may present. We learned how to prepare our homes to pass the safety inspections, how to fill out monthly reports and that type of thing. We didn't learn what to do if a child refused to eat for days because he was mad at mom. We didn't learn how to care for a child who screamed all day, every day, nor did we learn about building an attachment with a child who had experienced the loss of all he held dear, or worse yet, never learned to attach to anyone.

With that huge gap in our training (and I am not blaming the caseworkers, they had little more training than we did) we became foster parents to children who had been exposed to drugs and alcohol, children who had been neglected, babies who had soda in their bottles rather than nourishing formula. We had children who didn't feel pain, children who didn't recognize their birth parents even though they supposedly lived with them. We had children who rocked themselves to sleep, banged their heads on the floor and ate dog food at every opportunity...and we tried parenting them in the same manner as we did our biological son. It didn't work. Time outs didn't work, ignoring the negative behavior while praising the behavior we wanted to see didn't work, we tried every type of parenting in the book, nothing worked.

Our toddlers became preschoolers and the behaviors only intensified. We added lying, stealing and manipulating to the mix and as they grew and became school age, their behaviors only became more complex. We learned about therapeutic parenting but that only brought minimal changes. We tried therapy, but had little success. 

Our children were coping in the only way they knew how,  which was by striving to be at the top of the pack by what ever means necessary. It is called survival. Someone who is struggling to survive is not worried about relationships, he isn't thinking about how his choices affect the future, he is thinking one thing only: stay alive no matter the cost to self, or anyone else. I think we have a tendency to forget that even though our child has been with us _____ years, until they heal from their past trauma's and can truly feel safe in our home, they remain in survival mode. Several of our children have been with us for nearly a decade and they still struggle in this area.

Using traditional parenting methods with children who have experienced foundational trauma, for many reasons, only intensifies the behaviors. We have a child who struggles to stay dry, consequences are not going to help her because we know it is rooted in trauma (although I have yet to figure out exactly how, although we do know traumaversaries intensify the problem). Disciplining a child for a behavior they cannot help, does not promote bonding. Another child struggled with sticky finger's, we finally realized that we had to be proactive and check pockets, shoes etc after we had been away from home because this child truly wasn't getting that taking things was wrong. He saw it and his survival brain said, "Take it." Unfortunately, it took us years of trial and error to realize that we need a different approach and the rage and irrationality that resulted from our unsuccessful methods added another layer of trauma to our family. The child who took things, just became sneakier, we became less trustful and things snowballed.

Many of our children battle mental health issue's due to their trauma. While medication's can be very useful and even absolutely necessary, they can also have undesirable side affects behavior wise that add still more trauma. These behaviors often feel as though they are directed at you, the parent, and if you respond in the wrong way it can easily cause yet another layer of trauma.

 Our children feel safest with us, even though it certainly doesn't feel that way most days. We all let our "big feelings" out with those we know will love and support us through our worst moments. This means your child may present well in public but be a handful, to put it mildly, at home. We have one child who is a master at putting on a good front. People tell me how well this child is doing and I think, "You have no idea have no idea how much effort my child is putting forth to appear put together, the meltdown's and drama are going to be tenfold in the coming days." It's enough to make me want to crawl into a hole or become a permanent hermit. The well meant comments made in my child's hearing compound her trauma as well as mine. She knows she is presenting as someone she is not, while I remember how another child's similar actions helped lead to a CPS investigation. And guess what we get? More trauma.

Eventually we as parents develop secondary PTSD because we become traumatized by our children's trauma reactions. We dread waking them in the morning because we know we will be yelled at and have abuse heaped upon our heads. If we do something nice for our child, the behaviors will intensify tenfold..so we back off, then feel guilty for steeping back from our child when their negative behavior is clearly showing they need us. But trying to build a bond means that we are subjecting ourselves to more negativity and we begin to feel resentful. Therapist's have told me time and again, "Separate the child from his actions. Love the child but not the actions." I have yet to figure out how one does that while actively building a relationship. 

