Processing Trauma Memories

Last night we went to get our passports, something we have talked about doing for a long time but kept pushing off.

As Dean and I sat side by side filling out paperwork a growing sense of unease filled my gut, my brain refused to cooperate and the tension grew. We were frantically filling out the forms an hour before we had to leave for our appointment, so I blamed my reaction on having to rush about.

When we got to the library and began going over the forms together. I had a flashback of the last time we sat around a table answering questions and signing paperwork. That time we were in an attorney's office signing away our parental rights, something I never dreamed we would do! 

Turns out I wasn't the only one feeling a bit traumatized. Kiana had a rough evening. Over the top giggling can signal dysregulation every bit as much as does meltdowns and raging. She went from giggling hysterically to sobbing hysterically, a sure sign that something was going on.

I finally sat her down and asked her what was wrong. Of course she gave the answer I expected, "Nothing!" I tried rephrasing my question but she wasn't ready to talk. I told her to sit and tap, which gets the two sides of the brain to communicate. My children don't like tapping when something is bugging them because their mode of coping is to bury and stuff their anxiety. They know tapping will get their brain to thinking, something they want to avoid at all costs. Of course Kiana responded to my request to tap with defiance and rage, anything to avoid complying with me.

I left her sit and rage for awhile and when I noticed she was calming down I called her over and said, "Something is bothering you, I have a good idea what it is but I want you to try to figure it out." When helping someone work through a trigger/memory it is best if they can figure out what is behind the emotion because this means they are processing the information. If you just tell them, they don't work through the steps on their own. You may need to coach the person along which is what often happens with our children, but we try to get them to do as much thinking on their own as possible.

She denied that she had any idea what was bothering her, but we have learned to know our children well enough that we usually know when they do not know the answer to a question, when they are being stubborn or when the answer is just to hard to say. Kiana's issue was obviously the latter.

I told her that I think going to sign those papers scared her. I asked why she thinks she felt so scared, and she shrugged her shoulders. "What were you thinking about when you had that scared feeling?" I asked. She mumbled, "My mom." Ahh, so I was was on the right track!

"What did your mom have to do with signing those papers?" I asked. "Maybe you were telling her how I act....." she replied. "Hmmm, and why would that make you afraid?" Her lip was trembling so I waited until she whispered, "You might give me back to her."

I had figured that was her problem all along but I didn't want to give her any idea's, plus as I said before, it is best if the person works through their problems themselves. We went over the how's and why's of adoption again and Kiana burst out, "It is just like buying and selling animals! You buy an animal and then you sell it again, adoption is the same way!"

I left her talk for awhile then said, "Since you are comparing adoption to selling animals, let's think about it. If a cow has a calf and won't let her drink milk, is it better to give the calf to a cow who will take care of her or should the farmer leave the calf die?" She didn't hesitate, "You should give her to a cow who will take care of her!"

"Right, because a little calf will die without milk to drink. How about when the calf is half grown and can take care of herself some of the time. Should the calf go back to her birth mom or stay with the mama who has been taking care of her all along?" Kiana started to say, "She should stay with the mom who is taking care of her," but suddenly realized where the conversation was heading and back pedaled. "She should go to her birth mom!!!" Let me add here that Kiana, like many adopted children, has an attachment with her birth mom and would like to live with her but at the same time fears having to go back. It is a complicated emotion for a child to work through.

"What if the calf's birth mom still has a hard time caring for her?" I asked next. Kiana said quietly, "I guess she should stay with the mom who has been taking good care of her."

I agreed then said, "Did we ever get rid of a child?" Kiana's eye's welled with tears and she nodded, "Braden left." 

"Yes he did," I agreed, "But do you remember why he left?" Kiana said, "Because he had a big hurt in his heart." 

"Who else has a big hurt in their heart?" I asked. "Me," Kiana whispered. "That must be a scary feeling," I acknowledged. "Did you know that when Braden left he didn't even cry? He was so happy to be moving to a new family." 

"He is mean!" Kiana cried. "No Kiana, he was hurting," I  said and went on to explain attachment in as simple words as I could.

"It is really hard for mom to explain, but someday when you are older you will be able to understand," I finished. "For now you have a choice, trust mom when she says that you will never go to a new home, but it was the best thing for Braden; or don't trust mom and let your worry and fear grow bigger."

"I will try to trust you, but it is really hard!" Kiana said. 

We ended our conversation with our usual hugs and she seemed to feel better but I know this will be an ongoing conversation. 

Sometimes I can't help but wonder why must life be so difficult for the children God has entrusted into our care. So often I feel as though I am bumbling along making things worse instead of better, but then I remember that God can take my feeble efforts and bring healing to hurting hearts.

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Why It Is So Important To Resolve Your Own Trauma When Parenting Children With Attachment Disorders

An online friend recently posted something I found very insightful. She basically said that the reason a child with an attachment disorder is so difficult to parent boils down to one simple thing, your own trauma. At first I was ready to go up in arms and set her straight but the more I thought about it, the more I realized how right she was. 

Why? It is as simple and complicated as this, a child with attachment difficulties has honed his manipulation and triangulation skills to a science so he will know exactly where your sore spots are located.

What are sore spots? They are area's that are painful due to past trauma. In trauma language, they are called triggers. We all have triggers, some are not as intense as others, while others are so incredibly painful that the mere mention of a similar happening puts the individual right back in the situation and he reacts as though it were happening all over again.

For instance if your sore spot or trigger is being yelled at, your child will quickly learn that when he directs derogatory comments at you, he will get a reaction. That is what he wants because a reaction means the wall he is attempting to build between the two of you for the sole purpose of keeping you from accessing his trigger (attachment), now has another layer.

