Self Care, Healing & Parental PTSD

I have been mulling this post around in my mind for months trying to find the words to explain my struggle without making my children look bad, or making it sound as though I have completely lost my marbles. I hear other mom's share their panic and despair and I wonder why this topic isn't discussed more...the topic of PTSD in parent's, especially the primary caregiver of children with developmental trauma and/or brain damage.

PTSD is a lonely road, especially when your PTSD is caused by your children. Sweet little, (or not so little) children who have everyone wrapped around their finger. Children who have perfected the art of dividing and conquering the adults in their world, children who are so terrified of a relationship with their parents that they will sacrifice the family they have without realizing the cost. It is utterly terrifying to reside in this world. Nothing is sacred, nothing off limits when trauma is the driving force behind a child's behavior. How do you even begin to explain that to someone who hasn't walked this road? Is it even possible for them to fathom the fear that lies just below the surface?

PTSD is tiring. My brain becomes exhausted trying to keep everyone's trauma from bursting out of the carefully guarded fortress of what I perceived as a safe place. If I can keep Trauma under wraps, don't give it an opportunity to escape, perhaps our family will be safe from those outside our walls. My CPS trauma, (and I am working on that) has me terrified of anyone who has the authority to step in and tear down the supports I have so carefully put in place. I know it isn't healthy to monitor my child's every interaction with others, but the cost of not monitoring them is too high, I simply can't risk it. Too many years of too much micromanaging has only served to intensify my PTSD. I thought I was the only one who did this until I talked to other parent's who have been down the road of investigations, false accusations and deeply painful experiences with those who have the authority to remove a child, the very child for whom you have been burning the candle at both ends in hopes of finding help, sacrificing so much in an attempt to help him find healing. Guess what? We are in this together, we are all afraid because we know our children can't grasp the long term repercussions of  a threat made in the height of emotion.

Most of the training I have had up until recently, has focused on being available to your child at all times. When they rage, you must be a soft place for them to land, when they scream they need to hear quiet, gentle words in return, when they destroy things you quietly go about your business and don't make a scene. They need you to be the calm, unflappable adult who can take whatever is thrown at you. Unfortunately many children will simply up the ante until you have to take notice, until you have to intervene for everyone's safety at which time the child will turn on you scraming abuse. What kind of relationship does that bring to mind? In any other situation it would be classed as an abusive one, but when it involves our children with trauma histories it quickly becomes a gray area. After all the child is acting out in the only way he knows how and if they are to learn, then they must have someone model the correct way to react to the curve balls life throws. Unfortunately when trauma/brain damage is in the picture, curve balls can be, at the very least, an hourly occurrence. For some reason we fail to take into consideration that our brains can also be traumatized. Or perhaps that shows the great love we have for our children, we are willing to sacrifice ourselves in order for them to find healing. But I now think that concept is wrong. We have to first take care of ourselves. If you are shaking your head and saying, "I told you so!" I get it, yes I was told this for years, but what no one could explain was how to provide self care and my head was so full with keeping everyone safe that I didn't have the ability to search out self care.

What does it do to a mama's heart when she hears abuse and negativity day in and day out, but every other person the child comes in contact with is blessed with a smile and kind words? It wears away at a body. Some days I can handle it while others I want to sob, "Go find yourself another mom, one you can love and respect, because no matter how hard I try, this relationship is fraught with pain!" Then I feel guilty because what kind of a mom thinks, or even worse, says such things to a hurting child? However, internalizing the pain doesn't help either. I have proof, I tried it for years and eventually my body said, "This has to stop or else." The guilt I feel for having these thoughts adds to the layers of trauma, because I long for my child to be able to rest in our love, I long to see my child thrive.

When you swallow your feelings of pain and reach out to your hurting child, only to have him throw your kindness back in your face, it hurts. The pain becomes a physical thing, takes on a presence all it's own and invade's your relationship with others. As one child recently told me, "Mom, you think everyone in the world is out to get us." That was a wake up call to me because I know what drives that type of thinking;  unresolved trauma. I also know unresolved trauma can make a person do and say thing they never would if they were operating from a place of love and security.

As is typical in traumatic relationships, walls are built to protect hurting hearts from further pain. Our home is full of these walls. I hated them, but as long as I felt like I have to be everything for my children, the walls continued to grow higher and wider still. A therapist finally looked at me point blank and said, "You need boundaries with your children and other people and I am going to hold you accountable." If I am honest, the thought both terrified me and gave me hope because while I hadn't the foggiest clue how to go about setting boundaries, I also saw a glimmer of light at the end of a very dark tunnel. For years all of my trauma training enforced the belief that I must never react negatively when my children lashed out due to their trauma. In order to maintain that level of parenting I shut down because that is the only way one can endure such an intense level of physical and emotional pain for any length of time.

I have been praying that God would show me, lead me, to those who have the ability to help our family heal and as the months have passed He has faithfully provided doctors, therapists, counselors, teachers, friends who while they may not understand are willing to listen, and others who have unknowingly ministered to our family. I have had to release my tightly clenched fists and face my fears that in doing so our family is going to be decimated. If I am honest, letting others in is a deeply traumatizing experience for me, but somehow in the midst of that letting go and facing my fears healing is coming. My PTSD is screaming at me, "This is all a mistake, your worst fears are going to come to life if you don't keep micromanaging!" But I keep reminding myself, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome." How often do we trauma mama's find ourselves on the race track of doing the same thing and hoping against hope that this time it will be different because our training says this method should work?

For me, self care means getting professional help so I can sort through my own inner pain from the past years, setting boundaries (how freeing!!) spending extra time in prayer and connecting with God, acknowledging the hurts in my life rather than trying to squash them, saying no and most of all, building a village of people that I can rely on. That village has been a long time coming, which I mostly take the blame for, but God has brought some amazing people into our lives during this past year and for them we will be forever grateful!

Compassion Fatigue In Special Needs Parenting

This afternoon I came across this Ted Talk: Drowning In Empathy: The Cost Of Vicarious Trauma and a light bulb went on in my brain. See, I have really been struggling here of late. Life just isn't much fun when you haven't felt well for months, you have traumatized children with health issue's for which there don't seem to be answer's and it's December, the month in which our family has one too many trauma triggers.

