Monday, October 8, 2018

Finding Peace While Fighting Lyme

The past months have been one wild roller coaster ride. I thought I knew about Lyme after all we went through with Kiana during the last two years, but I came to find out that I had no clue, none. I didn't know how horrible the human body can feel, how rotten from the inside out. Kiana was unable to tell me how she felt beyond complaining that her head hurts or her stomach doesn't feel well. She would roll and toss on her bed, throw her body against the wall, and scream. I didn't know how to help her, and if I am honest, there were times when I felt she was being overly dramatic. I don't think that anymore, in fact, I now wonder how she kept going with how terrible she must have felt.

 Lyme has a way of putting blinders about your eye's and brain, so you can only see and focus on yourself not a good thing for a mom. I have been spending my days on the sofa, pounding Heavens Gate's pleading for answer's and  struggling to find joy and purpose in life. When I emailed a friend telling her my woes, she said, "You sound as if Pharoah's army is behind you and the Red Sea is before you! That was a pretty apt description of the terror and emotional overload that Lyme is known to inflict on those with the disease. Lyme, coupled with teaching and parenting traumatized children, was pushing me under and I felt like my prayers weren't being heard. Home schooling was/is my biggest struggle and everywhere I turned I was met with another solid wall.

Then last night Kiana came to me and said she needs to talk. This in and of itself is a huge improvement. Maybe the oft repeated message, "Use your words!" Is finally sinking in! Getting off the sofa and walking back to her room required a huge amount of energy on my part, but the poor girl has only had a shadow of a mom here of late, so I mustered up the energy to follow her. She has had some traumatic experiences in life and while some counselling would be helpful, with her it is never that easy. Anyway, she said, "Mom, sometimes I think God doesn't even care about me anymore. He keeps letting me get hurt and I am not like everyone else and it just isn't fair!" 

I had to smile to myself because I had just been having a similar discussion with God. I knew I was being irrational, but I couldn't seem to help myself, now I had my daughter looking to me for answers and I knew I couldn't just give her a glossed over reply because she really wanted help. This is what I told her, "Kiana, mom has been struggling with the same feelings. I feel like God doesn't hear me either, things just don't get better and I feel like giving up. I know exactly how you feel." We talked about sin and how God gives everyone a free will, which means people will make bad choice's, we will get hurt and bad things will happen. We will lose loved one's, our health, our friends, and there will be times when life doesn't seem worth living. I explained that Satan wants her to feel discouraged, he wants me to feel discouraged, and if we let ourselves think that God doesn't care Satan is getting the upper hand. She connected with that thought and we talked about ways we can help ourselves climb, and stay, out of the rut of discouragement even when our brain's and body's feel sick. 

When Kiana jumped over to the Lego house she had built and began showing me her newest creation I knew the crisis was over, but it wasn't only Kiana that was feeling better, I was too! Somehow having to verbalize all that, having to put my self pity aside and come up with biblical answers to her questions, made me realize just how far down the wrong trail I myself had gone. 

I saw a quote recently that said: 

"We are too prone to engrave our trials in marble, and write our blessings in sand."
                        C.H. Spurgeon

I was quite challenged by that quote because in reality, God has worked many miracle's in the past year, but instead of focusing on them I am so prone to focus on the day to day struggle of putting one foot in front of the other. So as I sit, I will count my blessings, rather than fret about the, "What if's."

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