If yelling doesn't affect you, your child most likely won't use yelling as a means of keeping that wall in place because he knows he won't get a reaction from you.

See, a reaction is what children with attachment disorders are seeking. A reaction means they have achieved their goal... making you angry and second, keeping the barrier between the two of you in place.

After you have parented such a child for awhile, you become adept at hiding your anger and frustration. This should solve the problem, right? Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. You see, by this time your child has learned to read you like an open book. He can sense when you are frustrated or upset with something he has done but are doing your best to hide it. So guess what he does? He pushes the issue harder and harder until you fear you will go crazy, and then he stands back and smiles because even though you may never show an outward reaction, he knows he has succeeded. Now, this may sound like children with attachment issues are nasty people, they aren't, but their behaviors can be! Remember they are doing this to protect their trauma trigger, which is attachment/bonding.

This is why it is vital for you to have a good therapist for yourself. You need someone who is removed from the situation to give you sound advice, someone that is in no way swayed by your trauma triggers. You also need someone who is qualified to help you overcome these triggers. Triggers are unresolved trauma. The key word is unresolved, because all trauma can be worked through. If the pain cannot be totally eradicated, it can at least be brought to a level where you will no longer react negatively when your sore spot is pushed. 

This means you will be able to remain calm and focused when your child does his best to push you away. This means you will be able to help lead him to healing rather than triggering one another.

I know this is not as simple as it sounds because living with a child who is determined to push you away is incredibly difficult. But I find knowing the reason behind why my child acts, and I react as I do, gives me another tool to help my child overcome his attachment difficulties.

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Why Parents Of Attachment Challenged Children Are At Risk

A mother recently shared that when her child with RAD was still at home she realized she was as capable of evil as any other person. A child/teen/adult with attachment disorder will do anything to gain control. There are reasons for this which I won't go into here, but suffice it to say a child who has reached this level of control has already undergone tremendous pain of his own and is terrified of a relationship with anyone.

We read horrible stories in the news and say, "What is wrong with people, how could they do something so terrible to a child?" I am not in any way condoning such actions but I can see how parents reach the brink of snapping and why some cross the line.

When we had our forensic evaluation prior to adopting Lia, the man who did the evaluation said most people don't intentionally abuse their children. The line between discipline and abuse can be so fine that many people aren't aware they have even crossed it. When their child's behavior continues to intensify, they increase disciplinary measure's which quickly crosses over into abuse. 

You say, how can that happen? I think for many people it is unimaginable because they have never been responsible for a child who daily, hourly pushes them to the brink of snapping, then steps back, smirks to himself and pushes just a wee bit further. It begins to feel like a game of cat n mouse, with you as the parent being the mouse. You are on hyper alert at all times because you know your child is capable of doing bodily or emotional damage to you and your family. It is a control battle and when the child knows he has you on edge he will do things just to see if he can make you lose control. He knows if he can make you crack he is in control and that makes him feel powerful. 

When you are fearful of what your child may do and he goes out of his way to scare you or let you know he is watching you, it is enough to unnerve you. 

When your child refuses to eat then begs for food or eats from the trash can you soon begin to feel bitter. Worse yet, if CPS is watching your family such behavior signifies to them that you aren't caring for your child.

Or your child may scream and rage but be as nice as pie when anyone else walks in the door. He may set you up to look like an awful parent when in reality you are doing everything in your power to provide him with a good home. In that environment resentment can quickly gain a foot hold.

Year after year of this behavior wears a person down, especially when the professionals and other people who are supposed to help you insist that there is nothing wrong with your child. Or they may acknowledge there is a problem but say they can't help you leaving you trapped in a cycle of fear and abuse. 

Eventually you get to the place where you no longer trust yourself. When you have been pushed to the point of hurting your child time and again, you begin to doubt your ability to control your actions. Then thoughts of how much easier life would be without your child begin creeping into your head. You ask for help but no one believes you or worse questions you or threatens to take your remaining children. This leaves you feeling that just maybe you are the problem. Maybe there really is something wrong with you and then you lose sight of who you really are. When you can no longer tell fact from fiction and are doing whatever it takes to keep your child from hurting your family, sometimes using methods you never would have dreamed of, you lose sight of reality. You fear you will hurt your child, so you contemplate taking your own life to prevent that from happening. Besides, getting away from this situation looks more appealing all the time. 

And then one day you crack mentally, physically and emotionally and do something you never would have done in your right mind. Then you become a statistic, a newspaper article.... and folks say how could someone do something so horrible. Now you know.

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Attachment And Attention

Attachment disorders are caused by a break in the bonding process, which causes a child to view adults as untrustworthy. These children still crave love and affirmation, but fear getting it from the primary caregivers - the parents. Because of this fear, they try to get it from other people. This is referred to as a lack of stranger danger. "Stranger," doesn't necessarily mean someone unknown to the child. A stranger in this instance is basically anyone besides mom and dad.

Our children are pro's at seeking out attention from other people. Joseph does this by acting childish, Kiana does it by being sweet and putting on an innocent air. While our children's attention seeking behaviors appear very obvious to us, other people usually do not pick up on them. 

Kiana has been having a tough time accepting my love lately. She is feeling rejected by her birth mom and want's nothing to do with my "second hand" mothering. While she is actively pushing me away, she still craves affection. 

