Am I A Bad Parent?

Our adoption journey has given me the privilege of meeting and speaking with many parents. Due to our unique circumstances, it is often those parents who have children with FASD or those who's adoption's aren't working out, often due to safety issue's, with whom I have the privilege of sharing our story and hearing theirs in return.

There is one question I am asked every single time. Sometimes the person asks in a voice choked with tears, sometimes the question is laced with fear and sometimes the question is asked so quietly I can hardly decipher what was said. The question is this, "Am I a bad parent?" My heart hurts for these people because I am deeply familiar with that very pain. It is a question I often ask myself. On some level I know it isn't true, but on a deep fundamental level I can't help but believe that somehow my child's problem must be at least partly my fault. As parents we want to "fix" our children. We want them to be successful, to have the ability to make good choices without their trauma baggage weighing them down. We run ourselves ragged in an attempt to aid them on their healing journey, but sometimes healing doesn't come. At least not in the ways we had hoped and dreamed of when we looked into the future. When failure is more common than success, we as parents have a tendency to believe that somehow we must have failed.

We, like most families who began foster care over ten years ago when there was very little taught about trauma, believed that we could heal the hurts in the hearts of the little ones who came through our door. We somehow thought that love would be enough. How many times have you heard that quote? How many times have you heard, "Well if you would love them more," or "If you would love them the same as you love your other children," whatever that is supposed to mean, "They wouldn't have these problems" Somehow the world has gotten hung up on, "Love is enough," when it comes to helping hurting people. Folks, I am shouting from the roof top's, "LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH!!!" Anyway, 10 plus years ago we believed this from the bottom of our hearts. We didn't have trauma training, and the words, Reactive Attachment Disorder weren't even in our vocabulary. We tried to take hurting children and love them so much that they would just have to love us back. At the time the idea sounded logical, in hindsight it was anything but logical. You know how well that theory works, right? It doesn't. And so we began to flounder. What do you do with a child who is terrified of love, or feels he is unlovable? We didn't realize that such a thing was even possible, so I began to think, "It must be me. I must be a bad mom." And the seed grew and grew. That seed was watered daily with examples of why I was a bad mom. My child refused to do anything that I asked of him. As a preschooler, he would go hungry rather than eat the food I made, while happily chowing it down if someone else made the meal. How do you deal with that?

You think of the urine soaked floors in your house, the holes in the walls, the times you screamed into your pillow because you so desperately needed to release the pain building in your heart. The items found stashed behind your child's bed, the misunderstandings with her teacher, the fights your son was involved in because his brain damage means that he doesn't understand cause and effect. And then your mind goes on to think of how well your child can present in public. You think of the times your child raged and threatened you until you arrived at a friends house, whereupon the threats stopped and a smile appeared on his face. People greet your daughter with hugs and she accepts them, but when you try to hug her she either accepts the hugs but then turns around and destroys something that had sentimental value to you, or she grabs a handful of skin and pinches you as she hugs. And you think, "I must be a bad parent or my child wouldn't act this way."

You can't talk to anyone other than your child's therapist about the things that happen in your home because it sounds so absurd, and in public your child looks nothing like what you experience at home. If you do venture to speak up you hear one of three things:

 The ever famous, love them more

 Discipline more - he just needs a good spanking!

Don't worry, my child does that all the time.

You know loving more doesn't work for your child....although from those giving you the advice, it seemingly works for everyone else's child. So you internalize the idea that you must be a bad parent, because this is not working for your child. But we forget that the people offering this advice often have no experience with something that plays a huge part in your child's behavior: trauma. Our hurting children need love in mega doses, but love itself is not enough.

Discipline more. That is such a lovely thing to hear when you are at the end of your rope. When parenting children with trauma, brain damage and/or prenatal exposure, more discipline is rarely the answer. Consequences seldom have the desired affect and what those offering this bit of advice fail to understand is, our children have already gone through horrific circumstances, a consequence likely won't make one bit of difference. However we have learned to take advantage of natural consequences when applicable. If I tell my child not to slam the door and he does anyway and pinches his finger, there is a 50/50 chance he won't slam the door the next time. However, when you take the brain damage from prenatal exposure into consideration, it is anyone's guess if he will remember not to slam the door when he goes through it 5 minutes later. So you feel like you must be a bad parent because you can't get your child to stop slamming doors....or whatever behavior that you child is currently struggling with.

Don't worry, my child does that all the time. This one used to drive me crazy. One therapist explained it this way, "Yes, what your child is doing is typical. What is not typical is the length, severity and intensity of the action." All children have meltdowns, but typically not for hours at a time, over the most minor of circumstances. Even knowing this, it can leave you feeling like a bad parent because your child's actions are getting on your last nerve and according to your friend, this behavior is perfectly normal!

You feel guilty for resenting your child's behavior, this is trauma/brain damage based after all. Your child can't help how he is affected by his life experiences, and so you go back to the, "I must be a bad parent, because what kind of a parent would get so frustrated with their child?" The guilt we heap on ourselves is tremendous.

You feel like a bad parent when sitting in a new therapist's office and she asks for your child's strengths and your mind goes blank. You know your child has strength's but all your weary brain can remember is the pain and anguish of each and every day. 

And if you worst fears become reality and your child is no longer safe in your home and you know that due to circumstances unique to your family and situation, he never will be safe. Despite your best effort's you know cannot keep everyone safe 24/7. Decisions have to made, decisions you didn't even know were a possibility before you entered the world of trauma and prenatal exposure. Your heart breaks because you must be a bad parent if you can't keep your own children safe. This is the point where most parents crumble. This is not what you had in mind when you signed up for this journey. You wanted to aid in healing hearts, not causing more pain and hurt in the lives of your loved one's. All the guilt, pain, shame, trauma, distress and chaos of the years washes over you like a tidal wave and you wonder if there is hope for your loved ones. Failure looms big and black in your face, you feel condemned, judged and left to wither away in the face of this pain.

