Am I A Bad Parent?

Our adoption journey has given me the privilege of meeting and speaking with many parents. Due to our unique circumstances, it is often those parents who have children with FASD or those who's adoption's aren't working out, often due to safety issue's, with whom I have the privilege of sharing our story and hearing theirs in return.

There is one question I am asked every single time. Sometimes the person asks in a voice choked with tears, sometimes the question is laced with fear and sometimes the question is asked so quietly I can hardly decipher what was said. The question is this, "Am I a bad parent?" My heart hurts for these people because I am deeply familiar with that very pain. It is a question I often ask myself. On some level I know it isn't true, but on a deep fundamental level I can't help but believe that somehow my child's problem must be at least partly my fault. As parents we want to "fix" our children. We want them to be successful, to have the ability to make good choices without their trauma baggage weighing them down. We run ourselves ragged in an attempt to aid them on their healing journey, but sometimes healing doesn't come. At least not in the ways we had hoped and dreamed of when we looked into the future. When failure is more common than success, we as parents have a tendency to believe that somehow we must have failed.

We, like most families who began foster care over ten years ago when there was very little taught about trauma, believed that we could heal the hurts in the hearts of the little ones who came through our door. We somehow thought that love would be enough. How many times have you heard that quote? How many times have you heard, "Well if you would love them more," or "If you would love them the same as you love your other children," whatever that is supposed to mean, "They wouldn't have these problems" Somehow the world has gotten hung up on, "Love is enough," when it comes to helping hurting people. Folks, I am shouting from the roof top's, "LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH!!!" Anyway, 10 plus years ago we believed this from the bottom of our hearts. We didn't have trauma training, and the words, Reactive Attachment Disorder weren't even in our vocabulary. We tried to take hurting children and love them so much that they would just have to love us back. At the time the idea sounded logical, in hindsight it was anything but logical. You know how well that theory works, right? It doesn't. And so we began to flounder. What do you do with a child who is terrified of love, or feels he is unlovable? We didn't realize that such a thing was even possible, so I began to think, "It must be me. I must be a bad mom." And the seed grew and grew. That seed was watered daily with examples of why I was a bad mom. My child refused to do anything that I asked of him. As a preschooler, he would go hungry rather than eat the food I made, while happily chowing it down if someone else made the meal. How do you deal with that?

You think of the urine soaked floors in your house, the holes in the walls, the times you screamed into your pillow because you so desperately needed to release the pain building in your heart. The items found stashed behind your child's bed, the misunderstandings with her teacher, the fights your son was involved in because his brain damage means that he doesn't understand cause and effect. And then your mind goes on to think of how well your child can present in public. You think of the times your child raged and threatened you until you arrived at a friends house, whereupon the threats stopped and a smile appeared on his face. People greet your daughter with hugs and she accepts them, but when you try to hug her she either accepts the hugs but then turns around and destroys something that had sentimental value to you, or she grabs a handful of skin and pinches you as she hugs. And you think, "I must be a bad parent or my child wouldn't act this way."

You can't talk to anyone other than your child's therapist about the things that happen in your home because it sounds so absurd, and in public your child looks nothing like what you experience at home. If you do venture to speak up you hear one of three things:

 The ever famous, love them more

 Discipline more - he just needs a good spanking!

Don't worry, my child does that all the time.

You know loving more doesn't work for your child....although from those giving you the advice, it seemingly works for everyone else's child. So you internalize the idea that you must be a bad parent, because this is not working for your child. But we forget that the people offering this advice often have no experience with something that plays a huge part in your child's behavior: trauma. Our hurting children need love in mega doses, but love itself is not enough.

Discipline more. That is such a lovely thing to hear when you are at the end of your rope. When parenting children with trauma, brain damage and/or prenatal exposure, more discipline is rarely the answer. Consequences seldom have the desired affect and what those offering this bit of advice fail to understand is, our children have already gone through horrific circumstances, a consequence likely won't make one bit of difference. However we have learned to take advantage of natural consequences when applicable. If I tell my child not to slam the door and he does anyway and pinches his finger, there is a 50/50 chance he won't slam the door the next time. However, when you take the brain damage from prenatal exposure into consideration, it is anyone's guess if he will remember not to slam the door when he goes through it 5 minutes later. So you feel like you must be a bad parent because you can't get your child to stop slamming doors....or whatever behavior that you child is currently struggling with.

Don't worry, my child does that all the time. This one used to drive me crazy. One therapist explained it this way, "Yes, what your child is doing is typical. What is not typical is the length, severity and intensity of the action." All children have meltdowns, but typically not for hours at a time, over the most minor of circumstances. Even knowing this, it can leave you feeling like a bad parent because your child's actions are getting on your last nerve and according to your friend, this behavior is perfectly normal!

You feel guilty for resenting your child's behavior, this is trauma/brain damage based after all. Your child can't help how he is affected by his life experiences, and so you go back to the, "I must be a bad parent, because what kind of a parent would get so frustrated with their child?" The guilt we heap on ourselves is tremendous.

You feel like a bad parent when sitting in a new therapist's office and she asks for your child's strengths and your mind goes blank. You know your child has strength's but all your weary brain can remember is the pain and anguish of each and every day. 

And if you worst fears become reality and your child is no longer safe in your home and you know that due to circumstances unique to your family and situation, he never will be safe. Despite your best effort's you know cannot keep everyone safe 24/7. Decisions have to made, decisions you didn't even know were a possibility before you entered the world of trauma and prenatal exposure. Your heart breaks because you must be a bad parent if you can't keep your own children safe. This is the point where most parents crumble. This is not what you had in mind when you signed up for this journey. You wanted to aid in healing hearts, not causing more pain and hurt in the lives of your loved one's. All the guilt, pain, shame, trauma, distress and chaos of the years washes over you like a tidal wave and you wonder if there is hope for your loved ones. Failure looms big and black in your face, you feel condemned, judged and left to wither away in the face of this pain.

