Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Grief and Choosing Trust

You know the question I posted the other day, the one about not remembering how to truly laugh? I was finally enlightened by a friend, she said we are grieving. At first I thought, grieving what? But the more I thought on it, the more sense it made. The scattered thoughts, inability to make decisions without constantly second guessing myself, extreme forgetfulness, fatigue, emotions all over the radar, a feeling of intense loss and feeling so needy, like we haven't anything to give. I forget others birthdays, anniversaries of joy and loss and even forget to give an encouraging word when someone is going through a tough time. In short, I am totally self centered and I despise it. Anyway when this lady pointed out the obvious, I didn't fall for it right away but looking over the past years, we have experienced loss but I didn't give myself the grace to grieve it. Does that make sense? 
   We are grieving the loss of dreams for Braden. God may well choose to heal him and He can certainly produce miracles from the years the locusts have eaten but in spite of that, there is still a huge sense of loss. Braden cannot love us as mom n dad. We don't have those memories of carefree happy times together. Not that we didn't try, we did but the damage was to great. It almost feels like a death but then I talk with Miss Sharon and get updates which tear us up inside again. The scar never heals. We have a son whom we cannot nurture and love in our home. Where have we failed??? Isn't our faith strong enough? Surely, love can conquer all ills..... if only we could have somehow, someway broken through the wall that Braden desperately needed to keep in place. It isn't fair that he has to suffer the wrongs from those who were supposed to keep him safe and it isn't fair that our children have to learn such ugly things at such tender ages. I am terrified that we will lose our other children to the horrors they were subject to before we were there to comfort them.  I am so thankful we have Jesus who understands our struggles. He can help our children understand things when words fail us. Sometimes when one of the children are fighting a battle to big for their small shoulders and we as parents are unable to help them understand, a whispered prayer brings words to mind and we can ease their troubled minds. Then there are times like tonight when a child cannot or will not tell us what is wrong and no amount of talking, tears or promises of love and safety will get them to talk. So we assure them of our love, tuck them in and give them to our Heavenly Father who understands all things. And that is another loss we have to grieve. Our children do not fully trust us to keep them safe because as one child asked me, "Why didn't you come and take care of me when I lived with_____". 
   There is also the loss of trust. Before our ordeal with CYS we trusted people generally have others best interest in mind. Obviously we were very wrong. In fact, the psychologist who did our parenting eval chided me for being so naive! Ever since that experience I simply do not trust people to keep their word and not to twist my words to their benefit. With the loss of trust however came a deeper dependency upon God which is a good thing. And like one mom said, "You are the only mom I know who has proof that she is sane and stable!" That comment was in regards to the parenting eval that stated we are competent parents.
   We don't know why God allowed these things to come into our lives but He has a plan and a purpose which is far greater than my human mind can comprehend and I can either trust or fret. I choose trust because God is always true, faithful, loving and forgiving. 
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