But remember you are not a failure!

-You kept your child safe to the best of your ability.

-You lay beside your child as he screamed out his inner torment, for which he had no words. Even though you couldn't make it better for him, you were there.

- You sought out one professional after the next, searching for help and healing for your child.

-You bore the brunt of deep emotional wounds, inflicted on their tender souls long before you came into the picture.

-You fought for them as long as you could. Even if your child has crossed that line, the line where she is no longer safe in your home and you need to look into other options; remember love means doing what is best for your child and the rest of the family, even if it tears your heart to shreds.

-You loved them with all you could, using your resources minimal though they may have been, you wore yourself out trying to be everything for your child and just because you were not enough, does not mean you are a bad parent!

What Would We Do Differently If We Could Have A Redo?

This picture came up in my FB memories this morning. Many pictures of him make me feel sad and sick at heart but this one is precious. I remember taking this picture after a particularly rough day although I can no longer remember what made it tough. Dean and I were determined to show him that we love him but we didn't understand that while you can show all the love you want, unless a child feels that love, it will not fulfill it's intended purpose.

This was before we knew about TBRI and the need to parent traumatized children differently. We knew that what we were doing wasn't working but had no idea what to do next. We didn't know about FASD and how it clouds and distorts a persons view of the world. We parented him just like we were raised and this does NOT work for our children from hard places. 

It is hard to look back and see all the mistakes we made. I am often tempted to wonder if things would be different if only we had known back then what we know now. Would we be a family of 7 instead of a family of 6? How much healthier would our children be if they hadn't been through a CYS investigation and adoption disruption? How much more trusting would Dean and I be? But my mind always goes full circle and I come back to the fact that we honestly did the best we knew with what we had and "our" little boy is having his needs met with his new family in ways our family never could have provided.

So if we could go back, if we would be granted a redo, what would we do differently?

- Attend a training in TBRI before bringing traumatized children into our home.

- We would bring one child into our home at a time and make sure they are fully bonded and secure before bringing in more children

-We would keep our interactions with the outside world to a bare minimum the first months.

- We would do our best to Meet Our Child At His Level versus the level on which his peers are at

- We would practice Felt Safety

- We would realize that Love Is Not Enough

- We would be on the lookout for Trauma Triggers, realizing that what appears to be negative behavior may actually be a trauma trigger

But despite all the things we wish we would have done differently and the many times we fall into the "why us" mentality, we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that There Is Safety In Being In The Center Of God's Will

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Why Parents Of Attachment Challenged Children Are At Risk

A mother recently shared that when her child with RAD was still at home she realized she was as capable of evil as any other person. A child/teen/adult with attachment disorder will do anything to gain control. There are reasons for this which I won't go into here, but suffice it to say a child who has reached this level of control has already undergone tremendous pain of his own and is terrified of a relationship with anyone.

We read horrible stories in the news and say, "What is wrong with people, how could they do something so terrible to a child?" I am not in any way condoning such actions but I can see how parents reach the brink of snapping and why some cross the line.

When we had our forensic evaluation prior to adopting Lia, the man who did the evaluation said most people don't intentionally abuse their children. The line between discipline and abuse can be so fine that many people aren't aware they have even crossed it. When their child's behavior continues to intensify, they increase disciplinary measure's which quickly crosses over into abuse. 

You say, how can that happen? I think for many people it is unimaginable because they have never been responsible for a child who daily, hourly pushes them to the brink of snapping, then steps back, smirks to himself and pushes just a wee bit further. It begins to feel like a game of cat n mouse, with you as the parent being the mouse. You are on hyper alert at all times because you know your child is capable of doing bodily or emotional damage to you and your family. It is a control battle and when the child knows he has you on edge he will do things just to see if he can make you lose control. He knows if he can make you crack he is in control and that makes him feel powerful. 

When you are fearful of what your child may do and he goes out of his way to scare you or let you know he is watching you, it is enough to unnerve you. 

When your child refuses to eat then begs for food or eats from the trash can you soon begin to feel bitter. Worse yet, if CPS is watching your family such behavior signifies to them that you aren't caring for your child.

Or your child may scream and rage but be as nice as pie when anyone else walks in the door. He may set you up to look like an awful parent when in reality you are doing everything in your power to provide him with a good home. In that environment resentment can quickly gain a foot hold.

Year after year of this behavior wears a person down, especially when the professionals and other people who are supposed to help you insist that there is nothing wrong with your child. Or they may acknowledge there is a problem but say they can't help you leaving you trapped in a cycle of fear and abuse. 

Eventually you get to the place where you no longer trust yourself. When you have been pushed to the point of hurting your child time and again, you begin to doubt your ability to control your actions. Then thoughts of how much easier life would be without your child begin creeping into your head. You ask for help but no one believes you or worse questions you or threatens to take your remaining children. This leaves you feeling that just maybe you are the problem. Maybe there really is something wrong with you and then you lose sight of who you really are. When you can no longer tell fact from fiction and are doing whatever it takes to keep your child from hurting your family, sometimes using methods you never would have dreamed of, you lose sight of reality. You fear you will hurt your child, so you contemplate taking your own life to prevent that from happening. Besides, getting away from this situation looks more appealing all the time. 

And then one day you crack mentally, physically and emotionally and do something you never would have done in your right mind. Then you become a statistic, a newspaper article.... and folks say how could someone do something so horrible. Now you know.

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Why Trauma Creates "Family Hermits"

Ever wonder why families that have children with early childhood trauma spend most of their time at home? 

