Battling Mom Guilt When Parenting Children With Early Childhood Trauma

Mom guilt, we are all familiar with the pressure's we take on from what society says makes a, "good mom." I have several children who, due to early childhood trauma and other life shaping experiences, seem to have a knack for making me look and feel like a bad mom. All the usual, "good mom" things cause my children to rise up like a wild animal caught in a trap. Make them their favorite pancakes and they, accidently on purpose, pour the whole bottle of syrup onto their pancakes. I won't go into the why's and wherefore's of these actions, those of you walking the journey are already familiar with them and don't need to waste your time reading another explanation. Buy your son a new coat, and suddenly it is no longer cool to be seen wearing a coat in public. He would rather stand in the cold and shiver, and you were trying to be a good mom by buying him that coat! You thought for once you could do something to make him happy. This behaviour plays havoc with our minds because society is saying in order to be a good mom, you need to spend time with your child, you need to buy them nice, acceptable clothing, you need to show them how much you love them so they will love you back, if you let them fight their own battles they will feel abandoned. The list is long and can flip flop at a moments notice.

Those of us who have children with early childhood trauma and/or prenatal exposure can find ourselves in a bind. Doing all the good mom stuff, drives your child away. They fight it tooth and nail and the kind social worker comes and says, "Here is the latest psychology book, I am sure it will give you some tips." You read it, follow the suggestions, and your child becomes even worse. Social Worker says, "Maybe you aren't trying hard enough. If you would consistently follow the guidelines in the book, I am sure they would work." And guess what comes creeping in? Mom guilt. "I must be a bad mom if I can't make my child behave using this book. After all, the author is a well known child pyschologist. 

Your friend drops by on her way home from her latest shopping trip and shows you the new shoes she bought for her son. "I find if I buy expensive, brand name shoes my son takes better care of them," she says. You remember the shoes you bought for your son, brand name at that, and in your minds eye you can see the bits of rubber hanging from the soles. He always shreds his shoes, due to his sensory processing disorder, now you buy him $15 tennis shoes...and you feel guilty. Because maybe, somehow it is your fault that he ruins every pair of shoes you buy.

Your sister tells how you she stopped by the school and ate lunch with her daughter. "She was so pleased and excited to see me. It was a great way to build our relationship!" Your sister goes on to tell how neat it was to chat with her daughter's friends and the play date they have planned. Your sister turns to you and whispers, "You should try it sometime, I am sure your daughter would be thrilled, it would make her feels so special!" Your heart drops because your daughter cannot handle having mom drop by her school for lunch. She is still battling the loss of her birth mom and views you as the fake who is trying to take that spot in her heart.

These are just a few of the myriad ways in which we tend to take on guilt. We look at where our children are socially and emotionally, we see their peers pulling ahead and feel that somehow it must be our fault. Deep inside, we know better - after all, we understand brain damage, attachment disorders, how prenantal exposure wreaks havoc with the developing brain - but somehow, we still feel that we are to blame. As I was pondering this today, the words of a counselor came to mind, "Love your child in the way they need to be loved." For me, this quote brought great freedom. 

If my child needs to go to bed earlier than the rest of the family in order to be at his best the next day. Is it loving for me to keep him up until his siblings go to bed, just because they are younger than him?

If my son needs an alarm on his door to deter him from roaming the house, is it loving to say, "None of the other children have an alarm, it isn't fair that he should." Or is it more loving to put the alarm on his door and keep him safe?

One child shuts down if I confront her. Society says, "Teach her who is boss!" Is it more loving to be brash and demanding, or to hold her and coach her through the drama of wearing socks for school?

Parenting "our children" requires laying aside what society, or friends and family, may deem appropriate and doing what is best for our children. Sometimes, "doing what is best," looks an awful lot like being a passive mom, sometimes it means standing up to your child and not allowing him to triangulate the adults in the room, sometimes it means holding her during a church service even though she is almost to big to fit on your lap.

So if you sent your child to school in holey sweat pants and a top that has seen better days, because that is the only outfit he will wear, remind your self that he is warm, he is clean and best of all, he is comfortable, because the clothing doesn't scratch. Plus he feels safe because you didn't get upset with him about wearing less than acceptable clothing.

If you sent your daughter to school with foods that you feel are less than nutritious, but they are the only foods she will eat, remember, at least she is fed. You can fight the battle another day. Today you sent her off with a hug and a kiss. Her emotional health is as important as her physical health.

If your teen went out the door with uncombed hair and no breakfast because he wouldn't get up on time, congratulations, at least he made it to school.

Sometimes being a good mom, means doing the things that society tells you is bad parenting. Rather than give in to the monster of self condemnation remind yourself, "I am the mom, I know my child better than anyone out there. I will do what I can to help my child lead a successful life, but at the end of the day, it is his choice whether he will accept the help I offer." As my husband reminded me recently when I was frustrated with a child who refused my help and as a result was failing badly, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink!" 

Go forth and be the mom you know your child needs, not the mom society says your child needs!

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When A Special Needs Parent Fall's Into A Hole

I had to chuckle a little when I saw this quote come up in my FB feed. I think it accurately describes what we special needs parents feel at times. Our lives are so complex and so confusing that those who haven't walked this road must wonder at us sometimes! 

Even as I chuckled, I had to admit it was 100% spot on. For many of us, our children's disabilities are hidden and no one knows what goes on inside the walls of our homes. Explaining a complex, invisible disability is hard. I often find myself lacking the words to adequately convey my child's needs and end up sounding like an over protective mom.

As you all know, taking a day off work won't fix the problem, it might not even help the problem. If you could take ten years off and still receive a paycheck so you could be with you child 24/7 you would most certainly make some progress.

Doctor's are a necessary part of this journey but too many of them don't have the time to spend individually with their patients to really learn what is happening. It is much easier to prescribe a medication, send the child home and have the parent call if there are problems. And trust me, our prenatally exposed children are so complex that there will be problems. The parent has to decide if they are giving the medication a fair trial, if the child is reacting to the medication,  if it is due to a previously unknown trauma trigger, or could it be that this new med doesn't mix with the other medications he is taking? The doctor may have answers or he may not. Prenatal alcohol exposure means our child's brain may react in any one of a hundred unusual ways. Then there are the new behaviors that pop up and you have to figure out if the new medication is causing it, or has the medication helped relax the child enough that he is able to expose another layer of trauma? Other doctor's take one look at the child and say, "He is fine, you just need to be firmer with him." Still others say, "He is too young to be exhibiting these symptoms, are you sure that is what is happening? Perhaps you are only imagining things?" There was a time we had so many doctors, therapists and medications on board that things were absolute chaos. We ended up eliminating them one by one and starting back at ground zero to try to make sense of things. It would have been so nice to have a professional who truly understood our child(ren) and would have sorted out the mess, but unfortunately there wasn't anyone with those credentials who could help us as we didn't meet certain criteria and/or hadn't gone up the necessary rungs of the ladder in the correct order so we didn't apply.