In her talk, Amy Cunningham explained it this way, "Compassion fatigue is the post traumatic stress disorder related symptoms that you receive vicariously as a secondary target to trauma." Does that ring a bell with any of you who are parenting children with trauma or brain injuries due to substance abuse? It sure did with me! Much of my trauma comes from being the target when my children's trauma overwhelms them and they lash out at the safest thing in their world, mom.

Amy goes on to say that being an empath -having the ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes, and really get it- puts you at an even greater risk for compassion fatigue. Personally, empathy is one of the things that helps me look beyond my child's behavior. 

When my child self sabotage's every fun family activity, putting my self in his shoes and feeling the internal pain he has due to circumstances beyond his control, gives me the ability to view him as a hurting child who is afraid or doesn't believe he is good enough to have a good time...and I can feel empathy versus frustration.

When my child ruins a sibling's birthday gift, empathy allows me to look at why he ruined the gift versus giving consequences.

When my child screams abuse at me for no reason, empathy allows me to remember it is a traumaversary and not to internalize the words. Empathy allows me to hold my child and remember that he lost his first family and he still yearns for the approval of his birth mom. The words he is screaming come from a wound deep inside and while they are directed at me, I must not take them personally.

When my child pours on the charm for anyone outside the family but dishes out rages and put downs the remainder of the time, empathy reminds me that we are her safe place.

As the parent of a child with trauma or brain injuries, you are always on call. You can't say, "I am "compassioned out", I have nothing left to give, no rages today!" Quite honestly, on the days when you feel that way, your child is going to be extra challenging because he senses that his strong rock is wavering. His anxiety is going to skyrocket which will trigger the behavior's, which will mean you have to intervene. Again, and again, and again and as the years pass you will find yourself changing. Things that you were once able to overcome with only a small struggle, will loom larger and larger. 

As you walk through trauma with your children, you may find yourself triggered by their trauma, but as a good parent you will tell yourself that you have to remain strong for your child. If you don't who will? You will see your child going into trauma mode and your stomach will clench, you feel weak and panicked because you know what is coming and you know that even though your heart feels drained of empathy, you are going to need to fake it because without empathy on your part, things are going to go down fast and hard. 

Amy Cunningham shared how burn out and compassion fatigue were once confused. Here is her explanation of how they differ, " Burn out is being worn out and tired, and just flat out not liking your job. Compassion fatigue has to do with being afraid. Compassion fatigue begins to change your hard wiring, change who you are. We see this in Child Protection Workers. They become over vigilant, believing that everyone is out to hurt them and their family." Sound familiar? It sure does to me! The memories of a child sharing their story, a child sobbing until they are breathless because of the pain in their hearts, a child begging you to help them and knowing you are helpless...these memories don't go away. When you love a child, you hurt when they hurt, and our children hurt a lot.

We like to think we will be fine, and can take years of this trauma but as I am finding out, it catches up to us. My doctor told me recently that I got in trouble health wise because, "You were too busy being a mom for too many years." I didn't tell her, but she only knows a fraction of our story. My brain and body had been shouting for years trying to get my attention but I didn't see any alternative. If I am honest, I still don't. Amy says that what many of us do is buckle down and work a little harder. We have this mindset that if I work just a little harder, I can make this trauma go away. That isn't rational thinking, especially in the area of parenting traumatized, brain damaged children. I mean really, we know we can't make the damage go away, but sometimes in our panic we act as though we think by doing more therapy, finding another doctor, finding another RTC, putting up more alarms and camera's...then things will get better.

Another sypmtom of compassion fatigue that Amy mentions is not having enough; not enough resources, not enough thanks. "At the beginning, when you agreed to do ___________ did you know you were going to be under appreciated etc, but did you say, it's okay, I love you enough that I am willing? Then somewhere along the way it was no longer okay. It is no longer okay that I am not thanked, that I don't have what I need to succeed? What that tells me is that your circumstances didn't change, you did." WOW! 

Amy makes mention of the oxygen mask metaphor. Say you are flying with your children and the need to use the masks arises. In order for you to help your children, you need to first put on your own mask. As any parent knows, your instinct is to protect your children before yourself. I remember the other month when Kiana and I were both sick and I needed to see the doctor asap. He said I can take Kiana's appointment and bump her's back a week. I felt so guilty doing so and he reminded me of the oxygen mask metaphor. "If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be here to take care of your children." We like to think that we are super parents and can care for our children before caring for ourselves, because that is what we do, right? But we forget that without putting on our own oxygen mask's, we will be unable to help our children. 

Having said all that, I KNOW I cannot give from an empty vessel, I KNOW I cannot give what I don't have but the fact remains that if I stop, my children will crash and what is life without ones children? So, like so many of you, I find myself giving, struggling a little more each day, but still giving because what is the alternative?

 However, for me, knowing the why behind my struggles gives me a little hope, just enough to get up and try again in the morning. Amy suggest's ten minute's of self care daily to help alleviate compassion fatigue, but personally, once one has gone into full blown compassion fatigue, ten minute's is woefully inadequate. Since we have begun homeschooling, the children go to their rooms to read for at least 1.5 hours every afternoon. I need that quiet time to regroup. Sometimes I feel guilty because what mom needs a break from her children, then I remind myself of the oxygen mask metaphor and use that time time to regain my equilibrium. 

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The Daily Struggle Of Parenting A Child With FASD

    Does anyone else struggle with the intensity of parenting your child with FASD? Maybe it is a personal problem of mine, because I can be floating along providing the structure and support my child needs, and then I get a glimpse into the lives of those who's children do not require mom and dad to constantly be on guard to thwart a meltdown or catastrophic event, and down I go. I can't help but wonder what life would be like if we didn't have to subconsciously be on guard all the time.


Constant Supervision:

He has to ask for permission to use the bathroom -because unless he is in his room, I need to be right by his side or he WILL get into something he shouldn't. 

Ask for permission to flush said toilet -I can quickly forget he is in the bathroom and the longer he is in there, the more things he can and will find to flush down the toilet. On the days when he is dysregulated, I need to check the toilet because who feels like digging unflushable's from a full toilet?!?