Children who have had a relatively trauma free existence, expect the adults in their life to protect them. They expect good things from life and as a result are calm and adaptable. On the other hand are those children who have learned to expect pain and suffering, as such, they are constantly bracing themselves for the next round. Even after these children are removed from a bad situation, they continue to rely on what their past has taught them. These children are always at a 5 on the 1 - 10 panic scale, and everything or nothing will send them shooting past a 10 and into total dysregulation.

Any situation outside of what appears to be the daily, boring routine  can bring on anxiety. Anxiety can manifest itself in many ways such as hyperactivity, chatter and acting out. If the parent tries to intervene rather than accepting their help, the child is likely melt down. If the parent does not intervene, the child melts down as well.

If the child has an insecure attachment or none at all, he will not trust his parents to keep him safe. So he will be hypervigilant and do everything he can to prove to himself that mom and dad are not strong enough to keep him safe. 

These children are barely able to keep a grip on their "sanity" at home where they know the routine, and triggers are at a minimum. These children will act like they have never had a day of training in their lives when they are outside of the controlled environment of home.

Then you have the child who finds life in general overwhelming. Playing with his peers is to confusing, causing him to melt down. He needs an external brain and when he can rely on his parents to provide that, he can handle a very low key existence. He needs his parents constantly by his side, calming him, redirecting him and pulling him aside when he begins to get over stimulated. This same child, who is fairly calm at home, does not do well when he is out and about. For one, he is over stimulated. Two, he doesn't know what will happen next. Three, people are talking to him, trying to interact and his brain cannot keep up. Guess what happens? You got it, another melt down!

Now these melt downs are bad enough, but what the public doesn't see is the days, sometimes weeks, it takes for the child to return to baseline. Remember baseline for them is a 5 versus a 1 like it is for an emotionally healthy child. During this calming down period, the rages are more intense and more irrational and the whining and disobedience is off the charts.

The worst part about it is that anything out of the ordinary can trigger meltdowns. 
-Church, and most of us go at least once a week
- grocery shopping - another weekly activity
- family gatherings
- having friends over
- going to a friends house
- dentist and doctor appointments
- staying at a baby sitter

And of course you can't forget the times a sibling is away overnight, the family gets the stomach flu or someone has a birthday. Then there are the traumaversary's, the anniversary of a traumatic happening. The child may not remember what happened but their little bodies never forget. If you have multiple trauma children in the home, they will be triggered when their siblings melt downs creating another level of stress n trauma.

Quite frankly, is it any wonder we tend to be hermits, as one friend lovingly classified her family? We are barely keeping a grip on our family's sanity because of all the chaos and trauma. This creates what appears to be overly protective, slightly paranoid (or is that totally paranoid?) parents who do all in their power to prevent another melt down. The parents know that the next melt down may dissolve the fragile emotional stability their family is struggling to maintain.

When we stay home and don't do anything beyond the ordinary day to day tasks, our children can sometimes thrive. Then I begin to think they are doing better and we do something like go to the cabin, which we did this past weekend. I am always brought firmly back to earth. 

Doing your best to maintain a stable emotional equilibrium is exhausting, especially when it goes on for year after and year with what appears to be little to no improvement. Eventually you get to the place where you as the parent are so burned out that you don't have the emotional stamina to attempt anything beyond the usual day to day life. Eventually you find your family is just happier at home....until the next time the desire to, "Be like everyone else," starts bothering you, that is!

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Attachment And Attention

Attachment disorders are caused by a break in the bonding process, which causes a child to view adults as untrustworthy. These children still crave love and affirmation, but fear getting it from the primary caregivers - the parents. Because of this fear, they try to get it from other people. This is referred to as a lack of stranger danger. "Stranger," doesn't necessarily mean someone unknown to the child. A stranger in this instance is basically anyone besides mom and dad.

Our children are pro's at seeking out attention from other people. Joseph does this by acting childish, Kiana does it by being sweet and putting on an innocent air. While our children's attention seeking behaviors appear very obvious to us, other people usually do not pick up on them. 

Kiana has been having a tough time accepting my love lately. She is feeling rejected by her birth mom and want's nothing to do with my "second hand" mothering. While she is actively pushing me away, she still craves affection. 

We live in a long stone lane which we share with several other families. The girls were playing at the end of our immediate drive the other day, and I told Kiana that they must come closer to the house. The next time I looked out the window, our neighbor E, was standing on our drive chatting with the girls. Red flags went up as it is very unusual for her to come and chat with the children, since she is aware of their attention seeking behaviors. I kept an eye on the situation and after she left I called Kiana inside. She was barely in the door before she said, "I didn't tell her to come up!" Which I knew meant she had done just that. We talked for a bit and Kiana admitted that she told Lia to tell E to come talk with them. Lia of course had no qualms about yelling down the drive.

"Why did you tell E to come?" I asked Kiana. She insisted she didn't know and I believed her, but I wanted to help her understand her actions so I continued pressing for an answer. After giving various answers, I helped her out. "I think you are needing some love and since you won't let mom love you, you are trying to get it from other people." She was quiet for a moment and I could see understanding dawning. I wish I could say she changed her ways but as is typical for children with attachment difficulties, knowing that I had her behavior figured out made her feel threatened and things continued down hill.

This is a prime example of why we keep our children nearby. Joseph has zero stranger danger awareness, while Kiana only tries to get attention from others when she is emotionally unwell. While Kiana enjoyed the attention she received from E, she doesn't like how she feels now. Guess who gets to clean up the mess? Mom, the one whom she already has a problem with. I could have called her inside while E was still here and I briefly considered it but I knew doing so might make my neighbor say it was quite alright that the girls wanted her to come up, which is the last thing she needed. When the people she is trying to get attention from tell Dean or I that it is okay if she does xyz, it gives her someone else to manipulate.

Empathy - When It Is Hard To Love

Do you know what is so hard about parenting children who's lives would be "so much better" if only they hadn't been adopted? 

Empathy. Being empathetic when a child is intent on proving that you ruined his life when you adopted him, therefore you must pay can be devastating.

