When Your Child's Trauma Causes Parental PTSD

Trauma. What comes to mind when you hear that word? In the world of adoption, we automatically tend to think separation from birth parents, neglect, possibly abuse, and a loss of what is known and familiar.

There is more and more information and awareness being spread about this topic, but we don't hear as much about what trauma does to a family. This is probably due to the guilt factor felt by many of us who parent a child with early child hood trauma. We think, "My child has lost so much, how dare we complain about how his trauma affects us???" If you are like me, you bottle it up. You know it isn't healthy to do so, but what are the options, especially when the layers of trauma are deep and complex.

We, like many families who began fostering before there was much training on attachment and how trauma affects a child, felt that love and supplying a child's physical needs was all that was needed for said child to grow up to be an emotionally, stable individual. Thinking back on our training, I am sure we touched on this topic although it certainly wasn't front and foremost as it should have been. Instead, we learned how various drugs affect the body and how an individual who is using them, may present. We learned how to prepare our homes to pass the safety inspections, how to fill out monthly reports and that type of thing. We didn't learn what to do if a child refused to eat for days because he was mad at mom. We didn't learn how to care for a child who screamed all day, every day, nor did we learn about building an attachment with a child who had experienced the loss of all he held dear, or worse yet, never learned to attach to anyone.

With that huge gap in our training (and I am not blaming the caseworkers, they had little more training than we did) we became foster parents to children who had been exposed to drugs and alcohol, children who had been neglected, babies who had soda in their bottles rather than nourishing formula. We had children who didn't feel pain, children who didn't recognize their birth parents even though they supposedly lived with them. We had children who rocked themselves to sleep, banged their heads on the floor and ate dog food at every opportunity...and we tried parenting them in the same manner as we did our biological son. It didn't work. Time outs didn't work, ignoring the negative behavior while praising the behavior we wanted to see didn't work, we tried every type of parenting in the book, nothing worked.

Our toddlers became preschoolers and the behaviors only intensified. We added lying, stealing and manipulating to the mix and as they grew and became school age, their behaviors only became more complex. We learned about therapeutic parenting but that only brought minimal changes. We tried therapy, but had little success. 

Our children were coping in the only way they knew how,  which was by striving to be at the top of the pack by what ever means necessary. It is called survival. Someone who is struggling to survive is not worried about relationships, he isn't thinking about how his choices affect the future, he is thinking one thing only: stay alive no matter the cost to self, or anyone else. I think we have a tendency to forget that even though our child has been with us _____ years, until they heal from their past trauma's and can truly feel safe in our home, they remain in survival mode. Several of our children have been with us for nearly a decade and they still struggle in this area.

Using traditional parenting methods with children who have experienced foundational trauma, for many reasons, only intensifies the behaviors. We have a child who struggles to stay dry, consequences are not going to help her because we know it is rooted in trauma (although I have yet to figure out exactly how, although we do know traumaversaries intensify the problem). Disciplining a child for a behavior they cannot help, does not promote bonding. Another child struggled with sticky finger's, we finally realized that we had to be proactive and check pockets, shoes etc after we had been away from home because this child truly wasn't getting that taking things was wrong. He saw it and his survival brain said, "Take it." Unfortunately, it took us years of trial and error to realize that we need a different approach and the rage and irrationality that resulted from our unsuccessful methods added another layer of trauma to our family. The child who took things, just became sneakier, we became less trustful and things snowballed.

Many of our children battle mental health issue's due to their trauma. While medication's can be very useful and even absolutely necessary, they can also have undesirable side affects behavior wise that add still more trauma. These behaviors often feel as though they are directed at you, the parent, and if you respond in the wrong way it can easily cause yet another layer of trauma.

 Our children feel safest with us, even though it certainly doesn't feel that way most days. We all let our "big feelings" out with those we know will love and support us through our worst moments. This means your child may present well in public but be a handful, to put it mildly, at home. We have one child who is a master at putting on a good front. People tell me how well this child is doing and I think, "You have no idea have no idea how much effort my child is putting forth to appear put together, the meltdown's and drama are going to be tenfold in the coming days." It's enough to make me want to crawl into a hole or become a permanent hermit. The well meant comments made in my child's hearing compound her trauma as well as mine. She knows she is presenting as someone she is not, while I remember how another child's similar actions helped lead to a CPS investigation. And guess what we get? More trauma.

Eventually we as parents develop secondary PTSD because we become traumatized by our children's trauma reactions. We dread waking them in the morning because we know we will be yelled at and have abuse heaped upon our heads. If we do something nice for our child, the behaviors will intensify tenfold..so we back off, then feel guilty for steeping back from our child when their negative behavior is clearly showing they need us. But trying to build a bond means that we are subjecting ourselves to more negativity and we begin to feel resentful. Therapist's have told me time and again, "Separate the child from his actions. Love the child but not the actions." I have yet to figure out how one does that while actively building a relationship. 

Self care is a buzzword we hear about everywhere, but when you have children with severe developmental trauma/attachment disorders it is tough. I think you need to begin practicing self care when a traumatized child is placed in your home, not when the child has been with you for years and you are hanging onto your sanity by the skin of your teeth and know that any self care on your part is going to come with a price tag, behavior wise from your child, that you simply do not have the mental and emotional stamina to pay. 

