Am I A Bad Parent?

Our adoption journey has given me the privilege of meeting and speaking with many parents. Due to our unique circumstances, it is often those parents who have children with FASD or those who's adoption's aren't working out, often due to safety issue's, with whom I have the privilege of sharing our story and hearing theirs in return.

There is one question I am asked every single time. Sometimes the person asks in a voice choked with tears, sometimes the question is laced with fear and sometimes the question is asked so quietly I can hardly decipher what was said. The question is this, "Am I a bad parent?" My heart hurts for these people because I am deeply familiar with that very pain. It is a question I often ask myself. On some level I know it isn't true, but on a deep fundamental level I can't help but believe that somehow my child's problem must be at least partly my fault. As parents we want to "fix" our children. We want them to be successful, to have the ability to make good choices without their trauma baggage weighing them down. We run ourselves ragged in an attempt to aid them on their healing journey, but sometimes healing doesn't come. At least not in the ways we had hoped and dreamed of when we looked into the future. When failure is more common than success, we as parents have a tendency to believe that somehow we must have failed.

We, like most families who began foster care over ten years ago when there was very little taught about trauma, believed that we could heal the hurts in the hearts of the little ones who came through our door. We somehow thought that love would be enough. How many times have you heard that quote? How many times have you heard, "Well if you would love them more," or "If you would love them the same as you love your other children," whatever that is supposed to mean, "They wouldn't have these problems" Somehow the world has gotten hung up on, "Love is enough," when it comes to helping hurting people. Folks, I am shouting from the roof top's, "LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH!!!" Anyway, 10 plus years ago we believed this from the bottom of our hearts. We didn't have trauma training, and the words, Reactive Attachment Disorder weren't even in our vocabulary. We tried to take hurting children and love them so much that they would just have to love us back. At the time the idea sounded logical, in hindsight it was anything but logical. You know how well that theory works, right? It doesn't. And so we began to flounder. What do you do with a child who is terrified of love, or feels he is unlovable? We didn't realize that such a thing was even possible, so I began to think, "It must be me. I must be a bad mom." And the seed grew and grew. That seed was watered daily with examples of why I was a bad mom. My child refused to do anything that I asked of him. As a preschooler, he would go hungry rather than eat the food I made, while happily chowing it down if someone else made the meal. How do you deal with that?

You think of the urine soaked floors in your house, the holes in the walls, the times you screamed into your pillow because you so desperately needed to release the pain building in your heart. The items found stashed behind your child's bed, the misunderstandings with her teacher, the fights your son was involved in because his brain damage means that he doesn't understand cause and effect. And then your mind goes on to think of how well your child can present in public. You think of the times your child raged and threatened you until you arrived at a friends house, whereupon the threats stopped and a smile appeared on his face. People greet your daughter with hugs and she accepts them, but when you try to hug her she either accepts the hugs but then turns around and destroys something that had sentimental value to you, or she grabs a handful of skin and pinches you as she hugs. And you think, "I must be a bad parent or my child wouldn't act this way."

You can't talk to anyone other than your child's therapist about the things that happen in your home because it sounds so absurd, and in public your child looks nothing like what you experience at home. If you do venture to speak up you hear one of three things:

 The ever famous, love them more

 Discipline more - he just needs a good spanking!

Don't worry, my child does that all the time.

You know loving more doesn't work for your child....although from those giving you the advice, it seemingly works for everyone else's child. So you internalize the idea that you must be a bad parent, because this is not working for your child. But we forget that the people offering this advice often have no experience with something that plays a huge part in your child's behavior: trauma. Our hurting children need love in mega doses, but love itself is not enough.

Discipline more. That is such a lovely thing to hear when you are at the end of your rope. When parenting children with trauma, brain damage and/or prenatal exposure, more discipline is rarely the answer. Consequences seldom have the desired affect and what those offering this bit of advice fail to understand is, our children have already gone through horrific circumstances, a consequence likely won't make one bit of difference. However we have learned to take advantage of natural consequences when applicable. If I tell my child not to slam the door and he does anyway and pinches his finger, there is a 50/50 chance he won't slam the door the next time. However, when you take the brain damage from prenatal exposure into consideration, it is anyone's guess if he will remember not to slam the door when he goes through it 5 minutes later. So you feel like you must be a bad parent because you can't get your child to stop slamming doors....or whatever behavior that you child is currently struggling with.

