Battling Mom Guilt When Parenting Children With Early Childhood Trauma

Mom guilt, we are all familiar with the pressure's we take on from what society says makes a, "good mom." I have several children who, due to early childhood trauma and other life shaping experiences, seem to have a knack for making me look and feel like a bad mom. All the usual, "good mom" things cause my children to rise up like a wild animal caught in a trap. Make them their favorite pancakes and they, accidently on purpose, pour the whole bottle of syrup onto their pancakes. I won't go into the why's and wherefore's of these actions, those of you walking the journey are already familiar with them and don't need to waste your time reading another explanation. Buy your son a new coat, and suddenly it is no longer cool to be seen wearing a coat in public. He would rather stand in the cold and shiver, and you were trying to be a good mom by buying him that coat! You thought for once you could do something to make him happy. This behaviour plays havoc with our minds because society is saying in order to be a good mom, you need to spend time with your child, you need to buy them nice, acceptable clothing, you need to show them how much you love them so they will love you back, if you let them fight their own battles they will feel abandoned. The list is long and can flip flop at a moments notice.

Those of us who have children with early childhood trauma and/or prenatal exposure can find ourselves in a bind. Doing all the good mom stuff, drives your child away. They fight it tooth and nail and the kind social worker comes and says, "Here is the latest psychology book, I am sure it will give you some tips." You read it, follow the suggestions, and your child becomes even worse. Social Worker says, "Maybe you aren't trying hard enough. If you would consistently follow the guidelines in the book, I am sure they would work." And guess what comes creeping in? Mom guilt. "I must be a bad mom if I can't make my child behave using this book. After all, the author is a well known child pyschologist. 

Your friend drops by on her way home from her latest shopping trip and shows you the new shoes she bought for her son. "I find if I buy expensive, brand name shoes my son takes better care of them," she says. You remember the shoes you bought for your son, brand name at that, and in your minds eye you can see the bits of rubber hanging from the soles. He always shreds his shoes, due to his sensory processing disorder, now you buy him $15 tennis shoes...and you feel guilty. Because maybe, somehow it is your fault that he ruins every pair of shoes you buy.

Your sister tells how you she stopped by the school and ate lunch with her daughter. "She was so pleased and excited to see me. It was a great way to build our relationship!" Your sister goes on to tell how neat it was to chat with her daughter's friends and the play date they have planned. Your sister turns to you and whispers, "You should try it sometime, I am sure your daughter would be thrilled, it would make her feels so special!" Your heart drops because your daughter cannot handle having mom drop by her school for lunch. She is still battling the loss of her birth mom and views you as the fake who is trying to take that spot in her heart.

These are just a few of the myriad ways in which we tend to take on guilt. We look at where our children are socially and emotionally, we see their peers pulling ahead and feel that somehow it must be our fault. Deep inside, we know better - after all, we understand brain damage, attachment disorders, how prenantal exposure wreaks havoc with the developing brain - but somehow, we still feel that we are to blame. As I was pondering this today, the words of a counselor came to mind, "Love your child in the way they need to be loved." For me, this quote brought great freedom. 

If my child needs to go to bed earlier than the rest of the family in order to be at his best the next day. Is it loving for me to keep him up until his siblings go to bed, just because they are younger than him?

If my son needs an alarm on his door to deter him from roaming the house, is it loving to say, "None of the other children have an alarm, it isn't fair that he should." Or is it more loving to put the alarm on his door and keep him safe?

One child shuts down if I confront her. Society says, "Teach her who is boss!" Is it more loving to be brash and demanding, or to hold her and coach her through the drama of wearing socks for school?

Parenting "our children" requires laying aside what society, or friends and family, may deem appropriate and doing what is best for our children. Sometimes, "doing what is best," looks an awful lot like being a passive mom, sometimes it means standing up to your child and not allowing him to triangulate the adults in the room, sometimes it means holding her during a church service even though she is almost to big to fit on your lap.