We live in a long stone lane which we share with several other families. The girls were playing at the end of our immediate drive the other day, and I told Kiana that they must come closer to the house. The next time I looked out the window, our neighbor E, was standing on our drive chatting with the girls. Red flags went up as it is very unusual for her to come and chat with the children, since she is aware of their attention seeking behaviors. I kept an eye on the situation and after she left I called Kiana inside. She was barely in the door before she said, "I didn't tell her to come up!" Which I knew meant she had done just that. We talked for a bit and Kiana admitted that she told Lia to tell E to come talk with them. Lia of course had no qualms about yelling down the drive.

"Why did you tell E to come?" I asked Kiana. She insisted she didn't know and I believed her, but I wanted to help her understand her actions so I continued pressing for an answer. After giving various answers, I helped her out. "I think you are needing some love and since you won't let mom love you, you are trying to get it from other people." She was quiet for a moment and I could see understanding dawning. I wish I could say she changed her ways but as is typical for children with attachment difficulties, knowing that I had her behavior figured out made her feel threatened and things continued down hill.

This is a prime example of why we keep our children nearby. Joseph has zero stranger danger awareness, while Kiana only tries to get attention from others when she is emotionally unwell. While Kiana enjoyed the attention she received from E, she doesn't like how she feels now. Guess who gets to clean up the mess? Mom, the one whom she already has a problem with. I could have called her inside while E was still here and I briefly considered it but I knew doing so might make my neighbor say it was quite alright that the girls wanted her to come up, which is the last thing she needed. When the people she is trying to get attention from tell Dean or I that it is okay if she does xyz, it gives her someone else to manipulate.

Chaos And Redemption

Most people have heard of the push pull relationship, if one can even call it a relationship, that many parents have with their child with RAD. They pull you close, push you away, pull you close, then push you even harder, it's a never ending cycle.

Those who suffer from RAD, are terrified of bonding with anyone because in their minds a bond means opening the door for abuse, abandonment and even death. At the same time deep within themselves, so deep they most likely aren't aware of it's presence, is a desire to be loved. That desire causes them to reach out for love but as soon as they receive it, their terror pops up and they push the giver as far away as possible. Then there is the aspect of manipulation... they know their parents are trying to build a relationship with them so they will "offer" their affection as a means to attain something they want. This type of relationship wears a parent out in a hurry.

While we are no longer on the "Raddercoaster" as some call the roller coaster of emotions that go with RAD, we are on a similar ride but this one is even more complex if that is possible.

This ride is parenting a child with FASD alongside a child with an autoimmune syndrome that attacks the brain. Sometimes I get whiplash from the back and forth and round and round. The hard part is knowing if the child's actions are due to fear i.e. separation anxiety, control - because they are scared of a relationship, since getting close to mom means it is going to hurt so much more when she dies, brain inflammation which makes a child feel ornery and out of control or is it just typical childhood behavior? Each and every different scenario requires a different mode of treatment. Many times the child is either unable to tell you what is wrong, refuses to do so because he is out of sorts or sometimes he truly doesn't know. So before you can go about figuring out what the problem is, you have to decide if the child has the ability to tell you what is wrong and if so, are they telling the truth or intentionally leading you down bunny trails to throw you off.

Then there are days when you have two or more acting out at the same time and while you are trying to make sense of it all, they begin feeding off of each other and the child who was telling the truth about what is going on is suddenly triggered by the lying and screaming coming from another child, so he proceeds to join in the chaos. 

There are days when I don't know if I am coming or going. I call Dean and say, "So and so is doing xyz and I have no idea why. What do you think is going on?" Amazingly he often has an answer to my dilemma or at the very least some insight into what is going on. The children know if they are successfully snowing mom and she calls dad, the game is over because dad can usually see through their antics. 

What complicates matters is I can tolerate only so much before my brain begins shutting down. My children can sense when this is happening and it sends them into hysterics because they realize mom is no longer able to handle the junk they are throwing at her. This triggers their abandonment issues, which in turn kicks up the the fight or flight response. Our two middle children may either run or rage, you never know but you can count on them to choose to respond the same way if they are both melting down at the same time. We either have two runners or two screamers,  sometimes it feels like the walls vibrate with the noise.... maybe the foundation is cracking? :)

This is all fresh in my mind because yesterday was one of those days. We were all a mess, mom was tired, the two middle children were totally dysregulated, Lia was tired, big brother was fed up with the whole mess and dad was working a bit late. It is almost funny now but at the time it was anything but. The three little's and mom went to bed early and we all awoke in a better frame of mind. Now we get to go for therapy this afternoon, which is sure to bring up lovely issues which are in a class all their own. 

As I was pondering all this and feeling like a failure, this amazing post came up in my newsfeed: God's Amazing Grace For Parents and I realized my problem, I am trying to excel at this whole parenting thing and end up falling on my nose more times than not. Where did I get the idea that I can do this? I can't, but with God in me I can and so can you!

Gifts, A Detriment To Building A Bond - Life With Attachment Disorder

Today's post is about gifts, be it a piece of candy, a card, note, toy or key chain, book or snack.......

As anyone who has parented a child with RAD, or a lesser form of attachment disorder knows, the subject of gifts is a touchy one.

The reason is as simple and complicated as this: A healthy well attached infant views the world and those who inhabit his world as safe. He assumes everyone is out to make the world a better, safer place for him. The child who has no bond, or an unhealthy one, is quite the opposite. His world is a scary place where he has to outsmart and manipulate everyone before they have the opportunity to hurt him. He views people as "things" objects to use to fulfill his desires rather than people with whom he can have a close and loving relationship.

As the parent of a child with RAD, it was scary to watch the manipulation and triangulation in progress, what was even more terrifying was how easily he could do this and the adults didn't even know they had been had.