When he cannot face the pain of accepting that his birth mom/dad messed up or whatever the case may be, he has to project that anger and frustration somewhere. Guess where? Usually it's mom.

In order for the child to heal from past trauma, he needs someone who can take his pain and his rage and still love him in return. That is hard, really hard.

Saying "I am so sorry you cannot live with your birth parents," while remembering the situation your child was removed from can be difficult. Add in the sacrifices your family made for this child, sacrifices that you made willingly, but the child brushed aside and trampled because he is so full of pain and rage from things done to him by his birth family, and it is doubly hard to be empathetic.

When your heart is torn between sympathy for your child and pain for what the rest of the family has to endure because of his rage, it is tough to keep things in perspective.

It would be so much easier to say, "If that's the way you want it, then have it your way," effectively closing your heart to further pain. But the hurting child wouldn't heal and he is just as much a victim of circumstance as you are, although it can be easy to lose sight of that fact when he is the one unleashing havoc in your home.

As an adoptive parent you will have to choose between empathy and closing your heart. The latter is easier but the former is the only way to healing.

Parenting children with trauma, especially when that trauma causes attachment difficulties, means opening your heart to pain and anguish. 

It means making choices for your child, choices that may make your child turn against you for a season because he cannot see the big picture. 

It means fighting for your child when everyone else wants to give up or punish him for the seemingly atrocious acts he has committed, without looking at the driving factor behind the act. 

It means loving a little wildcat who would sooner die than allow you into his heart because he has learned that adults only want to hurt him.

It means holding your child close after he intentionally destroyed a project you spent weeks completing.

It means choosing love when your heart wants to wither and die from the pain this little person has brought into your life.

It means loving again and again, when you really wanted to throw in the towel the day before yesterday.

When Doors Close

"When one door closes another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon that closed door that we do not see the one that has opened for us." -Alexander Graham Bell

Door and door after door has slammed in my face in my search for health care for Kiana. The therapist we were so hopeful would work out is no longer taking new clients, neither is the PANS/PANDAS specialist. The nutritionist doesn't have openings until April and the price is a little overwhelming. Besides, do we have until April? The doctor Kiana is currently seeing prescribes one antibiotic after the next and while they take the edge off the more severe symptoms, that is about all they are doing. I find myself saying, "God, we need help here and every door is slammed in my face!"

Do you know what God reminded me of? The many, many times over the years when there wasn't a way out. Each and every time he made a way. So why can't I just sit back and trust him this time? Partly because I know what could happen if we don't get treatment and partly because I am tired of calling doctors only to be told, "Sorry we can't help you." So I began mentally going over the times God has made a way when there was no way.

-When I called TAP to talk about placing B there they initially told me they won't have an opening for 6 weeks. At the time I couldn't fathom waiting another six weeks. The very next day they said they had a room open up suddenly and we could bring him in 3 days!

-When CPS wanted to move Lia, God knocked down walls and opened doors that we didn't even know were there.

-There was the time I took Kiana to the doctor, feeling certain that she had PANS but not knowing if her pediatrician would be willing to discuss this controversial diagnosis. The doctor listened to my story and said did you ever hear of PANDAS? (PANDAS is caused by strep, PANS by stress & infections) 

-When school became to much for Joseph and the school board found a teacher willing to teach him for the remainder of the school term. I was so relieved, as I didn't feel up to homeschooling him which was our other option.

-When Joseph's dermatologist agreed that his eczema was caused by stress and worked with us to get him some relief.

-A long time ago before we knew much about RAD, I called a woman who lives clear across the USA, begging for help. She had experience parenting children with RAD and was able to give me many inside tips. We talked for several hours and when we hung up, I told Dean, "I found someone who believes our story, we aren't crazy after all!" 


"Thus saith the Lord, which maketh a way in the sea, and a path in the mighty waters..." Isaiah 43:16

How can I not trust a God who can make a way through the sea?

Gifts, A Detriment To Building A Bond - Life With Attachment Disorder

Today's post is about gifts, be it a piece of candy, a card, note, toy or key chain, book or snack.......

As anyone who has parented a child with RAD, or a lesser form of attachment disorder knows, the subject of gifts is a touchy one.

The reason is as simple and complicated as this: A healthy well attached infant views the world and those who inhabit his world as safe. He assumes everyone is out to make the world a better, safer place for him. The child who has no bond, or an unhealthy one, is quite the opposite. His world is a scary place where he has to outsmart and manipulate everyone before they have the opportunity to hurt him. He views people as "things" objects to use to fulfill his desires rather than people with whom he can have a close and loving relationship.

As the parent of a child with RAD, it was scary to watch the manipulation and triangulation in progress, what was even more terrifying was how easily he could do this and the adults didn't even know they had been had.

Children with attachment disorder as well as those from hard places, as we adoptive parents refer to the difficult situations our children came from, find gifts to be one of the ultimate tools to use against their parents who are trying their best to form a bond with the child. These children prefer gifts over other forms of bonding that may encourage a relationship with their parents. The only thing better is receiving something from someone other than mom and dad.

Why would they value things given to them by someone else over what is given by their parents, you ask. Because, and this is especially true for the child in therapy who knows that good things are only supposed to come from mom, they assume the giver is on their side. 

As parents, we have to work very hard to teach our children that things do not equal love. I am not sure if this comes from deprivation, or if things just feel safer because they don't require a relationship. Two of our children struggle with this, one because of the whole relationship thing and the other because FASD prevents him from forming a strong bond.

Then there is how the parent feels....when you have a child with attachment issues, by necessity, you have to parent them differently. This includes what looks to many like a very deprived life. A life devoid of over stimulation, a lack of opportunities to manipulate people and few possessions. The latter is because of their penchant for wanting stuff over relationships as well as the fact that this "stuff" is often destroyed either in a fit of rage, used as a means of manipulation or as a way of portraying their feelings of lack of self worth.

