Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Fear - The Root Problem


You cannot run away from your problems. A problem is a problem until you get to the root of the problem.

My days are spent trying to help my children work through their root problem's. Trying to help someone who cannot or will not work through their problems is beyond frustrating! 

Many children who have experienced trauma are experts at developing coping mechanisms so they won't have to address the root issue. Coping mechanisms are great when we find ourselves in dire straights but when we use them to avoid dealing with the something, they can quickly become a problem.

Our children have deep seated issues with abandonment and for good reason. They were "left" by the very people who should have been there for them. The problem is, they are now with people who love them and want to help them but their brains/bodies cannot make that change. This means every issue that comes up is viewed through the lens of, "When mom and dad leave me."

Last night Dean had a meeting to attend. The children did pretty well. I had Joseph in bed before Dean went out the door and Kiana was well on her way through her bedtime routine. Lia typically feeds off the older two, so having them in bed early meant she didn't melt down. Our morning was the polar opposite of last night. Such a stomping, screaming and slamming of doors! Made me extra glad we went around to our nearest neighbors a little over a year ago and explained a little about what we are dealing with. 

I had to go to school for one child today. The child ended up coming home and spending the day with me. Daddy being away last night wasn't the main problem but it certainly played in to it. This child has been checking out school library books about death and animal attacks. These books that aren't wrong in themselves but when a child intentionally fills her mind with drama so she doesn't have to think about her big feelings, it becomes a problem. 

Kiana will do anything to keep her big feelings at bay. She will bury them, deny them, ignore them, be over the top happy, chatter constantly and shovel in food among other things. I feel bad for her because I know we don't deal with her big feelings these coping mechanisms are going to follow her into adulthood. Thankfully we are nearing the end of the year long waiting list for an attachment therapist who comes highly recommended.

Joseph used to do many of these things but he has gotten to the place where life is so confusing for him that he is usually glad for our help in sorting out his feelings. Rather than bury his feelings, he will sooner melt down as is typical for FASD. There are times when he will take us down bunny trails to avoid talking about something, but we have learned that when he does that it is usually because he truly doesn't understand what we are talking about.

Tonight Dean took Tristan to the Sportsmans Show. We are making a conscious effort to fill his love tank and this show is something he has been begging to go to. The only trouble is, daddy is now gone two nights in a row and while the children did okay one evening, they aren't very forgiving about two consecutive nights.  

FaceTime is our favorite tool to use when Dean gets home after the children are in bed and is gone before they wake up the next morning. Being able to see daddy makes a huge difference, however there are times when we just have to deal with the fallout because even seeing daddy doesn't take away the fear. They are certain that what they have always feared has come to pass....daddy left them.

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