Children with attachment disorder as well as those from hard places, as we adoptive parents refer to the difficult situations our children came from, find gifts to be one of the ultimate tools to use against their parents who are trying their best to form a bond with the child. These children prefer gifts over other forms of bonding that may encourage a relationship with their parents. The only thing better is receiving something from someone other than mom and dad.

Why would they value things given to them by someone else over what is given by their parents, you ask. Because, and this is especially true for the child in therapy who knows that good things are only supposed to come from mom, they assume the giver is on their side. 

As parents, we have to work very hard to teach our children that things do not equal love. I am not sure if this comes from deprivation, or if things just feel safer because they don't require a relationship. Two of our children struggle with this, one because of the whole relationship thing and the other because FASD prevents him from forming a strong bond.

Then there is how the parent feels....when you have a child with attachment issues, by necessity, you have to parent them differently. This includes what looks to many like a very deprived life. A life devoid of over stimulation, a lack of opportunities to manipulate people and few possessions. The latter is because of their penchant for wanting stuff over relationships as well as the fact that this "stuff" is often destroyed either in a fit of rage, used as a means of manipulation or as a way of portraying their feelings of lack of self worth.

When you limit your child's possessions to a few items that are safe for them and they acquire new things from other people it makes it hard to be sure your child is safe. We have to be very careful with Joseph because he can and will turn any object into something with which he can hurt himself or others. 

While we realize most people mean well, it is hard when they give our attachment child special attention and gifts. This child who has made life so hard for you, who is actively pushing you away is now putting on his charm and using it to gain not only possessions, but is secretly getting people on his side. Whether or not the giver realizes it, the child is using them to put up another layer between him and his parents. While we yearn for our children to be able to give and accept gifts like emotionally healthy children can, we know they must first develop the crucial bond with their parents, everything else comes in second.

One of our children is a master at getting things from other people. She uses various methods and then Dean and I have to try and figure out where she got an item, if the story is as she told it and then work on repairing the damage to our relationship. She naturally doesn't feel safe if she can do things under our noses and not get caught. We have become very adept at deciphering what will encourage or hinder the bond building process that is in progress all day, every day. 

So if you know a child who has either full blown RAD or struggles with attachment and the parents have rules in place that may seem unnecessary or even unjust, remember these rules are implemented to help the child build a bond with his parents, something that is vital to his well being.

Why My Son Doesn't Play With Your Child

    It is tough parenting a child with hidden special needs, especially when those needs involve brain damage to the extent that it prevents the child from thriving in a typical childhood setting. 

   Ever since our problems with CYS, I battle a paranoia that someone will misinterpret our parenting and report us. After you have been reported once, your trust in fellow man has been broken. As the saying goes, "Trust is something that isn't easily fixed."

  Dean told me to view it this way, "If Joseph had diabetes we wouldn't allow people to give him candy because it could make him very sick. Attention from others interferes with the ongoing attachment struggles Joseph has. Candy could make him physically sick if he had diabetes, attention can make him mentally/emotionally sick because he has attachment problems." That example has helped me keep things in perspective more than once. Putting your arm around Joseph or giving him a hug seems like such a small thing, just as a piece of candy can seem like a small things, but the effects can be devastating.

  Joseph cannot handle very much stimulation before he either melts down or gets into trouble. The other day I was trying to think of an example to explain his disability in this area. This is what I came up with; "Emotionally healthy people have a 5 gallon can of antidote for over stimulation. What we don't use one day can be poured into the next days can, thus allowing us to have a day packed full of activities and not overwhelm our senses. Due to his FASD Joseph has only 2 ounces of this antidote and he needs every drop of those 2 ounces just to make it through each day. Playing with his siblings can take 4 ounces of antidote, attending a party requires at least 3 gallons due to his brain damage. As he has only 2 ounces to begin with, his supply is quickly depleted and his sense's begin shutting down or he goes into an all out rage. Even this wouldn't be so bad, but he needs several gallons of antidote to regain his equilibrium after such an episode. Sadly, since he is already running on empty he doesn't have any reserve. 

   So when you see us keeping Joseph by our side, this is part of the reason why. Children with FASD (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder) usually have good days and bad days meaning, sometimes they can do a certain task and the next day they may not have the mental/physical ability to do the very same thing. Sometimes I can tell Joseph to put his school clothing on and other days I have to lay it out for him, perhaps even dress him because he simply is unable to do so. The more we allow him to become over stimulated, the more bad days he has. Playing on the slide with a group of children may seem like a small matter, but for a child who suffers damage to the part of his brain that regulates his emotions, it may be enough to bring about several "bad days." 

    It is hard to know what is best for Joseph. Do we allow him to participate and have several rough days, or should we keep him calm thus allowing him to enjoy the rest of his week. Thus far the answer has been to do a little of both.


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Filling My Daughters Love Tank

In a social context, trust has several connotations. Definitions of trust typically refer to a situation characterized by the following aspects: One party (trustor) is willing to rely on the actions of another party (trustee); the situation is directed to the future. In addition, the trustor (voluntarily or forcedly) abandons control over the actions performed by the trustee. As a consequence, the trustor is uncertain about the outcome of the other's actions; they can only develop and evaluate expectations. The uncertainty involves the risk of failure or harm to the trustor if the trustee will not behave as desired. Vladimir Ilych Lenin expressed this idea with the sentence “Trust is good, control is better”. 
Taken from: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trust_(emotion) 

  "Trust is good, control is better"

That describes our children perfectly. Control feels safer to them, when they are in control they can predict the outcome, if they are merely trusting us, the outcome could be something much different than they desire.

The subject of B came up last night. We talk about him from time to time and as happens with grief, the bad times tend to become dimmer as time passes. As the negative memories fade, coupled with the trust issues our children have they naturally have questions. A wise mom who has been through a similar situation strongly advised us to talk about B and not shove the past into a closet. 