Self care is a buzzword we hear about everywhere, but when you have children with severe developmental trauma/attachment disorders it is tough. I think you need to begin practicing self care when a traumatized child is placed in your home, not when the child has been with you for years and you are hanging onto your sanity by the skin of your teeth and know that any self care on your part is going to come with a price tag, behavior wise from your child, that you simply do not have the mental and emotional stamina to pay. 

You see yourself becoming a person you never intended to be. You see bitterness, pain, grief, loss, irrational responses, fear and pain. In fact, if it were possible to look into a mirror you would see you too are a victim of trauma. You are bound by the same trauma reactions that have your child reacting negatively to everything and everyone that crosses his path.

And then there are the siblings, "What doesn't break us makes us better," according to one quote, but the stakes are high when there is constant backlash from the siblings who's very existence is built on trauma. Siblings build walls and fight battles in order to protect what they love and hold dear, but trauma knows no bounds causing further erosion in already shaky relationships. Sometimes I look at my family and shake my head in wonder that we are still standing, other times I shake it in despair because the reality is, while we have made progress, we have a loooong way to go and I wonder, "Will we make it?"

Thankfully, there is more training becoming available all the time for both parents and therapists. Training that can help children heal, training that can prevent parents from using wrong methods which only cause more trauma for everyone involved. To all you parents in the trenches of parenting a child, who for whatever reason is making your life difficult, hang in there you aren't alone! Having other parents who understand that I don't hate my child when I vent my, "Big feelings," has been a life saver. Knowing if I call a friend in tears, she will assure me that I am not a failure, that the mistakes I made are redeemable and not all is lost, is such a blessing. Knowing she will sit and listen and not judge or condemn because she too has walked this path and knows it isn't as easy as giving another consequence or standing my ground, gives me the strength to get up and try again. 

" Alone we are strong, together we are stronger"

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We Found A Therapist!

Our "therapist finding fiasco" may finally be over! I have been calling therapists near and far, searching for an attachment therapist to no avail. No one was willing to work with Kiana and I together, they all did "traditional therapy" where they meet with the child for a portion of the visit then with the parent and child together. Anyone who has a child with attachment or trauma knows that you Never leave your child alone with a therapist. One reason is that therapists are mandated reporters and are required by law to report anything they think signals abuse. The other reason is that these children are prone to lying. If the child has an attachment disorder they will intentionally lie to keep a wall between them and their parent or caregiver.

A good attachment therapist will laugh when you ask if they meet with the child alone. They know that doing so puts not only the parent but the therapist at risk because there is nothing to keep the child from making up stories about their therapist. I am amazed at how many child therapists still insist on meeting with the child alone, don't they understand what is at stake?

Anyway, two weeks ago I called a therapist that friends have given high marks. I left him a message and when he returned my call he was very professional. He told what types of therapy he uses and why. H said he would never see Kiana alone unless both him and I agreed it would be necessary for her healing. But the what really made me happy was when I mentioned that Kiana has PANS and suffers from tics/compulsions and tantrums. He told me he works with a psychiatrist who works with children who have PANS/PANDAS! He said it is nearly impossible to get an appointment with her but they work together so he is sure he could get us in. Best of all, he said if I was willing to make appointments as we go, rather than having a set date/time, he could see Kiana immediately! 

Kiana had her first therapy appointment this week and I was very pleased with how well it went. Kiana talked and the therapist knew what he was talking about. Both the therapist and I came away amazed at what the other knew about trauma. 

We even talked about B! Kiana said she sometimes acts out to see if we will find her another home, which wasn't news to me. We have discussed this umpteen times, but as is typical for children with a history like hers, she didn't believe us when we explained the differences between her needs and B's.

Kiana told the therapist that she really likes horses and he told her that his wife has one. "You may come live with us, then you can ride as much as you want," he offered. I will admit I suddenly had serious doubts that he knew what he was talking about, but I shouldn't have worried. Kiana looked at him and said, "I don't want to!" He asked why not and she said, "I don't know you." He agreed and said, "So are you saying you wouldn't feel safe living with me? Do you feel safe at home with mom and dad?" She nodded her head and he said, "I don't know B but I am guessing he didn't feel safe at home. He probably would have wanted to come live with me. That is the difference between the two of you." I saw the light bulb go on, so I knew Kiana was taking in what he said. That is exactly the kind of therapist we were looking for, someone who can reiterate what we tell Kiana, someone who can help her see that we really do love her.