So if you sent your child to school in holey sweat pants and a top that has seen better days, because that is the only outfit he will wear, remind your self that he is warm, he is clean and best of all, he is comfortable, because the clothing doesn't scratch. Plus he feels safe because you didn't get upset with him about wearing less than acceptable clothing.

If you sent your daughter to school with foods that you feel are less than nutritious, but they are the only foods she will eat, remember, at least she is fed. You can fight the battle another day. Today you sent her off with a hug and a kiss. Her emotional health is as important as her physical health.

If your teen went out the door with uncombed hair and no breakfast because he wouldn't get up on time, congratulations, at least he made it to school.

Sometimes being a good mom, means doing the things that society tells you is bad parenting. Rather than give in to the monster of self condemnation remind yourself, "I am the mom, I know my child better than anyone out there. I will do what I can to help my child lead a successful life, but at the end of the day, it is his choice whether he will accept the help I offer." As my husband reminded me recently when I was frustrated with a child who refused my help and as a result was failing badly, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink!" 

Go forth and be the mom you know your child needs, not the mom society says your child needs!

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When A Special Needs Parent Fall's Into A Hole

I had to chuckle a little when I saw this quote come up in my FB feed. I think it accurately describes what we special needs parents feel at times. Our lives are so complex and so confusing that those who haven't walked this road must wonder at us sometimes! 

Even as I chuckled, I had to admit it was 100% spot on. For many of us, our children's disabilities are hidden and no one knows what goes on inside the walls of our homes. Explaining a complex, invisible disability is hard. I often find myself lacking the words to adequately convey my child's needs and end up sounding like an over protective mom.

As you all know, taking a day off work won't fix the problem, it might not even help the problem. If you could take ten years off and still receive a paycheck so you could be with you child 24/7 you would most certainly make some progress.

Doctor's are a necessary part of this journey but too many of them don't have the time to spend individually with their patients to really learn what is happening. It is much easier to prescribe a medication, send the child home and have the parent call if there are problems. And trust me, our prenatally exposed children are so complex that there will be problems. The parent has to decide if they are giving the medication a fair trial, if the child is reacting to the medication,  if it is due to a previously unknown trauma trigger, or could it be that this new med doesn't mix with the other medications he is taking? The doctor may have answers or he may not. Prenatal alcohol exposure means our child's brain may react in any one of a hundred unusual ways. Then there are the new behaviors that pop up and you have to figure out if the new medication is causing it, or has the medication helped relax the child enough that he is able to expose another layer of trauma? Other doctor's take one look at the child and say, "He is fine, you just need to be firmer with him." Still others say, "He is too young to be exhibiting these symptoms, are you sure that is what is happening? Perhaps you are only imagining things?" There was a time we had so many doctors, therapists and medications on board that things were absolute chaos. We ended up eliminating them one by one and starting back at ground zero to try to make sense of things. It would have been so nice to have a professional who truly understood our child(ren) and would have sorted out the mess, but unfortunately there wasn't anyone with those credentials who could help us as we didn't meet certain criteria and/or hadn't gone up the necessary rungs of the ladder in the correct order so we didn't apply.

Behavioral services are rife with loophole's. You think you have your I's dotted and your T's crossed only to find out that they can't help you due to budget cut's, time constraint's, age, diagnosis etc. etc. It is maddening to fill out reams of paperwork only to discover you have once more reached a dead end. They push you off to another department or another colleague and, I suspect, breathe a sigh of relief that you are no longer their problem.

Nobody has money for the services our children need, I admit their diagnosis cause them to be a bottomless bucket of needs. It isn't their fault, they didn't ask for this, but the fact remains this is the reality the child/parents face. The supports, schooling and therapies our children need are astronomically expensive, leaving family struggling. Parents see how certain things could help their child, but can't afford them. 

There are always charities who help with such expenses, but there are more needs than charities. Applying for charity aid requires more paperwork. More explaining, more defending and more questions until you wonder if it is worth it, beside's there is little hope that you will actually receive the help you need because there are thousand's of people applying for aid.