   Last night Kiana was struggling with the whole adoption/abandonment/B issue. In her mind those things all get lumped into one "big feeling," that we need to unpack piece by piece over and over again. Her brain has trouble categorizing her memories and emotions into the correct "brain drawers." When she is battling one of the adoption/abandonment/B memories, the other two need to be acknowledged and worked through as well.

   It all started when Tristan found an empty snail shell on a hike and gave it to Lia. Kiana equates love with gifts so when Tristan gave Lia the shell, she knew he didn't like her as much as he likes Lia and the adoption/abandonment/B memory was triggered. She was unable to work through the ensuing emotions so it all came out behaviorally.

  When we got home from our walk, she and I sat down to hash out this by now very familiar set of emotions. She had to think awhile before she was able to figure out what had triggered her but with my help she said she was angry that Tristan gave the shell to Lia and not her.

  I told her that everyone has love tanks, just like our explorer has a gas tank.

 "If I put gas in the explorer will that gas last forever or will I need to put more in it?" I asked.

 "You will need to put more gas in because the tank will get empty."

  "Right, and you have a love tank that is just like the explorers gas tank, we put love into your tank but it gets used up and we need to keep pouring more into it. Your tank gets filled up quickly when we give you gifts because that is the kind of gas your tank likes best but there are other kinds of love such as," and I helped her think of some like, quality time, hugs and talking together. 

"Your tank needs to learn that there are more kinds of love than just gifts. If we gave you all the toys you wanted but didn't spend time with you, do you think you would feel loved?"

 Kiana shook her head, "That wouldn't be nice!"

  "God made our bodies to need lot's of different kinds of love, that is why mom and dad don't always give the gift kind of love, we take you hiking like we did tonight and we sit and talk like we are doing right now."

  "Why did B have to leave?" Was Kiana's next question. 

"He didn't want our love," I explained, "Our love was scary to him because when he was a little baby his mom didn't give him the care he needed. Then when he came to us he began to feel safe but I took him back to see his birth parents when he didn't feel safe with them. He decided that I wasn't going to keep him safe either so he wouldn't take in our love. He needed a fresh start with someone who had never hurt his trust," I explained.

"Why did God make people who don't make good choices?" Kiana asked.

"Umm, that is a good question to ask dad," I said. By now we had been talking for well over 30 minutes and my brain was beginning to feel a little dull.

 Dean explained that everyone has a choice to make, will they follow God or will they take their own way. 

 "Remember how we remind you that you have the option of making good choices are taking the consequences?" Dean asked. (If you are around our family for any length of time you will probably hear the phrase, "Good choices or consequences," when one of the children is contemplating whether or not to obey. This verbal prompt is often all they need to get their brain unstuck)

"Can I make you obey?" I asked Kiana.

She shook her head and with a grin said, "No!"

"Well that is kind of how God works, we each have a choice to make and He won't force us to make a good choice, just like mom and dad can't make you make good choices."

"Oh, well I just wish my birth mom would have taken care of me," Kiana said.

 "I know you do," I assured her, "And that is how it is supposed to be but sometimes it doesn't work out and then children need to move into a home where there is a mom and dad who will keep them safe. Before you came to us, we prayed that God would give us a baby because our family didn't feel complete. When your birth mom couldn't take care of you, God knew we would love to give you what your birth mom couldn't so he allowed you to come to our family."

"I am glad I was adopted into this family," Kiana whispered, burying her head into my shoulder and hugging me fiercely. 

"Me too, Kiana!" and I hugged her back. 

This little miss filled a "Kiana shaped hole" in our hearts!

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When Someone Is Over Friendly To Your Attachment Challenged Child

  How do you relate to someone who is being overly friendly with your attachment challenged child? I took Joseph along grocery shopping the other evening, as it was his turn and he had had a very good day. The three youngest children take turns going shopping with me. It gives me some one on one time with them and I learn lot's of interesting things that I never knew before.

As I said before, Joseph had an excellent day on Tuesday. He was happy, willing to obey and a joy to be around. That is something children with "improvised attachments" struggle with, so the genuine smiles and hearing, "I love you mom," were especially cherished.

Anyway, back to my question, when we arrived at the check out, the cashier looked at Joseph and asked, "How was your day?" Joseph looked at me and I knew he was thinking, "What does this lady know about me?" I smiled at him and he turned to the cashier and said, "It was good."

Cashier: "And what did you do today?"

Joseph: "Rode bike"

Cashier: "Who did you ride bike with?"

Joseph: "By myself"

                     Cashier: "Do you have brothers and sisters, do you like riding bike with them?"

This went on the entire time she was ringing up my purchases. Joseph was becoming more overstimulated and flustered with every question. His face was flushed, he was chattering away and having a very hard time staying in one spot. I am sure the cashier had no idea that her questions were so unsettling for Joseph. She couldn't know that I narrowly averted a meltdown on the way out to the vehicle, nor did she know that the rest of the week would prove to be incredibly challenging for Joseph and I. My question is, how do you handle such situations? It would be easier to just keep Joseph at home, but I know that isn't realistic. I wish I was a tactful person who had an answer for every situation, but since I haven't been blessed with that ability, I brace myself to weather the storm I know will follow.

Children with FASD often have very good verbal skills but their level of comprehension typically doesn't match what comes out of their mouth. This means that while Joseph was giving appropriate answers, his brain was scrambling to keep up. Meanwhile his insecure attachment was also causing problems. See, children are very perceptive, they usually know exactly how mom is feeling in regards to a situation. They may not be consciously aware of this, but when mom is uneasy, their subconscious is screaming, "DANGER! This situation has mom on edge!" 

