Self Care, Healing & Parental PTSD

I have been mulling this post around in my mind for months trying to find the words to explain my struggle without making my children look bad, or making it sound as though I have completely lost my marbles. I hear other mom's share their panic and despair and I wonder why this topic isn't discussed more...the topic of PTSD in parent's, especially the primary caregiver of children with developmental trauma and/or brain damage.

PTSD is a lonely road, especially when your PTSD is caused by your children. Sweet little, (or not so little) children who have everyone wrapped around their finger. Children who have perfected the art of dividing and conquering the adults in their world, children who are so terrified of a relationship with their parents that they will sacrifice the family they have without realizing the cost. It is utterly terrifying to reside in this world. Nothing is sacred, nothing off limits when trauma is the driving force behind a child's behavior. How do you even begin to explain that to someone who hasn't walked this road? Is it even possible for them to fathom the fear that lies just below the surface?

PTSD is tiring. My brain becomes exhausted trying to keep everyone's trauma from bursting out of the carefully guarded fortress of what I perceived as a safe place. If I can keep Trauma under wraps, don't give it an opportunity to escape, perhaps our family will be safe from those outside our walls. My CPS trauma, (and I am working on that) has me terrified of anyone who has the authority to step in and tear down the supports I have so carefully put in place. I know it isn't healthy to monitor my child's every interaction with others, but the cost of not monitoring them is too high, I simply can't risk it. Too many years of too much micromanaging has only served to intensify my PTSD. I thought I was the only one who did this until I talked to other parent's who have been down the road of investigations, false accusations and deeply painful experiences with those who have the authority to remove a child, the very child for whom you have been burning the candle at both ends in hopes of finding help, sacrificing so much in an attempt to help him find healing. Guess what? We are in this together, we are all afraid because we know our children can't grasp the long term repercussions of  a threat made in the height of emotion.

Most of the training I have had up until recently, has focused on being available to your child at all times. When they rage, you must be a soft place for them to land, when they scream they need to hear quiet, gentle words in return, when they destroy things you quietly go about your business and don't make a scene. They need you to be the calm, unflappable adult who can take whatever is thrown at you. Unfortunately many children will simply up the ante until you have to take notice, until you have to intervene for everyone's safety at which time the child will turn on you scraming abuse. What kind of relationship does that bring to mind? In any other situation it would be classed as an abusive one, but when it involves our children with trauma histories it quickly becomes a gray area. After all the child is acting out in the only way he knows how and if they are to learn, then they must have someone model the correct way to react to the curve balls life throws. Unfortunately when trauma/brain damage is in the picture, curve balls can be, at the very least, an hourly occurrence. For some reason we fail to take into consideration that our brains can also be traumatized. Or perhaps that shows the great love we have for our children, we are willing to sacrifice ourselves in order for them to find healing. But I now think that concept is wrong. We have to first take care of ourselves. If you are shaking your head and saying, "I told you so!" I get it, yes I was told this for years, but what no one could explain was how to provide self care and my head was so full with keeping everyone safe that I didn't have the ability to search out self care.

What does it do to a mama's heart when she hears abuse and negativity day in and day out, but every other person the child comes in contact with is blessed with a smile and kind words? It wears away at a body. Some days I can handle it while others I want to sob, "Go find yourself another mom, one you can love and respect, because no matter how hard I try, this relationship is fraught with pain!" Then I feel guilty because what kind of a mom thinks, or even worse, says such things to a hurting child? However, internalizing the pain doesn't help either. I have proof, I tried it for years and eventually my body said, "This has to stop or else." The guilt I feel for having these thoughts adds to the layers of trauma, because I long for my child to be able to rest in our love, I long to see my child thrive.

When you swallow your feelings of pain and reach out to your hurting child, only to have him throw your kindness back in your face, it hurts. The pain becomes a physical thing, takes on a presence all it's own and invade's your relationship with others. As one child recently told me, "Mom, you think everyone in the world is out to get us." That was a wake up call to me because I know what drives that type of thinking;  unresolved trauma. I also know unresolved trauma can make a person do and say thing they never would if they were operating from a place of love and security.

As is typical in traumatic relationships, walls are built to protect hurting hearts from further pain. Our home is full of these walls. I hated them, but as long as I felt like I have to be everything for my children, the walls continued to grow higher and wider still. A therapist finally looked at me point blank and said, "You need boundaries with your children and other people and I am going to hold you accountable." If I am honest, the thought both terrified me and gave me hope because while I hadn't the foggiest clue how to go about setting boundaries, I also saw a glimmer of light at the end of a very dark tunnel. For years all of my trauma training enforced the belief that I must never react negatively when my children lashed out due to their trauma. In order to maintain that level of parenting I shut down because that is the only way one can endure such an intense level of physical and emotional pain for any length of time.