But remember you are not a failure!

-You kept your child safe to the best of your ability.

-You lay beside your child as he screamed out his inner torment, for which he had no words. Even though you couldn't make it better for him, you were there.

- You sought out one professional after the next, searching for help and healing for your child.

-You bore the brunt of deep emotional wounds, inflicted on their tender souls long before you came into the picture.

-You fought for them as long as you could. Even if your child has crossed that line, the line where she is no longer safe in your home and you need to look into other options; remember love means doing what is best for your child and the rest of the family, even if it tears your heart to shreds.

-You loved them with all you could, using your resources minimal though they may have been, you wore yourself out trying to be everything for your child and just because you were not enough, does not mean you are a bad parent!

When A Special Needs Parent Fall's Into A Hole

I had to chuckle a little when I saw this quote come up in my FB feed. I think it accurately describes what we special needs parents feel at times. Our lives are so complex and so confusing that those who haven't walked this road must wonder at us sometimes! 

Even as I chuckled, I had to admit it was 100% spot on. For many of us, our children's disabilities are hidden and no one knows what goes on inside the walls of our homes. Explaining a complex, invisible disability is hard. I often find myself lacking the words to adequately convey my child's needs and end up sounding like an over protective mom.

As you all know, taking a day off work won't fix the problem, it might not even help the problem. If you could take ten years off and still receive a paycheck so you could be with you child 24/7 you would most certainly make some progress.

Doctor's are a necessary part of this journey but too many of them don't have the time to spend individually with their patients to really learn what is happening. It is much easier to prescribe a medication, send the child home and have the parent call if there are problems. And trust me, our prenatally exposed children are so complex that there will be problems. The parent has to decide if they are giving the medication a fair trial, if the child is reacting to the medication,  if it is due to a previously unknown trauma trigger, or could it be that this new med doesn't mix with the other medications he is taking? The doctor may have answers or he may not. Prenatal alcohol exposure means our child's brain may react in any one of a hundred unusual ways. Then there are the new behaviors that pop up and you have to figure out if the new medication is causing it, or has the medication helped relax the child enough that he is able to expose another layer of trauma? Other doctor's take one look at the child and say, "He is fine, you just need to be firmer with him." Still others say, "He is too young to be exhibiting these symptoms, are you sure that is what is happening? Perhaps you are only imagining things?" There was a time we had so many doctors, therapists and medications on board that things were absolute chaos. We ended up eliminating them one by one and starting back at ground zero to try to make sense of things. It would have been so nice to have a professional who truly understood our child(ren) and would have sorted out the mess, but unfortunately there wasn't anyone with those credentials who could help us as we didn't meet certain criteria and/or hadn't gone up the necessary rungs of the ladder in the correct order so we didn't apply.

Behavioral services are rife with loophole's. You think you have your I's dotted and your T's crossed only to find out that they can't help you due to budget cut's, time constraint's, age, diagnosis etc. etc. It is maddening to fill out reams of paperwork only to discover you have once more reached a dead end. They push you off to another department or another colleague and, I suspect, breathe a sigh of relief that you are no longer their problem.

Nobody has money for the services our children need, I admit their diagnosis cause them to be a bottomless bucket of needs. It isn't their fault, they didn't ask for this, but the fact remains this is the reality the child/parents face. The supports, schooling and therapies our children need are astronomically expensive, leaving family struggling. Parents see how certain things could help their child, but can't afford them. 

There are always charities who help with such expenses, but there are more needs than charities. Applying for charity aid requires more paperwork. More explaining, more defending and more questions until you wonder if it is worth it, beside's there is little hope that you will actually receive the help you need because there are thousand's of people applying for aid.

I have found that knowledge of the prevalence of FASD is still new enough that there aren't as many services available. If my son had autism we would be able to access many services that are currently beyond our grasp due to his diagnosis. 

Then come your friends who get it without you having to explain a thing. When you simply say, "It's been rough today," they smile, give you a hug and reply, "I understand," and drop what they are doing to help you out. And it means so much because you know that their plate is every bit as full as your own. Having friends and family who care is vital in providing the courage to get up, dry your eyes and try again.

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*I couldn't find who wrote the above quote, but if anyone knows contact me and I will give credit to whom it is due.

When Your Child's Trauma Causes Parental PTSD

Trauma. What comes to mind when you hear that word? In the world of adoption, we automatically tend to think separation from birth parents, neglect, possibly abuse, and a loss of what is known and familiar.

There is more and more information and awareness being spread about this topic, but we don't hear as much about what trauma does to a family. This is probably due to the guilt factor felt by many of us who parent a child with early child hood trauma. We think, "My child has lost so much, how dare we complain about how his trauma affects us???" If you are like me, you bottle it up. You know it isn't healthy to do so, but what are the options, especially when the layers of trauma are deep and complex.

We, like many families who began fostering before there was much training on attachment and how trauma affects a child, felt that love and supplying a child's physical needs was all that was needed for said child to grow up to be an emotionally, stable individual. Thinking back on our training, I am sure we touched on this topic although it certainly wasn't front and foremost as it should have been. Instead, we learned how various drugs affect the body and how an individual who is using them, may present. We learned how to prepare our homes to pass the safety inspections, how to fill out monthly reports and that type of thing. We didn't learn what to do if a child refused to eat for days because he was mad at mom. We didn't learn how to care for a child who screamed all day, every day, nor did we learn about building an attachment with a child who had experienced the loss of all he held dear, or worse yet, never learned to attach to anyone.