When you limit your child's possessions to a few items that are safe for them and they acquire new things from other people it makes it hard to be sure your child is safe. We have to be very careful with Joseph because he can and will turn any object into something with which he can hurt himself or others. 

While we realize most people mean well, it is hard when they give our attachment child special attention and gifts. This child who has made life so hard for you, who is actively pushing you away is now putting on his charm and using it to gain not only possessions, but is secretly getting people on his side. Whether or not the giver realizes it, the child is using them to put up another layer between him and his parents. While we yearn for our children to be able to give and accept gifts like emotionally healthy children can, we know they must first develop the crucial bond with their parents, everything else comes in second.

One of our children is a master at getting things from other people. She uses various methods and then Dean and I have to try and figure out where she got an item, if the story is as she told it and then work on repairing the damage to our relationship. She naturally doesn't feel safe if she can do things under our noses and not get caught. We have become very adept at deciphering what will encourage or hinder the bond building process that is in progress all day, every day. 

So if you know a child who has either full blown RAD or struggles with attachment and the parents have rules in place that may seem unnecessary or even unjust, remember these rules are implemented to help the child build a bond with his parents, something that is vital to his well being.

Knowing The Why Behind Negative Behavior Doesn't Lessen The Pain

"Knowing the reason behind the behavior does not lessen the pain of parenting a traumatized child,"

- They are intentionally pushing you away because they are afraid to get close.... 
True, but have you ever been in a situation where someone is "allowed" to dish out abuse 24/7 and you are expected to take it and told to love the person more? Most people who find themselves in such a situation know why their child is treating them so badly and because of that knowledge they can rise above it. Of course there are times when it is just too much and they crash but what they cannot bear is when they are told to love their child more, or "If you would stop expecting them to make bad choices, they would." Or, "He/she is always so sweet, maybe you should get some therapy for yourself," insinuating that perhaps you are the problem. If their is a family in your life who has a severely traumatized child, especially if they have attachment difficulties, give the parent some extra grace. Try believing the parent, give them the benefit of the doubt. When the child realizes you are no longer doubting what his parents say, you may have the opportunity to experience the behaviors that once seemed so preposterous.

Lying. Over the top, ridiculous lying.
   I know why they lie, I know it is a survival skill but when you have a child who always lies it is hard not to become frustrated. Some children lie because they have brain damage, some lie because it is their way of controlling their world while other's use their lie's to bring chaos and pain into the home. I have had children lie about nonissue's and others lied about things that could have had serious repercussions if we would have taken their words at face value. Many children who have attachment issues are so good at lying that they can get you to believe things that you know aren't possible. That kind of lying messes with your mind.

Screaming and raging.
  Control, over stimulation, PTSD .... you name it, it will include screaming and raging. Not the normal yelling of words, but all out screaming that makes ones ears ring. Again, we know why but knowing why does not protect your ears, nor does it make it easier to wake your child in the morning knowing the screaming and raging will commence at the slightest real or imagined provocation.

Sabotage.
   This one is tough. When a child intentionally ruins family time, his birthday party or a reward it is hard not to become bitter. B was a master at this and I would swing from pitying him to wanting to tell him, "Fine, if that's the way you want it, so be it." Tristan has a hard time with this one. He said, "Someone throws a fit whenever we try to do something fun, we can't even go away without someone acting out." Sadly, he is right and while we explained why this happens, knowing doesn't lessen the pain.

Destruction.
   Children with trauma often feel undeserving. If you give them a gift it goes against their inner belief that they are bad and unlovable, so they destroy things. Knowing this doesn't make you feel any better when you see they broke another toy, tore another book and smashed another project. One way to counteract this is to give them experiences versus things. Take your child to an event or spend a day with them doing things they enjoy. Although a word of caution, they will probably destroy something else when they get home but the plus side is they haven't destroyed your gift.

Manipulation/Triangulation.
  We all have things that we find especially difficult to swallow, manipulation and triangulation are mine. Sadly, your child will know what bugs you the most and hone that behavior to a science. We have a situation right now that we are dealing with and I find it is best to let Dean decide how to handle such issues because I can't do it in a kind and sensible way. My children know our family rules but if they can get someone outside the family to invite them to do something, they will grab at the opportunity. Most times it is such simple things that the other party has no idea that they are being manipulated. 

Stealing
   Many children who have endured trauma have "sticky fingers." One of our children had to have their hands in their pockets at all times when we were in the grocery store. I also found it wise to check those pockets before we left a friends home. Another child "finds" all kinds of things. If something is missing, we know who to confront. We have talked and given consequences to no avail. We are slowly learning not to let things out where the child can see them but again, understanding why doesn't make it easier.

So if you are one of the many who are wading through the mire of trauma parenting and you are feeling frustrated with yourself for reacting to your child's behavior, show yourself some grace. Knowledge is helpful but living it is another story altogether! Allow yourself to grieve and then pick up the pieces because there is sure to be a battle waiting to be fought.

Updates, Memories And An Educents Sale

Three years ago today, my sister and I were leaving to pick B up at TAP for his first home visit. I remember how nervous I was. 

For one, I was making the 3 hour drive myself for the first time, driving on 6 lane highways was a new experience for me! 

Also I was terrified Dean and I would somehow undo the progress B made at TAP. For the first time we were getting a glimpse of the little boy hidden beneath the pain and trauma. That little boy was a lovable little chap, one I could easily bond with and I was so scared we would do something to send him back into hiding.

  I am glad we couldn't see into the future. The few home visits B had that were a success were enough to show us he could heal and that we were not doing anything that was "making him this way." Which as anyone who has parented a child with RAD will tell you, is exactly what we fear...that this child's problems are somehow our fault.

