Finding Peace While Fighting Lyme

The past months have been one wild roller coaster ride. I thought I knew about Lyme after all we went through with Kiana during the last two years, but I came to find out that I had no clue, none. I didn't know how horrible the human body can feel, how rotten from the inside out. Kiana was unable to tell me how she felt beyond complaining that her head hurts or her stomach doesn't feel well. She would roll and toss on her bed, throw her body against the wall, and scream. I didn't know how to help her, and if I am honest, there were times when I felt she was being overly dramatic. I don't think that anymore, in fact, I now wonder how she kept going with how terrible she must have felt.

 Lyme has a way of putting blinders about your eye's and brain, so you can only see and focus on yourself not a good thing for a mom. I have been spending my days on the sofa, pounding Heavens Gate's pleading for answer's and  struggling to find joy and purpose in life. When I emailed a friend telling her my woes, she said, "You sound as if Pharoah's army is behind you and the Red Sea is before you! That was a pretty apt description of the terror and emotional overload that Lyme is known to inflict on those with the disease. Lyme, coupled with teaching and parenting traumatized children, was pushing me under and I felt like my prayers weren't being heard. Home schooling was/is my biggest struggle and everywhere I turned I was met with another solid wall.

Then last night Kiana came to me and said she needs to talk. This in and of itself is a huge improvement. Maybe the oft repeated message, "Use your words!" Is finally sinking in! Getting off the sofa and walking back to her room required a huge amount of energy on my part, but the poor girl has only had a shadow of a mom here of late, so I mustered up the energy to follow her. She has had some traumatic experiences in life and while some counselling would be helpful, with her it is never that easy. Anyway, she said, "Mom, sometimes I think God doesn't even care about me anymore. He keeps letting me get hurt and I am not like everyone else and it just isn't fair!" 

I had to smile to myself because I had just been having a similar discussion with God. I knew I was being irrational, but I couldn't seem to help myself, now I had my daughter looking to me for answers and I knew I couldn't just give her a glossed over reply because she really wanted help. This is what I told her, "Kiana, mom has been struggling with the same feelings. I feel like God doesn't hear me either, things just don't get better and I feel like giving up. I know exactly how you feel." We talked about sin and how God gives everyone a free will, which means people will make bad choice's, we will get hurt and bad things will happen. We will lose loved one's, our health, our friends, and there will be times when life doesn't seem worth living. I explained that Satan wants her to feel discouraged, he wants me to feel discouraged, and if we let ourselves think that God doesn't care Satan is getting the upper hand. She connected with that thought and we talked about ways we can help ourselves climb, and stay, out of the rut of discouragement even when our brain's and body's feel sick. 

When Kiana jumped over to the Lego house she had built and began showing me her newest creation I knew the crisis was over, but it wasn't only Kiana that was feeling better, I was too! Somehow having to verbalize all that, having to put my self pity aside and come up with biblical answers to her questions, made me realize just how far down the wrong trail I myself had gone. 

I saw a quote recently that said: 

"We are too prone to engrave our trials in marble, and write our blessings in sand."
                        C.H. Spurgeon

I was quite challenged by that quote because in reality, God has worked many miracle's in the past year, but instead of focusing on them I am so prone to focus on the day to day struggle of putting one foot in front of the other. So as I sit, I will count my blessings, rather than fret about the, "What if's."