 In this instance I was on edge because I was not in control of the situation and I had no idea what Joseph would say next. A secret fear of mine is that Joseph will say something that will be misinterpreted. 

   When the child senses mom is on edge, guess what happens? Their little bodies immediately react to that signal and they are back in trauma mode. This my friends is why Dean and I, along with most people who have children with attachment issues carefully monitor and guard our children's interaction with others.

The above scenario doesn't just happen with people outside of our immediate family, it happens to us quite often.

We are constantly analyzing what we say and how Joseph hears what we say because what goes in his ear and then into his brain, may not be anything close to what we said.

So in conclusion, it isn't that we don't trust you. We know how Joseph's brain works and how he reacts to situations that unsettle him. The reason for all this can be summed up in two words, brain damage.

Why Our Parenting May Be Different From One Moment To The Next

        Joseph played with his toys beside my chair as I visited with a group of ladies, one evening not so long ago. When Dean walked through the room, he looked at me, asking without words if he shall take Joseph with him. I smiled and he called Joseph who jumped up quickly as he is only to happy to spend time with his daddy. After they left the room, someone asked me why we always keep Joseph either with us or in line of vision. I was glad she asked, as to often assumptions are made and someone ends up getting hurt.

     When B was home, most everyone understood he had "a problem," though few people understood exactly what the problem was. When he spent 2.5 years in a treatment home without permanent progress in bonding, Dean and I felt we were given a little more grace, perhaps we did have reasons for some of our seemingly odd, parenting techniques. :)

   Joseph has similar problems with attachment, he certainly doesn't have RAD, but due to the brain damage he suffered in utero, he struggles to understand cause and effect. This directly affects his bond with us because a child learns to trust through his parents providing both the care and discipline he needs. 

    Joseph needs cream put on his skin daily to keep it soft and moist. He hates the cream with a passion. I am certain his SPD is part of the reason he dislikes it so much. In his mind, when I put cream on him I am being mean. I have sat him down numerous times and explained why he needs the cream, last night we had just such a conversation.

Joseph: "I hate this cream! You don't care how it makes me feel, it hurts and you put it on anyway!"

Me: "How about I throw the cream away?"  

J: "But then my skin will crack and get sore! You must put cream on me!"

M: "So you are saying you are going to be angry if I put it on and angry if I don't?"

J: "Yes, because I don't like the cream and you put it on me anyway! But If you don't then it will hurt even more, so you must put it on!"

    This conversation is a classic example of brain damage caused by alcohol. I keep thinking that if I explain things in simple enough terms he will eventually "get it." Then I remember a quote I read some where, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result."

   This is also why Joseph does not have as solid a bond with us, his brain cannot make sense of his world and he views mom and dad as the people responsible for, "Making my life hard," as he says.

    All this to say, this is why we parent Joseph as one would a child with attachment disorder, even after he has been with us for 8 years. It is easy to get the impression that we are picking on him by keeping his world small but in reality we are doing anything but that. See, we know the possible reality of his future and we are determined to do our best to give him a chance to succeed. We know that giving him freedom to sit on other adults laps, cuddle beside them or drink in the attention they long to shower upon him, will only hinder his ability to bond with us.

   Due to his brain damage, he is much like a child who has recently been placed with us and we parent him accordingly. I know what people see in public would lead them to think he is well bonded but in truth, some of his baby like, adoration of us is all for show. He knows people will smile at him if he sits on mom's lap or gazes into daddy's eyes. There are other times however when he really is at that age level emotionally and mentally so we hold and cuddle him accordingly. This is why we sometimes make him sit beside us rather than holding him and other times offer to hold him. As his mom n dad we know him well enough (usually) to know where he is mentally.

   Joseph loves attention but he can't handle it very well. As one mom shared in a book, "My daughter was at the dentist and did a great job, knowing our daughter had some struggles, the dentist praised her. I explained that the next few days would show how well she handled the appointment, because she holds in her big feelings until she is at home." That describes Joseph very well. He may appear to be handling the attention but what no one see's is the fall out later on or in the coming days. We try to prevent these fall outs at all costs because they can easily damage the bond we are trying so hard to build.

The book I got the dentist story from can be found here. If you struggle to know how to relate to adoptive families concerning attachment, this is a must read!

like my FB page: Tales From Our House Blog to receive new posts as well as view the links I share on RAD, FASD, trauma, adoption and parenting

Why Sticker Charts Don't Work When Your Child Has An Attachment Disorder

Somebody finished a chart and finally received her prize. Now her big sister wants a chart as well, I don't think Kiana realizes there is hard work involved in changing habits and behaviors. 

I haven't done sticker charts for a long time since they have such detrimental affects on children with trauma and attachment struggles. When B's mobile therapist Miss D, began coming twice a week, she was certain a sticker chart would fix everything we were dealing with. What child doesn't like to put stickers on a chart and earn rewards? A child who is trying to control everyone and everything, that is who! We split the days up into three sections and when B had a certain amount of stickers, he would receive a prize. He actually managed to earn a sticker or two, but about then it registered in his brain that mom wanted him to earn stickers and receiving a sticker meant he was complying with mom and dad's rules. His behavior went down hill from there. He made certain he didn't earn any stickers from then on. When Miss D came out the following week she looked in puzzlement at his chart. "You got two stickers at the beginning and none since then," she said, "What happened?" B of course, just shrugged and I took the opportunity to educate her once more on why sticker charts do not work for children with attachment disorders.

