Saturday, November 5, 2016

Triggers, Trauma And Life

  Parenting children with trauma creates traumatized parents.

Our children have been struggling with school this year prompting many phone calls and texts from their teachers asking for advice. If you are one of my children's teachers, thanks for calling it is what we want you to do, nevertheless hearing my phone ring is traumatic. The other day Dean went hunting for awhile before going to work. He had his phone lying on the counter and he kept receiving texts. I jumped and my adrenaline started pumping each time it made a sound. Panic set in and I immediately began wondering which child was struggling. Telling myself to calm down because it wasn't even my phone made no difference. 

   The other evening I was listening to a webinar by Deborah Gray on, Practical Tips For Disciplining While Maintaining Attachment. She said something that grabbed my attention. Our mornings have been anything but peaceful and sending my children out the door to school with unresolved issues is partly why I jump so badly when my phone rings.

 "Sometimes a child will act out to create a distance between you and him emotionally because he knows he will soon have to say good bye. When he creates the distance by acting out, he feels more in control." This is a brief paraphrase of what Deborah explained in detail.

   Kiana acts very much like a child with RAD on school mornings. She is nasty, defiant, disobedient and irritable, nothing I do makes a difference. I have tried loving her, ignoring her, kissing her hand so she has a kiss to take to school, putting notes in her lunch, talking to her and holding her among multitudes of other things. Nothing has made a bit of difference. I was certain there was something behind it and she had a list of reasons but none of them seemed to be quite the right answer.

   I am almost certain that Kiana is actively putting up a wall of anger and defiance because she cannot bear the thought of leaving. Leaving has always been a trigger for her, so this makes sense. Now that I know what is going on, I feel better equipped to handle the situation. I need to be kind, gentle and loving besides being proactive in finding ways to alleviate her anxiety. I find having things to try and knowing why my child acts as he does goes a long way in reducing my stress.

I received this book to preview. It is written by an adoptee who gives a glimpse into her world, while affirming adoptive parents and giving constructive criticism.

Lia made this lamb at school. 

My cheerful dish dryer. Joseph's teacher was sick one day this week so I kept him home. He wasn't sure which is harder doing school work or helping mom. :)

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