I have been praying that God would show me, lead me, to those who have the ability to help our family heal and as the months have passed He has faithfully provided doctors, therapists, counselors, teachers, friends who while they may not understand are willing to listen, and others who have unknowingly ministered to our family. I have had to release my tightly clenched fists and face my fears that in doing so our family is going to be decimated. If I am honest, letting others in is a deeply traumatizing experience for me, but somehow in the midst of that letting go and facing my fears healing is coming. My PTSD is screaming at me, "This is all a mistake, your worst fears are going to come to life if you don't keep micromanaging!" But I keep reminding myself, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome." How often do we trauma mama's find ourselves on the race track of doing the same thing and hoping against hope that this time it will be different because our training says this method should work?

For me, self care means getting professional help so I can sort through my own inner pain from the past years, setting boundaries (how freeing!!) spending extra time in prayer and connecting with God, acknowledging the hurts in my life rather than trying to squash them, saying no and most of all, building a village of people that I can rely on. That village has been a long time coming, which I mostly take the blame for, but God has brought some amazing people into our lives during this past year and for them we will be forever grateful!

Does A Lack Of Storms = Peace?

Once there was a King who offered a prize to the artist who would paint the best picture of peace. Many artists tried. The King looked at all the pictures, but there were only two he really liked and he had to choose between them.

One picture was of a calm lake. The lake was a perfect mirror, for peaceful towering mountains were all around it. Overhead was a blue sky with white puffy clouds. All who saw this picture thought that it was a perfect picture of peace.

The other picture had mountains, too. But these were rugged and bare. Above was a sky from which rain fell and in which lightening played. Down the side of the mountain tumbled a foaming waterfall. This did not look peaceful at all. But when the King looked, he saw behind the waterfall a tiny bush growing in a crack in the rock. In the bush a mother bird had built her nest. There, in the midst of the rush of angry water, sat the mother bird on her nest in perfect peace.

Which picture do you think won the prize? The King chose the second picture. Do you know why? 

"Because," explained the King, "Peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. Peace means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart. That is the real meaning of peace."

                        - A Gift Of Inspiration

This story got me to thinking and I realized, yet again, that I have it all wrong. I have this mindset that the absence of rage, meltdowns and mental health struggles would create an atmosphere of peace in our home. But in reality it is the calmness in my heart despite these things that really brings peace.

This type of situation has the power to drag you down into depths of despair. It feels like there is no way out. Well, truthfully there is no way out, you are stuck and this can produce fear and panic. When you know that tomorrow will be no better than today, the coming year will not be better than the one just past, and in fact it may well be worse, you develop a sense of hopelessness. 

When you conquer one storm only to have another take it's place time and again, you begin to give up. 

How do you get that peace when all around the tempest is raging... has been raging for years....and will continue to rage for years to come?

First, it is impossible on your own you need JESUS to give you the ultimate peace. Secondly, you need accept that this is the path God has called you too and thirdly, you need to hand it over to God time and again. Remember it isn't the absence of the storm that brings peace but having a place of refuge and trusting that if God has brought you to it, He will bring you through it.

I think I need to print this story out and hang it on my refrigerator so I have a visual reminder that peace isn't the absence of storms, but a feeling of peace and trust within the heart.

Chaos And Redemption

Most people have heard of the push pull relationship, if one can even call it a relationship, that many parents have with their child with RAD. They pull you close, push you away, pull you close, then push you even harder, it's a never ending cycle.

Those who suffer from RAD, are terrified of bonding with anyone because in their minds a bond means opening the door for abuse, abandonment and even death. At the same time deep within themselves, so deep they most likely aren't aware of it's presence, is a desire to be loved. That desire causes them to reach out for love but as soon as they receive it, their terror pops up and they push the giver as far away as possible. Then there is the aspect of manipulation... they know their parents are trying to build a relationship with them so they will "offer" their affection as a means to attain something they want. This type of relationship wears a parent out in a hurry.

While we are no longer on the "Raddercoaster" as some call the roller coaster of emotions that go with RAD, we are on a similar ride but this one is even more complex if that is possible.