I have found that knowledge of the prevalence of FASD is still new enough that there aren't as many services available. If my son had autism we would be able to access many services that are currently beyond our grasp due to his diagnosis. 

Then come your friends who get it without you having to explain a thing. When you simply say, "It's been rough today," they smile, give you a hug and reply, "I understand," and drop what they are doing to help you out. And it means so much because you know that their plate is every bit as full as your own. Having friends and family who care is vital in providing the courage to get up, dry your eyes and try again.

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*I couldn't find who wrote the above quote, but if anyone knows contact me and I will give credit to whom it is due.

How To Encourage A Family Who Has Disrupted An Adoption

When we disrupted B's adoption I craved empathy, I longed for a shoulder to cry on and cherished the words, "I am praying for you." Many people find it hard to relate to someone who has disrupted an adoption and rightly so, disruption is a complex thing. Something that is not easily understood even by the people who are doing the disrupting!

I remember wishing we could have a memorial service of sorts for our son because it felt like he had died....except he hadn't. Our dreams were dead, empty things now that we knew our little boy wouldn't thrive in our home and how that hurt! I remember sitting in our camper at Penn Valley (a conservative christian adoption retreat) and feeling bitter and angry about our situation. I felt like nobody understood, here was a group of people celebrating adoption and we were deep in the pain of disruption. I heartily wished we had just stayed home. I called a friend who has walked a similar path and poured out my heart to her. She assured me of her prayers and as we talked, she guided me into a better frame of mind. 

God heard and answered her prayers and that afternoon through a God ordained event, I was blessed to have a group of friends encircle me while I cried. Having someone come alongside you when you are in deep emotional pain is priceless. Those tears were the beginning of a long path to healing, something that is still a work in progress.

Why do I share this? Because I am becoming aware of just how many family's are out there facing disruption all alone. Many parents make the decision to disrupt not because they are mean or vindictive, or even because they are tired of living the restricted lifestyle necessary when parenting children with intense behaviors. They disrupt because they truly believe the child will do better in another family. Perhaps the child needs a fresh start, many of these children make life very miserable for their family and when they begin to heal, some are unable to move past what happened. Other family's run out of money, some have younger children whom their child preys upon, still others are in poor health due to years of stress and chaos. These parents love their children, in fact they love them enough to lay aside their desire's and focus instead on what is best for their child.

Chances are good that you will come in contact with a family who has disrupted an adoption sometime and when that happens, offer your support. It may not make sense to you but that is okay, we don't have to agree with the choices others make in order to support them. A hug, gift, note or a few words of encouragement may be what makes the day bearable for a family who has made a decision that they never dreamed they would have to make.

Help For Families In Crisis - Life With RAD

  What are parents to do when they have children with RAD and they are nearing the breaking point? The other week I wrote a post entitled: Get Help Before You Break - Life With RAD. What I failed to add is where to get the help you need. I had a reader send this question: "What do you do when there is no help and you are at the breaking point?" She wasn't expecting me to reply because she knows as well as I, that there is no one size fits all answer to this problem. I have been tossing this around in my head, trying to come up with a solution because many of the mom's who contact me are in the same situation. Their child is making life unbearable, their health is failing and they are losing their remaining children's hearts. They need help and they need it now. They have gone to therapy, they are trained trauma parents, they have been to psychiatrists they have tried everything and the situation only grows worse. 

   When a mom comes to me and is in that place, it scares me because I know exactly what the family is up against. There is a lot more at stake here than losing their child, their faith is shaken, their trust in fellow humanity is gone, they are nearing the point of being suicidal because they cannot go on and there is no one to help them. When families reach this place they are in crisis and need more than one person can give, they need a whole community to rally around them. They need someone to intervene and take all their responsibilities so they can focus on healing. But that is a huge task and these families already feel as though they are a drain on their church and community. It is hard to continually be the needy family and not be able to give in return.

   As I was pondering this situation I wondered what could be done so families who have children with attachment disorders do not find themselves at this breaking point? I came to the conclusion that they need another couple to help them parent. 