Another Learning Curve - Kiana's Journey With Lyme Disease

I am going to attempt to post an update on Kiana's Lyme journey. As some of you know the doctor I wrote about in this post: We Have Hope Once More! Told us that since Kiana's Lyme numbers are coming down, we no longer need to treat the Lyme. According to her, the symptoms we were seeing (her symptoms wax n wane but weren't much better) were due to inflammation, the residual affects of Lyme. She suggested putting Kiana on an SSRI to help those symptoms but Dean and I both felt that what we are seeing is not a psychiatric problem. So we began searching for a doctor AGAIN! Thankfully we found a doctor who thought he could help us without the use of psych meds. We spent 3.5 hours in his office learning about which foods she needs to feed her cells which in turn will strengthen her immune system which will hopefully be able to eradicate Lyme. In a nutshell, we can no longer "feed her with food from the grocery store." Instead we need whole foods, natural, organic foods. No preservatives, no gluten, no sugar and no dairy unless it meets certain criteria. He had history/science to back up all of his claims but what he was suggesting would require totally revamping our diet. He said this diet change would also help my brain heal from the SNRI and be good for Joseph due to the damage done to his brain by alcohol. 

I was a bit skeptical, mostly because it sounded so extreme but I agreed to go into it with an open mind. Yesterday my sister in law loaned me the book, Childhood Development: Taking The Neurological Voyage To Maturity and it emphasized everything Dr. B was recommending. This same sister in law has a grain mill and offered to grind some grain for me, plus she gave me some recipe's using these grains. All that made us feel that this is something we are to pursue although if I am totally honest, I don't want to.

This morning I was pondering this and I thought, "Isn't it enough that we parent different than the typical family, we home school because our children cannot handle separation and now we have to eat different too?" Then I though, "Perhaps changing our diet should have been obvious piece to the puzzle and I am just a slow learner!"


Kiana is still taking her supplements. Dr. B added a few and took one away when he saw the ingredients. When he told us what was in the capsules, we agreed that there was no need to have that foreign matter in her diet! He said she should be a changed girl in a year but he expects a faster response since she is a child. And so the Zimmerman family is about to embark on yet another journey! By the way, I would be totally content if we didn't have to learn all this stuff but if it helps our children, we want to be willing!

So if you have been eating organic, "whole foods," and have advice or tips for me, I am all ears!

We Have Hope Once More -Kiana's Lyme Disease Journey

Yesterday Dean and I took Kiana to a new Lyme doctor. A special thanks to everyone who prayed for us, God graciously answered those prayers! A few weeks ago, Kiana's previous LLMD told me there isn't anything more he can do for her as he isn't comfortable placing another PICC line since she developed a clot so quickly after her previous line was placed. The best he could do was to double her antibiotic and see her in a month. That didn't sit well with us, so we began looking for another doctor. How many times have we looked for doctors and therapist's over the years? Sometimes I wish I would have kept track, although it is probably good I didn't. 

Anyway, we had high hopes for one doctor but he failed to come through for us. Last week was particularly bad for Kiana and we realized we need to find a doctor now. Through much prayer, frantic research and phone calls, we found a doctor who, after hearing our story, agreed to stay after hours to see Kiana. Before contacting this doctor I had sent an email to ILADS asking for recommendations. I received a return email Monday morning and the new doctors name was included in their list. That felt like a direct confirmation from God that we were choosing the right path.

The problem many Lyme patients face is that the CDC claims that  Lyme disease can be treated with a round of antibiotic and that long term Lyme is very rare. We were told by a leading hospital that if the symptoms last longer than 4 weeks then it is a psychiatric problem versus a medical problem as the antibiotic will have eradicated the Lyme. This means that doctors who treat patients outside of the CDC's recommended treatment protocol, place themselves at risk, especially if the patient develops complications like Kiana did. As a result many Lyme doctors who use both medical and alternative treatment are not affiliated with any insurance companies, as that is often who will report the doctor. It is a complicated mess, one that often leaves Lyme patients hanging in limbo.

In light of all this, plus knowing Kiana needed help quickly, there was a lot hanging on this appointment. I was afraid the doctor wouldn't listen to our concerns, afraid she might brush us off or worse yet suggest Kiana needs psychiatric care. LymeMD explains why psychiatric drugs are typically not a good fit for a patient with neuro Lyme. However my biggest issue with these meds is the fact that I have been trying to wean off one for nearly three years now and have horrendous withdrawal. I refuse to put my child through that unless absolutely necessary. You can read about that here.