You see yourself becoming a person you never intended to be. You see bitterness, pain, grief, loss, irrational responses, fear and pain. In fact, if it were possible to look into a mirror you would see you too are a victim of trauma. You are bound by the same trauma reactions that have your child reacting negatively to everything and everyone that crosses his path.

And then there are the siblings, "What doesn't break us makes us better," according to one quote, but the stakes are high when there is constant backlash from the siblings who's very existence is built on trauma. Siblings build walls and fight battles in order to protect what they love and hold dear, but trauma knows no bounds causing further erosion in already shaky relationships. Sometimes I look at my family and shake my head in wonder that we are still standing, other times I shake it in despair because the reality is, while we have made progress, we have a loooong way to go and I wonder, "Will we make it?"

Thankfully, there is more training becoming available all the time for both parents and therapists. Training that can help children heal, training that can prevent parents from using wrong methods which only cause more trauma for everyone involved. To all you parents in the trenches of parenting a child, who for whatever reason is making your life difficult, hang in there you aren't alone! Having other parents who understand that I don't hate my child when I vent my, "Big feelings," has been a life saver. Knowing if I call a friend in tears, she will assure me that I am not a failure, that the mistakes I made are redeemable and not all is lost, is such a blessing. Knowing she will sit and listen and not judge or condemn because she too has walked this path and knows it isn't as easy as giving another consequence or standing my ground, gives me the strength to get up and try again. 

" Alone we are strong, together we are stronger"

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When Mom's Brain Is MIA -Living With FASD

My blog posts have been few and far between these last months. I was dealing with health problems that had doctor's stumped. I reacted to medication's, spent days with no energy, and as the days and weeks wore on, felt a depression settle over me because no one could help me. As the days passed I was less and less in tune with the world around me... and the children felt it.

Having a mom who's brain was MIA, triggered trauma's that hadn't raised their head in a long time. Everyone know's that trauma can hinder a child's ability to self regulate, but it wasn't until I was floating adrift myself, that I realized how much my children rely on me. As much as I tried to appear strong and in control on the outside, I couldn't hide how torn up I was. For the past ten years, we have worked closely together to overcome the trauma that was doing it's best to undermine the foundation of trust we struggled to lay down and keep in place. That close interaction is absolutely necessary when healing from trauma, but it also means mom can't hide behind a fake smile. My children can read me like a book and even though I reassured them that I was okay, deep inside they knew I wasn't and it shook them to the core.

Old trauma's that I had forgotten about, came back with a vengeance. We had wet spot's on the sofa, eating, eating, and eating to drown the feelings of panic, meltdowns, the lying was through the roof and oh, the tears and manipulation! I pleaded with God for answer's to my health problems, if not for my sake, then for my children's. Dean and I carefully guard the foundation of trust that is being built between us and our children. The little bit of trust we have gained is so precious to us, that we go to great length's to preserve it. Knowing it only takes a few minute's to undermine that foundation,makes us all the more cautious. But here we were, weeks into this ordeal and losing out more each day. I was desperate!

How do you reassure a child who has personal experience with mom leaving? I have been here as mom for ten years, but that doesn't mean I will be here tomorrow. This child guards her heart closely, it was hurt once, and she won't risk having it hurt again. We have been making some progress, but having mom sick did a great deal of damage to the fragile trust that was beginning to form. Someone said, "How she loves you!" It is true she does, but deep underneath where no one but mom and dad could see, was FEAR! And it was driving her to try desperate measure's. 

How does a child who has zero self regulation keep from falling apart when his stabilizing force is no longer there? The answer is simple: he doesn't. Poor Joseph spent more time getting lost in our house, losing his possession's, getting into trouble and hurting himself than he has in a long time. It seemed as though his brain literally couldn't function when he was no longer grounded.

How does a child who is facing the real (to him)  fear of losing another mom react? He become's angry, he starts testing you, he pulls away emotionally. When mom is sick, it is very easy to pull away as well because who has the energy for this kind of drama when you aren't feeling well?

The coming weeks are going to be challenging because a lot of behaviors and attitude's were left slide. Fear gained a foot hold in my children's minds and it isn't going to be easy to send him packing. I would love to hear how you regroup when stability has been rocked, when attachment has been challenged, when fears that were laid to rest rise again. I have to be very careful because just as my children react to a lack of structure, too much "bonding" scares them just as badly.

Here is a quote that sums up how scattered one child felt: "Where am I? I went back and I was right, but now I can't find where I am." 


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From The Inside Looking Out - When FASD Is Hard To Explain -Living With FASD

I have recently begun following Beating Trauma With Elisabeth Corey  and love her many thought provoking posts and comments. If you are a victim of trauma. or parenting children with trauma, I urge you to check out her FB page. She works with adults, but her writings offer insight into why our children struggle in particular area's. As I have said before; FASD is a form of trauma due to both the prenatal exposure the child endured, and going through life with this particular form of brain damage is an open invitation for further trauma to occur.