Listen to make sure his door latches as he goes back to his bedroom -because he learned if he doesn't latch his door, he can sneak out of said room without my being aware and roam the house.

Check the camera that is in his room multiple times because even though his room is, "Joseph proofed," he can still get into trouble. My biggest fear is that he will accidentally strangle himself because he loves tying things around his neck. And no, he doesn't understand why this is dangerous. He loves strings, rope's etc and even though he is banned from having them, he is sly enough to sneak them into his room without getting caught.

Constant Evaluation:

The three younger children sit around the kitchen table to do their school work. If I need to step out of the room to take a phone call or even use the bathroom, I remind them of our rule, "No talking or communicating while mom is out of the room." Without fail, Joseph will talk or make make motions with his hands to get his sisters attention. When reprimanded, he melts down in tears because, "I was sitting here quietly and you say I was talking!!!" If I tell him I could hear him, he gets a sheepish look on his face and says, "Well, I did talk a little, but it was just a little bit!" There are days when he is accountable and days when his not and I have to constantly evaluate whether or not his brain is functioning well enough to tell the truth.

I can't send him on an errand out of my sight without first thinking, "Is he able to follow directions today?" Next, "Is it safe to let him go down to the basement...what is down there that he might get into? Does he have "sticky fingers" today?" 

As with many people with FASD, he doesn't have a filter on his mouth, what he is thinking comes out, much to the dismay of his siblings (and sometimes his parents). When telling him to sit quietly, we have to take into consideration his ability to actually be quiet. There are days when his mouth runs nonstop, all day long. I often tell him he has to stop talking because my ears are hurting. In actuality it is my brain that is hurting from constantly trying to decipher what it is he is trying to tell me. It is so easy to get frustrated with the continual monologue that flows from his mouth but it is unfair to show that frustration if he really cannot help it. The hard part is figuring out what he can and cannot help.

It is only when I am not responsible for him for a few hours, that I realize the huge amount of brain power that goes into keeping him safe from himself and the world around him. Someone was recently in our home for a visit and commented in an astonished voice, "He takes an incredible amount of supervision!!!" I felt like saying, "This is a good day, you should see him on a bad day." 

Caring for him is alot like parenting a toddler in an 11 year old body.
 A toddler who has no ideas of the dangers in his world. 
A toddler who is tall enough to reach the stove, the counter tops and who thinks child locks were made to dismantle.
A toddler who is too big to grab under one arm and haul out of the way of danger.
A toddler who realizes that other people will give him ten times more freedom than mom and dad, and has no qualms about going behind our backs to attain that freedom.
A toddler who doesn't understand his limitations, but is fully aware that his peers have privileges way beyond what mom and dad allow. His inability to comprehend his world and the gap between what he wants to do and what he is allowed to do, means he blames the very people who are expending a tremendous amount of brain power to keep him safe. 

It often feels like a no win situation and what is even worse, is the realization that while he is growing physically, mentally and emotionally we are only making creeping progress thanks to FASD and a gene mutation. When you know there is no end in sight, when you know things are only going to become more difficult, it is sooo hard to keep your thoughts positive and embrace the life you are called to, Many mornings find me praying for grace, strength and love because I often still feel drained from the previous days escapades.

These FB groups have been invaluable in helping my husband and I understand the intricacies of FASD, as well as providing a place where we can ask question's and share in the humor that only the fellow parent of a child with FASD would find laughable. 

-Parenting FASD Kids

-Flying With Broken Wings

-FASD Caregiver Success

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12 Things Trauma Parents Have In Common

#1. Silence makes you uneasy. You don't think, "Oh good, she is finally happy so I will take a few minutes to read my book," instead you think, "Uh oh, what is she doing now," all the while running through scenario's from self harming to destroying property, or worse.

#2.  You find joy in simple things like your child eating breakfast with a smile on his face. A flower that your child offered as a peace offering after his latest rage. A cheerful, "Yes mom," in response to a command rather than the meltdown for which you were braced. A commendable report from a Sunday School teacher after you hesitantly sent your child to class against your better judgement.

#3.  Reading books and scholarly article's on trauma stimulate your brain, and you can discuss trauma on a professional level from years of therapy and psychiatric appointments.

#4.  Sharing your war stories with fellow trauma parents is refreshing, and challenges you to count your blessings.... or sink into despair because you realize your situation really is as bad as you thought and not a figment of your imagination.

#5.  You know if your child is stable by the pitch of his voice, the way he holds his body, and/or his choice of words and actions.

#6. When you have a family vacation with a minimum of meltdowns and your traumatized child says, "That was fun!" You gain new hope that maybe your child is beginning to heal.

#7. You analyze. When your child has a good day you analyze everything from what you did the day before to what he has eaten in the past week, hoping to find a common denominator so you can repeat the success. When he has had a hard day you do the same thing, hoping to prevent another fall out.

#8. You go into each new psychologist/psychiatrists office ready to go to battle for your child, even though you don't have much hope that this doctor will be any different than the last dozen. You know most of them won't be able to help you, but you keep trying with the hope that maybe this time you will find someone who has the knowledge and desire to help you search for, and access the tools that your child needs to heal.

#9. Screaming doesn't phase you. You know that sometimes your child just needs to scream out his pain and frustration, trying to intervene only complicates things. 

#10. You know how to have smiling eyes. When your child kicks you and yells hateful things, then comes in the door 5 minutes later with a dandelion he picked, "Just for you, mom!" You swallow hard, put on your smiling eyes and accept the gift for what it was meant to be - a peace offering. Later behind closed doors you cry gut wrenching sobs, wash your face, then prepare for the next round.

#11.  Triggers are common knowledge. You and your husband wordlessly divide and conquer when your child faces a trigger. Be it emergency lights, smells, sounds, textures or certain people. When you come in contact with any one of these, one takes care of the traumatized child, the other takes the remaining children. You both unconsciously scan surroundings, people, and situations to locate, and if possible, remove things that you know will trigger your child's trauma. Sometimes you simply remove the child while hoping and praying he comes through unscathed.

#12. Crying with your child is considered progress. One child asked me, "_________ didn't even hurt you, so why are you crying?" When I told her that I hurt when she hurts, she burst into sobs and allowed me to hold her close. When your previously antagonistic child allows you to comfort him, you have one of the most rewarding experiences of trauma parenting.