Don't worry, my child does that all the time. This one used to drive me crazy. One therapist explained it this way, "Yes, what your child is doing is typical. What is not typical is the length, severity and intensity of the action." All children have meltdowns, but typically not for hours at a time, over the most minor of circumstances. Even knowing this, it can leave you feeling like a bad parent because your child's actions are getting on your last nerve and according to your friend, this behavior is perfectly normal!

You feel guilty for resenting your child's behavior, this is trauma/brain damage based after all. Your child can't help how he is affected by his life experiences, and so you go back to the, "I must be a bad parent, because what kind of a parent would get so frustrated with their child?" The guilt we heap on ourselves is tremendous.

You feel like a bad parent when sitting in a new therapist's office and she asks for your child's strengths and your mind goes blank. You know your child has strength's but all your weary brain can remember is the pain and anguish of each and every day. 

And if you worst fears become reality and your child is no longer safe in your home and you know that due to circumstances unique to your family and situation, he never will be safe. Despite your best effort's you know cannot keep everyone safe 24/7. Decisions have to made, decisions you didn't even know were a possibility before you entered the world of trauma and prenatal exposure. Your heart breaks because you must be a bad parent if you can't keep your own children safe. This is the point where most parents crumble. This is not what you had in mind when you signed up for this journey. You wanted to aid in healing hearts, not causing more pain and hurt in the lives of your loved one's. All the guilt, pain, shame, trauma, distress and chaos of the years washes over you like a tidal wave and you wonder if there is hope for your loved ones. Failure looms big and black in your face, you feel condemned, judged and left to wither away in the face of this pain.

But remember you are not a failure!

-You kept your child safe to the best of your ability.

-You lay beside your child as he screamed out his inner torment, for which he had no words. Even though you couldn't make it better for him, you were there.

- You sought out one professional after the next, searching for help and healing for your child.

-You bore the brunt of deep emotional wounds, inflicted on their tender souls long before you came into the picture.

-You fought for them as long as you could. Even if your child has crossed that line, the line where she is no longer safe in your home and you need to look into other options; remember love means doing what is best for your child and the rest of the family, even if it tears your heart to shreds.

-You loved them with all you could, using your resources minimal though they may have been, you wore yourself out trying to be everything for your child and just because you were not enough, does not mean you are a bad parent!

Finding Success In Parenting Children With Social, Emotional & Behavioral Disabilities - Living With FASD

We have many boundaries in place for Joseph. These boundaries keep him safe, help him thrive in a confusing world and if I am honest, they also help us hang onto our sanity during the rough moments. These boundaries are pretty much unspoken. His sibling's don't look down on him for things like, remaining in line of vision, because we don't relate to them as a punishment for bad behavior. Sometimes I can even forget how vigilant we are, until someone makes a comment or begins asking questions.

Recently a neighbor asked, "Is Joseph still around here? I don't see him outside very much." First, let me say that he does spend a great deal of time outside, only he is behind the house in his play area where this neighbor cannot see him. When she stopped by he was already in bed for the night, as he needs more sleep than his siblings. I explained that a 7:00 bedtime is what he needs to thrive, and yes, he is still here. "He needs Dean or I to help him self regulate, which is why you don't see him running into the woods to play by himself," I concluded. She was silent for a moment then said, "The poor boy!" I was a little surprised at her comment as she is very familiar with special needs similar to those Joseph has, but it got me to thinking. 

If you have followed my blog for any length of time, you know that I struggle with the whole boundary thing. Of course our entanglement with CPS over Braden's care did nothing to alleviate our fears, because once you have gone through an investigation, things look very different. You realize you simply cannot be too careful; err on one side a wee bit too far, and things will come crashing down with devastating consequences.

I had to remind myself, "What is my responsibility as a parent?" 

#1. Keep my child safe. If he will go with a random stranger at the drop of a hat, then I must keep him by my side. If he will do or tell anyone what he thinks they want to know, again, I need to be with him at all times. If he has zero self regulation, and will unintentionally hurt someone or push them beyond their comfort zone, what is my responsibility? It isn't his fault his brain is damaged in this area and no amount of talking, therapy, etc. will "heal" him. We need to provide safe guards to protect him from himself.

#2. Help my child succeed. People with FASD have many hidden disabilities, and weaknesses in area's that you or I don't even think about. It isn't their fault. Joseph is successful, when we provide the boundaries and safe guards to help him succeed. This means putting him to bed at 7:00 because he needs ALOT of sleep, without it, he completely falls apart and the whole family ends up frustrated. People often tell me, "But that isn't fair to him, doesn't he get upset?" Of course there are times when he grumbles about it, but over all, he is much happier if we stick to his routine, because he knows he feels better.