When I feel frustrated with someone who obviously does not get Joseph's disability and through their interaction with him, are compounding the problem, I try to place myself in their shoes. What must the situation look like to them? Here is a child who's parents have obviously placed severe boundaries in his life, they also monitor his speech and actions,while insist on being by his side at all times. For all intents and purposes, the parents appear to be both coddling him while not allowing him to have a social life. When someone comes to me in what feels to me like a defensive manner, and begins questioning our parenting of Joseph, I am slowly learning that they won't be able to understand no matter how much I explain and I must remember that, "From the outside looking in, it is hard to understand."

The flip side is when you are on the inside looking out and you know if you could help people understand that you aren't being mean to your child, nor are you coddling him, you would have a great deal less stress. If only they could understand that you are merely providing the supports and boundaries he needs to both thrive and survive, and that if it were at all possible you would be only to happy to let up on them. I don't think you can explain how draining it is to keep a constant eye on your child, to think of the 101 things he could get into even though you have been super vigilant. Joseph has the uncanny ability to get into trouble or hurt himself, even when he is in line of vision. It is due in part to his lack of cause and effect, along with dysmaturity which means that while he is the size of a 10 year old, he is developmentally between the ages of 3-5. He is tall enough to reach the counter tops, the stove etc. but he can't be trusted not to turn on the stove or taste a mouthful of spices. 

How do you explain that while my son can speak fairly intelligently on certain subjects, he has no idea if a topic is appropriate, nor when it is time to discontinue the discussion. He will talk to you about any given subject for as long as you listen. The more you engage him, the more he talks and the bigger the fall out will be. How do you explain that interacting with my child causes him to become hyper vigilant without sounding like an over protective, paranoid parent? The brain power needed for each interaction, rapidly uses up the meager store he has on any given day. This means he won't have enough brain power to regulate his emotions, follow instructions, or even enjoy the remainder of his day. When he becomes over stimulated, his cortisol goes through the roof and he is unable to relax enough to sleep, resulting in still more tears. 

How do you explain the grief you feel when you see your child mourning his inability to interact with his peers? I often hear, "But ____________ is 10 and he can ___________, so why can't I?" He cannot understand that he has a disability, he only knows that others his age have privileges that are light years beyond what he can enjoy. 

And then there is the guilt that you have to work through in order to be the parent your child needs. 

You feel guilty for getting frustrated with his ceaseless chatter about nonsense. 

You feel guilty for resenting this disability that has turned life as you knew it on it's head and will continue to be foremost in any family decisions in the future. 

You feel guilty for getting frustrated with your child, because sometimes that stress presents itself in ways that make you wonder who you have become.

You feel guilty for insisting that your child have a small life even though it is in his best interest, because you know keeping his world small, means he is easier to care for.

All these reasons, plus a host of others make it incredibly difficult to explain what it is like to parent a child with FASD and from the inside looking out, it would make all the difference if only you could. 

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Your Values Versus Your Child's Need's

"Don't let your values get in the way of your child's needs."

Most people have a set of values which they have either had passed down to them or were built from their own life experiences. We are no different. We wanted our children to be respectful, polite and honest and when we began foster care we thought we would naturally pass those values on to the children, especially if they eventually joined our family via adoption. Naive? Yes!

My children are respectful as long as they feel safe and no one challenges them on anything. This is natural, the difference is in the things that make my children feel unsafe. 

-No clean cereal bowls

-Mom preparing to go away

-Dad working late

-Having friends over

-Sibling receiving a gift

-Having to wait for a snack

-Being told no

-Being told to redo a chore

-Confrontation

All these things and a thousand more bring on panic and no one is able to be respectful when their fight, flight or freeze system is activated. The fact is, my children are seldom respectful because they are triggered the majority of the time. We could demand respect and punish when they fail but that would mean we are putting our value's ahead of their needs. Instead we offer redo's and we give snacks even when mealtime is only 20 minutes away. We keep trauma in the forefront of our minds at all times. Trauma trumps respect, although we are certainly working on it when we can.

Our children steal. This one I could hardly get beyond. I remember taking a tootsie roll from the store as a child and having to go back and pay for it. I never took anything again! Our children don't learn from consequences. They see something they want so they take it. Some of it is due to impulsiveness, but the majority can be blamed on trauma. When your body has been trained to fear that your needs won't be met it is very hard to change that mindset. We tried consequences, we tried having the child do the talking when we returned an item, anything to prevent it from happening again. But it always did. Our children tend to cycle through these trauma behaviors so when we know a child has been having sticky fingers we check shoes, coats and undergarments before going home. Depending on the situation, we may talk with the child. Other times we don't make a big deal because reprimanding/consequencing the child usually comes at the expense of our relationship, a price that is too high to pay.

Lying. This one still makes me angry at times. Thankfully I am learning that lying is a trauma response, not something to be taken personally. I am also slowly learning not to ask the "why" question as that only sets the stage for more lies. Take the evidence and deal with it. Don't waste time trying to figure out the why behind the action as the child probably doesn't know himself why he lied. If we would punish for every lie, our days would be filled with chaos, not at all conducive to healing traumatized little bodies.

