This week has been been rough, really rough. There were several things that played into it, I am coming out of several weeks of a nasty withdrawal which always leaves me feeling emotional, Christmas is coming which is hard for Joseph and Kiana finished her amoxicillin which we thought wasn't helping but in hind sight we now see it was knocking the edge off her symptoms.
You know, it is easy to say things like:
-"Tomorrow will be better"
-"Everyone has something they have to work through"
-"God will help you"
-"Take one minute at a time"
-"Be glad you don't have XYZ like so and so does, you wouldn't want that either."
But when you honestly don't know if you can make it through another hour, those things aren't very helpful. You need tangible evidence, you need help, you need something to give, you need hope.
When you are beaten down and weary and your child goes into another rage leaving her siblings covering their ears and running for cover, tomorrow doesn't really matter. It is getting through today that is the problem.
When the phone rings several times during the day because your children are melting down at school and you don't know what to do anymore than the teacher but you know you must do something, it is easy to feel discouraged.
When you are desperate for help and the doctor says, "Try therapy," and you know she doesn't know what else to do, it is easy to feel frustrated. You know that while the doctor can tell you there isn't anything more she can do, you are still stuck with trying to find help.
I told Dean that perhaps we should pack up and go somewhere remote until mid January. Hopefully I will be feeling better by then, and Christmas will be past so my children will no longer be over stimulated. He replied, "When do we leave?"
This morning someone on one of my support groups posted the question, "What do you do when you can't do this anymore?" Someone shared the following poem:
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you are trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low, and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit -
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer, with it's twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a fellow turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow
Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man;
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the winners cup;
And he learned to late when the night came down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out -
The silver tint in the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It might be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when your hardest hit -
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.
And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not. Galatians 6:9
And Jesus looking upon them saith, With man it is impossible, but not with God: for with God all things are possible. Mark 10:27
Recently someone encouraged us to pursue peace. As of this morning I am going to stop trying to make thing better. I know that at this point in life, things probably won't get better at least not for a long time. Instead, we will pursue peace. Peace in our home - would that include no rages :) - and peace in our hearts because without that inner peace we truly are without hope.