When B earns a sticker, I explained, it goes against his self image of, "I am a bad person," so he actively sets out to prove his opinion of himself is correct by acting out. His negative behavior is what keeps up the wall he has built around his heart and when the sticker chart suggests he isn't doing a good job of keeping that wall up, so his behavior becomes worse. 

Another reason is, the simple control factor, earning a sticker for whatever reason means following the set guidelines, children with RAD don't comply with guidelines, because they must be in control.

Sticker charts made the negative behavior worse on multiple fronts so they were permanently removed from our therapeutic techniques.

Like my FB page Tales From Our House Blog to receive new posts as well as see the links I share relating to attachment disorder, trauma and adoption

Here is the link to my new FB page for Special Needs Support Items, where we share links and products that work for our special needs children:  

https://www.facebook.com/groups/622816464548200/

Triangulation, Triggers And Trauma - Effective Communication Is Key

   Children feel most secure when their parents provide a united front regarding discipline, privileges and safety issues. People with trauma tend to subconsciously divide and conquer, it is their way of being in control. They only feel safe when they are the one controlling the people and circumstances. Anyone who has parented a child with RAD, knows these children are masters at driving wedges between their parents. This wedge serves two purposes, hurts mom and dad as well as keeping them from getting to close.

      B was effectively doing this very thing, until one day his therapist brought it to our attention. As with every child with RAD, B had a major problem with me, mom. His way of dividing and conquering was to "improve" his behavior when Dean was around. Somehow he was always able to hear the tires crunching on the gravel when Dean came home from work. Whatever was going on, be it a tantrum, fighting a sibling or yelling at me, it all stopped abruptly. Till Dean came into the house, B was smiling and chattering about his day. Naturally Dean, wanting to build a relationship with him, would engage him and give him some undivided attention. How B loved that, not that he wanted the attention, but he knew that he was winning Dean over while driving me away, exactly what he wanted. Neither Dean nor I was aware of what was going on. I only knew it made me angry when B changed his attitude when Dean was home. It felt wrong to me but I thought perhaps I was just jealous of the relationship they appeared to be building.

 When we talked it over, we came to the conclusion that if Dean was the channel through which B learned to love, it would be okay.  I would just have to be okay with being the bad guy for awhile and hope that eventually B would come to love me. That was nonsense, don't ever, ever do that!! 

    Despite my resolution, I struggled to maintain a good attitude and focus on the real reason Dean showered B with love while B in turn showered me with defiance and anger. As often happens, things became worse so gradually that neither Dean nor I were aware of it until one day Miss D, B's therapist brought us up short. You can read that story here. 

   Fast forward to today and we have a similar situation. Of course it is a different child and the motivation behind the triangulation is different but guess who was triggered by it? Yup, me. If you are thinking I get triggered by an awful lot of stuff, you are thinking correctly. RAD, FASD and CYS investigations will do that to you.

   Anyway, it began subtly as most things of this manner do. It noticed my desire to nurture Joseph was diminishing. I figured it was partly because of how tough he has been these past weeks, but deep inside I knew there was more to it, I just didn't want to deal with it.

   Dean took off work on Friday and we enjoyed having him home for a long weekend. Joseph ran along with Dean as he usually does and Dean, being busy, gave him a little more freedom than he usually has when he is home with me. And as usual, Joseph began edging towards over stimulation and I began to be triggered. See, when Dean is home Joseph can have more freedom for several reasons. One is, Joseph will not have a melt down as quickly when Dean reprimands him. Also, there are two adults around, when I am home with all four children, I need to keep boundaries a little tighter or chaos ensues. Plus the more over stimulated Joseph is on the week end, the worse he acts out when his normal boundaries are reapplied. 

   Last night Dean and I had the talk that we should have had two weeks ago and got back on the same page regarding our parenting. I am continually amazed at how quickly our "parenting structure" becomes in need of repair when we aren't consistently communicating. Sometimes we just get tired of this high level parenting business, other times we get busy or other things come up and we don't communicate as effectively as we know we should. Usually it takes small crisis to smack us upside the head and we quickly get on board again.

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Notes On FASD

Joseph and of course his parents, have had a rough week. His eczema flared up, his frustration with life and his tantrums have increased. This happens periodically and the answer is to reevaluate our parenting in relation to his abilities and how he perceives himself against what is typical for a child his age. He hears new words and concepts, stores them in his brain but doesn't increase the logic factor necessary for a child to grow in knowledge. Sometimes it seems that when he learns something new, he has to remove a well known fact so he has brain space for the new concept.

  I was feeling at a loss as to how to help him. That feeling triggers my PTSD as I remember not knowing how to help B and all the pain that went with that time in our lives. I haven't read many books or articles on trauma, FASD, attachment and the like recently, so I dug out the tablet where I jot down notes and tips that I want to remember as I study since I wasn't in the mood to dig through pages of material to find things relate to our struggles. 

   Here is snips and pieces that I found interesting:

- Getting a diagnosis for a child we suspect has been prenatally exposed to alcohol is not optional. I know there is a lot of controversy surrounding that concept but I firmly believe that if a child knows why he has difficulties in life he will be in a better place emotionally. Think of it this way, you are different than your peers.....if you don't know why you will probably feel very frustrated and seek ways to get others attention, unfortunately when a child goes down that road he generally doesn't choose good or healthy ways of getting the attention he needs. If however, you know why you "are the way you are" you can hopefully seek out ways to improve your skills and get help, at the very least, your problems aren't because you are "weird" but because your brain isn't functioning correctly.