Being kind to others is something my children struggle with. Again, there are many reasons for this but trauma is usually at the root. Fear people won't like them drives them to act out in inappropriate ways to try to get a laugh. Their wants/needs trump those of anyone else. Empathy is a hard concept when your brain is primed for panic.

Once upon a time we parented our children in a "typical" manner. We quickly learned that didn't work but it wasn't until Braden went to The Attachment Place and they taught us about TBRI that we really began to understand that our children need to heal emotionally. For emotional healing to occur, we need to make sure they feel safe so they can grasp things like being respectful, polite and truthful at all times.

Sometimes trauma/special needs parenting leaves me feeling like a complete and utter failure. After all, two of our children have been in our home for 10 years already and while they have made progress, they have so far to go. Sometimes I feel like they just have to get it and then I go into a blind panic, drilling the concepts of honesty and respectfulness into them. Without fail it all falls apart because they simply do not have the ability to maintain that level of life in addition to their trauma. Then I fall into the opposite ditch and go easy on them because I feel so badly for asking more of them than they could give. Of course that doesn't work much better. It takes constant tweaking, constant monitoring and constant mindfulness to be the parent our children need. They need us to walk alongside them, providing an arm to lean on in weak moments while being alert for those moments when they are strong enough to take a few baby steps on their own. When they take those small steps, it makes my heart swell with love and admiration for my children who are working through issues that would drive many an adult to their knee's.

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All Or None - Finding The Unique Balance In Trust

TRUST: FIRM BELIEF IN THE RELIABILITY, TRUTH, ABILITY OR STRENGTH OF SOMEONE OR SOMETHING.

Trust is a big issue in our house. The majority of us have trust issues, myself included. A baby is born primed to build on the trust foundation that has already begun in the womb. However when a baby doesn't receive the nurture he needs, he doesn't feel safe and the trust pattern doesn't develop. This pattern of trust can be disrupted by many things, maternal distress, lack of nurture, if baby is a preemie or needs extensive medical procedures and/or has unabated pain. In my post, Anxiety - The Alarm Of Being Separated I wrote that it isn't necessarily the type/severity of a situation that raises alarm but how the child perceives it. If a child feels there is no way out, if he has no one to look out for him, he will be a fearful child. In reality he may have loving parents but in his mind he is all alone. This is why it is so important to not only practice attachment parenting but to make sure your child is feeling loved and secure. Looking back, that is where we messed up. We practiced TBRI but due to some of our children's unique needs, they weren't getting the message and their attachment struggles continued unabated. 

Joseph trusts everyone and Kiana trusts no one, while I only trust those who have proved themselves trustworthy. I can understand  both of my children's needs, although I can certainly relate to Kiana much more than Joseph in this area. Due to his FASD, Joseph has no sense of stranger danger, thus everyone is his friend. He cannot read body language which would tip most people off as to whether someone is a friend or foe.

Kiana spent her early months feeling fearful and insecure. When she came to us, she was pretty much on target developmentally and not knowing anything of attachment disorders we assumed all was well. She presented well and I think she would have been okay if we hadn't brought two more baby's into our home. Having three attachment challenged baby's and no knowledge of attachment is a recipe for disaster! But like so many other parents, we meant well. We thought food and love was all they needed to thrive. In hindsight I should have been wearing each of the children in a sling, bottle feeding them, massaging them and giving each one my undivided attention. I didn't, not least because it was impossible and so we exacerbated the problem.

Now I have one child who needs to be watched every moment in public because he will go with anyone. He will talk to anyone and tell them anything they wish to know. He has no sense of what is an appropriate conversation. You ask him a question and he will tell you what he thinks you want to hear. Scary stuff in this world where no one is exempt from being accused of abusing their children. Kiana on the other hand is too scared to trust Dean or I for the love and nurture she needs so she will seek it out from other people. When we go away she has no qualms about asking the hostess for things. She will cuddle up to people, look them in the eye and act as though she totally adores them. In reality she is seeking love and nurture but is too scared to get it from her parents so she seeks it from other people with whom she doesn't have to maintain an ongoing relationship. 

This means my children look like the most outgoing loving children while their parents present as overbearing and strict. This presentation makes people even more "concerned" about our children which makes them dote on them all the more. 

After a recent situation I called Kiana out on her actions. By the way, she was totally unaware why she acts as she does. I figured at 10 years of age and because she truly wants to trust us but doesn't dare, perhaps a brief lesson on attachment, such as how it occurs and what it looks like in an older child was in order. I told her what had happened - she had soaked up love from someone else and as a result was being, lets just use the word challenging! Then explained that when a child gets love from other people he doesn't need to get it from his parents. That is okay for a well attached child but devastating for a child who is scared of trust. She understood that so I asked how she thinks __________ would have reacted if she would have acted in such a manner towards them. She looked at me and said, "____________ would have given me consequences!" I almost laughed because while I don't think she would have been given a consequence, she would have been told to go play, which would have felt like one. Poor girl, no child should have an  attachment disorder and brain inflammation! If I am honest, there are days I feel no parent should have to deal with such a situation either!