This ride is parenting a child with FASD alongside a child with an autoimmune syndrome that attacks the brain. Sometimes I get whiplash from the back and forth and round and round. The hard part is knowing if the child's actions are due to fear i.e. separation anxiety, control - because they are scared of a relationship, since getting close to mom means it is going to hurt so much more when she dies, brain inflammation which makes a child feel ornery and out of control or is it just typical childhood behavior? Each and every different scenario requires a different mode of treatment. Many times the child is either unable to tell you what is wrong, refuses to do so because he is out of sorts or sometimes he truly doesn't know. So before you can go about figuring out what the problem is, you have to decide if the child has the ability to tell you what is wrong and if so, are they telling the truth or intentionally leading you down bunny trails to throw you off.

Then there are days when you have two or more acting out at the same time and while you are trying to make sense of it all, they begin feeding off of each other and the child who was telling the truth about what is going on is suddenly triggered by the lying and screaming coming from another child, so he proceeds to join in the chaos. 

There are days when I don't know if I am coming or going. I call Dean and say, "So and so is doing xyz and I have no idea why. What do you think is going on?" Amazingly he often has an answer to my dilemma or at the very least some insight into what is going on. The children know if they are successfully snowing mom and she calls dad, the game is over because dad can usually see through their antics. 

What complicates matters is I can tolerate only so much before my brain begins shutting down. My children can sense when this is happening and it sends them into hysterics because they realize mom is no longer able to handle the junk they are throwing at her. This triggers their abandonment issues, which in turn kicks up the the fight or flight response. Our two middle children may either run or rage, you never know but you can count on them to choose to respond the same way if they are both melting down at the same time. We either have two runners or two screamers,  sometimes it feels like the walls vibrate with the noise.... maybe the foundation is cracking? :)

This is all fresh in my mind because yesterday was one of those days. We were all a mess, mom was tired, the two middle children were totally dysregulated, Lia was tired, big brother was fed up with the whole mess and dad was working a bit late. It is almost funny now but at the time it was anything but. The three little's and mom went to bed early and we all awoke in a better frame of mind. Now we get to go for therapy this afternoon, which is sure to bring up lovely issues which are in a class all their own. 

As I was pondering all this and feeling like a failure, this amazing post came up in my newsfeed: God's Amazing Grace For Parents and I realized my problem, I am trying to excel at this whole parenting thing and end up falling on my nose more times than not. Where did I get the idea that I can do this? I can't, but with God in me I can and so can you!

Encouragement From God

I am continually amazed at the many techniques God uses to show me truths as well as encourage me.

Our children always seems to be dealing with something which is typical when a child has multiple levels of trauma. Adoption always includes loss and pain add in a sibling with RAD and a disrupted adoption and it is little wonder they sometimes drown in grief.

As children and adults tend to do, they try to assuage that grief by various means, most of which aren't helpful.

Yesterday at church I was encouraged and blessed by comments from various speakers.

We were challenged to fully accept and embrace our God given calling in life. I had a very disgruntled child by my side. This child had been making very poor choices over the past 24 hours leaving Dean and I begging for prayers and wisdom. The other three children were having a very hard time dealing with the chaos and drama brought on by hours of raging. A friend texted me and said when this happens at their house the rest of the family leaves until the storm dies down. This text came at a crucial point and was just what I needed. I packed up the three remaining children and we went to the local donut shop drive through. We went home when Dean texted  that things had calmed down. Thinking back over our tumultuous evening I was convicted to stop trying to create what I would call a typical family setting and instead create a home where my children can thrive and grow even if it draws me out of my comfort zone.

The message at church included the story of the men who carried their sick friend to Jesus for healing. Upon finding the house crowded they risked their safety and took apart the roof, creating a hole large enough to let down their friends bed. They did everything they could to get their friend to Jesus. We were encouraged to look around us and find those who need us to bring them to Jesus. I once more thought of my disgruntled child. I caught Deans eye and we both had to smile. 

Dean had a talk with Tristan over the loss of dreams, something everyone deals with from time to time. In his 13 years Tristan has had to give up some pretty significant dreams. Dean encouraged him to use those losses as building blocks rather than stumbling blocks. The message reiterated many of the things Dean pointed out as he tried to help Tristan understand why he feels some of the things he does. We are continually amazed at how often God uses Dean and I to reaffirm what the other has been telling a child. When Dean or I spend time guiding a child through an issue we usually have the child tell the other parent what they have been told. It is easy for our children to agree with what they are hearing but when they have to tell the other parent what they have learned and why, it helps them own the conversation. Usually the parent who is listening to the child tell what they learned has a few points to add and we often hear a sheepish, "That is what mom/dad just said!" Hearing something from two different people has a way of driving the lesson home and God continually gives us the words to do just that.