#3. Make my child feel loved. Every child needs rules/boundaries in order to feel loved, even though I am sure every child would adamantly deny it! When we force Joseph to "act like a 10 year old," he doesn't feel loved because he inevitably falls short of our expectations. If we parent him like a preschooler, he thrives and feels loved and secure in that environment.

As parent's we often struggle with the fear of failure, especially when parenting children with social, emotional and behavioral special needs. There are many parenting models out there, therapies, diets, supplements, and the list goes on, but at the end of the day who is responsible for the child's well being? The parent of course! If the child is still struggling despite all the intervention's you have put in place, you will naturally be tempted to feel like you have failed your child. Smashing yourself into the rocks of guilt, won't help you or your child, instead ask yourself:

- Is my child safe?

- Is my child thriving/succeeding?

- Does my child feel loved?

If you can answer yes to these questions, then you have given your child a great gift and you are not a failure, even though those who catch a brief glimpse into your chaotic, restricted, lifestyle would likely claim otherwise!

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Walking The Walk Is Harder Than Talking The Talk - Living With FASD

Many people with FASD can, "Talk the talk, but cannot walk the walk." 

For instance, let's say I tell Joseph he may play in his play area, but he has to stay there. He will agree, even repeat the instructions back to me, but 5 minutes later, he is out in the shop. I ask him what I told him to do. 
"You said I may play in my play area." 
"What else did I tell you?" 
"You said I have to stay there."
"So why were you in the shop?"
"Lia wanted me to get her bike."
"Who do you obey, mom or Lia?"
"I must obey you."
We go over the rules about obeying mom, he agree's to them, apologizes and .... guess what happens? You guessed it, he is soon off on another deed of kindness. Once more we go over the rules, he says them back to me, only to repeat and repeat this scene in a myriad of ways multiple times a day.

Another rule we have is, when we are away from home, he is to play quietly. Otherwise he will interrupt people to offer bits of advice that aren't relevant to the conversation. Some people smile and nod their head at his comments, others engage him which only increases his chatter, which in turn increases his dysregulation, Before we visit someone we go over the rule's, he can relay them verbatim, using the exact word's and phrases we use, but without fail, he doesn't follow through.

When we go shopping, he is to hold onto the handle of the shopping cart. I remind him, he agree's and as soon as I turn my back, he walks off to look at something that caught his attention. "I just wanted to see what it said on the cereal box!" Is his excuse when I reprimand him. "What is the rule when we are shopping?"
"I have to hold onto the cart."
"Is that what you were doing?"
"No, but I just wanted to see...."

I tell him to sit on the sofa and read his new book and seconds later he is off the sofa, looking for Kiana's book because he overheard her ask me if I know where it is. 
"What did I tell you to do...."
"You told me to stay on the sofa but, I just wanted to help Kiana and now you are scolding me for helping!"
"It is kind to help people, but it is more important to obey mom." I remind him for the umpteenth time.

Joseph does a lot of talking as I shared in this post entitled: Incessant Talking - Yammering - Excessive Verbiage. When we are driving he tends to verbalize everything he see's, which in turn triggers a memory of something he heard or saw, which reminds him of something he once did. If we don't tell him to sit quietly, he will talk nonstop, something his siblings do not appreciate! We always listen to an audio book or music, because that helps keep his mind busy and he sits quietly so as not to miss out on the story. There are times however, when he simply cannot be quiet no matter how many times we remind him to stop talking. That is when we tell him to close his mouth, look out the window and tap his hands on his knee's. That usually works. The only thing I can figure out is that it is the addition of a physical activity to the command. Again, he can talk the talk, but walking the walk is so much more difficult.

This used to look like blatant disobedience and caused both him and us no end of grief. We gave consequences for disobedience and he felt wronged because he didn't feel he had done anything to warrant the consequences. Once we understood that in order for him to be moderately successful, we needed to provide structure and support, things went better. We no longer give him a box of toys and expect him to play appropriately without getting dysregulated by the toys with lights and noise, instead we give him something like Lego's or matchbox cars. He can have fun and doesn't become so overstimulated he is unable to follow the rules we have put in place.

If you are wondering why we have so many rules, there are many reasons, but basically it boils down to a safety issue. Joseph seems to be drawn to mischief and can get into trouble or hurt himself within moments. If I know where he is, I know he is in a safe place and he won't find things which he can turn into a dangerous object. I know that just because Joseph can tell me what he is supposed to do. But even though he knows the rules, that in no way means he will be able to follow through. 

