Your Values Versus Your Child's Need's

"Don't let your values get in the way of your child's needs."

Most people have a set of values which they have either had passed down to them or were built from their own life experiences. We are no different. We wanted our children to be respectful, polite and honest and when we began foster care we thought we would naturally pass those values on to the children, especially if they eventually joined our family via adoption. Naive? Yes!

My children are respectful as long as they feel safe and no one challenges them on anything. This is natural, the difference is in the things that make my children feel unsafe. 

-No clean cereal bowls

-Mom preparing to go away

-Dad working late

-Having friends over

-Sibling receiving a gift

-Having to wait for a snack

-Being told no

-Being told to redo a chore

-Confrontation

All these things and a thousand more bring on panic and no one is able to be respectful when their fight, flight or freeze system is activated. The fact is, my children are seldom respectful because they are triggered the majority of the time. We could demand respect and punish when they fail but that would mean we are putting our value's ahead of their needs. Instead we offer redo's and we give snacks even when mealtime is only 20 minutes away. We keep trauma in the forefront of our minds at all times. Trauma trumps respect, although we are certainly working on it when we can.

Our children steal. This one I could hardly get beyond. I remember taking a tootsie roll from the store as a child and having to go back and pay for it. I never took anything again! Our children don't learn from consequences. They see something they want so they take it. Some of it is due to impulsiveness, but the majority can be blamed on trauma. When your body has been trained to fear that your needs won't be met it is very hard to change that mindset. We tried consequences, we tried having the child do the talking when we returned an item, anything to prevent it from happening again. But it always did. Our children tend to cycle through these trauma behaviors so when we know a child has been having sticky fingers we check shoes, coats and undergarments before going home. Depending on the situation, we may talk with the child. Other times we don't make a big deal because reprimanding/consequencing the child usually comes at the expense of our relationship, a price that is too high to pay.

Lying. This one still makes me angry at times. Thankfully I am learning that lying is a trauma response, not something to be taken personally. I am also slowly learning not to ask the "why" question as that only sets the stage for more lies. Take the evidence and deal with it. Don't waste time trying to figure out the why behind the action as the child probably doesn't know himself why he lied. If we would punish for every lie, our days would be filled with chaos, not at all conducive to healing traumatized little bodies.

Being kind to others is something my children struggle with. Again, there are many reasons for this but trauma is usually at the root. Fear people won't like them drives them to act out in inappropriate ways to try to get a laugh. Their wants/needs trump those of anyone else. Empathy is a hard concept when your brain is primed for panic.

Once upon a time we parented our children in a "typical" manner. We quickly learned that didn't work but it wasn't until Braden went to The Attachment Place and they taught us about TBRI that we really began to understand that our children need to heal emotionally. For emotional healing to occur, we need to make sure they feel safe so they can grasp things like being respectful, polite and truthful at all times.

Sometimes trauma/special needs parenting leaves me feeling like a complete and utter failure. After all, two of our children have been in our home for 10 years already and while they have made progress, they have so far to go. Sometimes I feel like they just have to get it and then I go into a blind panic, drilling the concepts of honesty and respectfulness into them. Without fail it all falls apart because they simply do not have the ability to maintain that level of life in addition to their trauma. Then I fall into the opposite ditch and go easy on them because I feel so badly for asking more of them than they could give. Of course that doesn't work much better. It takes constant tweaking, constant monitoring and constant mindfulness to be the parent our children need. They need us to walk alongside them, providing an arm to lean on in weak moments while being alert for those moments when they are strong enough to take a few baby steps on their own. When they take those small steps, it makes my heart swell with love and admiration for my children who are working through issues that would drive many an adult to their knee's.

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Does TBRI Work For Children With FASD?

Dean and I have been attending series of video training's on TBRI  by Karen Purvis. In the first training there was quite a bit of talk about rewiring the brain. In essence the brain can be rewired to heal from trauma when you meet the child's emotional needs with empathy, and creating felt safety. This sounded great and I have seen it work, especially for Lia, but Joseph is another story. No matter how much TBRI Dean and I implement, Joseph still has rages and meltdowns. According to Karen Purvis, once you begin meeting your child's emotional needs, healing will start to take place. So why hasn't it? Isn't TBRI for children with FASD? If it is, why isn't it working for us? And of course the question I always ask myself, "Is it me?" So I went to my FB support group and asked this question:

 "I don't want to start an argument here but I am curious...last night we were watching Karyn Purvis/TBRI and she was saying how you can rewire the brain etc. Now I know FASD is not hopeless and there is always opportunity for new pathways to grow but am I correct in saying that TBRI is NOT going to heal our children with FASD? If not, why not? Most people rave over it, but quite honestly, it leaves me feeling discouraged in regards to our son, kind of like it is my fault he is not getting better."