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When Doors Close

"When one door closes another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon that closed door that we do not see the one that has opened for us." -Alexander Graham Bell

Door and door after door has slammed in my face in my search for health care for Kiana. The therapist we were so hopeful would work out is no longer taking new clients, neither is the PANS/PANDAS specialist. The nutritionist doesn't have openings until April and the price is a little overwhelming. Besides, do we have until April? The doctor Kiana is currently seeing prescribes one antibiotic after the next and while they take the edge off the more severe symptoms, that is about all they are doing. I find myself saying, "God, we need help here and every door is slammed in my face!"

Do you know what God reminded me of? The many, many times over the years when there wasn't a way out. Each and every time he made a way. So why can't I just sit back and trust him this time? Partly because I know what could happen if we don't get treatment and partly because I am tired of calling doctors only to be told, "Sorry we can't help you." So I began mentally going over the times God has made a way when there was no way.

-When I called TAP to talk about placing B there they initially told me they won't have an opening for 6 weeks. At the time I couldn't fathom waiting another six weeks. The very next day they said they had a room open up suddenly and we could bring him in 3 days!

-When CPS wanted to move Lia, God knocked down walls and opened doors that we didn't even know were there.

-There was the time I took Kiana to the doctor, feeling certain that she had PANS but not knowing if her pediatrician would be willing to discuss this controversial diagnosis. The doctor listened to my story and said did you ever hear of PANDAS? (PANDAS is caused by strep, PANS by stress & infections) 

-When school became to much for Joseph and the school board found a teacher willing to teach him for the remainder of the school term. I was so relieved, as I didn't feel up to homeschooling him which was our other option.

-When Joseph's dermatologist agreed that his eczema was caused by stress and worked with us to get him some relief.

-A long time ago before we knew much about RAD, I called a woman who lives clear across the USA, begging for help. She had experience parenting children with RAD and was able to give me many inside tips. We talked for several hours and when we hung up, I told Dean, "I found someone who believes our story, we aren't crazy after all!" 


"Thus saith the Lord, which maketh a way in the sea, and a path in the mighty waters..." Isaiah 43:16

How can I not trust a God who can make a way through the sea?

Pursuing Peace When You Want To Give Up

This week has been been rough, really rough. There were several things that played into it, I am coming out of several weeks of a nasty withdrawal which always leaves me feeling emotional, Christmas is coming which is hard for Joseph and Kiana finished her amoxicillin which we thought wasn't helping but in hind sight we now see it was knocking the edge off  her symptoms. 

You know, it is easy to say things like:
-"Tomorrow will be better"
-"Everyone has something they have to work through"
-"God will help you"
-"Take one minute at a time"
-"Be glad you don't have XYZ like so and so does, you wouldn't want that either."

But when you honestly don't know if you can make it through another hour, those things aren't very helpful. You need tangible evidence, you need help, you need something to give, you need hope.

When you are beaten down and weary and your child goes into another rage leaving her siblings covering their ears and running for cover, tomorrow doesn't really matter. It is getting through today that is the problem.

When the phone rings several times during the day because your children are melting down at school and you don't know what to do anymore than the teacher but you know you must do something, it is easy to feel discouraged.

When you are desperate for help and the doctor says, "Try therapy," and you know she doesn't know what else to do, it is easy to feel frustrated. You know that while the doctor can tell you there isn't anything more she can do, you are still stuck with trying to find help.

I told Dean that perhaps we should pack up and go somewhere remote until mid January. Hopefully I will be feeling better by then, and Christmas will be past so my children will no longer be over stimulated. He replied, "When do we leave?" 

This morning someone on one of my support groups posted the question, "What do you do when you can't do this anymore?" Someone shared the following poem:

DON'T QUIT

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you are trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low, and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit -
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer, with it's twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a fellow turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow
Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man;
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the winners cup;
And he learned to late when the night came down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out -
The silver tint in the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It might be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when your hardest hit -
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

-author unknown

And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not. Galatians 6:9

And Jesus looking upon them saith, With man it is impossible, but not with God: for with God all things are possible. Mark 10:27 

Recently someone encouraged us to pursue peace. As of this morning I am going to stop trying to make thing better. I know that at this point in life, things probably won't get better at least not for a long time. Instead, we will pursue peace. Peace in our home - would that include no rages :) - and peace in our hearts because without that inner peace we truly are without hope.

Safety In The Lions Den

This past Sunday our Sunday School lesson was on Daniel and how he prayed to God even when he knew his life was in danger. As we discussed Daniels life, God put the thought into my head that when we, like Daniel, are in the lions den we may be safer spiritually. In our human flesh we tend to pray harder when we are in a place of danger, be it physically, spiritually, emotionally or otherwise. Prayer is what draws us to God, it strengthens our faith in a way nothing else can.

