Wednesday, November 19, 2014

From Sorrow to Gratefulness

I have to be honest and say the past week has been hard, really hard. I am down in the dumps of "why me" land.I wish I didn't know anything about RAD, FASD, addictions, CYS, attorneys and treatment homes. I wish my children wouldn't have to suffer from things they had no control over. Watching my little girl sobbing because of her deep concern for her birth mom and being unable to do anything besides comfort her to the best of my ability....it hurts and I don't like feeling that pain. When my 3 year old see's a multi story building and asks if her birth mom lives there and then says, "Can we go see my mommy_____?" What is there to say? I hurt because she has questions that she is still to little to put into words. She is no longer the innocent baby, unaware of her past circumstances. It is so hard being a mom and helping your children grieve another mom.
     All three children have been having a really hard time processing things this week. I am not sure what is prompting them to bring all this pain to the surface unless they are sensing the heavy weight that has been hanging over their parents and are reacting to it. It has been a long time since we had as many tears flowing as we did this evening. I think we have all the issues worked through and hopefully they can face tomorrow with happier hearts.
  Yesterday it was my turn to drive school children and I was well, pitying myself as I drove. I was drawn from my pity party when I heard a program where the question was being asked, "why me?" Why does God allow us to walk through these hard places? The story was told of a little girl who was praying for her daddy's release from prison where he was serving time for following Jesus. She was beginning to doubt God because he wasn't answering her prayer. Her daddy sent her a long letter explaining how Gods ways are so much greater than ours, He see's the big picture when we only see a small portion. The father closed his letter with this, we should not ask why, but WHO. Who is in control? Who has ordered my steps? I went on my way deep in thought with noble intentions to keep my mind on Jesus. In spite of those ideals I stumbled and fell so many times today. Guilt keeps tripping me up. Guilt that we couldn't reach Braden, guilt that the load feels so heavy when there are others who would gladly trade burdens with us, guilt that I am struggling, guilt for my responses when people ask how things are going and I dump everything that is weighing me down.

I wrote the above post last night, when things were looking pretty overwhelming. This morning my first graders went off to school cheerfully without a single meltdown, something that hasn't happened in the past two weeks. The sun is shining and Miss Lia is soon going for a nap because she was up at least five times last night. I love having her home with me but I also enjoy her nap time. Today things look manageable with God's help.

BECAUSE OF YOU  -Jaqueline Buricaga

Because you picked me up when I struggled to get through
Because you healed my heart when I was thrown and shattered
Because you, gave me hope when it seemed so out of reach
Because you filled me with peace when chaos flowed through my veins
Because you showed me the light when there was only darkness
Because you gave me comfort when my voice cried out in pain
Because you reassured me when doubts screamed in my head
Because you kept me going when it seemed there was nowhere to go
Because you sustained me with strength when weakness became all I knew
Because you came and stayed when everyone else turned and left
Because you gave me purpose when life seemed pointless
Because you  restored my happiness when life seemed ready to snatch it away
Because you helped me to let go when I gripped the tightest to hold on
Because you showed me the beauty of life when the world showed me nothing but hate and corruption
Because you gave me a better life when the old one fought to come back
Because I am nothing without you, nothing but a hopeless being
Because only You could tear down my wall of pride and build it back up with love and humbleness
Because of all this, I give you my life Lord
I will put all my fears and failures in your hands, my worry that consumes me, my pain that destroys me
You were always there, even when I rejected You
Because of all You are, my life, Oh God is Yours

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