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An Answer For Those Who Offer Unhelpful Parenting Advice - Trauma Parenting

Recently Oregon Behavior Consultation asked parents with special needs children to share the advice people have given them regarding their child's behavior. They took those comments and made a video entitled, What Not To Say To Parents Of Kids With Challenging Behaviors. It is awesome! I have heard most of the comments in one form or another over the years. Sometimes I can let it roll off my back, other times not so much. 

A comment from this video clarified some things for me. Nate mentions that the reason these comments hurt so badly is because we parents are already trying so hard to do the right thing for our child. I agree with that 100%. The parent of a child with special need's faces huge challenges every day. We constantly second guess ourselves and hope we are doing what is best for our child. We don't always know what is the best response to an action, or even if what we have seen warrants a consequence or grace. Professional's will tell you that there is no cut and dried method of parenting a child with special needs because so many things play into the situation. Things such as trauma, living situation and family relationships to name only a few.

To complicate things, every child is so different, especially when you add in brain challenges, that many days we feel as though we are whirling in circle's, but fear we are never quite meeting anyone's needs. We are doing our best to stay on top of all the pressing demands, but slowly, ever so slowly losing ground. To have someone come in and tell a parent who is nearly sinking that they should just try ___________, is akin to adding a sack of bricks to the already heavy burden they carry.

Thankfully Oregon Behavioral Consultation added a video you can send to family and friends to help them better understand why you appear to be such a strict or easy going parent, depending upon the situation. Here it is: Why DO Kids And Teens Have Challenging Behaviors?

One comment from this video, portrayed what I have a difficult time finding the words to describe: People seem to think their experience with my child is my child's baseline. Exactly! What a brilliant explanation. That, in a nutshell explains what I struggle so hard to help people understand. The child you see is very different from the child I know. The child you see is either on high alert, melting down, oozing with sweetness or ________ to name a few, none of which show my child's true baseline.

The child you see misbehaving, is acting that way for reasons that may not be readily apparent. When in the presence of our immediate family, he presents very differently. This means you are not seeing my child true self. The same goes for the child who presents as super sweet and kind. That isn't my child's true self either, he is putting on a front and manipulating you. This is why our parenting looks inconsistent. We appear to be to lenient with some children, while being too strict with others. The fact is, the behavior you see is not the my child's true behavior. You will only see my child's true self if you live with us and become a permanent member of our family.

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How To Begin Bonding With A Traumatized Toddler

The first months and years of a child's life are critical for building the foundations on which they which they will construct relationships for the remainder of their lives.

When you bring a toddler into your home he may have experienced Prenatal Trauma and will have almost certainly experienced trauma in one form or another during the first months and years of his life. If he hasn't, being removed from the people whom he loves, can easily cause trauma. Trauma is an experience so overwhelming that the brain cannot process what is happening, leaving the individual to suffer from triggers until such a time as he can process the experience. 


Many people erroneously assume that a child who is neglected, abused or has experienced a chaotic home life, will be thankful to be removed from the people who caused, or failed to prevent his suffering. A child depends on those who have neglected/abused him to provide for his basic needs. On one hand he loves/needs these people, on the other hand they hurt him. Imagine how confusing this must be!

If you have adopted or are thinking of adopting a toddler, I highly recommend the book, Toddler Adoption, The Weaver's Craft. In the meantime, here are some things you can do:

- Parent your toddler as you would an infant. You cannot spoil a traumatized toddler by going the extra mile to make sure his need's are met. At this time it is better to err on the side of too much nurture, something that is nearly impossible to do at this stage, rather than thinking, "But what if I spoil him?"

Maslow's Hierarchy Of Needs, show's that as humans, we have a basic level of need's. For various reason's many foster/adopted children have missed several of these steps. In order for a child to mature into a an emotionally, stable individual, he will have to experience each level, in order. This means that when a toddler comes into your home it is vital that you start at the base of the pyramid, then move onto the next level's. I want to note that the second level, that of safety, must include Felt Safety.

- Many toddler's are independent beyond their years due to their need to care for themselves. Sometimes as in our son's case, they also cared for younger siblings. Our son was incredibly independent. He became very upset when we tried to help him with something, so we parented him as one would a well attached toddler; we left him take care of himself. In hindsight that was the not at all what he needed.

- Toddler's who are placed in care or adopted often experience intense rages and meltdowns as the attempt to navigate their new world while trying to make sense of what has happened. Per our caseworker's advice, we put our son in time out. One minute for each year of age. Unknown to us we were only exacerbating his Alarm Of Separation. After we learned about TBRI we began practicing Time In versus time out, with much better result's.

In simple word's NURTURE that child. 

DO: love and nurture him, let him be a baby. Let him have things to soothe him be it a blanket, toy or Nuk.

DON'T: Try to make him act his age. He may be a toddler physically, but deep inside he is still just a baby.

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You Just Need To Discipline That Child! -Trauma Parenting

If you are a trauma parent, chances are you have been called out for inconsistent parenting.

When this happens, I get tongue tied and only later can I think of a logical response. Maybe it is good I can't formulate an immediate reply because I would only get my mouth in trouble

Trauma parenting is not consistent from child to child except in one area; love. All parenting must be done in love, other than that, parenting has to be tailored for each child.

Sadly hindsight is 20/20 so it is only through experience and trial and error that you learn what your child needs.

When we first began parenting traumatized children we quickly learned that you cannot discipline a child until you have his heart. To the outside world, we had our children's hearts and we were doing them a terrible disservice by letting them run over us. At the same time another group of people said, "You are so strict with them, they are children, give them a break!"

Both sides were partly right and both sides were partly wrong. A child who has been through trauma needs to know that his parents have his back. This is something we are still striving for, ten years after our children have come into our home. My children have some behaviors that make people give me that look. The one that says, "He is how old and he still does what?!?" One of my children wets himself for at least a week after he experiences certain stressor's. Is he old enough to know better? Absolutely! Do I punish him? Absolutely not! I know he wets himself because of trauma and trauma cannot be punished out of a child, nor should it be. Trauma is fear, trauma needs reassurance. Instead of reacting as I once would have, I pack extra clothing when we go away and leave it at that.