  This week has found me in the lions den regarding my children, their trauma and the role I have to, no I should say, I am privileged, to play in helping conquer their personal lions. 

I know God is in the details, he had me share the thought that perhaps we are safer spiritually when in the lions den, because he knew what this week would bring. He knew I would need something to hang onto when the lions roared.

Nothing that has happened this week came as a surprise, we knew it was inevitable but we weren't prepared to have everything come to a head at once, at least I wasn't. It doesn't help that I am weaning off of a medication that messes with my central nervous system. I have to wean a little more every 4-6 weeks and every drop leaves me feeling pretty awful.

As I was pondering this, I came to the realization that I can choose to view these difficult times as unfair or I can view them as a blessing. Today I will choose to walk close to God and be blessed, how about you?

  

A Cancelled Appointment, An Opportunity To Practice Trust

      On Thursday I took Joseph for some lab work and a liver EKG in preparation for some medication his psychiatrist is considering. In May our family doctor referred Joseph to a neurologist as he had some things going on the concerned her. In light of that appointment the psychiatrist said just to be on the safe side, he will wait to see Joseph until after he see's the neurologist. That meant we had to wait until the end of August for his psych appointment as we had a three month wait to see the neurologist. 

    I came home from the lab yesterday to find a message on my answering machine. It was the secretary from the neurologists office saying our insurance company did not renew their contract with them effective August 1, 2016. She recommended we call our insurance company to find a practice that takes our insurance. I can't help but feel that we "wasted" a whole summer. We could have had a follow up with the psychiatrist much sooner and possibly alleviated some of Joseph's anxiety and mood swings which would in turn have made our summer easier. It is when faced with such a situation that I remind myself, "You can feel frustrated or you can say, God is at work, He has a plan, I just need to trust him."

Joseph's smile that says, "I have some really big feelings going on!"

Joseph's expression reminds me of the one he had when he was placed with us 8.5 years ago. His inability to trust makes situations like this one tough. I did my best to assure him that the liver EKG would be painless but of course he didn't believe me. I looked in his eyes, held his hand and every other connected thing I could think of doing but it was obvious I wasn't getting through. When he was finished he looked at me with a surprised look and said, "It didn't even hurt!" 

On a FASD group of which I am a member, someone asked, "People say connected parenting works for all children, does it work for those with FASD?" My answer was, "My son responds to it but the effects are not lasting. Our bond helps him feel loved and connected but his brain damage makes him reject that love at times."

He knows I don't lie to him but when he is in a stressful situation, he cannot access that part of his brain. He forgets that mom loves him, that I will keep him safe, his brain is flashing the danger signal and he panics.

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Lord, Why Did You Make Night?

    I am so thankful it is springtime outdoors because in my heart it feels like the dead of winter. Storms howl through my life and the lives of friends, leaving devastation in their wake and I wonder, "Why so much pain and heartache, Lord?" 

   I have been playing music pretty much nonstop these past few days. Songs have a way of giving words and healing to my soul. The song, "Break Me Lord," has been a favorite of mine."Break Me Lord...even though I cannot understand how broken things become a blessing in your hand..."

    As Christians, we desire to be broken before Jesus, but the actual breaking is so hard. There is joy and peace when we surrender but the surrendering is far from easy. I find myself thinking, "If only surrender was a once and done thing it wouldn't be so hard, but you have to do it over and over again."

 Another song I have played over and over is: 

     WHY THE NIGHT

It's really dark and cold tonight, 
And I'm so tired and all alone,
I see no ray of hope in sight, 
Oh Lord, why did you ever make night?

I made the night so you would trust in me, 
I made the night so you would place your hand in mine,
I made the night so in the early morning,
You could see my sun rise and shine.

Lord the pain is oh so hard to bear,
And the path ahead looks grim, 
Then through the tears I hear you say,
Oh child, I'll hold you through the night.

Now as I place my trust in you,
I can see the first rays of dawn,
And I know that you are with me,
Oh Lord, I'm so glad you made the night.

   On Saturday I spent the day at a Womens Seminar. I seldom if ever, go away for the day and leave the children home with Dean. My absence stirred up some big feelings in Kiana's heart. After I returned home, I was washing the dishes while thinking over the day when I felt a tap on my shoulder, it was Kiana. "I have some big feelings, I need to talk to you," she whispered. I dried my hands and asked her what was wrong. She told me she doesn't like when I go away. That was all she could say without getting choked up so I asked if my being away made her think how it would be if I died and didn't come home. She nodded her head and cried and cried. I cried with her, I didn't know what else to do. After awhile, she dried her tears and gave me a smile, "I feel better now," She said. I love helping my children but their pain and fear has a way of draining the life from my weary heart.