With that huge gap in our training (and I am not blaming the caseworkers, they had little more training than we did) we became foster parents to children who had been exposed to drugs and alcohol, children who had been neglected, babies who had soda in their bottles rather than nourishing formula. We had children who didn't feel pain, children who didn't recognize their birth parents even though they supposedly lived with them. We had children who rocked themselves to sleep, banged their heads on the floor and ate dog food at every opportunity...and we tried parenting them in the same manner as we did our biological son. It didn't work. Time outs didn't work, ignoring the negative behavior while praising the behavior we wanted to see didn't work, we tried every type of parenting in the book, nothing worked.

Our toddlers became preschoolers and the behaviors only intensified. We added lying, stealing and manipulating to the mix and as they grew and became school age, their behaviors only became more complex. We learned about therapeutic parenting but that only brought minimal changes. We tried therapy, but had little success. 

Our children were coping in the only way they knew how,  which was by striving to be at the top of the pack by what ever means necessary. It is called survival. Someone who is struggling to survive is not worried about relationships, he isn't thinking about how his choices affect the future, he is thinking one thing only: stay alive no matter the cost to self, or anyone else. I think we have a tendency to forget that even though our child has been with us _____ years, until they heal from their past trauma's and can truly feel safe in our home, they remain in survival mode. Several of our children have been with us for nearly a decade and they still struggle in this area.

Using traditional parenting methods with children who have experienced foundational trauma, for many reasons, only intensifies the behaviors. We have a child who struggles to stay dry, consequences are not going to help her because we know it is rooted in trauma (although I have yet to figure out exactly how, although we do know traumaversaries intensify the problem). Disciplining a child for a behavior they cannot help, does not promote bonding. Another child struggled with sticky finger's, we finally realized that we had to be proactive and check pockets, shoes etc after we had been away from home because this child truly wasn't getting that taking things was wrong. He saw it and his survival brain said, "Take it." Unfortunately, it took us years of trial and error to realize that we need a different approach and the rage and irrationality that resulted from our unsuccessful methods added another layer of trauma to our family. The child who took things, just became sneakier, we became less trustful and things snowballed.

Many of our children battle mental health issue's due to their trauma. While medication's can be very useful and even absolutely necessary, they can also have undesirable side affects behavior wise that add still more trauma. These behaviors often feel as though they are directed at you, the parent, and if you respond in the wrong way it can easily cause yet another layer of trauma.

 Our children feel safest with us, even though it certainly doesn't feel that way most days. We all let our "big feelings" out with those we know will love and support us through our worst moments. This means your child may present well in public but be a handful, to put it mildly, at home. We have one child who is a master at putting on a good front. People tell me how well this child is doing and I think, "You have no idea have no idea how much effort my child is putting forth to appear put together, the meltdown's and drama are going to be tenfold in the coming days." It's enough to make me want to crawl into a hole or become a permanent hermit. The well meant comments made in my child's hearing compound her trauma as well as mine. She knows she is presenting as someone she is not, while I remember how another child's similar actions helped lead to a CPS investigation. And guess what we get? More trauma.

Eventually we as parents develop secondary PTSD because we become traumatized by our children's trauma reactions. We dread waking them in the morning because we know we will be yelled at and have abuse heaped upon our heads. If we do something nice for our child, the behaviors will intensify tenfold..so we back off, then feel guilty for steeping back from our child when their negative behavior is clearly showing they need us. But trying to build a bond means that we are subjecting ourselves to more negativity and we begin to feel resentful. Therapist's have told me time and again, "Separate the child from his actions. Love the child but not the actions." I have yet to figure out how one does that while actively building a relationship. 

Self care is a buzzword we hear about everywhere, but when you have children with severe developmental trauma/attachment disorders it is tough. I think you need to begin practicing self care when a traumatized child is placed in your home, not when the child has been with you for years and you are hanging onto your sanity by the skin of your teeth and know that any self care on your part is going to come with a price tag, behavior wise from your child, that you simply do not have the mental and emotional stamina to pay. 

You see yourself becoming a person you never intended to be. You see bitterness, pain, grief, loss, irrational responses, fear and pain. In fact, if it were possible to look into a mirror you would see you too are a victim of trauma. You are bound by the same trauma reactions that have your child reacting negatively to everything and everyone that crosses his path.

And then there are the siblings, "What doesn't break us makes us better," according to one quote, but the stakes are high when there is constant backlash from the siblings who's very existence is built on trauma. Siblings build walls and fight battles in order to protect what they love and hold dear, but trauma knows no bounds causing further erosion in already shaky relationships. Sometimes I look at my family and shake my head in wonder that we are still standing, other times I shake it in despair because the reality is, while we have made progress, we have a loooong way to go and I wonder, "Will we make it?"

Thankfully, there is more training becoming available all the time for both parents and therapists. Training that can help children heal, training that can prevent parents from using wrong methods which only cause more trauma for everyone involved. To all you parents in the trenches of parenting a child, who for whatever reason is making your life difficult, hang in there you aren't alone! Having other parents who understand that I don't hate my child when I vent my, "Big feelings," has been a life saver. Knowing if I call a friend in tears, she will assure me that I am not a failure, that the mistakes I made are redeemable and not all is lost, is such a blessing. Knowing she will sit and listen and not judge or condemn because she too has walked this path and knows it isn't as easy as giving another consequence or standing my ground, gives me the strength to get up and try again. 