Behavioral services are rife with loophole's. You think you have your I's dotted and your T's crossed only to find out that they can't help you due to budget cut's, time constraint's, age, diagnosis etc. etc. It is maddening to fill out reams of paperwork only to discover you have once more reached a dead end. They push you off to another department or another colleague and, I suspect, breathe a sigh of relief that you are no longer their problem.

Nobody has money for the services our children need, I admit their diagnosis cause them to be a bottomless bucket of needs. It isn't their fault, they didn't ask for this, but the fact remains this is the reality the child/parents face. The supports, schooling and therapies our children need are astronomically expensive, leaving family struggling. Parents see how certain things could help their child, but can't afford them. 

There are always charities who help with such expenses, but there are more needs than charities. Applying for charity aid requires more paperwork. More explaining, more defending and more questions until you wonder if it is worth it, beside's there is little hope that you will actually receive the help you need because there are thousand's of people applying for aid.

I have found that knowledge of the prevalence of FASD is still new enough that there aren't as many services available. If my son had autism we would be able to access many services that are currently beyond our grasp due to his diagnosis. 

Then come your friends who get it without you having to explain a thing. When you simply say, "It's been rough today," they smile, give you a hug and reply, "I understand," and drop what they are doing to help you out. And it means so much because you know that their plate is every bit as full as your own. Having friends and family who care is vital in providing the courage to get up, dry your eyes and try again.

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*I couldn't find who wrote the above quote, but if anyone knows contact me and I will give credit to whom it is due.

When Your Child's Trauma Causes Parental PTSD

Trauma. What comes to mind when you hear that word? In the world of adoption, we automatically tend to think separation from birth parents, neglect, possibly abuse, and a loss of what is known and familiar.

There is more and more information and awareness being spread about this topic, but we don't hear as much about what trauma does to a family. This is probably due to the guilt factor felt by many of us who parent a child with early child hood trauma. We think, "My child has lost so much, how dare we complain about how his trauma affects us???" If you are like me, you bottle it up. You know it isn't healthy to do so, but what are the options, especially when the layers of trauma are deep and complex.

We, like many families who began fostering before there was much training on attachment and how trauma affects a child, felt that love and supplying a child's physical needs was all that was needed for said child to grow up to be an emotionally, stable individual. Thinking back on our training, I am sure we touched on this topic although it certainly wasn't front and foremost as it should have been. Instead, we learned how various drugs affect the body and how an individual who is using them, may present. We learned how to prepare our homes to pass the safety inspections, how to fill out monthly reports and that type of thing. We didn't learn what to do if a child refused to eat for days because he was mad at mom. We didn't learn how to care for a child who screamed all day, every day, nor did we learn about building an attachment with a child who had experienced the loss of all he held dear, or worse yet, never learned to attach to anyone.

With that huge gap in our training (and I am not blaming the caseworkers, they had little more training than we did) we became foster parents to children who had been exposed to drugs and alcohol, children who had been neglected, babies who had soda in their bottles rather than nourishing formula. We had children who didn't feel pain, children who didn't recognize their birth parents even though they supposedly lived with them. We had children who rocked themselves to sleep, banged their heads on the floor and ate dog food at every opportunity...and we tried parenting them in the same manner as we did our biological son. It didn't work. Time outs didn't work, ignoring the negative behavior while praising the behavior we wanted to see didn't work, we tried every type of parenting in the book, nothing worked.

Our toddlers became preschoolers and the behaviors only intensified. We added lying, stealing and manipulating to the mix and as they grew and became school age, their behaviors only became more complex. We learned about therapeutic parenting but that only brought minimal changes. We tried therapy, but had little success. 

Our children were coping in the only way they knew how,  which was by striving to be at the top of the pack by what ever means necessary. It is called survival. Someone who is struggling to survive is not worried about relationships, he isn't thinking about how his choices affect the future, he is thinking one thing only: stay alive no matter the cost to self, or anyone else. I think we have a tendency to forget that even though our child has been with us _____ years, until they heal from their past trauma's and can truly feel safe in our home, they remain in survival mode. Several of our children have been with us for nearly a decade and they still struggle in this area.

Using traditional parenting methods with children who have experienced foundational trauma, for many reasons, only intensifies the behaviors. We have a child who struggles to stay dry, consequences are not going to help her because we know it is rooted in trauma (although I have yet to figure out exactly how, although we do know traumaversaries intensify the problem). Disciplining a child for a behavior they cannot help, does not promote bonding. Another child struggled with sticky finger's, we finally realized that we had to be proactive and check pockets, shoes etc after we had been away from home because this child truly wasn't getting that taking things was wrong. He saw it and his survival brain said, "Take it." Unfortunately, it took us years of trial and error to realize that we need a different approach and the rage and irrationality that resulted from our unsuccessful methods added another layer of trauma to our family. The child who took things, just became sneakier, we became less trustful and things snowballed.

Many of our children battle mental health issue's due to their trauma. While medication's can be very useful and even absolutely necessary, they can also have undesirable side affects behavior wise that add still more trauma. These behaviors often feel as though they are directed at you, the parent, and if you respond in the wrong way it can easily cause yet another layer of trauma.

 Our children feel safest with us, even though it certainly doesn't feel that way most days. We all let our "big feelings" out with those we know will love and support us through our worst moments. This means your child may present well in public but be a handful, to put it mildly, at home. We have one child who is a master at putting on a good front. People tell me how well this child is doing and I think, "You have no idea have no idea how much effort my child is putting forth to appear put together, the meltdown's and drama are going to be tenfold in the coming days." It's enough to make me want to crawl into a hole or become a permanent hermit. The well meant comments made in my child's hearing compound her trauma as well as mine. She knows she is presenting as someone she is not, while I remember how another child's similar actions helped lead to a CPS investigation. And guess what we get? More trauma.