 Joseph had a rough day on Sunday. We have no idea what happened. Things were getting scrambled on their way from his brain to his mouth and hands. Monday I was called into school twice because he was melting down. Thankful for friends who can take Lia on the spur of the moment while I go to school. This same friend served us lunch when I returned from the first meltdown, what a blessing!

  Yesterday I spent the afternoon with 15 energetic 5 and 6 year old's. I signed up to be the class mom for Kindergarten as I naively thought my life would be less hectic when my children were all in school. It was a joy watching their excited faces as we played games. They are so vibrant, enjoying life to the fullest. I took my camera along but it never made it out of my purse! Yet another friend took it upon herself to make supper for us. The food was delicious and it was another reminder that God cares, because yesterday afternoon was anything but peaceful around here so we probably would have had a frozen pizza. 

  

                  Kiana's class made these cute turkeys at their Thanksgiving party. 


Notice the sparkle in her eye's? It is coming back!!!! We are thanking God for antibiotics! While she still has a long way to go, she is certainly making progress. I no longer cringe when I ask her to do a chore, she plays nicely with Lia again and the screaming has pretty much gone away. Our little girl is coming back again!

Kobi waiting for the school children to come home. every afternoon around 3:15 he climbs up on the stump to wait for them.

I joined up with an educational group called educents. They have toys/learning aids for home schooling as well as special needs children. Check them out, they have some awesome sales going on right now.

http://www.educents.com/holiday-gift-collections#smomof4

*contains affiliate links

Help For Families In Crisis - Life With RAD

  What are parents to do when they have children with RAD and they are nearing the breaking point? The other week I wrote a post entitled: Get Help Before You Break - Life With RAD. What I failed to add is where to get the help you need. I had a reader send this question: "What do you do when there is no help and you are at the breaking point?" She wasn't expecting me to reply because she knows as well as I, that there is no one size fits all answer to this problem. I have been tossing this around in my head, trying to come up with a solution because many of the mom's who contact me are in the same situation. Their child is making life unbearable, their health is failing and they are losing their remaining children's hearts. They need help and they need it now. They have gone to therapy, they are trained trauma parents, they have been to psychiatrists they have tried everything and the situation only grows worse. 

   When a mom comes to me and is in that place, it scares me because I know exactly what the family is up against. There is a lot more at stake here than losing their child, their faith is shaken, their trust in fellow humanity is gone, they are nearing the point of being suicidal because they cannot go on and there is no one to help them. When families reach this place they are in crisis and need more than one person can give, they need a whole community to rally around them. They need someone to intervene and take all their responsibilities so they can focus on healing. But that is a huge task and these families already feel as though they are a drain on their church and community. It is hard to continually be the needy family and not be able to give in return.

   As I was pondering this situation I wondered what could be done so families who have children with attachment disorders do not find themselves at this breaking point? I came to the conclusion that they need another couple to help them parent. 

   When B was home we never left him with a babysitter, the price was simply to high. When your child hates you, you are loath to give them more ammunition to use against you. I won't go in to explaining why this is, you can read here about the triangulation, manipulation and control that makes placing a child with RAD at a sitter impossible. That means mom and dad never get time together away from the children. If an older couple would be willing to learn how to care for the child and could give the parents a break that would be so helpful. We once left B with a trained RAD respite provider our therapist told us about. Even though this person was trained, she did not know B's particular methods of control and manipulation, so despite her best efforts he came away feeling triumphant because he succeeded in manipulating her. While he thrived on manipulation it scared him when he was successful because that meant he was smarter than the adults who were supposed to be keeping him safe.

   Having someone being the mediator for the family would be so helpful. These children are masters at pushing their parents beyond what they can handle. Having to explain why they parent as they do and continually having to be on guard wears these parents down. If there was someone to whom they could direct those with questions and concerns it would be such a blessing.

   Perhaps having someone who could give the parents a scheduled break as well as provide a safe buffer between them and the rest of the world would keep families from reaching the crisis point. 

  I don't know if there are any couples out there who would be willing to undertake such an enormous task but I honestly think having someone who has their back would ease the isolation and pain parents feel when caring for a child who is so emotionally damaged that he cannot accept love. Such a couple might provide enough of support that the parents could give their child what he needs without sacrificing their health, family and marriage. 

  Having someone to speak truth into their lives may be what keeps a couple from seriously questioning or even abandoning their faith. When you have a child who is trying their best to hurt you, make you crack, perhaps is even seeking to do away with you, it is really hard to remember that this child is doing this out of fear and pain. If someone who really knows what life is like from day to day would daily pour Gods word into your heart, it would be such a blessing.

  If anyone has tried this I would love to hear about it. How did you make it work? What were some of the pitfalls?


  

Get Help Before You Break - Life With RAD

   B's therapist repeatedly told me, "Know your limits, you are not helping anyone if you crash emotionally or physically." That was excellent advice, but she wasn't able to tell me what to do when I had had enough.

  In most abusive situations, the "victim" is not stuck with the abuser. When your child has RAD, you are stuck. Some are physically abusive while other's like B, are emotionally abusive. When you are the parent charged with the responsibility to love and nurture this child it can feel like you are trapped. What makes it  worse is that everyone else views your abuser as a sweet and lovable child. When your child hates you and everyone else exclaims how sweet he is, it can mess with your mind. You begin viewing yourself as an awful person, defective in some way.

  I remember the day when I reached my breaking point with B. Up until that day there had been many times when I threatened to throw in towel, whatever that may have looked like but I knew it wasn't an option. I knew I would try again the next morning no matter how horrible the day may have been. 