For those who say we are too strict, I agree that we require our children to toe the line, some more than others. The reason for this is once again, trauma. A traumatized child has a chaotic brain and he needs stability and routine to thrive. He will buck against it, but he needs it. As one mom said, "People say I am a helicopter parent, but I know that is what my child needs."  

Some children with trauma do well in social settings, others do not. I have some of both. One of my children reacts to his trauma the same whether he is at home or away. For this reason he appears ill behaved and we have been encouraged to be firmer with him. What people don't realize is that he falls apart when his siblings aren't melting down. His siblings all suffer from attachment disorder, guess when they put their best foot forward? When we are away, of course! And of course, that is when my other child melts down and gets demanding. We could show this child, "Who is boss," but we know that he is only letting down his guard because the sibling(s) who had spent the day raging and manipulating are finally quiet. You cannot/may not punish a child for that.

Many of our children suffer from brain damage due to the trauma they suffered in utero. This means that any and all discipline or lack there of needs to be taken under the magnifying glass of, why. Why is my child acting like this, what is the driving force behind his behavior. We are all driven by our emotions/experiences but children with trauma are especially prone to view everything through trauma glasses. Parenting children with trauma isn't about making them obey, make good choice's etc. Of course, we as parents desire those things but before any of that can be  accomplished on a daily basis, the child must feel safe, he must feel loved. 

Due to their trauma and/or brain damage, our children mature at a slower rate. This means that the behaviors that make us look like incompetent parents, will continue long past what is deemed socially appropriate. 

Another thing trauma parents come up against is, "You never ask us for advice." That is a legitimate complaint. We trauma parents tend not to ask "traditional parents" for parenting advice. Why? Because of trauma. Until you have lived with trauma, you cannot understand how intertwined your actions and your child's emotional healing become. Our children scrutinize our every movement (watch one of these children sometime) and they weigh those actions against how loved and safe they are feeling at the moment. This means the parents will have their seemingly calm child remain in line of vision while the child who looks like he needs some supervision runs and plays. That looks like inconsistency, but there are things playing into the decisions a trauma parent makes that are not readily apparent to those looking on.

I have been falling into the trap of trying to make my children conform to a certain standard, that of being socially appropriate because I fear what people will think. I know, I know, that is NOT therapeutic parenting! Anyway, Dean pulled me aside and said, "Sandra remember this is trauma, stop worrying about how others view the children. This is about trauma not good parenting or otherwise." I thank God daily for my husband!

*I use the words punish/discipline in this post because while we do not use typically use these forms of correction in the world of trauma parenting, this terminology is what is often used by those trying to understand trauma parents. Instead we use a mode of parenting called TBRI, which is based on trust and Felt Safety.

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When Trauma Derails Your Parenting

When you have a child with trauma, especially complex trauma, you need to be the stable, unshakable adult. When your child is sad he needs you to comfort him, when he is excited he needs you to help him restore calm, when he is overwhelmed he needs you to make his world smaller and assure him you are in control.

That sounds easy and uncomplicated, it is what every mom does, right? It is, but when your child has trauma, there isn't anything easy about it. Your child has to "give" his pain to someone and that someone is usually mom. That means that all the anger he has at his birth parents, all the anger and sorrow he feels about his situation and all the "it's my fault" pain which is usually portrayed as anger is directed at the one person who is also responsible for meeting his needs. Needing mom, while also blaming her for his troubles creates a confusing scenario for the child. 

What we don't often talk about is how confusing this can be for the parents, especially the mom who, as I said before typically bears the brunt of the negative behaviors. 

Mom is usually the one who spends the most time with the child so she is the one who attends therapy appointments, psych consults and specialist appointments. She is the one who needs to build a bond with her child...the one who needs to teach her child how to build relationships so he can go on to have healthy social/emotional relationships with his peers. 

Mom is the one who analyzes each behavior, each response to any given situation. She constantly takes her child's emotional temperature. Is he becoming overstimulated, is he afraid, is he acting in such a manner to manipulate people, is he safe, are the people around him safe? After you parent a traumatized child for a while you become adept at unconsciously taking this temperature and adjusting your child's world accordingly. 

All this is necessary for your child to achieve optimum emotional health but there is a pit that mom can easily fall into, one into which I fell headlong and floundered until my dear friend came to my rescue.

Years of analyzing my children's every act and word so that we can jump on the necessary help, made me see a lion behind every bush. My children subconsciously picked up on my anxiety over what may be hiding behind their actions. This brought about exactly the opposite effect from what we were trying to do...create felt safety.

I sent my friend, who is my mentor in all things trauma, an email detailing what is going on with my child, what I think is the cause and where I fear we are headed. "What do you think is going on?" I asked and as I expected she came through with just what I needed. 

"You need to back off and stop being so invested in your child's emotions," she counseled. Now that may sound counter intuitive to what you know about attachment parenting but I well remember when we had to do just that with Braden. There is a a quote floating around in the trauma world that advises, "You cannot try harder than your child." Meaning that the parents cannot do all the work in building a relationship with their child while he sits by and does nothing. Relationships are a two way street and both parties have to put forth effort.

I knew I was taking my child's actions personally, when she had a bad day, I agonized over why. I tried to figure out what I had done wrong, what I could have done differently and most of all, where would we find the help we needed? Was there help for us, for her? On her good days, I analyzed every action again, trying to figure out what had made the day a success. Deep down though, I was anxious because I knew it wouldn't last so I was waiting for the inevitable fall out.

"You need to step back and give one line responses to the negative behavior, don't invest so much of yourself. See if that doesn't lower your anxiety which in turn will lower her's." Coming from anyone else I would have questioned how this could possibly work but this friend has walked the trauma journey far longer and further than I have and her advice has always been what we needed to hear. So beginning today, we are going to love our child/ren but try to stay out of the crazy trauma cycle so we can be the strong, stable parents they need.

*I refer to mom in this post as the one who bears the brunt of the child's trauma response to make my post less wordy but "primary caregiver" could be used in place of "mom." 

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Parenting Ideals - Then & Now

Back when I knew how to parent I had this idea of what makes a good parent. These are some of the ideals I had...