Eventually we as parents develop secondary PTSD because we become traumatized by our children's trauma reactions. We dread waking them in the morning because we know we will be yelled at and have abuse heaped upon our heads. If we do something nice for our child, the behaviors will intensify tenfold..so we back off, then feel guilty for steeping back from our child when their negative behavior is clearly showing they need us. But trying to build a bond means that we are subjecting ourselves to more negativity and we begin to feel resentful. Therapist's have told me time and again, "Separate the child from his actions. Love the child but not the actions." I have yet to figure out how one does that while actively building a relationship. 

Self care is a buzzword we hear about everywhere, but when you have children with severe developmental trauma/attachment disorders it is tough. I think you need to begin practicing self care when a traumatized child is placed in your home, not when the child has been with you for years and you are hanging onto your sanity by the skin of your teeth and know that any self care on your part is going to come with a price tag, behavior wise from your child, that you simply do not have the mental and emotional stamina to pay. 

You see yourself becoming a person you never intended to be. You see bitterness, pain, grief, loss, irrational responses, fear and pain. In fact, if it were possible to look into a mirror you would see you too are a victim of trauma. You are bound by the same trauma reactions that have your child reacting negatively to everything and everyone that crosses his path.

And then there are the siblings, "What doesn't break us makes us better," according to one quote, but the stakes are high when there is constant backlash from the siblings who's very existence is built on trauma. Siblings build walls and fight battles in order to protect what they love and hold dear, but trauma knows no bounds causing further erosion in already shaky relationships. Sometimes I look at my family and shake my head in wonder that we are still standing, other times I shake it in despair because the reality is, while we have made progress, we have a loooong way to go and I wonder, "Will we make it?"

Thankfully, there is more training becoming available all the time for both parents and therapists. Training that can help children heal, training that can prevent parents from using wrong methods which only cause more trauma for everyone involved. To all you parents in the trenches of parenting a child, who for whatever reason is making your life difficult, hang in there you aren't alone! Having other parents who understand that I don't hate my child when I vent my, "Big feelings," has been a life saver. Knowing if I call a friend in tears, she will assure me that I am not a failure, that the mistakes I made are redeemable and not all is lost, is such a blessing. Knowing she will sit and listen and not judge or condemn because she too has walked this path and knows it isn't as easy as giving another consequence or standing my ground, gives me the strength to get up and try again. 

" Alone we are strong, together we are stronger"

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When Mom's Brain Is MIA -Living With FASD

My blog posts have been few and far between these last months. I was dealing with health problems that had doctor's stumped. I reacted to medication's, spent days with no energy, and as the days and weeks wore on, felt a depression settle over me because no one could help me. As the days passed I was less and less in tune with the world around me... and the children felt it.

Having a mom who's brain was MIA, triggered trauma's that hadn't raised their head in a long time. Everyone know's that trauma can hinder a child's ability to self regulate, but it wasn't until I was floating adrift myself, that I realized how much my children rely on me. As much as I tried to appear strong and in control on the outside, I couldn't hide how torn up I was. For the past ten years, we have worked closely together to overcome the trauma that was doing it's best to undermine the foundation of trust we struggled to lay down and keep in place. That close interaction is absolutely necessary when healing from trauma, but it also means mom can't hide behind a fake smile. My children can read me like a book and even though I reassured them that I was okay, deep inside they knew I wasn't and it shook them to the core.

Old trauma's that I had forgotten about, came back with a vengeance. We had wet spot's on the sofa, eating, eating, and eating to drown the feelings of panic, meltdowns, the lying was through the roof and oh, the tears and manipulation! I pleaded with God for answer's to my health problems, if not for my sake, then for my children's. Dean and I carefully guard the foundation of trust that is being built between us and our children. The little bit of trust we have gained is so precious to us, that we go to great length's to preserve it. Knowing it only takes a few minute's to undermine that foundation,makes us all the more cautious. But here we were, weeks into this ordeal and losing out more each day. I was desperate!

How do you reassure a child who has personal experience with mom leaving? I have been here as mom for ten years, but that doesn't mean I will be here tomorrow. This child guards her heart closely, it was hurt once, and she won't risk having it hurt again. We have been making some progress, but having mom sick did a great deal of damage to the fragile trust that was beginning to form. Someone said, "How she loves you!" It is true she does, but deep underneath where no one but mom and dad could see, was FEAR! And it was driving her to try desperate measure's. 

How does a child who has zero self regulation keep from falling apart when his stabilizing force is no longer there? The answer is simple: he doesn't. Poor Joseph spent more time getting lost in our house, losing his possession's, getting into trouble and hurting himself than he has in a long time. It seemed as though his brain literally couldn't function when he was no longer grounded.

How does a child who is facing the real (to him)  fear of losing another mom react? He become's angry, he starts testing you, he pulls away emotionally. When mom is sick, it is very easy to pull away as well because who has the energy for this kind of drama when you aren't feeling well?

The coming weeks are going to be challenging because a lot of behaviors and attitude's were left slide. Fear gained a foot hold in my children's minds and it isn't going to be easy to send him packing. I would love to hear how you regroup when stability has been rocked, when attachment has been challenged, when fears that were laid to rest rise again. I have to be very careful because just as my children react to a lack of structure, too much "bonding" scares them just as badly.

Here is a quote that sums up how scattered one child felt: "Where am I? I went back and I was right, but now I can't find where I am." 


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From The Inside Looking Out - When FASD Is Hard To Explain -Living With FASD

I have recently begun following Beating Trauma With Elisabeth Corey  and love her many thought provoking posts and comments. If you are a victim of trauma. or parenting children with trauma, I urge you to check out her FB page. She works with adults, but her writings offer insight into why our children struggle in particular area's. As I have said before; FASD is a form of trauma due to both the prenatal exposure the child endured, and going through life with this particular form of brain damage is an open invitation for further trauma to occur.

When I feel frustrated with someone who obviously does not get Joseph's disability and through their interaction with him, are compounding the problem, I try to place myself in their shoes. What must the situation look like to them? Here is a child who's parents have obviously placed severe boundaries in his life, they also monitor his speech and actions,while insist on being by his side at all times. For all intents and purposes, the parents appear to be both coddling him while not allowing him to have a social life. When someone comes to me in what feels to me like a defensive manner, and begins questioning our parenting of Joseph, I am slowly learning that they won't be able to understand no matter how much I explain and I must remember that, "From the outside looking in, it is hard to understand."