- Children with FASD hear others ideas and/or see things on TV that they don't understand. They reach their own conclusions, which can be very problematic especially when they are exposed to things way before they are ready or able to comprehend what they have seen or heard. Our responsibility towards these children, particularly once they reach the age of 12 is to be sure they do not find themselves in unsafe situations. For typical teens, it is natural to allow them to venture out and experience new situations, then draw them back in and discuss what they have experienced, you do not do this with the child with FASD because at 12 (or whatever the age may be) the child is not ready for these things when his peers are. (Yes, there is nothing like giving advice on teens before you have one but I feel safe sharing this because we find this to be true at age 8 and I can imagine it will continue to hold true).

- Ironically, children with FASD have expressive language skills beyond their years. On the surface it sounds like they have it all together and we make the mistake of assuming that the child who makes logical sounding statements must have it all together/this remains among the greatest challenges when relating to a child with FASD. Parents need to be incredibly suspicious of what comes out of their child's mouth... Checking and rechecking for comprehension. "Just because the child says it doesn't mean he understands it."

- One of the skills we need to make it in the world is the capacity to put ourselves in the shoes of another person and respond in a sensitive way. This kind of abstract thinking can be more than the person afflicted with FASD can accomplish.

- A child's thinking is "all about me" those with FASD stay in this place until well in their 40's.

- Addictions rarely come without mental health challenges. When the typical teen tries alcohol and becomes drunk, he may vow never to touch the stuff again because he dislikes the after affects. When someone with FASD tries is, he may well feel "better" than he does from day to day, thus he is more inclined to become addicted.

-People relating to the child with FASD need to know these are symptoms of brain injury not actions intended to drive us nuts.

-these children do not need a behavior plan they need an environment plan. When your child has a bad day ask, "Did their environment offer what they needed to make good choices, were they more tired than usual?"

NEEDS OF FASD CHILD:

assessment of strengths and limitations

Environment plan

Increased and ongoing supervision and structure

Living in a family that understands the disibilities he has

Advocates for home and school

Involvement with a care management team

Medication

Rehabilitation (speech, language, OT)

IEP

Ongoing neuro/psych Evals

Functional skill building

Behavior management with focus on prevention of behavior

Prevention of secondary disabilities (mental health, trouble with law & school, need for confinement etc.)

The Lonely Path Of Parenting A Child With RAD

lone·li·erlone·li·est

1. 1a :  being without company :  loneb :  cut off from others :  solitary
2. 2:  not frequented by human beings :  desolate
3. 3:  sad from being alone :  lonesome
4. 4:  producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation

lone·li·ness play\ˈlōn-lē-nəs\ noun

Children with RAD not only isolate themselves, they isolate their parents as well. I no longer have a child with that diagnosis, something I still find hard to fathom. The other evening I told Dean that it still feels like a dream when I think of everything that we went through with B. I remember so many details, all the pain and low times but there is a haze over the memory making it difficult to grasp that those memories are actually part of my life.

Anyway, time and again, I have had moms with children diagnosed with RAD, tell me how lonely they are. These moms immerse themselves in all things RAD, trying to understand what makes their child tick. Unfortunately, they find that they need to parent their emotionally healthy child(ren) completely opposite from how they parent their child with RAD. This is confusing and it takes awhile to figure out exactly how that will look like for your family.  The need to parent children within one family differently, is tough. It is especially hard if the children are close in age and too young to understand why they get consequences while the RAD child "gets" to stay near mom.

  The next strike toward loneliness comes when you try to explain why you parent each child differently. Chances are you are already marked as "The Odd Mom," if your child has RAD. Begin parenting your children differently and relationships are bound to get complicated. It becomes easier and easier to simply stay at home.

And then you (RAD Mom) take your child to therapists and doctors, each who have their own opinion of what is wrong with your child and how you should be parenting him. Since you want what is best for your child you do more research only to see you were making some mistakes. Now you need to figure out how to change the way you were parenting, without having your child with RAD feel he got the upper hand, which would be giving him the illusion that he controls you. All this thinking and talking makes your brain tired. You discuss the pro's and con's with your husband until the clock strike's midnight for the third time in less than a week. I remember telling Dean we should have been defense attorney's, since we were becoming adept at finding any loophole that B would find and figuring out how to reword and rework our plan to make it foolproof, all the while knowing he would find a way around what we said. That kind of mental workout is debilitating and parenting a child with RAD, requires constant thinking of this sort, leaving room for little else. Just staying alive, requires all your brain power. Deep inside you long for a friend but knowing you have nothing to give in return, makes you hesitant to reach out. So you remain lonely because you feel guilty asking someone to befriend you when you are so needy.

When you meet with other special needs mom's, you feel like crawling into a hole and crying because the women are talking about the services their child receives and the progress they are making, while your child who appears perfectly healthy, is regressing. You find yourself thinking "If only braces or surgery could "fix" my child." When mom's talk of bad days, you find yourself thinking, "I would be so grateful if I could just have a good moment." You wipe invisible tears and wonder why you thought it was a good idea to leave your house.

Your mommy group shares the cute things their toddlers are doing and you want to do the same, but your mind comes up blank. You can't think of anything to share, at least nothing they can relate to and the loneliness threatens to overwhelm you yet again. 

Your friends discuss houses and styles, their hopes and dreams and you want to be happy for them, but you feel as if you have nothing to add to the conversation, because you are thankful for every day that goes by without another hole being punched through the drywall... and the lonely feeling creeps over you.

  *this post is not intended to point fingers, instead I want to share how lonely it is when your child has RAD. My heart goes out to those who are "In The Trenches" and honestly do not know how they will face another day, hour or even minute. I was there and I know the pain. Thanks to those who invested in our lives when they knew they would receive nothing in return.