My children would pick up after themselves. They would never think of leaving wadded up socks, jeans with one leg inside out and smelly towels lying on the bathroom floor. My children would know better than that. I would teach them how to be neat and clean. We wouldn't have to search high and low for a missing Sunday shoe and we would NEVER go to church with anything less than Sunday footwear. 

School papers, consents and incomplete's would be signed and returned promptly. We wouldn't have to find wrinkled, weeks old "need's parents signature" papers in the bottom of a backpack. In fact, our children wouldn't get such things in the first place! 

We would give our children a "voice" and they would in turn listen to us. Don't laugh, we honestly thought that. Then we entered the pre adolescent years and mental health issues smacked that idea so hard it shattered in pieces. Nowadays we daily hone our skills in the "lie detector" department and plead with God to help us know the truth and not cause further damage.

Our children would have daily chores and take pride in a job well done. Do I hear someone laughing?! I feel like the "job police," constantly checking up and making sure things are done correctly. The bedroom floor gets swept but the paper trash is shoved under the bed or dresser. The clean clothing gets put away - all in one drawer rather than in its designated spot. The toys get picked up but everything is thrown into the toy box instead of being put in the correct tote. Table scraps are taken out to the chickens but they might be dumped on the wrong side of the fence rather than inside where the chickens can actually reach them.

Our children would be each others friends. Instead they seem to thrive on destroying any healthy sibling relationships that even dare to begin sprouting. They used to hit, push and shove now they have "graduated" to doing the same thing with their mouths. The 5 year old is able to give her teen age brother a run for his money in that area. Last night we called a family meeting. Dean told the children, "We have a problem in our family, does anyone know what it is?" No one spoke for awhile then Joseph ventured, "We aren't very nice to each other???" You got it, buddy! Although I do have a little hope, during therapy the other week Kiana was speaking of one of her brothers and said, "He likes me in his heart, he just doesn't know it."

The years have changed my goals and redefined what I view as successful parenting. 

I would have once been horrified at some of the things that my children think and say, now I am so thankful they feel safe enough to tell me these things.

I now see bravery, strength and trust when my child hands me a note from the teacher - the kind of note any child would cringe at having to give to his parents.

When my teen age son scoops his little sister up and carries her because her legs are tired, tears prick my eyes. The sideways grin he gives when he senses me watching him reminds me of his dad and I remind myself to cherish the little moments.

When my child with "food issues" gives the last of the cereal to a sibling, I feel those tears again.

When my son who finds life challenging in most every way whispers, "I am going to do my best to be nice to _________," referring to the sister who has been less than kind to him, I feel like maybe some lessons are sticking.

When I receive a hug after a rage that has lasted hours and my child says, "Thanks mom, I love you!" I tend to think I am the most blessed person in the world.

I think I would tell the "me" of 10 years ago that parenting isn't just about teaching your children to work and behave, it is about teaching them empathy, compassion, forgiveness and building a strong character.

Why Trauma Parenting Is So Hard

Is it really true that parenting children with early childhood trauma is harder than "traditional parenting," or are parents just looking for sympathy?

First you have to understand that the building platform is very different for a traumatized child and his/her parent than for a child has never experienced trauma. 

Trauma parenting begins with a deficit. A child comes to you  already mistrusting the world. He has already experienced abuse, neglect and violence. He views you as his enemy, someone he must conquer before you hurt him. 

A child who is welcomed into this world by loving parents and has had his needs met is in a very different place emotionally. If he is removed from his parents, he will still view adults as trustworthy because he has no reason to think other wise.

God created our brains to take in information through our five senses; sight, sound, smell, taste and touch. This information travels along the pathways in our brains and is stored in the correct compartments.  As the part of the brain that responds to love and nurture is used, it grows. The same thing happens when a child is subject to trauma. The part of the brain that registers fear and the fight or flight response is activated. At the same time the child is unable to reach developmental milestones because he/she is spending all their brain power and energy on staying alive. Thus the child slips further and further behind his peers. 

What I described above is an extremely simplified version of what takes place, but it gives you an idea what these children are up against. If you add in the detrimental affects of drugs and alcohol, it is little wonder parents struggle and children rage.

This brain difference is why we must parent our children with early childhood trauma differently than the ones who have not had that experience.

For instance, 9 times out of 10 our children will insist on making choices that are obviously going to hurt them. We explain why doing something will hurt them and walk them through what happens each step of the way only to have them insist on doing things their way. This is a classic lack of trust. They don't trust us, so they do things their way and get hurt, leaving Dean and I to pick up the pieces.

Sometimes we step back and allow them to pick up their own pieces but their brain difference comes into play again. They will deny anything happened, accuse the other party of lying or fly into a rage because they never wanted this to happen. 

When parenting typical children it is wise to let them make their own mistakes from time to time so they can learn how to work through the aftermath of their choice. That doesn't usually work with our children with trauma because they don't learn from their past mistakes. They only think of themselves in the moment. Their fight or flight response is sitting on go and they do not have the mental capacity to think of other people or how blowing the "fix up" will only make the situation worse.

One of our children is having friend troubles. We have told this child time and again that he* will lose his friends if he continues treating them badly. He would cry and rage because he says he wants his friends. We walked him through correct and incorrect responses and he went to school with high ideals. He came home with his head hanging, raging because his classmates aren't kind. We talked, he nodded his head, he realizes he did wrong, no he won't do it again.... guess what? He did it again and again and again.


Another child has a hard time accepting me as mom. In his* mind I am the person standing between him and his mom. If it weren't for me, he could live with his birth mom and everything would be great. We have explained why he cannot be with his mom. I told him if I dropped him off with his mom I would likely go to jail and while he really didn't want that to happen, he made sure I knew it is my fault he has to live here. I have tried all the attachment parenting skills in my bag and none of them make a difference. I fear he is just going to have to learn the hard way that the life out there isn't as glamorous as it looks. When I look on his past decision making skills, I fear for him. Because he has no idea how much being in our home has sheltered him and protected him all he knows is that his problems are all my fault.