Even though the appointment went better than I even dared hope, I came away exhausted. I had forgotten how hard attachment therapy is! Please pray for Kiana as she continues therapy, we got a glimpse of how bringing up all this junk will affect her and we covet your prayers. 

Wading Through Trauma & Family Life

The past 24 hours have rocked my boat pretty hard. It started when the highly recommended attachment therapist that we have been waiting nearly a year to see, informed me she is no longer taking new clients. Last April Kiana's behavior deteriorated and she never fully recovered. We tried all the usual route's changing med's, doctors and therapy. The first therapist we tried was a no go. Kiana knows too much therapy lingo for her own good. She knew what the therapist wanted and responded accordingly. Sadly the therapist didn't catch on to the the fact that Kiana was manipulating her. I tried talking with this therapist but it just didn't work out so we quit. At that time I got Kiana on a year long waiting list with an attachment therapist. I knew it was long but prior experience has taught me that a wait list can be a good thing, because others obviously want this therapist as well. Dean and I hung on, thinking, "Only a few more months until we can get in with the therapist, maybe then we will get some answers." To have that yanked out from beneath us, was tough.

Joseph has been coming home from school wound tight and when he gets home, Wham! Kiana has been processing more of her story and she is ever so angry, Wham! When they are both acting out guess what little sister does? Yup, she begins creating chaos as well. Big brother sighs, mumbles and rolls his eyes, and mom feels like doing the same thing. 

Dean has been helping me get some plans in place and I have the number for a therapist who sounds awesome. The only catch? She counsels teens. At 9 Kiana isn't a teenager, although we do wonder sometimes! Better yet, I have the name of a lady who might be able to give me the "inside help" I need to navigate Kiana's PANS. 

I found weighted animals are as therapeutic as weighted blankets. Best of all, they are cheaper, less time consuming and what is better than a big teddy that reminds you of your dog?

Meet Kobi the second

The girls love eating by candle light, so we enjoyed our valentines meal by candle light. I made a Snickers Cheesecake for dessert. It was delicious!

The book and study guide for small group Bible Study. A group of us adoptive mom's get together once a month over the winter...except it hasn't happened yet this winter because of sickness.

I made quite an assortment of beads for an order

The little lady who is so full of rage lately drew this. Including the I love you Dean!

I am doing whatever I can think of to keep our relationship intact, even if it means going to Mac's after a long drama filled afternoon.

The other week Lia and I went to see my newest niece. Lia loved holding the baby and kept telling me, "Mom, we should get a baby too!" She has no idea!

Put a little Mennonite boy in front of a TV and he is lost to the world

Tips From The Mobile Therapsit

I want to share a few things we learned from Braden's MT (mobile therapist - someone who provides therapy in your home). The MT had him pick a color for "mad," "sad," "scared" and "worried." She kept track of the feeling/color combination in her planner where he couldn't see the information. When she came for a new session she would lay out the four colors he had chosen and tell him to draw a picture. He always picked the color that went with how he was feeling at the moment! If he was feeling angry the picture was drawn with a blue crayon, when he was happy he chose the yellow crayon. So even though he couldn't always tell us how he was feeling beyond "mad" we could discern his emotions by the color crayon he chose. At the Empowered To Connect Seminar they told us mad trumps all other feelings. If they are worried, scared, sad etc. their actions will always come out as anger. Miss Sharon taught Braden that he can have several feelings at once something I never thought to teach him as I assumed he would know that. For instance you can be excited about going to school but you may also feel a little scared and worried about how the day will go.