I have taken our children to countless appointments alone, several of them were even out of state. But for some reason this appointment intimidated me. I was so glad when Dean said he can take off work and go with me. Turns out it was good he did. He was able to remember many details of Kiana's illness which I had forgotten. The doctor checked Kiana very thoroughly and explained what she was looking for as well as what she found. She gave a list of lab work to get completed, along with supplements to add to Kiana's daily regimen, explained what our options might be as far as treatment depending on what the lab work shows and answered our many questions. 1.5 hours later we were ready to leave and for the first time in a long time we felt hope. Hope, my friends, is a wonderful thing, especially when it has been missing!

Kiana has another appointment next week at which time the lab results should be in and the records we need will have been faxed to the correct places - at least that is what we are hoping happens! Please continue to keep Kiana in your prayers, she was listening in to the possible treatment plans and was not impressed!

Shovels Of Dirt - Filling In The Hole Made By Poor Choices

PANS and NeuroLyme can cause some pretty negative behaviors. When you add in trauma plus other things that have a detrimental affect on the brain, it is easy to see how a child can form some fairly intense responses that quickly become habits.

Thanks to the new combo of antibiotics and supplements we are using to treat her Lyme disease, Kiana has been doing better these past few weeks. She is now at the place where she is tired of the behaviors she has picked up, but they are so entrenched they are her first response to any situation. As her parents we are learning that it works best to give her a redo or coach her through better ways to respond when she lashes out. Prior to this she was unable to process anything we told her once she flipped out on us, so we are rejoicing at this new progress.

All along Dean has been telling her that she is digging a hole with her negative choices, "Someday you are going to have to dig yourself out," he warned, "And it is going to be very hard because you have dug a deep hole." She was in no frame of mind to care, much less work on making good choices. Nevertheless, we reminded her of this from time to time.

Last night we had the same discussion, although from a different angle, she wanted to fill in the hole she has dug but wasn't sure how to go about it. I told her that every time she makes the decision to tell the truth, not lash out in anger or to obey promptly she is putting another shovel of dirt into the hole. "You are going to have to stop and think before you act," I said, "For so long you have been throwing out one shovel full after the next because you were to upset to care about the choices you made. Now you are going to have to be very intentional about filling up that hole."

She was quiet for a moment then said, "If I make a bad choice does that mean I will have to start all over again?" I explained that each bad choice is like throwing another shovel full of dirt out, but each good choice means she put another shovel of dirt back in the hole. "Someday, the hole will be full and then it will be easier to make good choices without having to stop and think.

Sometimes I wonder if God looks down and smiles when I have this type of discussion with the children. So often the things my children and I struggle with parallel each other, sometimes in incredibly sobering ways! As I talk with the children God impresses upon my heart that I must do the same hard work I am asking of my children. Sobering indeed! Other times, I may be wrestling with an issue or trying to make sense of something and as I am talking with a child, the answer becomes crystal clear. It is so much easier to talk the talk than to actually walk the walk!

When Circumstances Are Beyond Our Control

I like when my life makes sense. I like to know I am doing the right thing in any given circumstance. Unfortunately, it seems Dean and I are constantly being dumped into situations where we either have to swim for our lives, or risk sinking. Humanly speaking, the scariest part about it all is, that we often have several things going on at once so we can't give any one scenario our full attention. Spiritually speaking, this is an excellent way to learn to trust.

Kiana has an appointment with the hematologist tomorrow. This appointment is a follow up for the blood clot she developed from her PICC line. At the hospital they did a test to see if she has a genetic clotting disorder. If this is the case, she may not be eligible for another PICC line, which she needs to fight her Lyme since many antibiotics do not cross the blood brain barrier and due to her age she is not able to take many that do.

