Friday, January 2, 2015

Where Was My Faith

    Most years find me wandering aimlessly on January 2.  I love the Christmas Season so much I have to be careful I don't get lost in the secular celebration and neglect to honor and glorify my Savior who make's Christmas worth celebrating. I love baking cookies, wrapping presents and giving them, buying special treats, reading the Christmas story to my children and enjoying the lights. All the hurry and flurry energize me unlike the rest of the year when it bogs me down. 
   This year was different though, the weeks leading up to Christmas were spent sitting on the sofa with a feeling of doom and discouragement. The children sensed my mood and fought and bickered pretty much nonstop. Lia whined and cried and Tristan picked on his younger siblings until I seriously thought I was going nuts. I cried and tried to pray but my prayers seemed to go no higher than the ceiling. It was a time of discouragment and I became seriously concerned that I was going to sink into a deep depression. I could "see" the edge of the black hole of depression. Dean and I had the "Am I going crazy" discussion frequently. Each time he told me if I am so concerned that I am loosing my sanity, then I just might. :) After that admonition he would tell me to go to bed and sleep because I am overtired. 
   Christmas came and went. Braden came home and my fears that he would be a lovable little chap who bonds with us when we are finally feeling like we know where he will spend his future was felt scary. For so long things were in limbo concerning Braden and now that we have a plan, we feel more secure. (If Braden were to begin making progress again we would gladly rethink our plan) Neither did we want him to be in trauma mode the whole time. He was in neither place. He insisted on staying on the very edge of family life and no amount of bribing could draw him in. Braden stayed pretty calm all the while he was home but didn't allow us to break the walls of fear around his heart, enforcing that, yes we are making the right choices for him. We had a better Christmas than we could have hoped for. 
  On Saturday when I took Braden back to TAP I told Dean that I will probably be spending the next two days flat on my back. My muscles were aching and I had a tension head ache. Guess what? I felt fine and have felt fine ever since. There is joy in life again, the dread and fear of the unknown is gone. We came through that home visit just fine. Why? Because people prayed and went out of their way to let us know they cared. God heard those prayers and graciously answered them. Where was my faith? Why do I allow fear to get the best of me?
  God has never let me down before so why do I doubt when things get tough once more? I am doing a 20 day Bible study called: You Are Not Alone, You Were Made For Hard Things, By Havilah Cunnington. Yesterday she talked about the verses in James where it talks about pain and how it brings about mature faith. God didn't create our bodies to experience pain, in the beginning we were perfect, then sin entered the world and along with sin came pain and suffering. God uses that suffering to bring glory and honor to his name. If we draw close to God in our suffering he will draw nigh to us and increase our faith. I know that but still seem to think I have the right to fight and struggle when I encounter pain. After I wear myself out asking why and fighting against the fear and agony of pain, I can rest in God's love. I am anxious to continue the study and see what God brings about. 
   All this to say, Don't let fear reside in your heart, GOD IS FAITHFUL!

Our God is faithful but there are times when you are going through the dark of night and there appears to be no hope in sight. When going through such dark places you need God's people to pray for you. For protection from fear, for deliverance from the evil one and for the truth to prevail. Such is the place of a friend of mine. I feel so badly for her and her husband will you please join me in praying for them? here is the link to her latest blog post.

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