The flip side is when you are on the inside looking out and you know if you could help people understand that you aren't being mean to your child, nor are you coddling him, you would have a great deal less stress. If only they could understand that you are merely providing the supports and boundaries he needs to both thrive and survive, and that if it were at all possible you would be only to happy to let up on them. I don't think you can explain how draining it is to keep a constant eye on your child, to think of the 101 things he could get into even though you have been super vigilant. Joseph has the uncanny ability to get into trouble or hurt himself, even when he is in line of vision. It is due in part to his lack of cause and effect, along with dysmaturity which means that while he is the size of a 10 year old, he is developmentally between the ages of 3-5. He is tall enough to reach the counter tops, the stove etc. but he can't be trusted not to turn on the stove or taste a mouthful of spices. 

How do you explain that while my son can speak fairly intelligently on certain subjects, he has no idea if a topic is appropriate, nor when it is time to discontinue the discussion. He will talk to you about any given subject for as long as you listen. The more you engage him, the more he talks and the bigger the fall out will be. How do you explain that interacting with my child causes him to become hyper vigilant without sounding like an over protective, paranoid parent? The brain power needed for each interaction, rapidly uses up the meager store he has on any given day. This means he won't have enough brain power to regulate his emotions, follow instructions, or even enjoy the remainder of his day. When he becomes over stimulated, his cortisol goes through the roof and he is unable to relax enough to sleep, resulting in still more tears. 

How do you explain the grief you feel when you see your child mourning his inability to interact with his peers? I often hear, "But ____________ is 10 and he can ___________, so why can't I?" He cannot understand that he has a disability, he only knows that others his age have privileges that are light years beyond what he can enjoy. 

And then there is the guilt that you have to work through in order to be the parent your child needs. 

You feel guilty for getting frustrated with his ceaseless chatter about nonsense. 

You feel guilty for resenting this disability that has turned life as you knew it on it's head and will continue to be foremost in any family decisions in the future. 

You feel guilty for getting frustrated with your child, because sometimes that stress presents itself in ways that make you wonder who you have become.

You feel guilty for insisting that your child have a small life even though it is in his best interest, because you know keeping his world small, means he is easier to care for.

All these reasons, plus a host of others make it incredibly difficult to explain what it is like to parent a child with FASD and from the inside looking out, it would make all the difference if only you could. 

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Grief Is Love With No Place To Go - Living With Trauma

Someone shared this with our support group and I fell in love with it. I thought it perfectly sums up what it is like to parent children who cannot or doesn't want to be parented. 

When you adopt a child, you don't do so thinking, "Someday my child may be hurting so badly due to past trauma, that he will do his best to destroy our family."

You fully intend to love and care for him. To meet all his needs as well as supply some of his wants, just to see him smile.

You wanted to hug him close, tuck him in at night and hear him whisper, "Good night."

You dreamed of spending one on one time with him. Of building your relationship, and teaching him about Jesus.

You looked forward to passing on the treasure's you saved from your childhood. Watching him play with your old toys would be such a joy.

You wanted to shower him with love and affection, because that is what being a parent is all about.

You never dreamed that your child might not be able to handle a close relationship with you. That he might not trust you, even after he has been in your home for 10 years and always had his needs met. You didn't know some children have been hurt so badly in their short lifetime that they may not be able to function in a family setting. Who knew that some children feel safest when they are inflicting pain on others because it gives them a sense of control?

Because you love your child, you refrain from hugs, knowing that he fears physical touch.

You watch from afar as a stranger meets your child's needs because you couldn't keep him safe in your home. 

You listen as your child tells a stranger his deepest wishes because in his mind a stranger is safer than his own parents.

You watch your child make poor choices and long to help him get on the right path, but he wants nothing to do with you. 

You cry as he gets into trouble yet again, knowing the hard road he has ahead of him.

And you feel grief. Heart wrenching grief. Grief hurts. It rips deep into your heart until it feels like physical pain. As you analyze your hurt, you come to realize that what you are really feeling is loss...the loss of an opportunity to love your child in the way you always dreamed.

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When Trauma Invades Your Home

How many of you have in a moment of deep pain cried out to God and said, "I wanted to adopt. I knew that it wouldn't be easy, but I didn't know it would be this hard!!!!" 

You wanted to fill a need, not become part of the deep vacuum  trauma so often creates in a family! Especially when a family is unprepared for the depth of trauma. 

We, like so many other's, thought our children with trauma would cross the bridge to us and welcome our love and the sense of safety and protection we could provide. What happened instead was, we crossed over to the trauma side and became victims along with our child(ren).

Your home, once a place of safety and stability, becomes a war zone. Your trauma child learned to be hyper vigilant to protect himself in his previous home, and now you and your family have somehow taken up this same skill. This means that there is always a feeling of tension in the air. Everyone knows how fragile the sense of peace can be. In fact, you almost dread that feeling of calmness because when it is present, you know things are going to fall apart spectacularly.

Children with a trauma history learn to manipulate other's at a very young age. When they come into your home and are treated with love and respect, they don't soak up that affection, then pour it out on others like an emotionally healthy person would. No, they rely on the life lesson's the stood them in good stead up until this time. Lesson's that have been so painful that they have learned them well the first time.

These lesson's include: 

-Hurt other's before they can hurt you

-No one care's about me

-I am no good

-No one will ever love me

A child with this kind of mind set is a challenge to reach. They will push you away at every turn. They will do their best to hurt you because they just know you are going to hurt them. If you aren't careful your relationship with your child quickly becomes one of toxic pain and stress, nowhere near what you desire for him.

When your child has brain challenges in addition to trauma, progress can quickly begin to feel nonexistent. He cannot understand why he feels the things he does. He doesn't trust you and his brain damage prevents him from implementing the therapeutic technique's that would possibly help another child. 

There are day's when I fear our child will become a teen with a preschoolers understanding of socially appropriate behavior and moral standards. You may already be walking this road, instead of only glimpsing it in the future, and you know how very hard it is.

Sometimes when I am at the end of myself, and know my child needs me to intervene to prevent further damage to his fragile psych, I find myself uttering the wordless plea of trauma parents everywhere, "God, I can't. You must somehow step in and help us because I don't know what to do." He doesn't always provide an immediate answer, but he does always provide the grace to make it through one more day. 