I was literally trembling in my shoes as I awaited a reply because TBRI is held in high esteem among foster and adoptive families and for good reason, it works!

The responses I received gave me a great deal of food for thought and I was greatly encouraged. Here is a paraphrased version of the replies:

1. FASD is organic brain damage thus not necessarily "repairable." TBRI will probably not be able to improve cognition, as it can for certain cases of trauma. Once the trauma is dealt with a child can then learn and catch up to his peers, but it will cut back on the frequency and duration of rages and meltdowns.

2. The brain damage of someone with FASD is different than that of someone who suffered other forms of trauma, because the brain impacted by FASD was damaged from the beginning.

3. TBRI can help prevent some of the secondary mental health problems caused by FASD.

4. TBRI is beneficial in creating new brain paths but the original damage will still be there.

5. The myelin sheath around the neurons in our children's brains are damaged or missing altogether so they will "short out," regardless of what is implemented.

6. Connections can be made. While these connections may not be perfect, they are progress nonetheless.

7. TBRI like all other forms of therapy will need to be modified to meet your child's needs. 

These answers helped me sort out my muddled thoughts and put things into perspective for me.

Here is one of the ways we have modified TBRI to fit our unique needs:

When Joseph has a meltdown we respond empathetically (or at least we try to!) then send him to his room because he needs quiet and zero stimulation to calm down. Sometimes I will sit by him, especially if he is so out of control he isn't safe by himself, but as a whole when he melts down he goes to his room. 

I encourage you to visit this website: Attachment and Trauma to learn all about TBRI. If you have a child with FASD and he or she doesn't seem to respond as readily to this type of therapeutic parenting, don't become discouraged or blame yourself like I did. Instead modify the training to meet your child's needs and reap the rewards!

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Empowered To Connect #1

Friday and Saturday found Dean and I at Reston Bible Church in VA. learning how to connect with our children from hard places. It made perfect sense when we sat in the seminars and watched Karen Purvis in action but implementing TBRI  (trust based relational intervention) at home is a different matter all together.
   We met a group of foster/adoption parents at 4:45 Friday morning, stopped for breakfast and arrived at the church around 8:30. Plenty of time to sign in and find seats before the seminar began at 9:00. Friday's sessions were basically a crash course in attachment parenting 101. It was all information we had learned through years of therapy. However, it certainly didn't hurt us to hear it again. Saturday we learned about sensory issues and how to implement TBRI. I think we have a lot more sensory things going on with our children than we realized.
   Since I am still processing all I learned I will share bits and pieces with you. As more of the teaching finds it's correct file in my brain, I will hopefully be able to share more.

#1. Recovery of function recapitulates learning: only when you have reached your child's needs at all levels, body, soul n spirit, will the brain begin to heal and make progress. For instance if your child is cold, hungry and sad and you supply him with a blanket and a snack you will still not totally connect until you provide him with techniques or give him a voice to get past his sorrow. I always knew that, but hearing it at the conference really drove it home.

#2.Empowering practices:
-hydration
-food every two hours
-protein snack at bedtime
-sensory activity every two hours
-LOTS of hugging, kissing, touching, laughing, playing

#3 Anger trumps all other feelings/emotions. If your child appears angry he may actually be sad, scared, in pain or any number of things. For children from hard places anger trumps everything

#4 You need to make sense of your past, be realistic about your future and be fully present in order to help your child heal. That, folks is a big order! You can be sitting beside your child who is playing toys but if you are reading a book you are not fully in the present and not connecting with that child. A quote from Karen Purvis, "You cannot lead a child to a place of healing if you do not know the way yourself."

#5 You need to balance structure and nurture. Our children thrive on structure and so most of us naturally learn that a structured routine works best. However I forget to up the nurture as well and am left with children who are unbalanced. I find it easy to nurture my babies and toddlers but once they hit the preschool/school age I find I have to make a conscious effort to nurture them. Here are a few ways I nurture my school age children:
-rub their hair or massage their ear while in church. Joseph loves this. Before I even knew about attachment parenting a speaker at Penn Valley (a place where they hold week end meetings for Mennonite foster/adoption families) said how he did this with his son and how his son enjoyed it.
-massage their hands/feet with lotion
-cuddle up with a fuzzy blanket and read a story
-take them out individually and just talk about their interests
-buy them their favorite snack and tell them I was thinking about them when I was shopping
-when talking to someone while the child is in ear shot, sing their praises on a recent accomplishment.
-stick a note in their lunch telling them you love them/are praying for them
 These are just a few of the many ways to nurture your children, leave me a comment telling what you do to encourage and nurture your child.

I want to cover sensory things in one of my next posts as that seems to be one of the "missing pieces" for some of our children.

You can visit: http://www.etcconference.org/ to find other Empowered To Connect Seminars. I highly recommend you go, you won't be disappointed.