   There were certainly times when I tried to think of ways to get out of the situation but I was always able to get my mind back on track. I always had the emotional stamina to try again, even if that stamina was hard to come by. But there came a time that I feared I would do something awful in a weak moment. B would push me to the edge, nudge me a bit further and then step back and smirk. I knew he was trying me out, how far could he push me before I cracked? Eventually I came to the place where I didn't trust myself anymore and let me tell you, that is an awful place to be. When you don't trust yourself and you have a child who is doing his very best to push you over the edge, and you and the child both know he is very nearly succeeding, you are in a dangerous place.

  I told Dean I need help, "Something has to give, it is either me or B, we can't both live here," I said. Over the years there were many times when I cried the same thing but a good nights rest usually gave me the boost I needed. This was different, Dean and I both knew it. "Are you just tired, or are you serious?" Dean asked. 

"This is my cry for help," I said, "I need help, something has to give or I am afraid I will do something awful." That was the conversation that led to placing B at TAP. I felt awful, like I was giving up on my child but I also knew I was circling a dangerous pit, the edge was slippery and at any time I could plunge over the edge.

  B's therapist was very understanding, she repeated the words that had helped us decide that something must be done, "If you crash, you will not be able to help anyone," She reminded me, "Your other children need you, Dean needs you." Those words brought the first layer of healing to my bleeding heart.

  Why do I share this? Because I know there are parents out there, reading this blog who are drawing near the point of no return, the place where something has to change. My cry is, "Don't wait until there is a crisis, get help for you and your child now." There are to many parents who waited, cracked and did things they never would have done before they reached the place where they acted out of pain.

Children with RAD push their parents so hard because they are afraid of love. If they allow themselves to love, they give the parent the opportunity to hurt them by rejecting that love. They were hurt once, they will not be hurt again. These children need our love and support, they are terrified and in a hard place themselves. I wrote this post because there is much information out there on how to love these hurting children but the truth is, there are some times when you have to choose between allowing this child to destroy you and your family and placing them in a treatment program or even finding them a new home.

Landing In A Strange Country - Life With RAD

    Many adoptive parents have heard the story about the couple who was flying to a certain country when mid flight they learned they would be disembarking in a different country. At first they are so disappointed. They feel as though they have been cheated but as time passes they fall in love with their new destination. The moral of the story for folks who plan to have biological children but in the end adopt, is that while the destination may be different than what we planned, there are new joys awaiting us.

   But what if there isn't any joy? The sunny weather we dreamed of is only a distant memory because here in this new country there are only storms and the threat of storms. The peace and deepening relationship's with your spouse and children never materializes, instead there is screaming, rage, deep emotional pain and grief beyond anything you have ever known. 

  You determine to be cheerful and seek for the good in every day but most days there isn't anything good to be found. You decide you will be thankful for the storms, after all it is the storms in life that make us strong, right? But when the storms hit, they destroy the bond you have with your previously untraumatized children, they cause yet another friend to turn on you and CPS comes knocking once again. Emotional strength is good, but is the cost worth it?

   This is the life parents live when they have a child with RAD. There isn't much to be grateful for, well not other than being grateful no one ended up in the emergency room, no one removed your children because of lies and you are still in one piece at the end of the day. Those are all things to be thankful for but when they are the only good things happening in a day, you long to jump on the airplane and return to the country from whence you came. The country called, Before Adoption, Before RAD

   There is only one problem, there aren't any planes departing from the country in which you live. You are stuck. Your child throws physical, emotional and psychological abuse your way and you have to live with it because there is no way to leave. You sink into a deep depression made worse by the people who are supposed to be your support because they think, Surely there is some good in every place on earth. They advise you to count your blessings and be thankful you aren't living where such and such is, because they really have something to complain about. And you sink still deeper into the pit of despair. 

    Then one day you hear that there is a ship that will take you back to your home country. At first you rejoice, then you fearfully begin counting the cost. Would leaving prove you are a coward? Is it morally right to leave when God has clearly called you to this place? The flip side is emotional and physical health for your children as well as an opportunity to heal physically yourself so you can be the parent your children need. After much prayer you leave the country which you never intended to come to. You leave a part of your heart behind, along with some of your trust in mankind. You bring a broken heart, a bruised spirit and a burden for the people who are still living in the country you have just left.

  We have been back in our "old country" for several months now. While we are thankful to be back, we continue to feel somewhat like strangers. Our stay in another country changed us. We are no longer the same people we were before we climbed on that plane, our hearts filled with joy and anticipation. We came back with a different perspective on life and sometimes I wonder where we would be if we hadn't climbed on that plane.

Triangulation, Triggers And Trauma - Effective Communication Is Key

   Children feel most secure when their parents provide a united front regarding discipline, privileges and safety issues. People with trauma tend to subconsciously divide and conquer, it is their way of being in control. They only feel safe when they are the one controlling the people and circumstances. Anyone who has parented a child with RAD, knows these children are masters at driving wedges between their parents. This wedge serves two purposes, hurts mom and dad as well as keeping them from getting to close.

      B was effectively doing this very thing, until one day his therapist brought it to our attention. As with every child with RAD, B had a major problem with me, mom. His way of dividing and conquering was to "improve" his behavior when Dean was around. Somehow he was always able to hear the tires crunching on the gravel when Dean came home from work. Whatever was going on, be it a tantrum, fighting a sibling or yelling at me, it all stopped abruptly. Till Dean came into the house, B was smiling and chattering about his day. Naturally Dean, wanting to build a relationship with him, would engage him and give him some undivided attention. How B loved that, not that he wanted the attention, but he knew that he was winning Dean over while driving me away, exactly what he wanted. Neither Dean nor I was aware of what was going on. I only knew it made me angry when B changed his attitude when Dean was home. It felt wrong to me but I thought perhaps I was just jealous of the relationship they appeared to be building.

 When we talked it over, we came to the conclusion that if Dean was the channel through which B learned to love, it would be okay.  I would just have to be okay with being the bad guy for awhile and hope that eventually B would come to love me. That was nonsense, don't ever, ever do that!! 