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You Are Not Required To Set Yourself On Fire To Keep Other People Warm - Trauma Parenting

Parenting is hard work. Looking after all the little details can make even the staunchest brain fizzle and sputter. When you add mental health issue's, trauma and brain challenges into the mix, things become even more complicated.

It is hard to feel as though you are a good parent when:

 - Due to developmental disabilities your child cannot associate with his peer's and as a result, spends his days feeling crushed and inferior. 

- Your child chronically lies to cope with the complexities of his world.

-  When because of past trauma, your child react's negatively to the love and nurture you long to pour upon him. To complicate matters, your child cannot, and will not, heal until he can accept nurture.

- When trauma has wired your child's brain to lash out at anyone who attempts to get close to him. As a result he is terrified to acknowledge that he cannot take care of himself. This means he spends his life feeling miserable and making his family miserable, because he is too scared to accept the help he needs.

- When screaming, raging, and destroying things are your child's primary language when he is faced with difficulties. He may scream because he can't find the milk, because his sock's "feel funny," because he doesn't know what he wants to eat for snack, or because life is simply overwhelming at the moment. When you have multiple children who react in this manner, remaining cheerful and upbeat can be a daunting task!

- When you don't know if your child truly doesn't understand your question or if he is "playing dumb" because he is feeling ornery and doesn't want to cooperate with you. "Parenting a child with attachment disorder feels like driving in the dark."

- When your child presents as a cheerful, well adjusted child outside the home, but is anything but behind closed doors.

- When your child feels the need to manipulate every interaction with you in order to control the relationship.

These things are just a sampling of what a trauma family may face in a day's time. Trying to meet our children's needs without taking on their trauma is tough. Don't ask me how one accomplishes this because I struggle in this area daily. 

This quote has helped me put things into perspective: "You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm." 

To often I feel like I have to do everything in my power, even if it means I am depleting my own resources, to ensure that my child has the chance to succeed. While this is necessary to a certain extent, I need to continually remind myself that if I burn out I will be unable to help my child. "You cannot pour from an empty vessel, neither can you nurture your hurting child when you aren't practicing self care."

So if you are parenting brain challenged children and feel like you never quite reach around; like you never quite reach your child's heart, remember to take care of yourself. This feels counter intuitive, but I am slowly learning that when I take care of myself I find it easier to meet my child's needs without joining in their trauma.

In conclusion:
"Occasionally, weep deeply, over the life you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Then wash your face. trust God. And embrace the life you have." - John Piper

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How To Begin Bonding With A Traumatized Toddler

The first months and years of a child's life are critical for building the foundations on which they which they will construct relationships for the remainder of their lives.

When you bring a toddler into your home he may have experienced Prenatal Trauma and will have almost certainly experienced trauma in one form or another during the first months and years of his life. If he hasn't, being removed from the people whom he loves, can easily cause trauma. Trauma is an experience so overwhelming that the brain cannot process what is happening, leaving the individual to suffer from triggers until such a time as he can process the experience. 


Many people erroneously assume that a child who is neglected, abused or has experienced a chaotic home life, will be thankful to be removed from the people who caused, or failed to prevent his suffering. A child depends on those who have neglected/abused him to provide for his basic needs. On one hand he loves/needs these people, on the other hand they hurt him. Imagine how confusing this must be!

If you have adopted or are thinking of adopting a toddler, I highly recommend the book, Toddler Adoption, The Weaver's Craft. In the meantime, here are some things you can do:

- Parent your toddler as you would an infant. You cannot spoil a traumatized toddler by going the extra mile to make sure his need's are met. At this time it is better to err on the side of too much nurture, something that is nearly impossible to do at this stage, rather than thinking, "But what if I spoil him?"

Maslow's Hierarchy Of Needs, show's that as humans, we have a basic level of need's. For various reason's many foster/adopted children have missed several of these steps. In order for a child to mature into a an emotionally, stable individual, he will have to experience each level, in order. This means that when a toddler comes into your home it is vital that you start at the base of the pyramid, then move onto the next level's. I want to note that the second level, that of safety, must include Felt Safety.

- Many toddler's are independent beyond their years due to their need to care for themselves. Sometimes as in our son's case, they also cared for younger siblings. Our son was incredibly independent. He became very upset when we tried to help him with something, so we parented him as one would a well attached toddler; we left him take care of himself. In hindsight that was the not at all what he needed.

- Toddler's who are placed in care or adopted often experience intense rages and meltdowns as the attempt to navigate their new world while trying to make sense of what has happened. Per our caseworker's advice, we put our son in time out. One minute for each year of age. Unknown to us we were only exacerbating his Alarm Of Separation. After we learned about TBRI we began practicing Time In versus time out, with much better result's.

In simple word's NURTURE that child. 

DO: love and nurture him, let him be a baby. Let him have things to soothe him be it a blanket, toy or Nuk.

DON'T: Try to make him act his age. He may be a toddler physically, but deep inside he is still just a baby.

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4 Ways A Child Adopted At Birth May Have Experienced Trauma And What You Can Do To Help

As an adoptive mom I have often been asked how old our children were when they came to us. When people hear that most of them were 6 months or younger, the inquirer usually says something like, "At least they were too young to remember their previous circumstances," or, "That's, good! Then you won't have the problems some people have."

I know most of those comments come from the thought that an infant is a like a blank slate. The thought is, if he is too little to remember previous trauma, surely he won't be affected by it.

Let me assure you that even if you bring a child into your home straight from the hospital, he will have trauma. An infants brain is being formed while in the womb and his mother's experiences, diet, prenatal care or lack thereof, all have a direct impact on her unborn child. 

Think about it this way, there is always a reason a child is placed in care or is available for adoption. That reasons may vary, but regardless what they are, the mother will have undoubtedly experienced some stress. Infants who are exposed to high levels of cortisol - a stress hormone - while in utero will have a higher chance for both physical and mental health challenges later in life.

Alcohol is a terratogen, meaning it crosses the placenta and directly impacts the baby. Whatever is being formed at the time mom consumes alcohol, can easily be damaged or destroyed. Sadly many doctors still tell patients that the occasional drink is okay. As the parent of a child with FASD, let me assure you that it is not worth it!