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Incessant Talking-Yammering-Excessive Verbiage - Living With FASD

 Incessant talking - yammering - excessive verbiage

If you have a child with FASD, chances are you are very familiar with these terms. Many individuals with FASD process information at a slower pace, some like Joseph, can process things better if they speak the words aloud. On Joseph's "limited cognition days" he tends to voice every thought and opinion that goes through his mind.

For instance, here is a conversation:
"Mom did you know it goes fast?
I do a quick brain search of my own trying to figure out what he could be talking about.
"The one that, umm, it went past the place where we live."
"I don't know what you are talking about Joseph."
"You know, when we were out on the grass it flew over top."
I ask questions, until I can figure out what he is trying to tell me. Sometimes I can get away with a nod of the head and an agreement, but other times he figures out that I am not following and tries to make me understand.

On days when his brain is working at maximum capacity, we have very few of these discussion's, when we over draw on his window of tolerance, they are nonstop. Usually after multiple conversation's I say, "Joseph, my ears are tired, no more talking." Thankfully he isn't offended, but typically within moments he will start, "Mom, did you..oh that's right I am supposed to be quiet." Not a minute later he will pipe up with another comment. I have found when this happens having him do about 20 jumping jacks every time he forgets, helps him remember. 

Today is one of those excessive talking days. To compound the problem, he reads/hears/see's things and interprets them incorrectly. He was looking at a Uline catalog, one of his favorite pass times and said, "Mom, did you know W@lmart and Uline are are trying to get the whole Amazon thing going again because the Amazon thing wasn't very good."  He showed me where he read this choice bit of information and that is not at all what the article said, but that was his take away, he won't forget it either. I just nodded my head and agreed rather than try to explain what the article really said because that would only lead to more question's, more words and more misunderstandings. And I wonder why my brain gets tired!

If anyone has tips to limit the over production of words on days when the brain has limited functioning, I would love to hear from you! Also appreciated would be tips to help siblings understand and thus be a bit more gracious. I often hear a sibling say in a desperate tone of voice , "Joseph, please stop talking!" 

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Encouragement From God

I am continually amazed at the many techniques God uses to show me truths as well as encourage me.

Our children always seems to be dealing with something which is typical when a child has multiple levels of trauma. Adoption always includes loss and pain add in a sibling with RAD and a disrupted adoption and it is little wonder they sometimes drown in grief.

As children and adults tend to do, they try to assuage that grief by various means, most of which aren't helpful.

Yesterday at church I was encouraged and blessed by comments from various speakers.

We were challenged to fully accept and embrace our God given calling in life. I had a very disgruntled child by my side. This child had been making very poor choices over the past 24 hours leaving Dean and I begging for prayers and wisdom. The other three children were having a very hard time dealing with the chaos and drama brought on by hours of raging. A friend texted me and said when this happens at their house the rest of the family leaves until the storm dies down. This text came at a crucial point and was just what I needed. I packed up the three remaining children and we went to the local donut shop drive through. We went home when Dean texted  that things had calmed down. Thinking back over our tumultuous evening I was convicted to stop trying to create what I would call a typical family setting and instead create a home where my children can thrive and grow even if it draws me out of my comfort zone.

The message at church included the story of the men who carried their sick friend to Jesus for healing. Upon finding the house crowded they risked their safety and took apart the roof, creating a hole large enough to let down their friends bed. They did everything they could to get their friend to Jesus. We were encouraged to look around us and find those who need us to bring them to Jesus. I once more thought of my disgruntled child. I caught Deans eye and we both had to smile. 

Dean had a talk with Tristan over the loss of dreams, something everyone deals with from time to time. In his 13 years Tristan has had to give up some pretty significant dreams. Dean encouraged him to use those losses as building blocks rather than stumbling blocks. The message reiterated many of the things Dean pointed out as he tried to help Tristan understand why he feels some of the things he does. We are continually amazed at how often God uses Dean and I to reaffirm what the other has been telling a child. When Dean or I spend time guiding a child through an issue we usually have the child tell the other parent what they have been told. It is easy for our children to agree with what they are hearing but when they have to tell the other parent what they have learned and why, it helps them own the conversation. Usually the parent who is listening to the child tell what they learned has a few points to add and we often hear a sheepish, "That is what mom/dad just said!" Hearing something from two different people has a way of driving the lesson home and God continually gives us the words to do just that.


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When Siblings Are Triggered

What do you do when everyone in the family triggers everyone else? Do we all need intensive therapy or do we just need a break from chaos and trauma? 