   As I went about my duties today, I was thinking over the past weeks, my friends pain, my daughters pain and Joseph's struggles as well as my own health issues. Of course when my thoughts go down that path, they inevitably turn to B. It all began to feel rather overwhelming. Then the song, "Why The Night," began playing and Jesus whispered, "I made the night so you could rejoice when the sun rises, when new hope springs forth. Without the night, you wouldn't need to rely on me, without the night you might even forget me." When I look at the things that weigh me down in that light, I begin to feel a slight gratitude for them. 


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Love Trust And An Answer To Prayer

Recently we heard a message on trust and love between the ministry and members in the church. The minister emphasized that, "Without trust, love cannot grow." I knew that trust is the basis of every bond or relationship, but I failed to apply it to my inability to bond with B.

  "You don't tell a couple with marital difficulties to, "love more," because that is impossible unless they first learn to trust and prove themselves trustworthy," the minister continued. That quote could be applied to those of us who have or had as the case may be, a child with RAD. I had a therapist tell me once that  I just need to love more, if I tried harder and asked God to help me, I would acquire the love I desired to feel for B. That comment threw me into a very dark and scary place where I stayed for a long time because it insinuated that I was to blame for the lack of a bond between us.  I still struggled with this fear from time to time. The comment about love and trust, finally sank in and I can now see, why I wasn't able to bond with B.

  Kiana has been having a very hard time with relationships, something was wrong, but what? She wasn't talking and as many of you know, you cannot make a person talk if they don't want to. We had many tear filled evenings, trying to get to the bottom of her rejection of me. We used to have a fairly solid bond and it troubled and terrified me to see it slipping away. I tried everything I knew to do but there was something that she wasn't telling me, scary stuff for a mom. 

   I shared our struggles with a few mom's and asked them to pray that Kiana would open up so we could help her. Thanks to those prayers, last night Kiana talked. It wasn't anything new. We had discussed all the issues at one time or another through the years but Kiana fell for the trap of, "If I talk next my fears will become reality," and things went downhill.

  One of her struggles was the one adoptee's are often plagued with - If I love you, I will be being disloyal to my birth mom/dad. I knew she had this fear but until she was willing to acknowledge it, we couldn't help her. I gave the example of how a mothers love multiplies when more children are added to the family. "The love you have in your heart for your birth mom doesn't get less when you love me, it grows," I explained.

  I have been dealing with some health issues and I knew the children were affected by my "brain fog," most likely it triggered memories from their past. I wasn't sure how to address the issue without adding to their fears, especially since they tend to believe what they think is truth and not what mom or dad tells them. Not knowing how to explain, I took the cowards way out, and didn't say anything. I should have. Kiana was certain I would die, her friends mom got sick and died, so logically (in her mind) I would as well.

   Rather than endure the pain of losing two mom's, she decided to withdraw from me. If she didn't love me, she wouldn't feel as bad when I died. Dean helped her see why that method doesn't work by asking her some questions, "If mom were to die, would it make you feel better or worse when you remember how you treated her?" Kiana didn't have to think long, in a small voice she said, "I would feel bad cause I wasn't nice to mom."

  Dean next question was, "So how do you think you ought to treat mom now?" Kiana brightened, "I should be respectful and nice to her," she replied. Soon her face fell again, "But it is hard to be respectful." Dean and I acknowledged that this was true and Dean said, "You are going to need to learn to trust mom if you want your relationship to grow, do you trust mom?" Kiana said she didn't so I asked her if I ever lied to her or didn't take care of her. She said I always do what I say I will. :) 

   "So why don't you trust mom?" Dean asked her. Of course she didn't know why she struggles to trust me. Dean told her that when she lived with her birth mom, she was sometimes cold and hungry. When she was very small, she learned that mom's can't be trusted and because of that, she still has a hard time trusting.

  We could see the wheels turning in her brain, she was taking in and understanding what we were saying and have been explaining for, well a long, long time. Kiana gave me a hug and good night kiss before cheerfully and respectfully bouncing back to her bed. I was a little apprehensive about this morning as mornings can be hard for her but she was happy, genuinely happy. Her eyes sparkled like they haven't for a long time, my little girl is back. Thank you, Jesus!! 

  I would be burying my head in the sand, if I thought these struggles were now behind Kiana. I know they aren't. We have been dealing with them to a certain extent, for the past 4 years. I do know we conquered the fears for now and every victory will help to win the battle.