Substance abuse is often a factor when a child needs to be removed from his parents at birth. The impact of  drugs on a child's brain and nervous system is tremendous. This damage may not be visible until the child is about school age, then things seem to fall apart, while for others it is noticeable from day one.

If the mother lived in an abusive situation her unborn child will be directly impacted by her anxiety/stress. One of our children flinches at raised voices, we assume this is directly related to the conflict our child's mother was subject to while pregnant.

If none of these situations affect your child, the mere fact that he was removed from the one person who kept him safe and nurtured him prior to birth can cause for trauma. Of course an infant in this situation will likely be able to build a bond with another caregiver with relative ease since he already has had a firm foundation. However don't be surprised if you see sign's of trauma and don't take them any less seriously than you would any other traumatized child as these things can snowball.

So what can you do if you bring an infant into your home?

- Hold him. I recently told one mom that holding her child now may save her many sleepless nights down the road. An infant has an undeveloped nervous system and he regulates off his parents. Your heart beat "teaches" his heart how fast to beat. Your calm voice, smile and eye contact show him that he is safe. The feel of your skin helps him regulate his body temperature and assure's him you are near. You cannot spoil an infant, especially one who has been traumatized.

- Only mom or dad should feed baby if at all possible. Baby needs to learn that nourishment comes from you.

- Keep visitors to a minimum as Baby needs plenty of time to adjust to his surroundings.

- Do not pass him around for other's to hold. Baby needs to know you are near, he is hyper vigilent and it won't take much for him to enter a state of panic or he may shut down, neither is desirable.

- Keep him wrapped tightly if that calm's him -some baby's exposed to illegal substances are highly sensitive and being swaddled may provide too much sensory input.

- Some infant's like a noise maker, especially if they spent any length of time in the hospital where there was constant noise.

Find what works for your baby and do what it takes to provide those things. By the way, your baby will most likely retain the need for many of  these comfort measure's until way passed what is deemed socially acceptable. My advice is to let them have their comfort's as long as they need them.

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Processing Trauma Memories

Last night we went to get our passports, something we have talked about doing for a long time but kept pushing off.

As Dean and I sat side by side filling out paperwork a growing sense of unease filled my gut, my brain refused to cooperate and the tension grew. We were frantically filling out the forms an hour before we had to leave for our appointment, so I blamed my reaction on having to rush about.

When we got to the library and began going over the forms together. I had a flashback of the last time we sat around a table answering questions and signing paperwork. That time we were in an attorney's office signing away our parental rights, something I never dreamed we would do! 

Turns out I wasn't the only one feeling a bit traumatized. Kiana had a rough evening. Over the top giggling can signal dysregulation every bit as much as does meltdowns and raging. She went from giggling hysterically to sobbing hysterically, a sure sign that something was going on.

I finally sat her down and asked her what was wrong. Of course she gave the answer I expected, "Nothing!" I tried rephrasing my question but she wasn't ready to talk. I told her to sit and tap, which gets the two sides of the brain to communicate. My children don't like tapping when something is bugging them because their mode of coping is to bury and stuff their anxiety. They know tapping will get their brain to thinking, something they want to avoid at all costs. Of course Kiana responded to my request to tap with defiance and rage, anything to avoid complying with me.

I left her sit and rage for awhile and when I noticed she was calming down I called her over and said, "Something is bothering you, I have a good idea what it is but I want you to try to figure it out." When helping someone work through a trigger/memory it is best if they can figure out what is behind the emotion because this means they are processing the information. If you just tell them, they don't work through the steps on their own. You may need to coach the person along which is what often happens with our children, but we try to get them to do as much thinking on their own as possible.

She denied that she had any idea what was bothering her, but we have learned to know our children well enough that we usually know when they do not know the answer to a question, when they are being stubborn or when the answer is just to hard to say. Kiana's issue was obviously the latter.

I told her that I think going to sign those papers scared her. I asked why she thinks she felt so scared, and she shrugged her shoulders. "What were you thinking about when you had that scared feeling?" I asked. She mumbled, "My mom." Ahh, so I was was on the right track!

"What did your mom have to do with signing those papers?" I asked. "Maybe you were telling her how I act....." she replied. "Hmmm, and why would that make you afraid?" Her lip was trembling so I waited until she whispered, "You might give me back to her."

I had figured that was her problem all along but I didn't want to give her any idea's, plus as I said before, it is best if the person works through their problems themselves. We went over the how's and why's of adoption again and Kiana burst out, "It is just like buying and selling animals! You buy an animal and then you sell it again, adoption is the same way!"

I left her talk for awhile then said, "Since you are comparing adoption to selling animals, let's think about it. If a cow has a calf and won't let her drink milk, is it better to give the calf to a cow who will take care of her or should the farmer leave the calf die?" She didn't hesitate, "You should give her to a cow who will take care of her!"

"Right, because a little calf will die without milk to drink. How about when the calf is half grown and can take care of herself some of the time. Should the calf go back to her birth mom or stay with the mama who has been taking care of her all along?" Kiana started to say, "She should stay with the mom who is taking care of her," but suddenly realized where the conversation was heading and back pedaled. "She should go to her birth mom!!!" Let me add here that Kiana, like many adopted children, has an attachment with her birth mom and would like to live with her but at the same time fears having to go back. It is a complicated emotion for a child to work through.

"What if the calf's birth mom still has a hard time caring for her?" I asked next. Kiana said quietly, "I guess she should stay with the mom who has been taking good care of her."

I agreed then said, "Did we ever get rid of a child?" Kiana's eye's welled with tears and she nodded, "Braden left." 

"Yes he did," I agreed, "But do you remember why he left?" Kiana said, "Because he had a big hurt in his heart." 

"Who else has a big hurt in their heart?" I asked. "Me," Kiana whispered. "That must be a scary feeling," I acknowledged. "Did you know that when Braden left he didn't even cry? He was so happy to be moving to a new family." 

"He is mean!" Kiana cried. "No Kiana, he was hurting," I  said and went on to explain attachment in as simple words as I could.

"It is really hard for mom to explain, but someday when you are older you will be able to understand," I finished. "For now you have a choice, trust mom when she says that you will never go to a new home, but it was the best thing for Braden; or don't trust mom and let your worry and fear grow bigger."

"I will try to trust you, but it is really hard!" Kiana said. 

We ended our conversation with our usual hugs and she seemed to feel better but I know this will be an ongoing conversation. 