Trauma, particularly PTSD from RAD takes the typical sibling rivalry to a whole new level. Throw in mental health issues and FASD and is it any wonder we have evenings where tempers flare, tears are shed, voices are raised and mom just wants to hibernate until spring?

Kiana's PANS is flaring again. I think I am just going to have to accept that PANS is going to make her life and ours as her parents, even harder. Stress creates antibodies which attack her brain causing mental health symptoms. These symptoms scare her as well as make her feel incredibly ornery, which creates stress, which makes more antibodies and round we go. Antibiotics helps lessen the symptoms but we are quickly learning it isn't as "simple" as dumping antibiotics into her. Truthfully, I don't want to have to deal with it, I am still accepting that we have another form of mental illness to work through. I have passed the denial stage and now I just feel angry, why her, why us?

Joseph's teacher is away and due to various things, other teachers are being called in and he is not handling the change very well. I thought he was doing fine until a few days ago his eczema popped up and he now has open, oozing scratches. It is a well known fact that children with FASD do not handle change well but somehow I am still surprised at how strongly he is affected by things that wouldn't even faze a typical child.

These issues make Kiana and Joseph less than pleasant most days. Kiana isn't feeling well so her first reaction is to lash out. Mom and dad can handle it most times, big brother not so much. If you respond in anything but a calm tone of voice, her anger level hits the roof and you have an all out rage on your hands. She also tends to take offense when none was intended and attacks the speaker who meant no harm. As any parent knows, that calls for a fight because, "She hit me when I didn't do/say anything to mean to her!"

When Joseph is under stress he acts even less his age, which annoys his siblings to no end. Dean has tried to explain that Joseph doesn't mean to be irritating. He is not able to process information like you and I which is why he makes faces and says things that don't always sound nice or make sense. What makes it hard though is that there are many times Joseph uses these tactics to annoy his siblings, simply because that is one of the only ways he can get a rise out of them.

A lot of the responses we deal with are directly related to the way we learned to live when B was home. Someone with RAD will use everything they can to keep a wall between himself and the rest of the family. B's favorite tools were irritating others, picking fights and twisting situations to get people in trouble for things they didn't do. As a result, we all became much more in tune to the actions and reactions of the people around us. Our children have this honed to a skill, they can interpret each others actions, before the actor is even aware of why he is doing something. The trouble is, they are sometimes wrong and tempers flare. Other times they are right and the person acting out does not appreciate having a sibling say, "You did that because you were mad about xyz!"

All this chaos reminds mom of days when B was here and we were no longer able to control the chaos. It is scary to know you are no longer in control of a child, it is even worse when he knows it. That sense of helplessness is easily triggered and I have to be careful not to let my fear make the situation worse. 

Maybe we all need spring, or is it snow?

When Our Sand Bags Are Heavy

Our family has gone through some tough times over the past years and naturally there are times when we struggle with bitterness, frustration and the good old, "Why me's?"

 Dean and I have talked for hours and hours about the situations we deal with daily. We have each other to use as a sounding board. When one of us (usually me) collapses under the load, we revamp our parenting, pray, remind each other of the call we felt from God to pursue adoption and begin fresh the next day.

Tristan is the one who has perhaps sacrificed the most. Our family isn't like other families, we stay home the majority of the time because that is what our children need. There is daily screaming and raging going on while attacking me and he feels responsible to protect me, which naturally creates a rift in his relationship with his siblings. He watched another sibling nearly tear our family apart, seen us agonize under a CYS investigation and finally disrupt an adoption. 

That is a lot for a child to go through in a few short years and he struggles with it, who wouldn't? 

Last night he had a good talk with his dad. A talk Dean and I have had hundreds of times, the "Why is my life so hard when my peers seems to sail through life," talk. 

Dean told him, "Everyone's bag of sand feels heavy to them. You can lift a 90 pound bag and I can lift 130 pounds, those amounts feel equally heavy to us even though mine is heavier in reality. That is how it is in life, other people's burdens feel as heavy to them as yours does to you. We can help each other carry our sand bags but we can't dump our whole load on someone else and expect them to carry it besides their own because then they wouldn't be able to carry their burden. We need to help each other but we must each be responsible for what God has given us. This is going to be your "sand bag" for life, maybe God is making you strong by giving you this bag so that you have the strength to help other families like ours someday. Maybe he wants you to go into the mission field and what you are learning now will be invaluable, maybe it is neither of those things. We don't know why God gives us the "sand bags" he does, but we have to trust that he is doing it to fulfill his plan."

