Programs And Therapy Mom's

Last night was the children's Spring Program at school. Oh the drama, banging and screaming that went on, all because of a program! This year like previous years, Joseph didn't participate in the program. Standing in front of a crowd without someone by his side to regulate him would not be a good idea, besides he says, "Standing up there makes my stomach hurt." Even though he didn't help with the program, he still had a 90 minute meltdown on Wednesday evening. Thankfully it coincided with his sisters meltdown so at the end of 90 minutes they were both calm and in bed.

Kiana is home with me this morning working through big feelings brought on by the program. We had the usual, "I am upset because you adopted me - you aren't my mom - I wish my birth mom would have taken care of me" talk. The other week in therapy Mr D asked Kiana what makes a mom. She said, "A mom is someone who takes care of you, give you food, loves you and keeps you safe." 

Mr D said, "So you are saying anyone can be a mom, even if she doesn't have a baby grow in her tummy?" Kiana slowly agreed because she knew where the conversation was going. In the end she had to admit that I did the things a mom should, making me just as much her mom as is her birth mom.

Near the end of our talk this morning I asked her what kind of mom I am, the kind who cares for her children or the kind who doesn't. She wasn't ready to give in yet, so she said, "You are a therapy mom." 

Kiana is on the floor at my feet with her My Loving Family people busily re enacting the program. Those people have been quite therapeutic over the years. Children naturally act out their feelings through play. Watching and listening as the girls play with their "families" has been a huge asset helping us understand what is bothering them.

Triggers, Trauma And Life

  Parenting children with trauma creates traumatized parents.


Our children have been struggling with school this year prompting many phone calls and texts from their teachers asking for advice. If you are one of my children's teachers, thanks for calling it is what we want you to do, nevertheless hearing my phone ring is traumatic. The other day Dean went hunting for awhile before going to work. He had his phone lying on the counter and he kept receiving texts. I jumped and my adrenaline started pumping each time it made a sound. Panic set in and I immediately began wondering which child was struggling. Telling myself to calm down because it wasn't even my phone made no difference. 

   The other evening I was listening to a webinar by Deborah Gray on, Practical Tips For Disciplining While Maintaining Attachment. She said something that grabbed my attention. Our mornings have been anything but peaceful and sending my children out the door to school with unresolved issues is partly why I jump so badly when my phone rings.

 "Sometimes a child will act out to create a distance between you and him emotionally because he knows he will soon have to say good bye. When he creates the distance by acting out, he feels more in control." This is a brief paraphrase of what Deborah explained in detail.

   Kiana acts very much like a child with RAD on school mornings. She is nasty, defiant, disobedient and irritable, nothing I do makes a difference. I have tried loving her, ignoring her, kissing her hand so she has a kiss to take to school, putting notes in her lunch, talking to her and holding her among multitudes of other things. Nothing has made a bit of difference. I was certain there was something behind it and she had a list of reasons but none of them seemed to be quite the right answer.

   I am almost certain that Kiana is actively putting up a wall of anger and defiance because she cannot bear the thought of leaving. Leaving has always been a trigger for her, so this makes sense. Now that I know what is going on, I feel better equipped to handle the situation. I need to be kind, gentle and loving besides being proactive in finding ways to alleviate her anxiety. I find having things to try and knowing why my child acts as he does goes a long way in reducing my stress.

I received this book to preview. It is written by an adoptee who gives a glimpse into her world, while affirming adoptive parents and giving constructive criticism.

Lia made this lamb at school. 

My cheerful dish dryer. Joseph's teacher was sick one day this week so I kept him home. He wasn't sure which is harder doing school work or helping mom. :)

Track & Field And A Dentist Appointment

     The K-2 school trip is now history and Joseph had a good time and Kiana didn't get lost! I am not sure why Kiana was so concerned about getting lost but it was a major source of distress for her. I spoke to her teacher about it when I dropped the children off on the morning of the school trip, her teacher assured me she was already planning to have Kiana in her group of children. We feel so blessed to have teachers who do their best to understand trauma and are willing to work with us to make school feel like a safe place for our children. Joseph bought a flashlight at the souvenir shop. He wasn't home more than ten minutes before he dropped it and it came apart. He was devastated but I told him I was pretty sure daddy could fix it. Sure enough, he was able to put it back together but before he handed it back to Joseph he warned him not to take it apart or he might not be able to fix it the next time. 

   Thursday was Track & Field and the school picnic. Two full days in a row were more than my children could handle. Joseph had more meltdowns in the past two days than in the last month. I have begun wrapping him tightly in a blanket and holding him when he melts down. He is soon calm again and ready to work through whatever upset him. 

Lia had the last of her cavities filled on Thursday. I am so glad to have that behind us! I was worried she would decide she has had enough and refuse to cooperate but I needn't have feared, she did great! When Joseph was her age he sat nicely while the dentist drilled out his cavities but refused to let them fill his teeth. We ended up having to take him to the OR as he had quite a few teeth that needed to be worked on. I was afraid we would have to go that route with Lia, so thankful we didn't have to.

One more week of school and then summer vacation! 

First Day Of The 2015-2016 School Term

....It is that time of year once again. We dig out back packs, lunches, get back into an early to bed early to rise schedule and reacquaint ourselves with the stress school brings into our lives.

6th grade and 2nd grade

7 years old

Trying out their new desks.

And last but not least, the little girl who will be mama's girl for one more year much to her dismay!

Please pray for us, especially for Joseph and wisdom for his parents and teacher. This week we saw a lot of behaviors that had been put on the top closet shelf, things we hoped were in the past. He had a rough week and I was unable to draw him out of his psychological distress, not easy for him or mom.