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Friday, February 9, 2018

The Real Reason, "Adopted Children Don't Turn Out"

If you are an adoptive parent, chances are you have either been told to your face or had it not so subtly implied that, "Adopted children don't turn out." 

As a human being that comment makes my blood boil, as an adoptive parent it hurts deep inside. I long to correct the speaker and explain why adopted children may be more prone to making poor choices. I want to change their condescending attitude to one of empathy.

I am sure you have already heard a story and onto the end it was tacked the comment, "Well, he/she is adopted." As if that explains everything. 

I think, and I am open to correction on this, that people who feel adoption is what makes a child "not turn out," have a sense of security in that mindset. See, if adoption is the cause of an individual's poor choices, then their children who are not adopted somehow have a better chance of avoiding similar pitfalls.

I agree that children who are adopted may tend to make more poor choices than their peers who grew up in stable, secure homes. BUT
I also think those same peers would be making very similar choices if circumstances were switched.

See, adoption isn't what makes children "not turn out well," it is TRAUMA. It is not the child's fault he was born to a mother who was buried in her own traumatic past. It isn't his fault those early childhood experiences affected his brain, leaving him in a panicked state of mind. It isn't his fault that he was born to parents who were addicted to substances and as a result were unable to provide the care he needs. And before you blame the parents, remember: Trauma is the root of addiction.

So the next time you hear a story that ends with a whispered, "Well, he is adopted," take a moment to enlighten the speaker about the effects of trauma. 

Remember the quote, "There, but for the grace of God, go I." Show some empathy for the person who has made a poor choice. Come alongside him and hold him up when he feels weak. Encourage him and offer your support. You will help him more than you will ever know.


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