   I needed to hear that again because like Tristan, I sometimes wish life wouldn't be so hard both for my sake and my children's. I am human and it is easy to look around and wish our family could be like other families.

Cherish Today

    A long time ago when my children were babies (I know it wasn't that long ago but it seems that way sometimes) I used to yearn for a full nights rest. When Kiana and Joseph were babies Dean and I used to each take a baby for the night. It was funny, I never heard Deans baby cry and he never heard mine but we each heard the one we were responsible for. I usually took the one who awakened most often because Dean had to go to work the next day, which meant Miss Kiana was mine. There were days when I thought this phase of life would never end. When I was up at night giving one child a bottle, another a drink and comforting yet another, an uninterrupted night sounded like one of the best things in the world.

   Now I seldom get awakened at night and if I do, a drink or hug along with words of comfort are usually all that is needed. And you know what? I miss those times. Of course I don't miss the fog brain and bleary eyes I endured the next day, but those nights of holding my little one's and being able to meet all their needs are now something I yearn for. Back then their troubles were small. A bottle, snuggles with mom or dad and warm clothing was all they asked for.

   I guess I am feeling nostalgic because last night was pretty rough around here. Seldom does the whole family feel burdened at the same time but we sure did last night. My dear husband did two major counseling sessions with two children over two different issues while I dealt with the other two little people. I was feeling rather overwhelmed when Dean reminded me that this time of year is always challenging mainly because of one thing, school. Lest you think it is the school or teachers, I want to clarify that it isn't, it is trauma.

   Tristan was feeling like, "What is the use of trying when things don't go right even though you do your best?" And I will admit I was feeling the same way. We try everything we know to do with Kiana and Joseph and it doesn't seem to make a bit of difference. My discouraged self was thinking, why do we even try so hard.

  Before we went to bed Dean and I discussed the evening. We have to be on the same page, or the children will manipulate and triangulate causing more damage. 

  "I told Tristan about something I recently failed at," Dean said, "I told him I would have felt much worse if I would have done a sloppy job. I knew I gave it my best shot and while I wish things would have turned out differently, I know I did my best."

  I needed to hear that. Parenting children with complex trauma and brain injuries can feel useless. You go over and over the same issues. You cry and pray, pleading with God for wisdom and patience only to find your child has slid back to square one for the umpteenth time. It is enough to make you want to throw up your hands in defeat. 

  "Do your best and if you fail, you know you gave it your best shot." I needed that because ultimately we won't be judged on whether we "succeeded" or "failed" at this whole parenting thing. We will be judged on whether we gave it our best. 

   As I was longing for the days when my children were babies and we were able to meet their needs, when we were all they wanted and needed, I had to think, "In ten years will I be looking back to these years and wishing we could go back?" 

  So for today I will cherish these years when things seem overwhelming and give it my best!

Filling My Daughters Love Tank

In a social context, trust has several connotations. Definitions of trust typically refer to a situation characterized by the following aspects: One party (trustor) is willing to rely on the actions of another party (trustee); the situation is directed to the future. In addition, the trustor (voluntarily or forcedly) abandons control over the actions performed by the trustee. As a consequence, the trustor is uncertain about the outcome of the other's actions; they can only develop and evaluate expectations. The uncertainty involves the risk of failure or harm to the trustor if the trustee will not behave as desired. Vladimir Ilych Lenin expressed this idea with the sentence “Trust is good, control is better”. 
Taken from: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trust_(emotion) 

  "Trust is good, control is better"

That describes our children perfectly. Control feels safer to them, when they are in control they can predict the outcome, if they are merely trusting us, the outcome could be something much different than they desire.

The subject of B came up last night. We talk about him from time to time and as happens with grief, the bad times tend to become dimmer as time passes. As the negative memories fade, coupled with the trust issues our children have they naturally have questions. A wise mom who has been through a similar situation strongly advised us to talk about B and not shove the past into a closet. 

   Last night Kiana was struggling with the whole adoption/abandonment/B issue. In her mind those things all get lumped into one "big feeling," that we need to unpack piece by piece over and over again. Her brain has trouble categorizing her memories and emotions into the correct "brain drawers." When she is battling one of the adoption/abandonment/B memories, the other two need to be acknowledged and worked through as well.

   It all started when Tristan found an empty snail shell on a hike and gave it to Lia. Kiana equates love with gifts so when Tristan gave Lia the shell, she knew he didn't like her as much as he likes Lia and the adoption/abandonment/B memory was triggered. She was unable to work through the ensuing emotions so it all came out behaviorally.