   For a long time we didn't know what was wrong with Braden and tried pretty much anything that we felt would benefit him. He could be awful for me during the day and when Dean came home he would pull his "sad little boy" act. Dean tried to be extra loving and patient with Braden when he was home in an attempt to get close to him. Braden took this to mean that dad was on his team, not mom's.  One day Braden's therapist had him draw a picture of our family. He drew Dean and himself really big, his siblings smaller and mom laying on the floor. The therapist interpreted the drawing for me. Braden felt he was equal with Dean but mom was someone to kick around and walk over. After talking it over, Dean pulled Braden aside and said, "From now on mom and I are a team, when you give mom a hard time, I will take care of the problem when I come home from work." Almost overnight Braden began giving Dean the "RAD" treatment, defiance, willful disobedience, antagonizing him, nonsense chatter. The therapist also told me it is not wise to have a child who has RAD sit between his parents, something we often did especially when we were away to keep interference from non family members and triangulation to a minimum. The next time Braden attempted to wedge himself between Dean and I, Dean calmly told Braden to sit on the other side of him. You could see the wheels turning in his mind, mom and dad are onto that tactic time to try something else. That something else was asking lots of questions, anything to keep the parents from talking together, he needed to have the focus be on him.

   I use Braden as an example in various scenario's to give people a picture of what it is like to live with a child who suffers from RAD. Most of the examples are negative but that doesn't mean we never had good times with him. Granted, they were few and far between but we love him because he is our son and we believe God placed him in our family for a reason. One happy memory we have is from a short vacation we took to Chincoteague one summer. Braden loved the ocean. He would squeal with glee when the waves rolled over him. Dean and I stood on the sand and just watched him. Dean said, "I think for once Braden is truly happy!" Braden wasn't able to enjoy presents because he felt he didn't deserve them and if he accepts something from mom and dad that might make the bond begin to grow. The ocean was one gift we could "give" him and he could accept it without reserve.

Children on the beach 2012. 

10 Tips For Finding a Good Attachment Therapist

1. Does the therapist understand and have experience with children who have attachment disorder? Not just book knowledge, actual experience.
2. Does he/she allow you to be in the room during the therapy session, does he/she encourage you to participate in therapy?
3. How many years has he/she been a therapist, what is his/her success rate with attachment disorder children?
4. Does he/she believe and support you as the parent or does he/she take what the child says at face value
5. Does the therapist invite you as parents into the office prior to the first appointment with your child to go over the child's history and discuss problem area's and any trauma the child has experienced.
6. Is your therapist on call for emergencies or can you reach him/her when needed. Does he/she take your concerns seriously when you call
7.Does the therapist understand that the child needs to form a bond with mom and if the child is "attaching" to the therapist something needs to change.
8. Is your therapist willing to tell you when he/she is out of his/her league?
9. Is the therapist able to try different modes of therapy if one form is not helping. Not all children with attachment disorder respond to a therapist who is eternally loving and empathetic. The child needs to learn that his/her actions have consequences.
10. Is the therapist able to smell manipulation/triangulation when confronted with it.

These are tips we learned from the many therapists we visited while looking for help for our children. One therapist had no experience with AD (attachment disorder) but her boss studied it. That isn't good enough. Our child blind sided her so badly she didn't even know anything was going on. One therapist dressed in black from head to toe and had wildly died hair, this did not resonate well with the child. Another one had the child sit with him alone for 45 minutes then I came in and we sat and all talked together for 15 min. That didn't work either. One child stuffed toys in his pocket and brought them home. That same day the therapist was telling him what a good job he was doing. You know your child better than anyone and usually you intuitively know if a therapist is a good fit or not. Go with what your heart is telling you. John H. told us that mom and dad know the child best and they must advocate for that child. Someone who see's the child for one hour a week cannot see what you see when you are with them 24/7. We so appreciated him telling us that as we were told many negative things about our parenting at that time and we truly did/do care for Braden but sometimes what is right is not easy.
   Someone told Dean that sometimes what we as humans view as a failure is not a failure in God's eye's. Sometimes having us humans "fail" is part of His redemption plan for others. That was very thought provoking but led me to once more remind myself that Dean and I need to follow God's leading and not worry over the what if's. If we are called to cross the bridge of "what if" God will be there and He will lead us across.