On Thursday, she see's her Lyme doctor and we will deciding on a course of treatment based on what the hematologist says. She has been on an oral antibiotic since they pulled her line but it isn't helping much. Her past few days have been full of rages and brain fog. 

Joseph has changed again, something that happens periodically. We learn how to manage a particular FASD quirk only to have that vanish and something else take it's place. The latest thing is a big mouth without a filter. People with FASD find it difficult to see their own negative actions, but can easily see the faults of others. This trait is not endearing Joseph to his siblings in the least! He is constantly monitoring them, all the while doing things to irritate and annoy them. He likes to use big words, and his immature actions coupled with his large, expressive language can be a bit hard to swallow!

Yesterday I spoke with the lady who is over our, "Home school to be." We finished the testing and she called to tell me which levels each child will be on in the various subjects. She emailed me a massive packing order and I will admit that PO made it all look frighteningly real! Can I do this?! Although the thought of another year like last year, convinces me I have to try! 

SWAN is an organization that provides post adoption services. We are in the process of acquiring some of said services which means we have to have several home visits from COBYS, one of  the agencies through which SWAN provides services. Having strangers come into our home to do a home safety check thoroughly traumatized the three youngest. This man brought to mind a certain caseworker who came and was responsible for so much of the trauma our family experienced prior to Lia's adoption. It didn't help that as part of the home safety check, they had to make sure our smoke detectors work. Even though they saw Mr. D press the alarm, they still panicked.

All of these situations plus a few others, make me tremble in my shoes, until I am reminded that with God all things are possible!

PICC Line Complications

On Saturday afternoon we noticed Kiana's hand was a bit swollen. She wasn't using the arm that had the PICC line and we thought perhaps that was causing the swelling. We encouraged her to use the arm but she said it hurt to much. When Dean tried to help her move it, he noticed her one hand was colder than the other. I called her Lyme doctor and he said it could be a blood clot and told us to take her to the ER. They did an ultrasound and the doctor soon came to her room saying she does indeed have a clot. Our small community hospital couldn't care for her and asked which hospital we would like to be transferred to. A kind friend had come to sit in the ER with us and was able to help me out with some of the decisions. There was talk of transfer by ambulance but my friend is an EMT, so they allowed her to take us. God knew just what we needed! 

Sitting in the ER, Kiana wasn't feeling bad at this point

It was early Sunday morning till we were in our room and nearly 3:30 till we were allowed to rest a bit. Kiana was running a fever by that time and just wanted to sleep. When the nurse came to take her vitals a little after 5:00, Kiana and I were both fast asleep. Around 8:00 the doctor made her rounds and gave me a stern talking to concerning the fact that we made the decision to place a PICC line for something as controversial as Lyme. According to her, we had taken a dangerous risk and this is the price we have to pay. She recommended a developmental/psychiatric evaluation, which was what she felt we should have done in the first place, rather than treat for Lyme. They would consult with hematology and remove the line when it was safe to do so. Very little sleep and the emotional ups and downs of the night were playing a toll on me by then so I only nodded because I wasn't sure I could keep the tears back. I knew once they started, there would be no stopping them. 

Later in the morning they showed me how to give the blood thinner injections Kiana will need. At that time they were saying she would need to stay several days as they seldom see blood clots in pediatric patients and weren't sure how long it would take for Kiana's levels to get where they belong. 

Fast asleep

I was so glad to see Dean come in the door. Making decisions about things when I am seriously sleep deprived is not my strong point. Friends had offered to stay with the other children so Dean could come to the hospital during the night but the thought of sending our traumatized children to a sitter wasn't a pretty picture.

They removed Kiana's PICC line later in the afternoon and showed me exactly how to give her injections once more and then she was discharged and we could go home!