  When we got home from our walk, she and I sat down to hash out this by now very familiar set of emotions. She had to think awhile before she was able to figure out what had triggered her but with my help she said she was angry that Tristan gave the shell to Lia and not her.

  I told her that everyone has love tanks, just like our explorer has a gas tank.

 "If I put gas in the explorer will that gas last forever or will I need to put more in it?" I asked.

 "You will need to put more gas in because the tank will get empty."

  "Right, and you have a love tank that is just like the explorers gas tank, we put love into your tank but it gets used up and we need to keep pouring more into it. Your tank gets filled up quickly when we give you gifts because that is the kind of gas your tank likes best but there are other kinds of love such as," and I helped her think of some like, quality time, hugs and talking together. 

"Your tank needs to learn that there are more kinds of love than just gifts. If we gave you all the toys you wanted but didn't spend time with you, do you think you would feel loved?"

 Kiana shook her head, "That wouldn't be nice!"

  "God made our bodies to need lot's of different kinds of love, that is why mom and dad don't always give the gift kind of love, we take you hiking like we did tonight and we sit and talk like we are doing right now."

  "Why did B have to leave?" Was Kiana's next question. 

"He didn't want our love," I explained, "Our love was scary to him because when he was a little baby his mom didn't give him the care he needed. Then when he came to us he began to feel safe but I took him back to see his birth parents when he didn't feel safe with them. He decided that I wasn't going to keep him safe either so he wouldn't take in our love. He needed a fresh start with someone who had never hurt his trust," I explained.

"Why did God make people who don't make good choices?" Kiana asked.

"Umm, that is a good question to ask dad," I said. By now we had been talking for well over 30 minutes and my brain was beginning to feel a little dull.

 Dean explained that everyone has a choice to make, will they follow God or will they take their own way. 

 "Remember how we remind you that you have the option of making good choices are taking the consequences?" Dean asked. (If you are around our family for any length of time you will probably hear the phrase, "Good choices or consequences," when one of the children is contemplating whether or not to obey. This verbal prompt is often all they need to get their brain unstuck)

"Can I make you obey?" I asked Kiana.

She shook her head and with a grin said, "No!"

"Well that is kind of how God works, we each have a choice to make and He won't force us to make a good choice, just like mom and dad can't make you make good choices."

"Oh, well I just wish my birth mom would have taken care of me," Kiana said.

 "I know you do," I assured her, "And that is how it is supposed to be but sometimes it doesn't work out and then children need to move into a home where there is a mom and dad who will keep them safe. Before you came to us, we prayed that God would give us a baby because our family didn't feel complete. When your birth mom couldn't take care of you, God knew we would love to give you what your birth mom couldn't so he allowed you to come to our family."

"I am glad I was adopted into this family," Kiana whispered, burying her head into my shoulder and hugging me fiercely. 

"Me too, Kiana!" and I hugged her back. 

This little miss filled a "Kiana shaped hole" in our hearts!

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Lia and Joseph, Best Friends and Worst Enemies

      We have revamped Josephs school schedule which means he spends more time at home. It also means my two youngest have more time to argue. Joseph has the largest vocabulary but Lia knows how to use the words she has to her benefit. 

   The argument of the morning was, "Did Baby Jesus cry?" Joseph says no. Remember the song Away In A Manger says, "No crying he makes." Lia says he did cause when we went to Journey To Bethlehem, the baby filling in for Baby Jesus cried. They were both right and both wrong but neither could understand the others point of view.

     Joseph likes to play farm with his tractors and Lia likes to play doctor. Both children wanted their sibling to play with them. I tried having them play one thing for awhile and then switching but that wasn't very successful.
    Joseph tried to butter Lia up by asking her to help him with his United States puzzle, which Lia did. He even showed her the equator around the United States. :) Each state on the puzzle has picture's of things the state produces or is known for. The children were discussing which places they would like to visit. I heard Joseph say to Lia, "You want to go to Texas? That is where they catch wild bulls and pull milk from them!"

    When they were finished with the puzzle she told him, "Now let's go play doctor."
      He said, "If you come back to my bedroom and help me get my tractors, I will let you pick one to play with."
      "If you play doctor, you can be the sick person and I will give you candy for pills," was her counter offer.
    Neither was persuaded to join the other so I told Joseph to get a book and Lia to doctor her doll.