   When B was home we never left him with a babysitter, the price was simply to high. When your child hates you, you are loath to give them more ammunition to use against you. I won't go in to explaining why this is, you can read here about the triangulation, manipulation and control that makes placing a child with RAD at a sitter impossible. That means mom and dad never get time together away from the children. If an older couple would be willing to learn how to care for the child and could give the parents a break that would be so helpful. We once left B with a trained RAD respite provider our therapist told us about. Even though this person was trained, she did not know B's particular methods of control and manipulation, so despite her best efforts he came away feeling triumphant because he succeeded in manipulating her. While he thrived on manipulation it scared him when he was successful because that meant he was smarter than the adults who were supposed to be keeping him safe.

   Having someone being the mediator for the family would be so helpful. These children are masters at pushing their parents beyond what they can handle. Having to explain why they parent as they do and continually having to be on guard wears these parents down. If there was someone to whom they could direct those with questions and concerns it would be such a blessing.

   Perhaps having someone who could give the parents a scheduled break as well as provide a safe buffer between them and the rest of the world would keep families from reaching the crisis point. 

  I don't know if there are any couples out there who would be willing to undertake such an enormous task but I honestly think having someone who has their back would ease the isolation and pain parents feel when caring for a child who is so emotionally damaged that he cannot accept love. Such a couple might provide enough of support that the parents could give their child what he needs without sacrificing their health, family and marriage. 

  Having someone to speak truth into their lives may be what keeps a couple from seriously questioning or even abandoning their faith. When you have a child who is trying their best to hurt you, make you crack, perhaps is even seeking to do away with you, it is really hard to remember that this child is doing this out of fear and pain. If someone who really knows what life is like from day to day would daily pour Gods word into your heart, it would be such a blessing.

  If anyone has tried this I would love to hear about it. How did you make it work? What were some of the pitfalls?


  

Get Help Before You Break - Life With RAD

   B's therapist repeatedly told me, "Know your limits, you are not helping anyone if you crash emotionally or physically." That was excellent advice, but she wasn't able to tell me what to do when I had had enough.

  In most abusive situations, the "victim" is not stuck with the abuser. When your child has RAD, you are stuck. Some are physically abusive while other's like B, are emotionally abusive. When you are the parent charged with the responsibility to love and nurture this child it can feel like you are trapped. What makes it  worse is that everyone else views your abuser as a sweet and lovable child. When your child hates you and everyone else exclaims how sweet he is, it can mess with your mind. You begin viewing yourself as an awful person, defective in some way.

  I remember the day when I reached my breaking point with B. Up until that day there had been many times when I threatened to throw in towel, whatever that may have looked like but I knew it wasn't an option. I knew I would try again the next morning no matter how horrible the day may have been. 

   There were certainly times when I tried to think of ways to get out of the situation but I was always able to get my mind back on track. I always had the emotional stamina to try again, even if that stamina was hard to come by. But there came a time that I feared I would do something awful in a weak moment. B would push me to the edge, nudge me a bit further and then step back and smirk. I knew he was trying me out, how far could he push me before I cracked? Eventually I came to the place where I didn't trust myself anymore and let me tell you, that is an awful place to be. When you don't trust yourself and you have a child who is doing his very best to push you over the edge, and you and the child both know he is very nearly succeeding, you are in a dangerous place.

  I told Dean I need help, "Something has to give, it is either me or B, we can't both live here," I said. Over the years there were many times when I cried the same thing but a good nights rest usually gave me the boost I needed. This was different, Dean and I both knew it. "Are you just tired, or are you serious?" Dean asked. 

"This is my cry for help," I said, "I need help, something has to give or I am afraid I will do something awful." That was the conversation that led to placing B at TAP. I felt awful, like I was giving up on my child but I also knew I was circling a dangerous pit, the edge was slippery and at any time I could plunge over the edge.