We have had some late night's with Kiana this week. She is fearful and dreams up ways to keep herself safe. The trouble is her "backup" makes her uneasy so she acts out and I get the brunt of her anxiety. Last night I told her about the times when I struggled with anxiety and depression and had feelings and fears similar to what she is experiencing. She wondered how I got better and Dean said, "Mom had to talk and use true words." One of Kiana's coping mechanisms is to tell us stories that are close to the truth but still don't reveal her deep fears and emotions. She wasn't sure about that because using true words means she is giving us a level of trust which makes her very uncomfortable. You know I never dreamed I would be thankful for those months of anxiety and depression, they were awful but now I can look back and pull out bits and pieces and they help Kiana. Please pray for Kiana, she is in a vulnerable place right now, Dean and I covet your prayers as well. 

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Anxiety - The Alarm Of Being Separated

Last night I listened to Gordon Neufeld talking about, Making Sense of Anxiety In Children And Youth. And I was struck that despite our best efforts in attachment parenting we were still missing a vital component.

Gordon begins by saying that one of our biggest mistakes when treating childhood anxiety, is that we still use adult methods such as rationalizing irrational thoughts and prescribing medication. We focus on the symptoms versus the root cause. Amen, I heartily agree with that one! While psych meds can be a blessing, the more I learn about them, the more I realize they are way over prescribed and rather than "heal" a patient they simply alleviate the symptoms leaving the root cause to manifest itself in other ways. Of course there are times when medication is necessary for someone to begin healing but that isn't what I am here to share today.

Anxiety is a vague sense of feeling unsafe and unease characterized by apprehension which is both cognitive and emotional, along with a restless sense of what it is all about.

We are born with an already intact alarm system, in fact this alarm system is developed around 6 months gestation. What is the alarm system? It is a complex system that involves the limbic and emotional system. When you are alarmed your emotions are activated and your limbic system senses this (similar to a startle response). The alarm system makes you aware that something is wrong and our perception of our world fills in information. There is a heart response, then a mind response but this is all below the level of consciousness. Even though we are not consciously aware of all that is happening, the process brings emotions.

There is the belief that how you respond is most determined by what you see and unless we as parents "see" correctly, we won't respond correctly. 

When a child is about to enter a street you raise your voice and hope to see that light of recognition in their eye which signifies their alarm system has been activated. He will respond to your call with, "What?" And you will tell them. This is how the alarm system is supposed to work but for many it doesn't.

A child is faced with many devastating experiences; daddy being gone, loss of a loved one etc. but there is nothing the child can do about these experiences and a sense of futility comes over the child. When this happens the amygdala sends a signal to the lacrimal gland and the eyes water. When we are up against something we cannot change we become transformed through the process of adaptation. There are many kinds of tears but the tears of futility are a special kind, requiring a soft heart and a safe place for the child to experience them. Gordon said that many people with whom he worked both in private practice and in the prison system are dry eyed, they have lost the tears of futility. We witnessed this first hand with Braden although of course we weren't aware of this at the time. When a child truely experiences futile tears, behaviors melt away in their wake, leaving an hour or more where those behaviors are totally gone. We have seen this first hand as well. When Kiana truly cries those tears of futility, she is soft, safe and secure and all the behaviors that plague her are gone.

Anxiety is a matter of the heart, you can't think yourself out of this one, the more you think, the more anxious you become. We are created to find rest and relief which is why children need their tears when faced with futile situations, it leads to resilience, the brain realizes it can survive. The answer to anxiety has to do with tears of futility.

When lacking tears of futility another pathway opens, the path of courage or the path of things we treasure. We need to fight for the things we treasure and that brings mixed feelings. Until age 6 many children aren't able to reach a resolution to their sense of alarm. This leaves a child with the, "I want to go, I don't want to go" feeling but he isn't even aware that is what is going on. Typically in such a situation the child will begin to cry (and we as parent brush it off as childishness, which it is.) However some children, especially those who have learned not to cry, don't shed any tears and the alarm goes louder and higher. 

We know that feelings of alarm should move us...
....to caution if possible
... to cry if the situation is futile
.... to take courage in what alarms us in our way.
As parents we are traffic directors, deciding which route our child should take in any given situation. To help move to tears or to courage. 

Most neuroscientists have not yet figured out why this alarm system is so important because they don't understand the attachment theory. Attachment - facing the loss or lack of proximity with what or to whom we are attached. Separation is what alarms us so much. Attachment is our preeminent need, the less developed we are the greater the need. Pursuit of proximity is all about being with mom and dad or a teddy, sibling etc. when separated it triggers an alarm because we need proximity for our survival, it is a preeminent need. Every time an infant faces separation, it triggers the alarm. Ideally the first 6 years are all about relationships. Year after year another level of understanding of proximity, thus understanding of separation develops. Which means a child's "opportunity" to experience separation increases.

We typically think of attachment growing through the senses such as sight, smell, hearing and touch but in reality it is all about closeness and proximity.

By 2nd year the child's life is all about becoming "like." We feel close to those we are like but that opens another way of separation. To be different than, gives way to anxiety.

By 3rd year the child wants to belong, to be on the same side as. When the child doesn't experience a sense of belonging with those to whom he is attached, the alarm goes off.

