Will you be there for me?
Will you catch me if I fall?
Do you have my back?
Our children base everything they do on these questions. Most times it isn't a conscious decision, they don't think, "Mom might not take care of me," after which a sense of fear overwhelms them and they either shut down or throw a tantrum. Instead what usually happens is something triggers the memory of feeling abandoned and their behavior deteriorates from there. A child who has a good bond with his parents may experience the same situation, he may feel fear but he goes to his parents for comfort and security whereas children from hard places immediately assume they will be left to fend for themselves and they panic.
Sometimes I wonder if we will ever reach the place where our children will default to, "I am loved, I am wanted, I am needed," instead of always coming up against the rock wall of, "But you might leave me this time."
Yesterday marked the second week of school and the noise from little people trying to adjust to the change in their lives has my ears begging for mercy. One whined, one refused to follow instructions and the third melted down in a puddle of tears whenever I tried to figure out what was wrong. While I expected this fall out, as is usual, I was blindsided by the intensity of it.
After helping Joseph work through a melt down that honestly didn't make much sense, I got to thinking, "This is all about trusting that mom and dad will be there for me." I was tempted to throw my hands up in defeat. We have poured love, time... our whole hearts into helping our children feel loved and cared for but they still worry we are going to walk out on them!
I know the new school year is what triggered this anxiety. All summer the children spent their time at home with me. Their days were fairly routine and best of all, they always knew where mom was. Now they go to school and don't see Dean or I for 6 plus hours. They don't know if I will be there when they get home from school, even though I always am. They don't know if I decided I am tired of being a mom and walked out the door. You and I know that is an absurd thought but my children don't know that. They each had another mom who they think did just that. If their biological mom didn't take care of them what is keeping me from doing the same thing?
The other evening Kiana was trying to figure out how she will find someone to take care of them when Dean and I die. My heart broke for her! Kiana said, "I guess I will just start walking up the road till I find someone." I listed our neighbors and reminded her that Tristan could call someone if that were to happen. "But I don't want you to worry about mom and dad dying," I said. "When your mind wants to think about that kind of thing, I want you to come to me for a hug or sing a song. Sometimes we have to make our brains stop thinking about the things that bother us," I explained. That is a big task for an 8 year old but I knew I needed to give her something that she could do to help herself.
Sometimes the way looks long but for now we will keep doing our best and leave the rest up to God.
Will you catch me if I fall?
Do you have my back?
Our children base everything they do on these questions. Most times it isn't a conscious decision, they don't think, "Mom might not take care of me," after which a sense of fear overwhelms them and they either shut down or throw a tantrum. Instead what usually happens is something triggers the memory of feeling abandoned and their behavior deteriorates from there. A child who has a good bond with his parents may experience the same situation, he may feel fear but he goes to his parents for comfort and security whereas children from hard places immediately assume they will be left to fend for themselves and they panic.
Sometimes I wonder if we will ever reach the place where our children will default to, "I am loved, I am wanted, I am needed," instead of always coming up against the rock wall of, "But you might leave me this time."
Yesterday marked the second week of school and the noise from little people trying to adjust to the change in their lives has my ears begging for mercy. One whined, one refused to follow instructions and the third melted down in a puddle of tears whenever I tried to figure out what was wrong. While I expected this fall out, as is usual, I was blindsided by the intensity of it.
After helping Joseph work through a melt down that honestly didn't make much sense, I got to thinking, "This is all about trusting that mom and dad will be there for me." I was tempted to throw my hands up in defeat. We have poured love, time... our whole hearts into helping our children feel loved and cared for but they still worry we are going to walk out on them!
I know the new school year is what triggered this anxiety. All summer the children spent their time at home with me. Their days were fairly routine and best of all, they always knew where mom was. Now they go to school and don't see Dean or I for 6 plus hours. They don't know if I will be there when they get home from school, even though I always am. They don't know if I decided I am tired of being a mom and walked out the door. You and I know that is an absurd thought but my children don't know that. They each had another mom who they think did just that. If their biological mom didn't take care of them what is keeping me from doing the same thing?
The other evening Kiana was trying to figure out how she will find someone to take care of them when Dean and I die. My heart broke for her! Kiana said, "I guess I will just start walking up the road till I find someone." I listed our neighbors and reminded her that Tristan could call someone if that were to happen. "But I don't want you to worry about mom and dad dying," I said. "When your mind wants to think about that kind of thing, I want you to come to me for a hug or sing a song. Sometimes we have to make our brains stop thinking about the things that bother us," I explained. That is a big task for an 8 year old but I knew I needed to give her something that she could do to help herself.
Sometimes the way looks long but for now we will keep doing our best and leave the rest up to God.
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