Our evening was slightly chaotic, with many tears and melt downs. At 9:00 it was time to give Kiana the second injection. I looked at the directions on the syringe package and after many tears, we got the job done. As Dean was cleaning up, he asked me how much of the medication I had given, when I showed him, we saw the dosage on the package of syringes was twice the amount on the bottles of medication! I called her doctor and they said she should be fine, just skip the next dose. They told me what to watch for and what we should do if there was a problem. That was the last straw for me....I was done!

The ups and downs, trying to be strong and convince Kiana to go through with the various procedures plus all the brain power I had put into trying to figure out the logistics for daily IV treatment was just too much. 

Dean stayed home this morning and left me get some much needed sleep. Now it is back to the computer to do more research because depending on the test results, Kiana may not be eligible for another PICC line. We were already seeing a bit of a difference after the few infusions she had, and while she and I both hated that PICC line, I was devastated to see it go.

Day One - PICC Line

The PICC line is in and we have the first two infusions behind us, thank you, Jesus! The doctor who placed Kiana's line was running late so she didn't get it placed until 3:30 versus 2:00 as was scheduled. The extra wait time did nothing for her nerves, or mine for that matter. The Lyme has affected Kiana in such a way that she is unable to understand things nor can she handle much. I honestly didn't know how she would do. When they called to preregister her, they kindly agreed to make a note on her chart allowing me to be with her during the procedure. 

Downing yet another cup of water. She was supposed to drink 8 oz every hour for 24 hours prior to her line placement. We didn't quite reach that goal!

A sudden case of nerves had Kiana literally shaking. The kind nurse brought her a heated blanket which brought a smile to her sad face.

I had to wear a hair net, face mask, apron and a special top since they were doing x rays. At first they told me that while I can be in the room, I will need to sit on a chair in a corner out of the way. When the doctor came in he motioned me up to the table and said, "Come over here beside Kiana." I was able to hold her hand the whole time, although they placed a chair behind me and a nurse was ready to catch me in case I fainted. Would you believe it, even though I couldn't see anything (my choice) my head started feeling funny and I fought to stay with it. I knew if I fainted Kiana would panic and the whole thing would be over. Thankfully that didn't happen and the procedure went well. 

After the line was placed, we drove to the doctors office where she received her first infusion, and I received brief instructions on how to flush her line. The nurse gave me the supplies and we were free to go home.

Drip, drip, drip....wait, wait,wait!

Our evening was spent calming children who had been imagining the worst and assuring them that everything would be okay. Some couldn't sleep, some cried and some were hyper - big feelings come out in a multitude of ways!

This morning it was back to West Chester nearly an hour away. This time we got to meet people who have been receiving treatment long term. They gave us the inside information that only those going through the actual experience can describe. It was very enlightening to say the least!

Our biggest concerns at the moment are infection and allergic reactions. One boy said he had a reaction three weeks into treatment, and here I was thinking I can breathe easy after the first 24 hours are past! Swimming is not allowed which is hard for Kiana to accept but I am trying to find things she can do while the others cool off in the pool.

Sunday Triggers

We had a meltdown of a different sort today. This one was based on trauma and while it manifested itself very differently than the one Joseph had on Friday, it was every bit as intense.

It started this morning. Sundays are major trigger days for Kiana for a variety of reasons, one of which is, listening to sermons brings about a barrage of feelings that she cannot handle and I often have a hard time deciphering. She has some major behavioral struggles right now due to Lyme and PANS. Sometimes she is accountable, sometimes not but she usually feels guilty after an episode even though we have explained why she reacts the way she does. Listening to a sermon often sets her off because as she says, "He is preaching about me!!!!" Since her behavioral issues are often so vast, she can usually find something in the message that she feels is directed at her personally.

The other big issue is fear. This morning we had an excellent message on living so that we are ready when Jesus returns and destroys the earth. It was a very timely message, one that spoke loudly to me but I was sure my 9 year old was listening and taking it all in, especially since she was "intently" reading her Bible. I pulled her close and asked how she is feeling. She gave me a wide eyed look and said, "I'm okay," a good sign that she was not okay!