By 4th year it is incredibly important for the child to matter. He feels close to those to whom he considers dear and when he doesn't experience that closeness, the alarm goes off.

By 5 yrs he becomes involved. He puts his heart into whatever he is attached to. But when you give your heart away it can be broken. another form of separation. If all develops well he realizes that to be known is to have no secrets that will come between. It alarms a child greatly when he has a secret which he cannot afford to tell mom. The alarm has to be silenced. Think of how often a child experiences separation, how often that alarm goes off:
bedtime is a big one
school
daycare
rival with a sibling for parents attention
in all these things he is experiencing a sense of separation.
When faced with separation, we are blinded to the reason. Separation is a significant experience but it is the vulnerability that is too much to bear. In our emotions we feel this deep wound and defenses are erected while other feelings are numbed out. The brain automatically tunes out perceptions that would lead to vulnerability. the most vulnerable of feelings are:
maternal rejection
separation from life we are used to
not being invited into the primary attachments presence.

The children with whom I work cannot name these rejections because when a separation becomes that intimate, a child cannot see it. Major rejections cause us to become blinded to even periphery rejections such as not being included in a party, missing teddy bear, different than others etc...

When we become blinded by the experiences that affect us the most it orphans the feelings of alarm, divorcing them from the cause. The brain cannot stand this and tries to figure out what is wrong. The brain is a "meaning making" organism and needs to know what is wrong. When it isn't given information it begins inventing reasons. the brain expresses alarm to what can be seen but since it is blinded it gives rise to obsessions that are irrational reasons for alarm. Gordon calls these irrational reasons, "Cognitive backfill." When the brain simply invents reasons it has certain themes it tends to follow such as, something is out of order and I am alarmed. Or somethings out to get me, paranoia of a circumstance or situation connected to the alarm which brings about phobia's.

All of these things come about because we are blinded by what is underneath - the separation we are experiencing. We call this, the alarm without eyes.

How does a sense of blindness disable the alarm system?
We know we can be defended against something that is too much to bear if it is situational but the problem occurs when our senses get stuck and our perception is knocked out. The brain can even knock out some feelings and impulses. An example is the child who doesn't heed caution. He becomes restless and reckless. We have agitation with no apprehension. The child doesn't say, "I don't feel safe." In fact he uses no safety language at all and if you were to ask him if he is scared, he will say no. But we are all scared! 

Even deeper: is the child who's brain goes right to physiology- this child can present as cool as a cucumber. You will never know he is alarmed. This child seeks adrenaline that is associated with the alarm system. These children do things like cutting just for the adrenaline rush. Our children are so highly alarmed they are becoming defended against it. Now we have:
-Anxiety based problems - not feeling safe, behaviors, phobia's, nightmares OCD
-Agitation based problems - this child doesn't feel unsafe. He is not scared or restless, he is reckless, dangerous constantly in harms way, implusive.
- Adrenaline based problems - devoid of feeling of alarm, attracted to what alarms, lacks attachment to conscience and engages in alarming behavior.

In this context we see that anxiety based problems are not that bad in relation to the other two. Anxiety makes you feel miserable but in reality you are better off than the one who doesn't feel pain. Anxiety loops and loops with no way out giving you no way to deal with source or find an outlet. Anxiety is incredibly uncomfortable so the child chews his nails, suck's on clothing or hands because this evokes the parasympathetic nervous system.

Some ways that we are separating our children and setting off the alarm is when we place them in time out or when we give a consequence and seek to find what the child is attached to so you can take it and use it against them. 

Separation is a vulnerability that is too much to bear. We get alarmed when faced with separation.

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Anxiety

Anxiety: A feeling of worry or fear strong enough to interfere with ones daily activities.

My withdrawal has been a challenge to deal with lately. My symptoms change daily, with the worst ones typically lasting a few weeks. My most recent symptom is anxiety. While I hate it, I am also a wee bit thankful for it because it helps me understand my children better. 

The best way I can think to describe anxiety is a feeling of dread or doom. The feeling sweeps over me and I think, "Do I feel this way because something is going to happen and I am being warned?" Then I remember, this is just anxiety again and I force myself to quit worrying about the latest fear my brain has created. Since I am aware of the thought process that exacerbate's anxiety it is a bit easier for me to ward it off. 

Several of our children struggle with anxiety and one would think having dealt with it personally would make it easier to relate to them, sadly it doesn't always work that way.

Joseph has anxiety due to his FASD. He cannot rationalize, doesn't understand his world and is out of tune with his body and emotions. The perfect atmosphere for anxiety to percolate.

Lyme disease and PANS have brought about intense anxiety for Kiana. Along with anxiety, she suffers from intrusive thoughts which she despises and fears. She doesn't like bedtime because she worries that the intrusive thoughts will take over which causes anxiety which in turn stimulate her intrusive thoughts and round we go. Keeping her on oral anti inflammatory meds have helped keep her brain inflammation down. since the inflammation is the source of her negative thought patterns. 

This is some of what we deal with on a daily basis, manageable but frustrating. Then Dean went on an overnight business trip and the children's anxiety went through the roof. Kiana is certain her dad won't come home again. Nothing I say or do, makes her feel any better. Lia walked around sobbing yesterday because, "I just wish dad was home!" 