  B's therapist was very understanding, she repeated the words that had helped us decide that something must be done, "If you crash, you will not be able to help anyone," She reminded me, "Your other children need you, Dean needs you." Those words brought the first layer of healing to my bleeding heart.

  Why do I share this? Because I know there are parents out there, reading this blog who are drawing near the point of no return, the place where something has to change. My cry is, "Don't wait until there is a crisis, get help for you and your child now." There are to many parents who waited, cracked and did things they never would have done before they reached the place where they acted out of pain.

Children with RAD push their parents so hard because they are afraid of love. If they allow themselves to love, they give the parent the opportunity to hurt them by rejecting that love. They were hurt once, they will not be hurt again. These children need our love and support, they are terrified and in a hard place themselves. I wrote this post because there is much information out there on how to love these hurting children but the truth is, there are some times when you have to choose between allowing this child to destroy you and your family and placing them in a treatment program or even finding them a new home.

Fatigue Times Ten

     The fatigue that blindsided me the past weeks, caught me by surprise. There have been many times through the years when a debilitating fatigue has come and settled in for a lengthy visit. The kind of tiredness that makes me set the cruise coming up the drive and looking forward to surgery because I know I can sleep as much as I wish. 
                     
       This week has me envying the animals that have the privilege of hibernating all winter. Wouldn't it be wonderful to sleep for months on end?

    Mom's who have been through similar circumstances said, "Give yourself time, it will get better... maybe in a year." I wanted to cry, a year?!! 
               
    I thought handing Braden's care onto someone else would bring healing and I could relax, I didn't think I be so tired I can hardly function. I guess all the years of being strong, of constantly being on guard for the next problem and trying to make everything okay have taken a larger toll than I thought.
    
    The quote about resting after a shower is meant to be humorous but sadly there is a lot of truth in it.

   My friend had an awesome analogy: If there is an accident and someone is trapped beneath a vehicle, rescuers can lift that vehicle off the victim, thanks to the surge of adrenaline they 
experience, but afterward they are exhausted. Parenting a child with RAD is like constantly lifting that car, our bodies are designed to endure bursts of adrenaline to help us in dangerous situations but we were not created for a constant flow of adrenaline. 
   Eventually our adrenal glands deplete themselves, and most times that is when people crash and get the rest and help they need. But when you are a mom and responsible for the care and safety of an emotionally unstable child, you keep going because the alternative is....well, there isn't an alternative. Mom is the one who must care for the child if he is to have a chance at healing. 
   Then when the responsibility of your child's care is transferred to other capable shoulders, you anticipate, at least I did, more energy and the desire to enlarge your relationships, instead you get debilitating fatigue. Yuck!

                                
          

"I am so happy I got this debilitating fatigue so I can stay in bed for the rest of my life instead of participating in society," said no tired person ever.


                                          
                     

Our Experience: When CPS Falsely Accused Us

  I have always wanted to write a post about our experience with CYS but 2 years later my emotions are still raw. I still get a lump in my throat, my heart beats faster and my stomach threatens to turn over when I think of those awful months we had. Months of not knowing whether or not we could adopt the little girl who had been in our home for 18 months, the little girl we had come to love as our own.

    In June of 2013 we placed our son Braden at Tap (The Attachment Place). Despite ongoing therapy, Braden was growing steadily worse. He was older, stronger and in school so he had more people to manipulate, more people to "tell stories" to. Dean and I felt God leading us to find a treatment home for him, somewhere where he would receive therapy 24/7 versus 1 hour a week, which by the way, is often inadequate for a child with RAD.

    At the time of placement, we were pursuing adopting Lia. Parental rights were terminated but mom appealed so we were waiting to hear from the judge.

    One day CYS called Dean and I into their office because they had some questions for us. Legitimate questions which we were only to happy to answer. I want to add that they were only doing their job by asking questions. One of their concerns was that we "got rid" of Braden. Rueters had just released information about what they called rehoming. And Children and Youth Services were under scrutiny by many people, so they obviously wanted to be sure we hadn't passed Braden "Under the table" where he could vanish without a trace. We shared information on TAP, explained why we placed him there as well as answered any other questions they had. Finally the caseworker agreed that we did what was necessary, we made this decision for Braden's emotional well being not out of spite, so they left Lia stay. We rejoiced and thought that was the end of it.