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The Blessings Of Faith

  Yesterday at church the minister shared Joshua 3. He spoke about the faith the priests needed when Joshua commanded them to cross the flooded Jordan River. We know the whole story and view it as a miraculous account, but the priests didn't know how the story would play out. They only knew what they had to do and by faith they had the courage necessary to follow through.

"It is faith alone, in Christ alone, which moves God, when you are alone."  Rex Rouis

    I remember when Dean and I had to make some tough decisions about B's future. We felt so alone. We sought advice from others, but at the time we didn't know anyone who had disrupted an adoption, so no one could share their personal story with us. We knew God promises to guide us if we pray in faith but the enemy was always there, showering us with doubts and fears. If we were making a decision no one had made before, surely we were wrong, right?

   We knew B couldn't remain at TAP, nor could he come home, so we prayed, asking God for direction and he graciously provided it in the form of an article on my FB page. This story showed up on my page one day and as I read the article, I felt God saying, "Here is your answer." Dean and I talked about it, prayed, I did some research and we continued to feel that this was the path God wanted us to pursue. 

"Faith expects from God what is beyond all expectation." Andrew Murray

  Dean encouraged me to call Cyndi and get some more information on their program. I made the call with fear and trembling, after our bout with CPS, I had a healthy fear of people misinterpreting our desire to help B. I needn't have worried, Cyndi was so kind and by her questions I knew she intimately understood my pain, she didn't condemn me or ask me why we didn't try this, that or the other thing. She didn't ask me how we could ever consider getting rid of our child, as so many others had done. 

  We were certain God was directing us to pursue Cyndi's program but making that phone call took an incredible amount of faith and courage. The quote, "If God brings you to it, he will also bring you through it," came to mind as I dialed Cyndi's number. I was afraid but the peace that passeth understanding was present as well. The same peace we felt when we were working with CPS and had to answer their accusations, was present assuring me this was God's will.

   I don't know if making the decision to disrupt an adoption should even be likened to the priests crossing the Jordan River, but I do know the God who was guiding and directing them so long ago, is still on the throne. When you have a seemingly impossible task ahead, pray in faith and God will answer. The peace and assurance God gives when you are facing some of life's toughest problems is beyond description. To know that God is leading and directing your footsteps brings such peace and joy that trials can begin to feel like blessings.

Adopted Into The Family Of God

Our Sunday School Lesson was on 1 Peter 1 and our Sunday School Superintendent compared the similarities of being a part of the family of God, to adoption here on earth.

  God provided everything necessary for us to become a member of his family. He has done all the "legal paperwork." When Jesus died on the cross He signed the adoption decree, making it accessible "To whosoever believes in him." John 3:16 But he created us with the ability to choose to accept or reject the plan of salvation. 

  When we adopted our children, we signed the necessary papers and the the judge signed the final adoption decree making the children legally ours, even though they belonged to another family up until then. While the children are legally ours, they still have a choice to make, they can fully embrace Dean and I as their parents or they can reject us. We will love them regardless of their choice, just as Jesus loves us regardless whether or not we choose to give him our hearts. 

  Our hearts break when we are trying to help our children and they yell things like, "You don't love me, I wish I lived with my birth mom!" Sometimes I long for a way to prove to them just how much I do love them. I can give examples but in their pain, they can't hear or process my words.

  Think how God must feel when we are hurting and come to him for help but reject the help he offers because it doesn't come in the form I was hoping or expecting. If we as human parents grieve when our children turn their backs on all we have done for them, how much more must Jesus grieve when we reject him and the plan of salvation he suffered to provide for us?

  

Weeds Of Great Value

Is your glass half empty or half full? I have a tendency to view my glass as half empty and think, "If only my glass was full, things would be better," or, "If only I had some real talents, then I could do something of value for God."

Philippians 4:11 says, "Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content." Ouch, I have a lot of work ahead for me.

This video was floating around on my FB page. The speaker talks about people who think like I do. They always say things like, "This would be the perfect job if it wasn't for my boss," or, "I could be a much better mom if my children weren't so needy...." Sound familiar? If we aren't content where we are, chances are high that we wouldn't be happy elsewhere either.

This morning Lia handed me a fistful of small purple flowers she found growing in the woods. They were weeds, had only half an inch of spindly stem and were slightly squashed but I loved them because she picked them for me. She saw some flowers and like children do everywhere, she picked them and came to me with her hands behind her back, her eyes were dancing with joy as she handed me her handful of flowers. You know, I love those flowers because she picked them for me, she was showing she loves me, I could have cared less that they were weeds.