Our house was the scene of much wailing and lamenting yesterday morning. Today the wailing turned to rage. I feared for our patio door but once more it stayed in one piece despite the rough treatment it was getting. I couldn't make sense of it. They know Dean is coming home tonight so why all the big feelings? As I pondered it, it struck me, they are sure dad isn't coming home and since dad is supposed to be home tonight, they will soon be faced with their worst fear (or so they think.) Kiana's anxiety was so high today she spent the day in bed reading her new library books. I figured since she isn't hurting herself or disturbing the rest of the family, school work can just go on the back burner for the day. 

We can usually help our children through emotional junk by getting them to talk but they don't have words for their anxiety. They just say, "I am mad about something but I don't know what!" If anyone has advice for childhood anxiety, I am all ears.

Trust Is The Platform On Which We Build Relationships, Lessons In Bonding

Will you be there for me?

Will you catch me if I fall?

Do you have my back?

Our children base everything they do on these questions. Most times it isn't a conscious decision, they don't think, "Mom might not take care of me," after which a sense of fear overwhelms them and they either shut down or throw a tantrum. Instead what usually happens is something triggers the memory of feeling abandoned and their behavior deteriorates from there. A child who has a good bond with his parents may experience the same situation, he may feel fear but he goes to his parents for comfort and security whereas children from hard places immediately assume they will be left to fend for themselves and they panic.

 Sometimes I wonder if we will ever reach the place where our children will default to, "I am loved, I am wanted, I am needed," instead of always coming up against the rock wall of, "But you might leave me this time."

  Yesterday marked the second week of school and the noise from little people trying to adjust to the change in their lives has my ears begging for mercy. One whined, one refused to follow instructions and the third melted down in a puddle of tears whenever I tried to figure out what was wrong. While I expected this fall out, as is usual, I was blindsided by the intensity of it.

 After helping Joseph work through a melt down that honestly didn't make much sense, I got to thinking, "This is all about trusting that mom and dad will be there for me." I was tempted to throw my hands up in defeat. We have poured love, time... our whole hearts into helping our children feel loved and cared for but they still worry we are going to walk out on them!

I know the new school year is what triggered this anxiety. All summer the children spent their time at home with me. Their days were fairly routine and best of all, they always knew where mom was. Now they go to school and don't see Dean or I for 6 plus hours. They don't know if I will be there when they get home from school, even though I always am. They don't know if I decided I am tired of being a mom and walked out the door. You and I know that is an absurd thought but my children don't know that. They each had another mom who they think did just that. If their biological mom didn't take care of them what is keeping me from doing the same thing?

 The other evening Kiana was trying to figure out how she will find someone to take care of them when Dean and I die. My heart broke for her! Kiana said, "I guess I will just start walking up the road till I find someone." I listed our neighbors and reminded her that Tristan could call someone if that were to happen. "But I don't want you to worry about mom and dad dying," I said. "When your mind wants to think about that kind of thing, I want you to come to me for a hug or sing a song. Sometimes we have to make our brains stop thinking about the things that bother us," I explained. That is a big task for an 8 year old but I knew I needed to give her something that she could do to help herself.

  Sometimes the way looks long but for now we will keep doing our best and leave the rest up to God.

Why My Son Doesn't Play With Your Child

    It is tough parenting a child with hidden special needs, especially when those needs involve brain damage to the extent that it prevents the child from thriving in a typical childhood setting. 

   Ever since our problems with CYS, I battle a paranoia that someone will misinterpret our parenting and report us. After you have been reported once, your trust in fellow man has been broken. As the saying goes, "Trust is something that isn't easily fixed."

  Dean told me to view it this way, "If Joseph had diabetes we wouldn't allow people to give him candy because it could make him very sick. Attention from others interferes with the ongoing attachment struggles Joseph has. Candy could make him physically sick if he had diabetes, attention can make him mentally/emotionally sick because he has attachment problems." That example has helped me keep things in perspective more than once. Putting your arm around Joseph or giving him a hug seems like such a small thing, just as a piece of candy can seem like a small things, but the effects can be devastating.

  Joseph cannot handle very much stimulation before he either melts down or gets into trouble. The other day I was trying to think of an example to explain his disability in this area. This is what I came up with; "Emotionally healthy people have a 5 gallon can of antidote for over stimulation. What we don't use one day can be poured into the next days can, thus allowing us to have a day packed full of activities and not overwhelm our senses. Due to his FASD Joseph has only 2 ounces of this antidote and he needs every drop of those 2 ounces just to make it through each day. Playing with his siblings can take 4 ounces of antidote, attending a party requires at least 3 gallons due to his brain damage. As he has only 2 ounces to begin with, his supply is quickly depleted and his sense's begin shutting down or he goes into an all out rage. Even this wouldn't be so bad, but he needs several gallons of antidote to regain his equilibrium after such an episode. Sadly, since he is already running on empty he doesn't have any reserve. 