   From time to time I asked Lia's caseworker C, if they had any concerns and she assured me they didn't. 

  In October, the 3rd to be exact, S from COBYS, the agency who did the adoption paperwork came to our home to gather more information about Lia, which is the customary practice. She insisted Dean be here when she comes. It didn't really suit him but she was adamant that he be home when she comes for her visit.

   S made small talk then asked if we were aware that CYS still had serious concerns about allowing us to adopt Lia. We were speechless, I had asked C just one week prior if there were any concerns and she said there weren't.

   We asked S how to handle the situation, should we be hiring an attorney? She said it was up to us but she thinks it would be best if Dean and I, herself and all the CYS staff involved in Lia's case were to sit down and discuss the issue. She promised to attend as she was Braden's advocate through some prior interaction we had with COBYS, other than adoption that is.

   Emails flew between S, C, Dean and myself, not all of them good, as S struggled to have CYS agree to a meeting. We finally scheduled a meeting in October. In the meantime we did hire an attorney as we sensed CYS wasn't being totally honest with us. We informed CYS we had hired an attorney and she would be attending our meeting, which in retrospect was not wise.

    When the day of the meeting finally arrived, we met D, our attorney and proceeded to the CYS office where we met C and her supervisor D. Right away we knew things were bad, they were less than cordial and C wouldn't look us in the eye. We proceeded to the meeting which began with a bang. Accusation upon accusation. D our attorney, interrupted and asked if everyone could please introduce themselves, which we did. J, CYS' attorney was in attendance as well as C and her supervisor D, our resource worker A, and her supervisor M. Poor Dean was the only male in a room of women, all of whom had one mission: settle Lia's fate.

     Without going into great detail, here are a few accusations we faced: We were getting rid of Braden, which made us parents of the worse kind, I was mentally unstable etc.... none of which was true. The meeting became a heated, one sided yelling match. CYS told us we were awful people, bad parents and said they never should have allowed us to foster or adopt....they had concerns about us all along they said. In the end they unanimously agreed that Lia must be moved ASAP. Everyone that is except Lia's guardian, B. CYS said they would give B 2 weeks to decide if Lia should be moved, if she agreed, then they would begin looking for another resource family, if not the case would go to court where a judge would decide. 

          B said she didn't think CYS' accusations were enough to warrant moving Lia after she had been in our home 18 months, but of course she would be thoroughly investigating the matter. We thanked her and with tears, turned to go home. We had many people praying that day and I knew they were wondering how things had gone so I sent mom this brief text: "looks like we will loose Lia, don't call me, I can't talk"

   That afternoon I sat and held Lia. She wiped the tears from my eyes making me sob even harder. "Why God?" I asked. We followed your leading, we placed Braden at TAP because we love him and want him to get help while he is young enough to heal, what did we do wrong?" It seemed as if God was silent and my heart broke into a million different pieces.

    The next day my mom came because I was to emotionally exhausted to care for my family. I remember eating a total of one teaspoon of soup, food simply wouldn't go down. I couldn't eat, Dean couldn't eat. Of course our traumatized children reacted to such a huge change in us and reacted accordingly. Dean told Tristan a little of what we were facing because Tristan was so concerned about us. Lia woke up multiple times a night whimpering, "Mommy! Mommy!" Sometimes she wasn't even awake, she simply cried out in her sleep. And my heart broke a little more if that were possible.

      S, Lia's adoption worker wasn't at the meeting and I was hurt because I felt she could have spoken on our behalf and perhaps calmed the other people down. When I asked her about it she said CYS never told her they were having a meeting. "They didn't want me there because they knew that I knew what they were doing wasn't right," was her conclusion. 