After lunch she was stomping about the house raising chaos and being defiant. I tried talking to her but she refused to co operate so I was about to send her to bed when Dean said, "I wonder if this mornings message is bothering her." She vehemently denied it. Dean and I have a quote, "Me thinketh thou doth protest to much!" Meaning, the more the child protests that something isn't bothering them the more certain we are that it is. Kiana refused to talk about her big feelings, giving all sorts of superficial reasons for why she has them. By this time I was pretty sure I knew what was wrong but I wanted her to tell me versus me telling her what she was feeling. I explained how I learned in therapy that when something feels big and scary talking about it helps the scary feeling get smaller. "That is why I want you to tell me what is bothering you rather than me telling you what is wrong," I explained. Eventually she said, "I don't want my stuff to burn, what about my toys, my clothing...what about Kobi?" This is where it gets tough with children who have experienced complex trauma. Telling her to trust God to meet her needs will not make her feel any better because she has a hard time with trust. Telling her that she will have better things in Heaven doesn't help because in her mind Heaven is an unknown which makes it something to fear. 

Dean told her that just like Mom and Dad make sure she is safe and taken care of, in that we provide food, clothing and shelter, Jesus will do the same in Heaven. The more we talked the safer she felt and eventually we got her talked down from the place of fear and the thought of "losing my stuff" was no longer an issue. She gave me a hug and went cheerfully off for her nap.

Kiana and I spend many Sundays in the basement at church talking through her big feelings. While she despises doing this, it gives her and I an opportunity to work on our bond, which is always a blessing.

Update On Kiana

We are nearly 2/3 of the way through Kiana's first month of treatment with her LLMD (Lyme Literate Medical Doctor). Thankfully her rages have decreased greatly in intensity and they do not last nearly as long as they had even two weeks ago. We feel she is more emotionally unstable  and she certainly has a lot more physical symptoms, although that can be a good thing as it means the Lyme is dying off, but neither Dean nor I are sure that is what is happening. The more I learn about Lyme the scarier it is. The good thing is that knowing how devastating Lyme can be, gives me yet another opportunity to increase my trust and faith in God.

 Her therapy is also going pretty well. Mr D is a lot like Miss Laura, who used to be B's therapist. He and I talk about how Kiana was since her last visit before bringing her into the room which greatly hinders her ability to manipulate the session. Best of all he is a Christian! Her homework assignment for this week is to ask God to show her ways that she is special and then to report what she has learned at her next session. That is a tough assignment for someone suffering from her level of trauma and insecurities, but it is our prayer she will be surprised to learn just how special she is. Since she doesn't trust/believe Dean and I she doesn't believe us when we tell her we love her despite her actions. Neither does she believe she is a special girl, which we honestly think she is!

A Glimpse Into Our Life

On Monday Kiana had an appointment with a Lyme specialist. Her PANS doctor was willing to treat her but we came to the conclusion that she needs more help than he could provide so I began calling doctors trying to find help. I heard, "She is too young," and "We are not accepting new patients," time and time again. Thankfully I found a doctor and he only had a two week waiting list! 

Enjoying one of the few smiles we get from this girl these days. We mostly see black, clouded eyes filled with tears of frustration and rage.

Daddy patiently trying to help Kiana work through an issue...can't even remember what it was. She finds life very hard right now.

My method of coping with things that are beyond my control and comprehension is to read up on it and inform myself. These two books came in the mail today. The first one is a personal Lyme story and the second is what Dean refers to as a "textbook." It has a wealth of information that I am trying to force feed into my brain.

Dean smoked some delicious ribs the other weekend. We all enjoyed them even Lia who doesn't like spicy food. Joseph wasn't impressed with the idea of having to work so hard to get such small pieces of meat off the bones.

Dean smoked pork several times over the past few weeks. I have quite a stockpile in my freezer. We enjoy it on sandwiches or over fries and topped with cheese sauce, onions and bbq sauce.