   So when you see us keeping Joseph by our side, this is part of the reason why. Children with FASD (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder) usually have good days and bad days meaning, sometimes they can do a certain task and the next day they may not have the mental/physical ability to do the very same thing. Sometimes I can tell Joseph to put his school clothing on and other days I have to lay it out for him, perhaps even dress him because he simply is unable to do so. The more we allow him to become over stimulated, the more bad days he has. Playing on the slide with a group of children may seem like a small matter, but for a child who suffers damage to the part of his brain that regulates his emotions, it may be enough to bring about several "bad days." 

    It is hard to know what is best for Joseph. Do we allow him to participate and have several rough days, or should we keep him calm thus allowing him to enjoy the rest of his week. Thus far the answer has been to do a little of both.


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Working Through Big Feelings

    We have had a busy week thus far beginning with Sunday evening when we attended a birthday party for a friend. As usual Joseph stayed with either Dean or I all evening. He wanted to play on the swing set but there were at least 2 dozen children playing on it and Joseph was already overstimulated from all the noise, food and people so Dean told him he doesn't think that would be a good idea. Joseph was not happy with that answer so Dean told him to look at the playground.

 "What do you see?" he asked. 

 "Lot's of people!" Joseph replied.

"And how do you think you would feel if you went and played with them?"

"I would probably have big feelings and make bad choices!" 
For our children big feelings are usually a combination of emotions but they typically include anxiety, fear and excitement. When a child, particularly Joseph, experiences these emotions his behavior deteriorates.

 "Would Daddy be keeping you safe if he left you play when he knows you would have a hard time making good choices?" 

Joseph shook his head and Dean said from then on Joseph was content to stay by his side because he knew Daddy would protect him. 

Sometimes depending upon Joseph's current ability to function, either Dean or I will stay nearby while he plays. This is because he is much like a newborn who cannot regulate his emotions, he needs us to help him. A baby who is crying, will calm down when mom picks him up and cuddles him because he aligns his emotions to his mom's. Mom is calm, that means I am safe. When Joseph is playing and we are nearby we can see when  his emotions are becoming overwhelming and pull him aside to help him calm down.


   We spent the beginning of the week at the cabin with family (I will share picture on another post) and the change of routine sent the children into an emotional tailspin. I knew it was coming but I was still caught off guard by the intensity of it all. Our children feel safest at home, well at least most of them do, because they know the rules and what is expected of them. Going away from their "safe place" is scary stuff. They aren't aware of it but I am certain it stirs up those feelings of fear and uncertainty they had when they were removed from their biological parents. They know that we are spending a few nights away and will return home, but their little bodies remember the terror they felt as helpless infants and they react accordingly.

  Joseph slept very little while we were gone. It always concerns us when he does that because we know how little it can take for his brain function to be affected. Joseph didn't have his own room with an alarm on the door like he does at home which made him feel unsafe. We installed the alarm to prevent him from roaming the house at night but he is certain the alarm is to prevent people from entering his room while he sleeps. Not having the protection of his alarm played a part in his inability to sleep as he thought he had to stay awake to stay safe. Never mind that mom and dad were directly across the hall and the bedroom doors were open. 

 Irregular mealtime's stirred up memories of hunger and the fear of not being fed reared it's head. Plus there were special snacks around that I usually do not buy and like many children who have experienced hunger and neglect, my little one's could not leave the snacks alone and it upset them when we told them had had enough.

Sometimes I wonder why we bother going away as it just stirs things up but then I remind myself of the good times. The extra time I have to read stories to the children, the meltdown that we conquered, the glow of excitement in the children's eyes when we were packing up to leave, not to mention all the memories we made while we were gone and I always arrive at the same conclusion, it is worth it!

  We always take our children's favorite stuffed animals along when we go away overnight as well as their own sleeping bag. What do you do to alleviate the fear of change?

For tips on helping alleviate anxiety check out: Better Help

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Track & Field And A Dentist Appointment

     The K-2 school trip is now history and Joseph had a good time and Kiana didn't get lost! I am not sure why Kiana was so concerned about getting lost but it was a major source of distress for her. I spoke to her teacher about it when I dropped the children off on the morning of the school trip, her teacher assured me she was already planning to have Kiana in her group of children. We feel so blessed to have teachers who do their best to understand trauma and are willing to work with us to make school feel like a safe place for our children. Joseph bought a flashlight at the souvenir shop. He wasn't home more than ten minutes before he dropped it and it came apart. He was devastated but I told him I was pretty sure daddy could fix it. Sure enough, he was able to put it back together but before he handed it back to Joseph he warned him not to take it apart or he might not be able to fix it the next time. 

   Thursday was Track & Field and the school picnic. Two full days in a row were more than my children could handle. Joseph had more meltdowns in the past two days than in the last month. I have begun wrapping him tightly in a blanket and holding him when he melts down. He is soon calm again and ready to work through whatever upset him. 

Lia had the last of her cavities filled on Thursday. I am so glad to have that behind us! I was worried she would decide she has had enough and refuse to cooperate but I needn't have feared, she did great! When Joseph was her age he sat nicely while the dentist drilled out his cavities but refused to let them fill his teeth. We ended up having to take him to the OR as he had quite a few teeth that needed to be worked on. I was afraid we would have to go that route with Lia, so thankful we didn't have to.

One more week of school and then summer vacation!