I began thinking that perhaps that is how God views our small talents and gifts of praise and prayer we offer to him. As I said before, I view glass as half empty... I don't have anything worth offering, do I? But God is our Father and surely He rejoices over the wilting handful of flowers we offer Him, He won't toss them aside because they aren't a large beautiful bouquet like your friend gave. They are beautiful to Him because they come from you.

When We Ask God For Patience And He Gives Trials Instead

     After I wrote yesterdays post I was listening to a radio program and what I heard felt like God was prodding me, giving me a reminder. In my own words this is what I heard, "Patience, we ask God for it, desire for Him to pour it upon us, to give it to us a gift of sorts, if you will. But God usually doesn't answer our prayer by filling us with patience. He often leads us through hard times and let's us earn patience because like most things, we will value it much more if we have to earn it."
      The speaker then gave the illustration of someone learning to water ski, again my own words, "You are in your living room with your new ski's and an instruction manual. Even though you follow the instructions, you will have a difficult time learning to ski because you are missing the key ingredient, water. Learning patience is similar. We have an instruction book and we know what we wish to attain, but without trial's, we will have a difficult time learning patience."
     I was wishing, praying for a quick fix for Johnny's heart, but these words made me realize that both Johnny and I may learn more if we have to struggle to build a relationship. Our relationship will be stronger and more secure if we struggle to bond.
          

    The same concept goes for feeling near to God. I long to have a close relationship with Him but unless, I come to the place where I realize that I am helpless and circumstances are beyond my control, I will find it difficult to acquire the trust I need to give my life, everything that I call "mine" over to Him. How do we come to the bottom of ourselves? By being in situations beyond our control, something many of us call a trial.

   My Brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into diverse temptations;
Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.
                                  James 1:1&2

The Spiritual Battle Over Adoption

      Redemption is messy, you have to get close enough to people to risk being falsely accused. That is what Jesus did. He did not hesitate to intervene even though he knew others would misinterpret his actions and he would be judged by the people of the day.

       Jesus was willing to pay the full price, even death so He could offer redemption to a fallen people. What about us, are you willing pay the price, am I? 

       It is human nature to be willing to do things where we will receive praise and honor. But is that the redemptive love Jesus portrayed? 

     Sometimes I struggle with the ministry God has given Dean and I. I tend to think it would be so much easier if our mission was outside of our home. If the walls of our house could be a refuge from the toil and pain of the outside world. But God called us to the mission of adoption, and while I wouldn't have it any other way, it is tough sometimes.



   Adoption is messy. In a sense we are redeeming lives from the cycle of abuse, poverty and addiction that so often play a part in our children's pasts. Those strongholds will not be easily tossed aside. They, along with genetic "tendencies" are vying for the lives of our children. We are in a fight between good and evil. The age old battle between God and Satan is still being played out across the world. Naturally Satan does not want to give up one of these little one's. His plan is to keep them locked in the life of bondage they were born into, slaves to sin and self. Is it any wonder that the world of foster care and adoption is fraught with pain and turmoil?



    Just because our children are now in Christian homes, doesn't mean they are automatically protected from the trauma and pain of their past. In fact, I wonder if some of the intense struggles some families face while trying to parent and bond with their children is not a direct attack, an intense all out effort to keep our children from loving their parents and following Jesus. Think about it, if our children cannot learn to love and trust us, their earthly parents, how much harder it will be for them to learn to trust their Heavenly Father?

   This attack on our children's ability to bond has a two fold purpose. What better way to discourage a follower of Jesus, a lover of children, than to have a child come in to their home who takes everything he is given and uses it to hurt and destroy? When a child will not/can not/ does not love you and appears to adore everyone else, you seriously begin to doubt your ability to parent. When the child falsely accuses you, you begin to doubt your integrity. Maybe you aren't who you thought you were. Maybe there is something wrong with you. When you no longer trust yourself, your faith in God is next in the line of attack. If you aren't careful, you fall for the evil lies Satan is planting in your mind. You need someone to speak truth into your heart because so quickly both you and your child have totally lost your way. Just what the enemy of our soul is trying to accomplish.



Sometimes I succumb to fear when I think of what my little ones are up against. They have so many battle's ahead, battles that Dean and I have no experience navigating because we were loved and cared for as children. Then I remind myself, who is on our side and I take fresh courage. I remember that the battle is the Lord's, he is the one who called us to adoption and he will make a way. 

So friend when parenting your child feels like a losing battle, when tears and sorrow envelope your heart instead of joy, remember: IF GOD BE FOR US, WHO CAN BE AGAINST US?!



As I was pondering this blog post this song came to mind...

God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea
And rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs
And works His sovereign will.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.

Blind unbelief is sure to err
And scan His work in vain;
God is His own interpreter,
And He will make it plain.

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