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Thursday, July 21, 2016

When The Mountain Is Big, Bigger Is Our God - Thoughts On Dissolution

    Yesterday marked 6 years that Dean and I stood before the judge at a local courthouse and promised to love and care for two little boys as our own flesh and blood. 
  

 I remember the high hopes we had that day, hopes that one of our sons would be able to bond with us now that he was permanently ours, surely he would feel more secure when he realized he was ours forever? Little did we know that the very act of adoption would only make things worse. I thought perhaps we were the only parents naive enough to think adoption would make our child feel secure enough to bond, but last night I was reading various articles on RAD and FASD when I realized many parents have this same hope. We didn't understand then that the added closeness of adoption was exactly the opposite of what B wanted, it terrified him. Poor boy, we didn't know!

  

    This year is a year of firsts for us. B's first birthday without us and the first anniversary of finalization are only a few. I was feeling very melancholy yesterday as I tried to sort out the emotions churning in my heart. I am finding as the months pass, I temporarily forget the pain and fear caring for B brought, things I thought I would never forget. Truly time is a great healer, but I know there will always be an ache when we think of B. As I was typing this post, I heard this song playing and while B hasn't
"gone on before," our hearts still grieve a huge loss and this song resonated with me.

 They say tears are a language of the heart,
That when in pain words are only in part.
How could we ever measure our love,
Oh we miss you and we long for your touch.

When the mountain is big, bigger is our God!
He see's the greater picture from the start,
The crisis is a platform where his grace is perfected,
When the mountain is big, bigger is our God!

They say there's nothing that's to big for our God,
 But when in the valley its so hard to see the top.
The tears we cry are bitter sweet but with thanksgiving,
Cause we're still with the dying and your now with the living.

Jesus conquered death and now it's a stepping stone for the Child of God to reach that heavenly home.
When the mountain is big, bigger is our God, 
He see's the greater picture from the start. 

The crisis is a platform where his grace is perfected, 
When the mountain is big, bigger is our God...

                          -Amos Raber



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