    Despite my resolution, I struggled to maintain a good attitude and focus on the real reason Dean showered B with love while B in turn showered me with defiance and anger. As often happens, things became worse so gradually that neither Dean nor I were aware of it until one day Miss D, B's therapist brought us up short. You can read that story here. 

   Fast forward to today and we have a similar situation. Of course it is a different child and the motivation behind the triangulation is different but guess who was triggered by it? Yup, me. If you are thinking I get triggered by an awful lot of stuff, you are thinking correctly. RAD, FASD and CYS investigations will do that to you.

   Anyway, it began subtly as most things of this manner do. It noticed my desire to nurture Joseph was diminishing. I figured it was partly because of how tough he has been these past weeks, but deep inside I knew there was more to it, I just didn't want to deal with it.

   Dean took off work on Friday and we enjoyed having him home for a long weekend. Joseph ran along with Dean as he usually does and Dean, being busy, gave him a little more freedom than he usually has when he is home with me. And as usual, Joseph began edging towards over stimulation and I began to be triggered. See, when Dean is home Joseph can have more freedom for several reasons. One is, Joseph will not have a melt down as quickly when Dean reprimands him. Also, there are two adults around, when I am home with all four children, I need to keep boundaries a little tighter or chaos ensues. Plus the more over stimulated Joseph is on the week end, the worse he acts out when his normal boundaries are reapplied. 

   Last night Dean and I had the talk that we should have had two weeks ago and got back on the same page regarding our parenting. I am continually amazed at how quickly our "parenting structure" becomes in need of repair when we aren't consistently communicating. Sometimes we just get tired of this high level parenting business, other times we get busy or other things come up and we don't communicate as effectively as we know we should. Usually it takes small crisis to smack us upside the head and we quickly get on board again.

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An Example Of A Trauma Reaction

     I often share examples of how trauma affects my children, but today I want to share a personal experience of mine. Before I go any further, I want to clarify that the people who were with us at the time this trauma occurred had nothing to do with how it affected me. I am giving this example to show how trauma can affect people and the irrational responses it brings about.

  Several months ago when we were at the cabin with family, Dean received a text saying B's ICPC paperwork had gone through. This important piece of paperwork was the last link before B could be moved to his new home. Signing papers and talking of the upcoming move in the attorneys office was nothing short of traumatic for us, the finality of it all was overwhelming. Were we really making the right decision? This was our sons life we were making plans for, plans that could change the whole course of his life! Somehow knowing there was one more piece of paperwork that needed to be approved before he could move was comforting, things still weren't final.

     So when Dean received the text saying the papers were approved and B would be moving, my heart sank to my toes. I can still feel that sick feeling I got in the pit of my stomach, the lightheaded, almost dizzy sensation that made me feel unsteady on my feet. I wanted to go to a quiet place and sob my heart out, but it was suppertime, the children were hungry, the food was prepared and the evening went on, with no time to cry. I felt like I had just received word that my son had died and I didn't know how to handle it. Dean and I couldn't just go into our room to talk and mourn, because we needed to keep an eye on our children who were, as is typical for them, very hyper.

   Later we all sat down to sing together and I couldn't keep the tears back. As we sang songs of heaven, joy and pain, I felt like we were saying our final good bye's to B. He was moving on, we were staying behind and how it hurt, but it was healing at the same time. That will be a memory I will always cherish, singing songs, while in my heart I said, "Good bye, my son, we tried, but somehow we just weren't able to reach you. I pray your new family will be able to help you in ways we couldn't. Good bye, my son."

   Ever since then, whenever the family was going to be getting together, I  melted into a puddle of tears and emotional pain. I should have understood what was happening, but somehow it evaded me. Recently after having the same experience yet again, it finally clicked in my brain, "This is a trauma reaction." So I started thinking, why do I react this way? My mind went back to that time at the cabin and I felt the sinking pain and despair as if it was happening for the first time. I was relieved because now I knew what was happening, this was trauma, not mental instability! Now that I knew what was causing this reaction, I had to figure out how to work through it. I went to my trusty mom group, they have all disrupted an adoption and know first hand the pain, grief and lingering trauma that goes with it. They advised therapy which I knew was a good answer but one person brought up EMDR, which is something I did with B's therapist while working through the trauma he brought about while he was home.

   There is a scientific explanation for it, but simply put EMDR is tapping your way through trauma. To begin with, you mentally envision yourself back in the trauma situation, then rate the intensity on a scale of 1-10 with 1 being no reaction and 10 an unbearable pain. Then you begin tapping, simply pat one hand on your knee and the other hand on the other knee, there is no right or wrong way to do it, just tap and as you tap, mentally walk yourself through the painful experience. When you have reached the end of the memory, rate your trauma reaction again, keep doing this until your reaction reaches a zero. Now I know this can sound like psychobabble but this is what happens: A trauma memory can get "stuck" between your right and left brain and tapping makes both sides of your brain work together, thus freeing the memory. Your brain can then place the memory in the correct "memory box" and it is no longer a trauma memory. This is a very basic explanation and I don't recommend trying it unless you have had extensive therapy experience or are a therapist, because depending upon the memory, you can trigger a huge reaction and things could turn out badly. In my situation, I knew what the trauma was, I knew why I was reacting and what had to happen to release the emotions, plus I had done this often with a therapist, which is why I felt comfortable doing it on my own.

   This experience gave me a new insight into why my children sometimes have intense reactions to things and are unable to tell me what is wrong. I tend to think they should know what is bothering them, "Do you feel sad, mad, scared...?" I ask and they just shrug their shoulders and wail louder. This experience taught me a lesson, if I as an adult with the knowledge of trauma cannot figure out why I react to certain things, how can I expect my children with no knowledge of trauma and hearts full of pain to be able to tell me what is wrong when they are upset?