I am the class mom for Kindergarten so I had the privilege of driving a van load of 5&6 year olds to Hands On House the other week. They were quite the lively bunch and oh, the discussions they had! I am still laughing.

We carpool with two other families so when I took I the school van to the next family, Kobi went along because my plan was to walk home. I often take him on walks but never along a busy road. He firmly planted himself on the road and refused to budge. Thankfully I had my phone along so I called Dean and he came and picked us up. Kiana and Lia thought it was hilarious, it took me a bit longer to see the humor in the situation.

Chaos And Redemption

Most people have heard of the push pull relationship, if one can even call it a relationship, that many parents have with their child with RAD. They pull you close, push you away, pull you close, then push you even harder, it's a never ending cycle.

Those who suffer from RAD, are terrified of bonding with anyone because in their minds a bond means opening the door for abuse, abandonment and even death. At the same time deep within themselves, so deep they most likely aren't aware of it's presence, is a desire to be loved. That desire causes them to reach out for love but as soon as they receive it, their terror pops up and they push the giver as far away as possible. Then there is the aspect of manipulation... they know their parents are trying to build a relationship with them so they will "offer" their affection as a means to attain something they want. This type of relationship wears a parent out in a hurry.

While we are no longer on the "Raddercoaster" as some call the roller coaster of emotions that go with RAD, we are on a similar ride but this one is even more complex if that is possible.

This ride is parenting a child with FASD alongside a child with an autoimmune syndrome that attacks the brain. Sometimes I get whiplash from the back and forth and round and round. The hard part is knowing if the child's actions are due to fear i.e. separation anxiety, control - because they are scared of a relationship, since getting close to mom means it is going to hurt so much more when she dies, brain inflammation which makes a child feel ornery and out of control or is it just typical childhood behavior? Each and every different scenario requires a different mode of treatment. Many times the child is either unable to tell you what is wrong, refuses to do so because he is out of sorts or sometimes he truly doesn't know. So before you can go about figuring out what the problem is, you have to decide if the child has the ability to tell you what is wrong and if so, are they telling the truth or intentionally leading you down bunny trails to throw you off.

Then there are days when you have two or more acting out at the same time and while you are trying to make sense of it all, they begin feeding off of each other and the child who was telling the truth about what is going on is suddenly triggered by the lying and screaming coming from another child, so he proceeds to join in the chaos. 

There are days when I don't know if I am coming or going. I call Dean and say, "So and so is doing xyz and I have no idea why. What do you think is going on?" Amazingly he often has an answer to my dilemma or at the very least some insight into what is going on. The children know if they are successfully snowing mom and she calls dad, the game is over because dad can usually see through their antics. 

What complicates matters is I can tolerate only so much before my brain begins shutting down. My children can sense when this is happening and it sends them into hysterics because they realize mom is no longer able to handle the junk they are throwing at her. This triggers their abandonment issues, which in turn kicks up the the fight or flight response. Our two middle children may either run or rage, you never know but you can count on them to choose to respond the same way if they are both melting down at the same time. We either have two runners or two screamers,  sometimes it feels like the walls vibrate with the noise.... maybe the foundation is cracking? :)

This is all fresh in my mind because yesterday was one of those days. We were all a mess, mom was tired, the two middle children were totally dysregulated, Lia was tired, big brother was fed up with the whole mess and dad was working a bit late. It is almost funny now but at the time it was anything but. The three little's and mom went to bed early and we all awoke in a better frame of mind. Now we get to go for therapy this afternoon, which is sure to bring up lovely issues which are in a class all their own. 

As I was pondering all this and feeling like a failure, this amazing post came up in my newsfeed: God's Amazing Grace For Parents and I realized my problem, I am trying to excel at this whole parenting thing and end up falling on my nose more times than not. Where did I get the idea that I can do this? I can't, but with God in me I can and so can you!