" Alone we are strong, together we are stronger"

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Finding Success In Parenting Children With Social, Emotional & Behavioral Disabilities - Living With FASD

We have many boundaries in place for Joseph. These boundaries keep him safe, help him thrive in a confusing world and if I am honest, they also help us hang onto our sanity during the rough moments. These boundaries are pretty much unspoken. His sibling's don't look down on him for things like, remaining in line of vision, because we don't relate to them as a punishment for bad behavior. Sometimes I can even forget how vigilant we are, until someone makes a comment or begins asking questions.

Recently a neighbor asked, "Is Joseph still around here? I don't see him outside very much." First, let me say that he does spend a great deal of time outside, only he is behind the house in his play area where this neighbor cannot see him. When she stopped by he was already in bed for the night, as he needs more sleep than his siblings. I explained that a 7:00 bedtime is what he needs to thrive, and yes, he is still here. "He needs Dean or I to help him self regulate, which is why you don't see him running into the woods to play by himself," I concluded. She was silent for a moment then said, "The poor boy!" I was a little surprised at her comment as she is very familiar with special needs similar to those Joseph has, but it got me to thinking. 

If you have followed my blog for any length of time, you know that I struggle with the whole boundary thing. Of course our entanglement with CPS over Braden's care did nothing to alleviate our fears, because once you have gone through an investigation, things look very different. You realize you simply cannot be too careful; err on one side a wee bit too far, and things will come crashing down with devastating consequences.

I had to remind myself, "What is my responsibility as a parent?" 

#1. Keep my child safe. If he will go with a random stranger at the drop of a hat, then I must keep him by my side. If he will do or tell anyone what he thinks they want to know, again, I need to be with him at all times. If he has zero self regulation, and will unintentionally hurt someone or push them beyond their comfort zone, what is my responsibility? It isn't his fault his brain is damaged in this area and no amount of talking, therapy, etc. will "heal" him. We need to provide safe guards to protect him from himself.

#2. Help my child succeed. People with FASD have many hidden disabilities, and weaknesses in area's that you or I don't even think about. It isn't their fault. Joseph is successful, when we provide the boundaries and safe guards to help him succeed. This means putting him to bed at 7:00 because he needs ALOT of sleep, without it, he completely falls apart and the whole family ends up frustrated. People often tell me, "But that isn't fair to him, doesn't he get upset?" Of course there are times when he grumbles about it, but over all, he is much happier if we stick to his routine, because he knows he feels better.

#3. Make my child feel loved. Every child needs rules/boundaries in order to feel loved, even though I am sure every child would adamantly deny it! When we force Joseph to "act like a 10 year old," he doesn't feel loved because he inevitably falls short of our expectations. If we parent him like a preschooler, he thrives and feels loved and secure in that environment.

As parent's we often struggle with the fear of failure, especially when parenting children with social, emotional and behavioral special needs. There are many parenting models out there, therapies, diets, supplements, and the list goes on, but at the end of the day who is responsible for the child's well being? The parent of course! If the child is still struggling despite all the intervention's you have put in place, you will naturally be tempted to feel like you have failed your child. Smashing yourself into the rocks of guilt, won't help you or your child, instead ask yourself:

- Is my child safe?

- Is my child thriving/succeeding?

- Does my child feel loved?

If you can answer yes to these questions, then you have given your child a great gift and you are not a failure, even though those who catch a brief glimpse into your chaotic, restricted, lifestyle would likely claim otherwise!

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When The Gap Between Chronological Age And Ability Continues To Widen - Living With FASD

Joseph is in another one of his frustrating phases, although if I am honest, I am not sure who is more frustrated, him or I.

Joseph has always had an amazingly creative mind, he can make tractors out of a twist tie, paper and Lego tires. He can turn dust bunnies into animals and play with them for hours. The problems begin when he wants to make "real things," but lacks the ability to understand why his idea's won't work. He is currently upset because he cannot make a computer out of a broken calculator. Once, in an attempt to keep his brain occupied, we bought the book How Things Work, by Neil Ardley. Our so called brilliant idea backfired though, because now, 2 years later, he wants to make the things he reads about in the book and his "projects" never turn out like he envisioned which results in a meltdown.

This morning he took his calculator apart and became upset when his computer didn't work like the one in his book. I tried explaining why his idea wasn't feasible in an attempt to help him understand. I know, I am a hard learner but I keep hoping that someday he will be able to understand. Here is our conversation:

"Joseph, you cannot make a computer out of a broken calculator."

"Yes, I can! The book says all you need is a wire and a battery"
"Yes, but you need the right kind of wire, and one that isn't broken. You cannot build a computer out of something that is broken."

"If you would give me something that you don't use but it still works, I could make something."

"You need the correct parts. Even dad (who in his mind can do anything) cannot take an engine apart and make a chainsaw out of it, because he wouldn't have all the exact parts he needs."

"Yes, but I have my calculator screen and that is like a computer screen n I have the buttons. All I need to do is hook a wire to the buttons and then they will make numbers on the screen."
I finally came to my senses and tried a different tactic. "If you want to build things, make them with wood or Lego's, boys who are ten can't use machine's and make electronic toys."
He sat there with the most crushed expression and I was once more aware of how much FASD has robbed him.

Lest you think I got my point across....he is currently making a solar panel out of the calculator. I am bracing myself for the meltdown that will come when he realizes his solar panel doesn't work.

This gap between his age and his abilities is continually growing. He see's other 10 year old's doing things and he wants to as well, not realizing he doesn't have the mental or physical capacity to perform the same activities. Letting him try and fail, doesn't work due to a lack of cause and effect. 