New Therapists

I.Am. Exhausted. Which can be a good thing because that means I was doing some emotional work or it can be a bad thing because we have church tonight and I really want to go. Yesterday I met with Joseph's new therapist at Pressley Ridge to do his intake. Guess what? They will begin seeing him immediately, as in this Friday! We went over his history, what causes him to tantrum, how we handle the tantrums, what is his bio family's mental health history, does he have asthma, threaten to harm himself or others and for every answer I gave I had to explain why I felt he did this or the other thing. Going over his history was exhausting but it was good to refresh my mind and remember why my little guy struggles so much. I really liked his therapist, she is a mom which gives her a higher rating in my opinion. Her office had lots of cute drawings, pictures and gobs of fun looking toys. I almost wanted to play myself! Our next step is to get Joseph evaluated for OT, get him tested for learning disabilities and have a neuro/psych done. Feels good to be getting a plan in place.
   This morning I met with my new therapist to do my intake at Crossroads. I was very impressed with the lady who did my intake. She said she will write up a summary of our talk then in the morning they will make it a matter of prayer as to which therapist would be best for my situation. She asked me all kinds of questions I didn't have answers for such as, what are your strengths, How do you view yourself, how do you think God views you? She encouraged me to write down how I view myself then go through the Bible and find verses that tell how God views me.
   My mom came and stayed with the children this morning while I was at Crossroads. Joseph was having a good morning then suddenly everything went down hill. I sat him down for a talk and it turns out that he saw me put my shoes on and panicked because he didn't know where I was going. I hadn't told the children of my plans because they would  have had a hard time containing their excitement and would be bouncing off the walls! Slowly but surely God is revealing Joseph's triggers and we are learning how to defuse a situation before it turns into an all out war. I am feeling a bit over whelmed at the thought of adding 2-3 or more therapy appointments to each week. This too shall pass and if this is what we need to do to obtain emotional health, we will just be thankful there is help for us!

We have four of these guys scheduled to go to the butcher in a few weeks. We bought a second freezer so we will have room for our pork. No, we aren't keeping all four for ourselves! I am looking forward to fresh sausage, bacon and ham steaks. I currently have a few packs of ground beef and pork chops in my freezer. It will be nice to have some variety again.

The End Of Family Therapy

Fall is coming! We often see deer this time of year. Yesterday Tristan was eating breakfast when he spied a doe and her two fawns walking up the back drive. They came within several yards of the house. We stood just inside the patio doors watching them wander around.

This ball player got separated from her team and was found wandering through my kitchen. She is showing me her throwing arm! A bike helmet and the lattice from her play house make the perfect helmet and face shield.

Last night we had our last session of family therapy with Miss Laura. Laura doesn't feel she is able to help the children work towards reconciling with Braden while he isn't living at home. I agree but we thought family therapy was to help us deal with the trauma we endured. For some reason I keep getting the impression that the therapist feels if we would have been the "christian parents" we should have been Braden wouldn't have had to leave. I really struggle with the thought of having him come home again and am looking into some therapy for myself. I know enough about psychology to know the feelings I have towards Braden need to be resolved before he comes home or it will never work. I am comfortable calling Braden my son but not being responsible for him. He scares me in ways I never dreamed possible, besides I enjoy connecting with my children. I couldn't do that while Braden lived at home and am so afraid we will lose all we gained if he comes home.

And then there is Joseph. Sad, angry Joseph. He feels that if he could only live with his mom his world would be perfect. In his opinion, the only thing standing in the way of his being with his bio mom is Dean and I. We have gone round and round on the issue and keep getting stuck at, "But I want to live with my Mommy___!" Dean suggested he pray for his Mommy when he feels angry about the situation but in the heat of the moment he never remembers and once he is in a full blown rage there is no reasoning with him. He brought a paper home from school that was full of black and brown scribbles. That pretty much sums up his feelings: mad n sad all swirled together. Laura suggested I take him to see a therapist maybe we can receive some guidance on how to deal with his tantrums. She suggested Pressly Ridge but they don't take anyone under the age of 6. They did agree to do an intake/info app. before then. Seems like we have been down this road before... I have a chiropractor app this morning. My neck is once more out of whack due to "keeping everyone safe" during a tantrum. Oh well, at least life is never boring around here. If I could honestly choose between going through these struggles and growing closer to Jesus or skipping the struggles and not growing I would probably choose the struggles. So for today I will be thankful for the thorns that allow me to fully enjoy the roses!!