This phenomenon is played out daily in our home and I will admit I  become frustrated. "Why don't you learn?" I feel like shouting but I know that will only make the situation worse. The hard part is knowing if the behavior is truly due to brain damage or if the child is just being lazy, sloppy or defiant because it can all look so very much alike.

*he/him is used as a generic term to protect the individual

It's Hard Being A Trauma Mama

One of the hardest things I have had to come to grips with in this journey of trauma parenting is being to one who causes the most pain in my children.

 I know, deep down they love me and it isn't my fault that my being mom brings them sadness. But knowing that doesn't lessen the pain.

When they lose a friend, many times due to their own negative actions, it triggers the abandoned feeling they felt when separated from their bio mom. Guess who took the place of bio mom? Yup, me. Guess who is the recipient of all those big feelings? Me again.

When they read a scary story and dream about it during the night, they come running to me for comfort. Next morning the fear caused by the dream is still very real, but rather than seeking comfort from mom, they react in the way they know best...acting out....against mom. 

When I buy them something, their thoughts go to their birth mom. Receiving things from me is okay but what they really want is for their birth mom to care for them. Guess what happens? They usually come after me spoiling for a fight because they don't understand the conflicted feelings inside.

I get the anger and tears when they have a test coming up, a substitute or even a special celebration at school because change in routine is hard. 

They get upset with me when I tell them it is time to leave a friends house because saying good bye triggers them. In their minds, their big feelings are all my fault.

When I tell them to do something the foot stomps and I hear, "You aren't my mom, I wish I lived with my birth mom!"

They have zero ability to know when enough is enough. I remember getting frustrated with my parents, as every child will do but there was a line that I did not cross. I knew when to back off, my children don't, they scream, run away, slam doors in my face, hit and kick and say anything that comes to their mind. It used to look like a lack of respect but now I know it is trauma that causes these intense reactions. Even knowing that, it is hard not to become discouraged when you face such acting multiple times a day.

The other evening I wailed to Dean, "It is just SO hard being on the receiving end of all this, when all I wanted to do was be their mom and help them!"

When things get to hard God graciously gives me a peek into their hearts and shows me that they really do love me, their pain is just hindering their ability to express it.

I have a chest cold/fever this week. The children's concern was touching, they all prayed for me and asked me several times, "Are you feeling better mom?"

I know their real concern was for themselves, if mom is sick who will take care of me? Will I have food and clothing? If mom is sick, then the world is even scarier.... But rather than dwell on that aspect of their concern I will instead focus on the cards and extra hugs they gave me. Knowing that the fact that they were able to look beyond their fear and offer me comfort means they are healing from their trauma, one teeny step at a time.

Meeting Our Children At Their Level

Earlier this week I had the opportunity to speak with an adoptive parent about some of the things the children who come into our home's via foster care and adoption may face. He made a profound comment, one I have been pondering ever since. He said,

"We must meet the child at their level, too many parents expect the child to come to their level before they can work together." 

Many of the struggles people with FASD and their parents have is due to the caregiver expecting more than their child can give. We have a standard of behavior that we expect everyone to meet and when someone fails to do so, we become frustrated. Before I learned about FASD and attachment disorders, I never thought about the frustration endured by those unable to meet the unspoken rules of society.

In Joseph's eyes everyone is a friend. He knows that he is not supposed to talk to strangers but that didn't stop him from doing just when we were out grocery shopping. For a long time that used to annoy me, why did he always disobey? We would go over the "rules" before going in to the store, he seemed to understand them but without fail he did exactly what I told him not to! I finally realized "don't talk to stranger's" is too complex a command so I broke it down to, "You may not talk to anyone unless mom speaks to them first." Joseph does best as a follower, when all he had to do was follow my lead, he was fine. I had to meet him at his level of understanding.

When B came to live with us, we parented him just like we parented Tristan. We thought all children can "handle" love, we didn't know love can be scary and painful. B cringed when we put a hand on his shoulder and acted out if we praised him. His therapist told me we need to give love in smaller doses to avoid  triggering a reaction. I couldn't thank him for picking up his toys without a rage, so I said to no one in particular, "I am glad I have a boy who picks up his toys," that was still too intense so I backed up even further and said, "Daddy, B picked up his toys today." I said it when he was in the vicinity so he heard me say it but it wasn't directed at him. The poor child was terrified of love. We needed to meet him where he was emotionally even if it was a long way from what we envisioned when we brought him into our home.

Kiana has trust issues which have been multiplied by PANDAS. I look back on all the talks and all the therapeutic parenting we have done and sometimes I am tempted to become frustrated. Why aren't we making more progress, things should be better by now! But I must remember, this is where Kiana is in her healing, I must meet her there and work from that point, not from the place where I think we should be, nor from the place a child who has never endured early childhood trauma would be.

Sometimes as parents, we look at all we have poured into our children and despair when we see how far we have to go but you cannot hurry healing. It will come at it's own time and pace. There are some things that will never be like you envisioned them when you began fostering or adopted a child but creating a child who fits into your family seamlessly, isn't what this is all about. It is about healing, about meeting the child where they are and providing the love, nurture and teaching in ways they can grasp and internalize. It is about a love that may look very different than anything you envisioned when you opened the doors of your heart and home. 

Parenting Accordingly - Life With FASD

Joseph and I are having a tough day partly because I haven't figured out where he is cognitively. Like many afflicted with FASD, Joseph functions at a different level every day. It is our job as his parents to figure out where he is at cognitively and emotionally and parent him accordingly. He has four basic types of day's and we can usually see what kind of day he will have within moments of his waking.

Exceptional Days:  On exceptionally good days, I can give him a job out of my line of vision and know he will be safe. Jobs such as taking the trash to the basement can be dangerous because I cannot see him to redirect him if he would say, see the tote of empty tin cans and decide to play with one. He can go outside with Tristan and help him with his chores or ride his bike. The only hard thing about this kind of day is that Joseph is aware that he has disabilities and he tries hard to relate appropriately with his peers but still falls short.

Good day: On these days, I can give him a command and expect that it will be followed through. On good days, he can play with Lia, dress himself correctly, empty the dishwasher and play with all of his toys at once. He is happy to play house with Lia and has all kinds of ideas of things he could make. He is happiest on these days and we treasure them.