We tried different kits including electronic connectors and Lego kits but he cannot follow the directions. Helping him build something doesn't turn out so well either as he has his own idea's about how things should work and gets upset when you tell him differently.

Recently he has been recalling things Tristan did when he was 10 years old. Unfortunately, he has a surprisingly accurate memory in this area and deems it unfair when we do not allow him the same privileges and responsibilities. In light of that, we have really begun hammering the fact that age does not equal privilege, rather responsibility does. So when Tristan was dreaming of the day he can get his drivers license, Dean reminded him, and all his siblings who were listening in, that just because you are legally old enough to drive does not mean you will get a license. We have to trust that you will obey the rules, drive safe and make good choices, before we will take you for your license. The phrases, obey the rules and make good choices are ones our middle two children are well acquainted with. Our hope is that, if we continue drilling this concept maybe by the time they reach the age where their peers are getting more responsibilities, it won't come as quite a shock that mom and dad aren't suddenly going to give them the freedom they so greatly anticipate.

Thankfully, I know this phase will pass as they always do, but in the meantime we will batten down the hatches, wait for the storm to pass and hope the damages aren't too great, while hoping against hope that some of what we are attempting to teach sticks! 

I would love to hear how you help your child cope with the gap between his age and the privileges other children his age have.

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When Trauma Invades Your Home

How many of you have in a moment of deep pain cried out to God and said, "I wanted to adopt. I knew that it wouldn't be easy, but I didn't know it would be this hard!!!!" 

You wanted to fill a need, not become part of the deep vacuum  trauma so often creates in a family! Especially when a family is unprepared for the depth of trauma. 

We, like so many other's, thought our children with trauma would cross the bridge to us and welcome our love and the sense of safety and protection we could provide. What happened instead was, we crossed over to the trauma side and became victims along with our child(ren).

Your home, once a place of safety and stability, becomes a war zone. Your trauma child learned to be hyper vigilant to protect himself in his previous home, and now you and your family have somehow taken up this same skill. This means that there is always a feeling of tension in the air. Everyone knows how fragile the sense of peace can be. In fact, you almost dread that feeling of calmness because when it is present, you know things are going to fall apart spectacularly.

Children with a trauma history learn to manipulate other's at a very young age. When they come into your home and are treated with love and respect, they don't soak up that affection, then pour it out on others like an emotionally healthy person would. No, they rely on the life lesson's the stood them in good stead up until this time. Lesson's that have been so painful that they have learned them well the first time.

These lesson's include: 

-Hurt other's before they can hurt you

-No one care's about me

-I am no good

-No one will ever love me

A child with this kind of mind set is a challenge to reach. They will push you away at every turn. They will do their best to hurt you because they just know you are going to hurt them. If you aren't careful your relationship with your child quickly becomes one of toxic pain and stress, nowhere near what you desire for him.

When your child has brain challenges in addition to trauma, progress can quickly begin to feel nonexistent. He cannot understand why he feels the things he does. He doesn't trust you and his brain damage prevents him from implementing the therapeutic technique's that would possibly help another child. 

There are day's when I fear our child will become a teen with a preschoolers understanding of socially appropriate behavior and moral standards. You may already be walking this road, instead of only glimpsing it in the future, and you know how very hard it is.

Sometimes when I am at the end of myself, and know my child needs me to intervene to prevent further damage to his fragile psych, I find myself uttering the wordless plea of trauma parents everywhere, "God, I can't. You must somehow step in and help us because I don't know what to do." He doesn't always provide an immediate answer, but he does always provide the grace to make it through one more day. 

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Why Trauma Parents Burn Out

Why do trauma parents burn out? Is it because our children have a history of trauma and tend to Save Their Worst Behavior For Their Parents? Is it because the parents haven't Resolved Their Own Trauma? While both of those things certainly affect us, I think the real reason many parent's burn out is because we are trying so hard.

Due to their past trauma, many of our children lie, cheat, steal and manipulate to protect themselves. We know that these method's of dealing with conflict and stress will become less and less acceptable as they grow older. 

So what do we do? We pour our whole heart and mind into helping our children heal. After all, we want them to have the privileges that go along with being responsible adults and we can clearly see the path they are on, is not conducive to such an end. 

Another therapy? Sure, even if insurance doesn't cover the cost. Even if it means the parent loses out on his one evening of quiet time a week. After all, we are doing this for our child and no price is too high to pay.

Another medication? Of course, even if it means you have to research and learn all the side affects your child may experience because of his particular needs. You dare not forget you are your child's advocate.

Keep your child by your side? You are willing to do so if might lead to a better relationship with your child. Never mind that if your child has an attachment disorder he will be angry and manipulate situation's to make it appear as though you are being unfair and unreasonable for requiring him to stay with you. If it helps him, you willingly keep him with you, no matter the price you have to pay.


Special Diet? Sure, even if it means spending hours researching and then still more hours in the kitchen cooking foods your child can eat.

Home School? If it means your child is more stable and secure, of course! Even if doing so means you never get a break, you are up for the challenge if it will help your child.

Another Psych Evaluation? If it will give answer's into why our child behave's negatively, we are willing to hand over several hundred dollar's. You cling to the thought that maybe this will provide the missing piece your child needs to continue healing.

Residential Treatment Center? If that is what my child need's to begin healing, absolutely! Even if it means traveling long hours for visits which cut back on family time or personal down time.

Guess who is supplying all the mental and emotional energy to provide all these things? The parents! What happens when these things aren't enough? They go back to the drawing board and arrange numbers, schedule's and research other options trying to find something, anything that will help their child. 