      This morning Joseph complained that his foot was hurting. He often has aches and pains when he wakes up so I wasn't alarmed. He came to me and said, "Mom, I wish I could chop my toe, no my whole foot off but I can't."
   I played along and asked him why not.
   "Because Tristan read a story about a man who had only one foot and he died."
   Guess that would be a logical reason to keep ones foot. :)
   

            I found a big bag of Thanksgiving Foam art at a local discount store. It kept these little folk occupied for awhile.

This quote sums up Lia and Joseph's relationship quite well!
 
                   

Don't Leave Me

Our house hasn't been the most pleasant place to be this past week. Simple request's such as, "Please set the table," have been met with stomping feet, loud voices and angry words. Jobs have been done half way or not at all. Ears don't hear what mom said, commands are ignored....all signs that something is wrong the question is, what, besides the obvious, I mean. Little Miss refused to talk, "Nothing is wrong!" She insisted while tears clogged her throat and ran down her cheeks. We tried cajoling, begging, pleading, writing, cuddling and consequences nothing worked. Oh she talked but she only gave excuses, the answers she always gives when she doesn't want to tell me the whole truth.
   Last night she came to me sobbing and showed me a page in the book,  The Night The Angel Came. She held up the book and pointed to a page, without saying a word. I told her to use her words because I wasn't sure what she was trying to tell me. She pointed to a phrase that goes something like this; "And then her mother turned and walked away and she never saw her again."
  Dropping the book she flung her arms around me and wailed, "Please don't leave me! I love you and I don't want you to go away!" I sat on the rocker and held her as she alternated between crying and begging me not to leave. 
   After a lot of talking, sending silent prayers heavenward and asking questions I finally began making sense of the tangle of thoughts she had been brooding over for the past week.
   She was thinking about her birth mom and now that she is growing older, she can understand a bit more of the circumstances surrounding the need for her to be removed from her birth parents and their subsequent failure to meet the criteria necessary to get her back. She has been battling feelings of anger, betrayal and worthlessness. As with many children who are adopted or in foster care, she wants to remain loyal to her birth family, but her increased understanding has brought her face to face with the messy reality that they did fail her. As an adult I can look at the big picture and take into consideration the problems they were facing, making it virtually impossible for them to care for her but she does not have the maturity to reason as an adult would and she is hurt. Naturally she is angry with them. Anger feels like betrayal to her, so guess who get's the brunt of her conflicting feelings? Yup, mom and dad, especially mom. 
   She is also old enough to know she hasn't been treating me right and felt guilty about that as well but she was powerless to sort out her conflicting emotions, so she bottled them up. Only they refused to stay bottled up and spilled over into her behavior.
   Reading the book about a little girl who was left at an orphanage brought a rush of guilt and fear to her heart and the dam broke. "I don't want you to go to another country and leave me here all by myself!" She wailed. I asked if I have ever left her before and she had to admit that I hadn't but her birth mom had so maybe I would too, she reasoned. I assured her I would do everything I could to keep her safe or rescue her if she were in an unsafe situation, no matter how much it cost me. I knew I had to be careful how I worded my answers to her questions because she was very vulnerable right then and I knew she would grab onto any new fears, real or imagined. 
   "What if someone were to come take me out of bed and I would never see you again?" She asked. I told her how Kobi walks around the house during the night barking at everything he hears as well as a host of things he thinks he hears. "Kobi wouldn't let anyone come into our house," I assured her. "But what if he were locked up in the shop, then someone could come," she countered. "True but you can make lot's of noise (she smiled at that) and I am sure mom and dad would hear if someone came into the house," I said. Obviously I can't be sure about all this but I needed to reassure her. However she wasn't reassured, she still felt unsafe. So I said, "You are forgetting one thing, GOD. He see's everything and he will keep you safe." She had an answer for that one though, "Then why didn't he keep me safe when I was with my birth mom?" 
  "He did," I said, "He had another mom and dad (us) all ready to take care of you. He was watching you all the time!" Thankfully that seemed to calm her, she asked if we could pray together and after we prayed she jumped into bed and whispered, "I will try to trust you."

   As always after such a conversation, my mind went to my relationship with Jesus. I knew my little girl had nothing to fear, I won't leave her, I will always love her, she is my daughter and nothing can change that. But she had experienced a great loss and though that hinders her ability to trust me, does it make me love her less? Absolutely not! In fact it makes me want to love and protect her even more. Jesus longs for us to trust him, just like I wish my daughter could trust me. The difference is, I am human and I may let her down, in fact I know I will sometimes but Jesus never will fail his children. He knows all about the pain and sorrow we face here on earth, he was here and experienced it first hand, plus he can see the big picture, he see's what us in our human reasoning cannot fathom. Why wouldn't I trust him?

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