Sometimes I can't help but wonder why must life be so difficult for the children God has entrusted into our care. So often I feel as though I am bumbling along making things worse instead of better, but then I remember that God can take my feeble efforts and bring healing to hurting hearts.

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Your Values Versus Your Child's Need's

"Don't let your values get in the way of your child's needs."

Most people have a set of values which they have either had passed down to them or were built from their own life experiences. We are no different. We wanted our children to be respectful, polite and honest and when we began foster care we thought we would naturally pass those values on to the children, especially if they eventually joined our family via adoption. Naive? Yes!

My children are respectful as long as they feel safe and no one challenges them on anything. This is natural, the difference is in the things that make my children feel unsafe. 

-No clean cereal bowls

-Mom preparing to go away

-Dad working late

-Having friends over

-Sibling receiving a gift

-Having to wait for a snack

-Being told no

-Being told to redo a chore

-Confrontation

All these things and a thousand more bring on panic and no one is able to be respectful when their fight, flight or freeze system is activated. The fact is, my children are seldom respectful because they are triggered the majority of the time. We could demand respect and punish when they fail but that would mean we are putting our value's ahead of their needs. Instead we offer redo's and we give snacks even when mealtime is only 20 minutes away. We keep trauma in the forefront of our minds at all times. Trauma trumps respect, although we are certainly working on it when we can.

Our children steal. This one I could hardly get beyond. I remember taking a tootsie roll from the store as a child and having to go back and pay for it. I never took anything again! Our children don't learn from consequences. They see something they want so they take it. Some of it is due to impulsiveness, but the majority can be blamed on trauma. When your body has been trained to fear that your needs won't be met it is very hard to change that mindset. We tried consequences, we tried having the child do the talking when we returned an item, anything to prevent it from happening again. But it always did. Our children tend to cycle through these trauma behaviors so when we know a child has been having sticky fingers we check shoes, coats and undergarments before going home. Depending on the situation, we may talk with the child. Other times we don't make a big deal because reprimanding/consequencing the child usually comes at the expense of our relationship, a price that is too high to pay.

Lying. This one still makes me angry at times. Thankfully I am learning that lying is a trauma response, not something to be taken personally. I am also slowly learning not to ask the "why" question as that only sets the stage for more lies. Take the evidence and deal with it. Don't waste time trying to figure out the why behind the action as the child probably doesn't know himself why he lied. If we would punish for every lie, our days would be filled with chaos, not at all conducive to healing traumatized little bodies.

Being kind to others is something my children struggle with. Again, there are many reasons for this but trauma is usually at the root. Fear people won't like them drives them to act out in inappropriate ways to try to get a laugh. Their wants/needs trump those of anyone else. Empathy is a hard concept when your brain is primed for panic.

Once upon a time we parented our children in a "typical" manner. We quickly learned that didn't work but it wasn't until Braden went to The Attachment Place and they taught us about TBRI that we really began to understand that our children need to heal emotionally. For emotional healing to occur, we need to make sure they feel safe so they can grasp things like being respectful, polite and truthful at all times.

Sometimes trauma/special needs parenting leaves me feeling like a complete and utter failure. After all, two of our children have been in our home for 10 years already and while they have made progress, they have so far to go. Sometimes I feel like they just have to get it and then I go into a blind panic, drilling the concepts of honesty and respectfulness into them. Without fail it all falls apart because they simply do not have the ability to maintain that level of life in addition to their trauma. Then I fall into the opposite ditch and go easy on them because I feel so badly for asking more of them than they could give. Of course that doesn't work much better. It takes constant tweaking, constant monitoring and constant mindfulness to be the parent our children need. They need us to walk alongside them, providing an arm to lean on in weak moments while being alert for those moments when they are strong enough to take a few baby steps on their own. When they take those small steps, it makes my heart swell with love and admiration for my children who are working through issues that would drive many an adult to their knee's.

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Affirming The Parents=A Stronger Bond

Children who have trouble bonding and those who have an insecure attachment need to hear people from outside the family praise their parents. Mom and dad can say, "I love you, that is why I don't allow you to do xyz," or "Mom's who love their children keep them safe," but it won't mean nearly as much as when someone else says it. Children who learned early in life that adults particularly mom, are not to be trusted, need constant reminders that mom will keep them safe. However hearing it from their parents isn't nearly as effective as hearing it from people outside the immediate family.

   Yesterday our neighbor was at our place. As we stood outside chatting, Kiana was swinging from a huge vine that was growing in the woods. It broke, dumping her unceremoniously onto the ground. As I held her while she cried, our neighbor said, "Isn't it nice to have a mom who loves you and takes care of you? Some moms don't take care of their children, imagine that?" She and I exchanged a smile over Kiana's head, because this lady is fully aware of the struggles we face in the bonding department.

In therapy Kiana and I have been working on our bond. Anyone else out there dread the hard work of therapy? Her therapist has a gift for using the exact same words Dean and I use when we are working through an issue with Kiana. Many times when Mr D is talking, Kiana gives me a sidelong glace that speaks volumes.

If you are relating to a family with children who are attachment challenged there are a few things you can do to encourage the bond between parent and child. The bonus for you is that once the bond is more concrete and stable, you will have more opportunity to interact with the child. When a bond is fragile, there are multitudes of innocent actions and comments that can deliver a staggering blow to a bond that has been slowly beginning to form. As parents we know it isn't done intentionally but we also know how much work has gone into the bond and how much work it will take to repair damage that was done in unintentionally. That is why we are so very protective of our children's interactions with others.

WAYS TO ENCOURAGE A BOND BETWEEN PARENT AND CHILD:

-Always affirm mom and dad (even when you don't really agree with their way of handling a situation)
-If a child asks for a drink, snack, or wants you to read them a book and the parent is present, send them to the parent. The parent will know if it is "safe" for little Johnny to sit beside you for a story or not and they will guide the situation accordingly.
-When you see the parent helping their child, a comment such as, "Your mom/dad does such a good job taking care of you," may be just the words needed to strengthen the bond. A word of caution, don't say it if you don't mean it, our children are masters at sensing artificial words/actions.
-If the child asks for permission to do something while in the presence of his parents say, "That would be a good question to ask your mom/dad." Our children are good at getting things that they know are against the rules from other adults. They also know which adults mom and dad are willing to stand up to and which one's their parents will tend to avoid a confrontation with.
-If the child is being ornery for their parents, don't try to draw them out of it. This can be helpful for the well attached child, but not for those who are not fully bonded. The child will assume you are on their side thus against mom/dad and this will only feed the fire. The best thing to do is simply ignore the child, he will quickly sense whether or not you are willing to engage in his silent fight against mom and dad.