   Shortly thereafter we began to get emails from CYS with further accusations. We received them any time, day or night and once on a Sunday morning. The accusations ran from not allowing Braden to go to Sunday School, to locking him in his room, which we did not do.

   Through various means a man from Philadelphia by the name of J called Dean. It turned out J was over various children and youth agencies and he was going to be auditing our particular agency the following day. He asked for names and other information, then promised to get back with us. J fully understood why we needed to place Braden where he could get more therapy and thanked Dean for his honesty.

   After J's visit, the emails stopped abruptly and we wondered what had unfolded. When J finally called back he wasn't concerned. He said Lia's GAL (guardian at litem) did not want Lia moved and he himself didn't think CYS had a case. 

   In January Dean and I had to go for Forensic Parenting Evaluations, where we were evaluated (cross examined) to see if our stories lined up as well as to see if we were emotionally stable and competent parents. The man doing the evaluation said we were parents who had a difficult child, we did what we thought was best but our caseworker was pushing the issue to far. Those aren't his exact words but I shall refrain from sharing them in their entirety here.

   Whether we would adopt Lia or not, depended on the evaluation and while we knew that the evaluation was in our favor, we were still very anxious as we waited and waited to here what the agency had to say. One day when C came for her monthly visit and said, "You may adopt! I am so glad the county is finally allowing you to adopt Lia!" Dean and I looked at each other as if to say, "What? You were the one sounding the alarm and making the accusations!"

   From that visit onward, C never came to our home alone, she always had another caseworker with her. I don't know if she expected us to retaliate or do something to get back at her or what. 
   
   This post is only a small piece of the story. I will add that up until this episode we had enjoyed a good relationship with the various people from our agency. This experience was hard, it is extremely hard to love a child, plan to adopt him or her only to face having her removed due to false allegations. I struggled knowing how to relate to Lia, I loved her dearly but in my humanness I wanted to shield my heart from further pain by placing a wall between us. However when I heard her sad cries and held her as she clung to me day and night, I knew there was no way I could possibly do less than give her my full heart, all my love and if I had to give her up I would have to trust that God knew best. Oh but it was so hard!!! Thanks to the many people who were on my "secret email list." When things seemed to be out of our control or when my fears threatened to overcome me, I sent out an email asking for prayer and without fail God came through! Sometimes the situation was resolved, other times he removed our fear and a deep peace settled in our hearts.

   Sometime during this experience God impressed upon my mind these words: Stand still and see the salvation of the Lord! This was such a comfort when we would be faced with an an accusation yet again.

   While this was hard, God used it for his good. I can now say that, "God is all I need." I knew that even if our worst fears came to pass, I would be okay because God was by my side. How did I know this? Even when we were certain she would be leaving, we had a peace that can only come from God. JESUS is all I will ever NEED! What a blessing, what a privilege, what an honor to have the King of kings meeting our every need!

*I use CPS (Child Protection Services) and CYS (Children and Youth Services) interchangeably in my blog. The agency we fostered with was called CYS but CPS is a much more common term

Decisions

If God be for us, who can be against us?  Romans 8:31

I am repeating that verse over and over to myself this week. Next week we will be making some possible decisions about Braden's future. Right now that path looks like a dark tunnel without direction as to which way we should turn. We have been praying that God would make his will clear to us and give us the grace to accept whatever his will may be. God has been faithful every step of the way thus far and when we look back over the past few years we can clearly see God's hand in how events unfolded. So WHY do I doubt? Why do I fear and tremble? I must admit part of my problem is self, that nasty thing that keeps popping up in my life. I find crucifying the desires of the flesh is an ongoing battle. I have a huge fear of being misunderstood and falsely accused like we were when we placed Braden at TAP. I wonder...did we really do enough? Can I stand under the stories that are passed along however well intended they may be? We love Braden as a son and it feel's like betrayal to be even thinking of making plans other than his home coming. We have sought much advice and everyone is giving the same direction but still we second guess ourselves. Will you all please pray for us next week? 

Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.  Joshua 1:9