A Hard Day

We got Braden settled in at The Attachment Place (TAP) yesterday. He is in a good home with parents who totally get the stress, turmoil and anguish children with RAD lavishly pour out upon their parents. TAP is in MD almost exactly 3 hours from here. I don't think I will be making the trip by myself anytime soon! We won't have much info concerning Braden for the first two weeks at least, as that time is usually spent trying out the new care takers. Seeing how far they can push them.... will they break if I scream for hours while banging my head against the wall, if I hurt the other children, if I tell them how much I hate them or maybe I will just sweetly tell them they are doing things wrong and tell them how to do it correctly, even if I haven't the first clue what they are doing. Once Miss Sharon feels his need for control is beginning to crack a bit we will have more contact and later we will either skype or visit weekly. We stopped at Wendys for lunch on our way down. He quietly ate his hamburger and fries and I began to think perhaps we are doing the wrong thing. As the miles passed and his anxiety escalated, I came back to earth assuring myself that we are doing what is best. Dean commented that our meal at Wendys felt somewhat like the "last supper". In a sense it was the last supper for us as we will hopefully never eat a meal with him while he is this emotionally disturbed. As glad as we are about that prospect there is still something scary about the unknown future! In the meantime we are trying to adjust to being a family of 6 versus 7. I catch myself setting 7 places when I set the table, looking around to see what Braden is doing and feeling like I forgot someone when there is an empty seat in the Explorer.

This morning I received an email from Luna's cw saying her mom appealed the courts decision to TPR. I thought I was prepared for that to happen but obviously I wasn't. Her case will go before the judge sometime in the next 6-12 months. I am struggling not to feel resentful towards her mom. Even though  I know she wants her baby back, I am selfish enough to want her for my daughter!

This morning I met a friend at Myerstown Park and enjoyed an iced coffee and girl talk. It was good to get out of the house and away from the drama for a bit. We stopped at Kountry Korner for lunch and enjoyed burgers n fries. After we got home Joseph and I had a good talk and it is as I thought, he is wondering when it will be his turn to go away. I tried to assure him but am not sure how much he was able to process. When we were finished talking he had his usual smile on his face so even if he couldn't understand all I told him he is obviously feeling better inside.