We have had situations where a child was really having a hard time with the relationship necessary between a parent and child, when someone stepped in and said something like, "Isn't it nice to have a mom/dad who knows just what you need?" The child gives us a sheepish grin and we silently bless the speaker.  

We Found A Therapist!

Our "therapist finding fiasco" may finally be over! I have been calling therapists near and far, searching for an attachment therapist to no avail. No one was willing to work with Kiana and I together, they all did "traditional therapy" where they meet with the child for a portion of the visit then with the parent and child together. Anyone who has a child with attachment or trauma knows that you Never leave your child alone with a therapist. One reason is that therapists are mandated reporters and are required by law to report anything they think signals abuse. The other reason is that these children are prone to lying. If the child has an attachment disorder they will intentionally lie to keep a wall between them and their parent or caregiver.

A good attachment therapist will laugh when you ask if they meet with the child alone. They know that doing so puts not only the parent but the therapist at risk because there is nothing to keep the child from making up stories about their therapist. I am amazed at how many child therapists still insist on meeting with the child alone, don't they understand what is at stake?

Anyway, two weeks ago I called a therapist that friends have given high marks. I left him a message and when he returned my call he was very professional. He told what types of therapy he uses and why. H said he would never see Kiana alone unless both him and I agreed it would be necessary for her healing. But the what really made me happy was when I mentioned that Kiana has PANS and suffers from tics/compulsions and tantrums. He told me he works with a psychiatrist who works with children who have PANS/PANDAS! He said it is nearly impossible to get an appointment with her but they work together so he is sure he could get us in. Best of all, he said if I was willing to make appointments as we go, rather than having a set date/time, he could see Kiana immediately! 

Kiana had her first therapy appointment this week and I was very pleased with how well it went. Kiana talked and the therapist knew what he was talking about. Both the therapist and I came away amazed at what the other knew about trauma. 

We even talked about B! Kiana said she sometimes acts out to see if we will find her another home, which wasn't news to me. We have discussed this umpteen times, but as is typical for children with a history like hers, she didn't believe us when we explained the differences between her needs and B's.

Kiana told the therapist that she really likes horses and he told her that his wife has one. "You may come live with us, then you can ride as much as you want," he offered. I will admit I suddenly had serious doubts that he knew what he was talking about, but I shouldn't have worried. Kiana looked at him and said, "I don't want to!" He asked why not and she said, "I don't know you." He agreed and said, "So are you saying you wouldn't feel safe living with me? Do you feel safe at home with mom and dad?" She nodded her head and he said, "I don't know B but I am guessing he didn't feel safe at home. He probably would have wanted to come live with me. That is the difference between the two of you." I saw the light bulb go on, so I knew Kiana was taking in what he said. That is exactly the kind of therapist we were looking for, someone who can reiterate what we tell Kiana, someone who can help her see that we really do love her.

Even though the appointment went better than I even dared hope, I came away exhausted. I had forgotten how hard attachment therapy is! Please pray for Kiana as she continues therapy, we got a glimpse of how bringing up all this junk will affect her and we covet your prayers. 

Does FASD Affect A Child's Ability To Bond?

From time to time I get the question, "If B's attachment problems are from early childhood trauma, why doesn't Joseph have the same struggles?" Since both boys experienced the same living conditions and came into care at the same time, this is a logical question.

For a long time Dean and I wondered the same thing. It is true that B was a bit older than Joseph was when he came into care, but attachment disorder happens in early childhood versus as an older child. A child can and will develop similar symptoms if he is in an unstable environment but having had a bond previously, he will generally not struggle to the same extent as a child who has never bonded with anyone.

I think Joseph escaped full blown RAD partly because of B, he had someone with whom he connected. Even though it was not a healthy bond, his brain was still exercised in that area. The boys had what is referred to as a trauma bond. They bonded on trauma and kept recreating that trauma to experience the connection.

Both boys have FASD but Joseph is affected more severely than his brother. It is common for each consecutive sibling to be more affected as the birth mom's alcohol consumption is often directly related to the amount of stress/responsibility she faces. We feel Joseph's degree of FASD is part of his saving grace. We may be wrong but it seems that his inability to differentiate between fact and reality somehow protected him. FASD has affected his ability to feel both physical and emotional pain. Thus things like hunger, didn't give him the same sense of panic it would give another child. The flip side is that his body kept score of what he was enduring and we have ongoing food issues because of it.

Because of his FASD, Joseph lives in a black and white world. When we are "nice" to him (doing what he wants us to) he loves us with an adoration that warms our hearts. But when he is angry with us, usually over some preconceived wrong that we have done, his brain abandons all common sense and any attachment to us is out the window. He is all fight or flight. So in many ways he acts like a child with an attachment disorder, requiring us to parent him as such because of the damage done to his brain by alcohol.

If I were to fill out a form listing the criteria necessary for the diagnosis of an attachment disorder, it is quite possible Joseph would meet many of the requirements. If we never has experience with RAD, I think we would probably feel Joseph has an attachment disorder. As it is, we know that these children are manipulative, love to triangulate and do anything they can to keep a wall between them and their parents. Joseph does some of these things but not consistently. His rages are interspersed with times of deep love and a connection with us, something a child with a true attachment disorder does not do. He can be manipulative but it is usually because he is trying to meet a need he cannot or didn't think to verbalize, rather than actively trying to get people on his side. He rages when he is faced with a situation that overwhelms him although the rages would be better described as meltdowns. The hard part is figuring out what is overwhelming. Because his brain functions at various capacities, what is fun and enjoyable one day may well cause an all out yelling match complete with him running away, the next.

So does Joseph have an attachment disorder? No, but he has many of the symptoms, and needs to parented as though he does. His difficulties stem from brain damage that causes an inability to bond, brain damage that cannot be "fixed" with any amount of therapy or medication.

Please do not assume that a child with FASD cannot bond, because every person is affected differently. On the same note, those with FASD can also have RAD, and many of them do. Each and every person is different due to genetics, when and to what they have been exposed as well as the amount of care they receive in their young years.

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