This scenario is repeated a multitude of time's, even this wouldn't be so difficult if the parents had support.

But they face doctor's who either don't believe it is as bad as the parents makes it sound, have no idea how to help, or are unable or unwilling to take the time and energy needed to figure out what is at the root of the child's issue's.

The therapist says, "Love him more, love cures all ill's."

People say, "Try this, it worked for a friend of mine." Or, "I told you this would happen if you don't give your child consequences."

And since you really, really want your child to succeed, you try things, even when you know they are futile. Because if/when your child get's into really hot water, you want to know you did your best no matter what the cost.

...and this is why trauma parents burn out. We are trying to do everything we can so our child has the best chance at healing and thriving, without ensuring we have the necessary support's in place to catch us when we become weary.

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An Answer For Those Who Offer Unhelpful Parenting Advice - Trauma Parenting

Recently Oregon Behavior Consultation asked parents with special needs children to share the advice people have given them regarding their child's behavior. They took those comments and made a video entitled, What Not To Say To Parents Of Kids With Challenging Behaviors. It is awesome! I have heard most of the comments in one form or another over the years. Sometimes I can let it roll off my back, other times not so much. 

A comment from this video clarified some things for me. Nate mentions that the reason these comments hurt so badly is because we parents are already trying so hard to do the right thing for our child. I agree with that 100%. The parent of a child with special need's faces huge challenges every day. We constantly second guess ourselves and hope we are doing what is best for our child. We don't always know what is the best response to an action, or even if what we have seen warrants a consequence or grace. Professional's will tell you that there is no cut and dried method of parenting a child with special needs because so many things play into the situation. Things such as trauma, living situation and family relationships to name only a few.

To complicate things, every child is so different, especially when you add in brain challenges, that many days we feel as though we are whirling in circle's, but fear we are never quite meeting anyone's needs. We are doing our best to stay on top of all the pressing demands, but slowly, ever so slowly losing ground. To have someone come in and tell a parent who is nearly sinking that they should just try ___________, is akin to adding a sack of bricks to the already heavy burden they carry.

Thankfully Oregon Behavioral Consultation added a video you can send to family and friends to help them better understand why you appear to be such a strict or easy going parent, depending upon the situation. Here it is: Why DO Kids And Teens Have Challenging Behaviors?

One comment from this video, portrayed what I have a difficult time finding the words to describe: People seem to think their experience with my child is my child's baseline. Exactly! What a brilliant explanation. That, in a nutshell explains what I struggle so hard to help people understand. The child you see is very different from the child I know. The child you see is either on high alert, melting down, oozing with sweetness or ________ to name a few, none of which show my child's true baseline.

The child you see misbehaving, is acting that way for reasons that may not be readily apparent. When in the presence of our immediate family, he presents very differently. This means you are not seeing my child true self. The same goes for the child who presents as super sweet and kind. That isn't my child's true self either, he is putting on a front and manipulating you. This is why our parenting looks inconsistent. We appear to be to lenient with some children, while being too strict with others. The fact is, the behavior you see is not the my child's true behavior. You will only see my child's true self if you live with us and become a permanent member of our family.

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4 Ways A Child Adopted At Birth May Have Experienced Trauma And What You Can Do To Help

As an adoptive mom I have often been asked how old our children were when they came to us. When people hear that most of them were 6 months or younger, the inquirer usually says something like, "At least they were too young to remember their previous circumstances," or, "That's, good! Then you won't have the problems some people have."

I know most of those comments come from the thought that an infant is a like a blank slate. The thought is, if he is too little to remember previous trauma, surely he won't be affected by it.

Let me assure you that even if you bring a child into your home straight from the hospital, he will have trauma. An infants brain is being formed while in the womb and his mother's experiences, diet, prenatal care or lack thereof, all have a direct impact on her unborn child. 

Think about it this way, there is always a reason a child is placed in care or is available for adoption. That reasons may vary, but regardless what they are, the mother will have undoubtedly experienced some stress. Infants who are exposed to high levels of cortisol - a stress hormone - while in utero will have a higher chance for both physical and mental health challenges later in life.

Alcohol is a terratogen, meaning it crosses the placenta and directly impacts the baby. Whatever is being formed at the time mom consumes alcohol, can easily be damaged or destroyed. Sadly many doctors still tell patients that the occasional drink is okay. As the parent of a child with FASD, let me assure you that it is not worth it!

Substance abuse is often a factor when a child needs to be removed from his parents at birth. The impact of  drugs on a child's brain and nervous system is tremendous. This damage may not be visible until the child is about school age, then things seem to fall apart, while for others it is noticeable from day one.

If the mother lived in an abusive situation her unborn child will be directly impacted by her anxiety/stress. One of our children flinches at raised voices, we assume this is directly related to the conflict our child's mother was subject to while pregnant.

If none of these situations affect your child, the mere fact that he was removed from the one person who kept him safe and nurtured him prior to birth can cause for trauma. Of course an infant in this situation will likely be able to build a bond with another caregiver with relative ease since he already has had a firm foundation. However don't be surprised if you see sign's of trauma and don't take them any less seriously than you would any other traumatized child as these things can snowball.

So what can you do if you bring an infant into your home?

- Hold him. I recently told one mom that holding her child now may save her many sleepless nights down the road. An infant has an undeveloped nervous system and he regulates off his parents. Your heart beat "teaches" his heart how fast to beat. Your calm voice, smile and eye contact show him that he is safe. The feel of your skin helps him regulate his body temperature and assure's him you are near. You cannot spoil an infant, especially one who has been traumatized.