Medium Functioning Days: On these days Joseph needs to be prompted to keep his mind on eating, I may have to help him "find" his clothing and remind him he needs to wear a coat to go outside. He can follow a simple command 50 percent of the time but I need to be sure and follow up with him. I need to give commands in as few words as possible and be ready to counteract a meltdown at any moment. Rages happen on these days but he is able to rebound and come out of them well enough to continue on with his day.

Tough Days: These days aren't easy for anyone. Joseph can't do much of anything without constant redirection. I keep him in line of vision ALL the time. We have to remind him to chew his food, to use a spoon to eat soup and if he has a large water glass we fill it part full and remind him to use two hands. These days are the ones when we see the most rages, Joseph cannot understand his world and he is totally overwhelmed by life in general. His usual favorite pass times frustrate him and we all breathe a sigh of relief when bedtime rolls around.

Then we have days like today where he is all over the place emotionally and physically.  His mouth is nasty but I cannot figure out if it is because he is functioning so well he is aware of his limitations or if he is not able to process what is going on around him, leaving him angry. I am guessing he is anxious about going to school tomorrow after 10 days of vacation but he won't or can't talk. He gets into trouble the moment I turn my back and nothing I suggest is a good idea. He is cross at me because he views me as the source of all his problems. If I would let him do whatever he wants, he would be happy, at least that is his reasoning.

This variation of abilities used to frustrate us. If he can clean his room one day why is he unable to pick up the papers on the floor the next? Sometimes I could tell him to get dressed for school and other days I had to monitor him every step of the way. When we learned this is typical for those with FASD, we adjusted our expectations to his ability and we were thrilled to see his tantrums lessen. We realized he throws most of his tantrums when he is frustrated and overwhelmed with life. Many times when he acts out, it isn't because he won't do something but because he can't. Keeping that in mind makes all the difference for me. 

Here is an awesome link for behavioral symptoms and accommodations for Fetal Alcohol Sprectrum Disorder. Thanks to a friend on one of my support groups for bringing it to my attention.

Felt Safety For Parents

Did you know my last post on Felt Safety applies to parents as well as their traumatized children? Yesterday proved that I rely on felt safety just as much as my children do.
  
   We were getting ready for church, it was 15 minutes before we needed to be out the door and the dam that has been steadily holding back the pain of the past weeks broke. It wasn't pretty, nevertheless I knew I had to go to church because I was scheduled to teach Sunday School. Dean told me to go to bed, assured me I wasn't going crazy and said he will take care of things. There is something about having someone strong and capable to take care of things that is so freeing. Dean decided to stay home as well since he wasn't sure he wanted to have both Lia and Joseph, plus Kiana when they were all worried about mom.

  Of course Kiana panicked because obviously mom wasn't as strong as she thought and maybe it was her fault that mom was sad and maybe I was sick enough to die and ......

Later in the day I sat down with her and we had a little chat. I should have kept track of how many chats we have had in the past years. Anyway, I asked her why she throws fits for mom and not for other people. She immediately had the answer, "Because I know you are strong enough to handle it."

"Well Kiana, mom is kind of the same way, I knew dad was strong enough to take care of you while I rested. If it would have been a school day I would have kept going because I would know I need to take care of you. Just like you sometimes get upset and hold it all in until you are at home."

Kiana nodded and I asked her if she was worried that it was her fault that I wasn't feeling well. She nodded her head, because she knew her behavior has been a bit challenging here of late.

"It wasn't you," I said and went on to explain how my withdrawal makes me feel sick. "That is why mom has been sleeping a lot and why I sometimes feel sad," I concluded.

 I know my withdrawal symptoms trigger my children because in some way or another, my feelings of instability remind them of their life before joining our family. Sometimes it feels as though my children never get a break, their past is always nipping at their heels ready to stir up trouble.

In hindsight, I think we all needed a day at home to recuperate. The children decorated a packaged gingerbread house, Dean played Q's Race To The Top with them, we read and took long naps. Now to conquer Christmas and vacation! Any tips on how to fill the day for children who need routine but cannot handle much stimulation?

Pursuing Peace When You Want To Give Up

This week has been been rough, really rough. There were several things that played into it, I am coming out of several weeks of a nasty withdrawal which always leaves me feeling emotional, Christmas is coming which is hard for Joseph and Kiana finished her amoxicillin which we thought wasn't helping but in hind sight we now see it was knocking the edge off  her symptoms. 

You know, it is easy to say things like:
-"Tomorrow will be better"
-"Everyone has something they have to work through"
-"God will help you"
-"Take one minute at a time"
-"Be glad you don't have XYZ like so and so does, you wouldn't want that either."

But when you honestly don't know if you can make it through another hour, those things aren't very helpful. You need tangible evidence, you need help, you need something to give, you need hope.

When you are beaten down and weary and your child goes into another rage leaving her siblings covering their ears and running for cover, tomorrow doesn't really matter. It is getting through today that is the problem.

When the phone rings several times during the day because your children are melting down at school and you don't know what to do anymore than the teacher but you know you must do something, it is easy to feel discouraged.

When you are desperate for help and the doctor says, "Try therapy," and you know she doesn't know what else to do, it is easy to feel frustrated. You know that while the doctor can tell you there isn't anything more she can do, you are still stuck with trying to find help.

I told Dean that perhaps we should pack up and go somewhere remote until mid January. Hopefully I will be feeling better by then, and Christmas will be past so my children will no longer be over stimulated. He replied, "When do we leave?" 

This morning someone on one of my support groups posted the question, "What do you do when you can't do this anymore?" Someone shared the following poem:

DON'T QUIT

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you are trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low, and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit -
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer, with it's twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a fellow turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow
Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man;
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the winners cup;
And he learned to late when the night came down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out -
The silver tint in the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It might be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when your hardest hit -
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

-author unknown

And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not. Galatians 6:9

And Jesus looking upon them saith, With man it is impossible, but not with God: for with God all things are possible. Mark 10:27 

Recently someone encouraged us to pursue peace. As of this morning I am going to stop trying to make thing better. I know that at this point in life, things probably won't get better at least not for a long time. Instead, we will pursue peace. Peace in our home - would that include no rages :) - and peace in our hearts because without that inner peace we truly are without hope.