- Only mom or dad should feed baby if at all possible. Baby needs to learn that nourishment comes from you.

- Keep visitors to a minimum as Baby needs plenty of time to adjust to his surroundings.

- Do not pass him around for other's to hold. Baby needs to know you are near, he is hyper vigilent and it won't take much for him to enter a state of panic or he may shut down, neither is desirable.

- Keep him wrapped tightly if that calm's him -some baby's exposed to illegal substances are highly sensitive and being swaddled may provide too much sensory input.

- Some infant's like a noise maker, especially if they spent any length of time in the hospital where there was constant noise.

Find what works for your baby and do what it takes to provide those things. By the way, your baby will most likely retain the need for many of  these comfort measure's until way passed what is deemed socially acceptable. My advice is to let them have their comfort's as long as they need them.

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Your Values Versus Your Child's Need's

"Don't let your values get in the way of your child's needs."

Most people have a set of values which they have either had passed down to them or were built from their own life experiences. We are no different. We wanted our children to be respectful, polite and honest and when we began foster care we thought we would naturally pass those values on to the children, especially if they eventually joined our family via adoption. Naive? Yes!

My children are respectful as long as they feel safe and no one challenges them on anything. This is natural, the difference is in the things that make my children feel unsafe. 

-No clean cereal bowls

-Mom preparing to go away

-Dad working late

-Having friends over

-Sibling receiving a gift

-Having to wait for a snack

-Being told no

-Being told to redo a chore

-Confrontation

All these things and a thousand more bring on panic and no one is able to be respectful when their fight, flight or freeze system is activated. The fact is, my children are seldom respectful because they are triggered the majority of the time. We could demand respect and punish when they fail but that would mean we are putting our value's ahead of their needs. Instead we offer redo's and we give snacks even when mealtime is only 20 minutes away. We keep trauma in the forefront of our minds at all times. Trauma trumps respect, although we are certainly working on it when we can.

Our children steal. This one I could hardly get beyond. I remember taking a tootsie roll from the store as a child and having to go back and pay for it. I never took anything again! Our children don't learn from consequences. They see something they want so they take it. Some of it is due to impulsiveness, but the majority can be blamed on trauma. When your body has been trained to fear that your needs won't be met it is very hard to change that mindset. We tried consequences, we tried having the child do the talking when we returned an item, anything to prevent it from happening again. But it always did. Our children tend to cycle through these trauma behaviors so when we know a child has been having sticky fingers we check shoes, coats and undergarments before going home. Depending on the situation, we may talk with the child. Other times we don't make a big deal because reprimanding/consequencing the child usually comes at the expense of our relationship, a price that is too high to pay.

Lying. This one still makes me angry at times. Thankfully I am learning that lying is a trauma response, not something to be taken personally. I am also slowly learning not to ask the "why" question as that only sets the stage for more lies. Take the evidence and deal with it. Don't waste time trying to figure out the why behind the action as the child probably doesn't know himself why he lied. If we would punish for every lie, our days would be filled with chaos, not at all conducive to healing traumatized little bodies.

Being kind to others is something my children struggle with. Again, there are many reasons for this but trauma is usually at the root. Fear people won't like them drives them to act out in inappropriate ways to try to get a laugh. Their wants/needs trump those of anyone else. Empathy is a hard concept when your brain is primed for panic.

Once upon a time we parented our children in a "typical" manner. We quickly learned that didn't work but it wasn't until Braden went to The Attachment Place and they taught us about TBRI that we really began to understand that our children need to heal emotionally. For emotional healing to occur, we need to make sure they feel safe so they can grasp things like being respectful, polite and truthful at all times.

Sometimes trauma/special needs parenting leaves me feeling like a complete and utter failure. After all, two of our children have been in our home for 10 years already and while they have made progress, they have so far to go. Sometimes I feel like they just have to get it and then I go into a blind panic, drilling the concepts of honesty and respectfulness into them. Without fail it all falls apart because they simply do not have the ability to maintain that level of life in addition to their trauma. Then I fall into the opposite ditch and go easy on them because I feel so badly for asking more of them than they could give. Of course that doesn't work much better. It takes constant tweaking, constant monitoring and constant mindfulness to be the parent our children need. They need us to walk alongside them, providing an arm to lean on in weak moments while being alert for those moments when they are strong enough to take a few baby steps on their own. When they take those small steps, it makes my heart swell with love and admiration for my children who are working through issues that would drive many an adult to their knee's.

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The Gift Of A Calm, Structured Environment - Living With Trauma

Trauma creates a cluttered brain. By a cluttered brain, I mean a brain that is full of unresolved trauma, ready to flare at a moments notice. This brain will run at maximum capacity at all times, with the fight, flight or freeze system continually primed and ready to jump in at even the slightest hint of trouble. 

This frantic brain activity is necessary for survival when a child is in a dangerous situation. It is constantly assessing the surroundings to make sure nothing will catch it unaware. The tone of voice people use, their posture, the people in the room, their interaction with others and social cues are being evaluated at all times. Imagine how tiring that must be? No wonder these children have a difficult time doing school work or following directions!

Therapy, felt safety and TBRI are all necessary to heal. However there is one more thing that is absolutely essential to the healing of traumatized brains: A quiet, calm atmosphere where the child has plenty of down time to journal and think. A calm atmosphere will include these things:
-A setting where the child will be required to make as few decisions as possible
- A place where the child will not have the opportunity to manipulate or triangulate
- A safe place for the child to decompress when life gets to be too much.

Basically what this looks like in real life is something we refer to as  having "a small world." The parent makes all but the most basic decisions for the child, leaving his brain free to work on processing trauma. You say, "But how will the child ever learn to function in the real world? That isn't even practical, I could never do that! Beside's my child is ___ years old and it wouldn't be fair."

First, for a child to be able to function i.e. have correct relationships, avoid the pitfalls of unresolved trauma, he will have to heal. If your child is physically ill, you keep the house quiet, keep the child quiet and supply nutritious foods and drinks to help him heal. The difference between physical illness and trauma is that most illnesses do not last for years. In a few days or weeks your child is up and running and you can go back to normal life. Trauma typically isn't healed in weeks or even months. If you required your physically ill child to lead a normal lifestyle, chances are he would become more ill as time goes on. Our traumatized children's brains are the same way. If we do not provide the things they need to heal, they continue to add new trauma's.

For those who say it isn't practical -  Remember you cannot provide this with the life style of a "typical" family. You have to revamp your parenting, perhaps rearrange your house and continually debrief with your spouse. It isn't easy, but as time goes on you will see your child begin to heal and realize that it is so worth it.

Each family has to decide how this will look for their child. every child is different and each will have his own unique struggles. Be prepared to face opposition when you begin enforcing strict boundaries for your child. When you begin to second guess yourself, here is what a friend told me, "Look at this quiet lifestyle as a gift to your child, versus a consequence for poor choices." She is right. As I mentioned before, if your child was physically ill you would provide the setting he needs to heal. I will agree that there is a difference though, because a physically ill child will agree to the healing methods whereas a traumatized child may have a fair amount of resistance to the idea! You will need to keep the long term goal in mind that though the present may be unpleasant, you are bettering your child's future.

Some children with trauma have permanent brain damage. These children/adults may require a life time of living in a "small world," because they cannot cope with the responsibility of making good choices in the outside world. If you have a child like this, remind yourself that you are giving them a gift by providing an environment where they can thrive.

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Knowing The Why Behind Negative Behavior Doesn't Lessen The Pain

"Knowing the reason behind the behavior does not lessen the pain of parenting a traumatized child,"

- They are intentionally pushing you away because they are afraid to get close.... 
True, but have you ever been in a situation where someone is "allowed" to dish out abuse 24/7 and you are expected to take it and told to love the person more? Most people who find themselves in such a situation know why their child is treating them so badly and because of that knowledge they can rise above it. Of course there are times when it is just too much and they crash but what they cannot bear is when they are told to love their child more, or "If you would stop expecting them to make bad choices, they would." Or, "He/she is always so sweet, maybe you should get some therapy for yourself," insinuating that perhaps you are the problem. If their is a family in your life who has a severely traumatized child, especially if they have attachment difficulties, give the parent some extra grace. Try believing the parent, give them the benefit of the doubt. When the child realizes you are no longer doubting what his parents say, you may have the opportunity to experience the behaviors that once seemed so preposterous.

Lying. Over the top, ridiculous lying.
   I know why they lie, I know it is a survival skill but when you have a child who always lies it is hard not to become frustrated. Some children lie because they have brain damage, some lie because it is their way of controlling their world while other's use their lie's to bring chaos and pain into the home. I have had children lie about nonissue's and others lied about things that could have had serious repercussions if we would have taken their words at face value. Many children who have attachment issues are so good at lying that they can get you to believe things that you know aren't possible. That kind of lying messes with your mind.

Screaming and raging.
  Control, over stimulation, PTSD .... you name it, it will include screaming and raging. Not the normal yelling of words, but all out screaming that makes ones ears ring. Again, we know why but knowing why does not protect your ears, nor does it make it easier to wake your child in the morning knowing the screaming and raging will commence at the slightest real or imagined provocation.

Sabotage.
   This one is tough. When a child intentionally ruins family time, his birthday party or a reward it is hard not to become bitter. B was a master at this and I would swing from pitying him to wanting to tell him, "Fine, if that's the way you want it, so be it." Tristan has a hard time with this one. He said, "Someone throws a fit whenever we try to do something fun, we can't even go away without someone acting out." Sadly, he is right and while we explained why this happens, knowing doesn't lessen the pain.

Destruction.
   Children with trauma often feel undeserving. If you give them a gift it goes against their inner belief that they are bad and unlovable, so they destroy things. Knowing this doesn't make you feel any better when you see they broke another toy, tore another book and smashed another project. One way to counteract this is to give them experiences versus things. Take your child to an event or spend a day with them doing things they enjoy. Although a word of caution, they will probably destroy something else when they get home but the plus side is they haven't destroyed your gift.

Manipulation/Triangulation.
  We all have things that we find especially difficult to swallow, manipulation and triangulation are mine. Sadly, your child will know what bugs you the most and hone that behavior to a science. We have a situation right now that we are dealing with and I find it is best to let Dean decide how to handle such issues because I can't do it in a kind and sensible way. My children know our family rules but if they can get someone outside the family to invite them to do something, they will grab at the opportunity. Most times it is such simple things that the other party has no idea that they are being manipulated. 

Stealing
   Many children who have endured trauma have "sticky fingers." One of our children had to have their hands in their pockets at all times when we were in the grocery store. I also found it wise to check those pockets before we left a friends home. Another child "finds" all kinds of things. If something is missing, we know who to confront. We have talked and given consequences to no avail. We are slowly learning not to let things out where the child can see them but again, understanding why doesn't make it easier.

So if you are one of the many who are wading through the mire of trauma parenting and you are feeling frustrated with yourself for reacting to your child's behavior, show yourself some grace. Knowledge is helpful but living it is another story altogether! Allow yourself to grieve and then pick up the pieces because there is sure to be a battle waiting to be fought.