Thursday, March 12, 2015

The Heartache Of RAD

RAD has taken so much from our family and especially from Braden. Sometimes I think I cannot bear it, other times I fight bitterness and rage. RAD has taught us how fearfully and wonderfully we are created. God created us for relationships. As with everything else God created, Satan is out to destroy that ability in us.
Relationships provide love, security and a sense of belonging. RAD is the exact opposite. Those who have this diagnosis push against love, resist any sense of security in mom and dad and they are terrified of belonging. 

RAD has ruined so many relationships for Dean and I. So many people don't understand RAD and only see the charming side of our son. We would be willing to sacrifice these friendships if only Braden could understand how much we love him. Some days I think I am sinking in this pain. To love a child who is terrified of being loved by his parents is heart breaking. We see his hurting heart and long to comfort him but he puts up a wall of rage and indifference that effectively keeps us out.

RAD has brought me to the end of myself. It has brought up feelings that I didn't know I was capable of feeling. Feelings that left me weeping and begging God for help. There were so many times Dean and I didn't even have the words to express our needs but God can hear even our wordless pleas for help.

RAD showed Dean and I how necessary it is to have a strong marriage when parenting emotionally unstable children. Our son would try to get between Dean and I by twisting our words. Children with RAD divide and conquer the adults in their lives. We knew this but it is impossible to explain what it is like to have a child try to drive a wedge in your marriage.

RAD has caused our relationships with our other children to be strained and weak, although by the grace of God we are regaining what we lost. Our children don't trust us to keep them safe, in part because in their eyes we didn't keep them safe from their brother. How does a parent come to grips with such pain?

RAD has taken the little boy we long to cherish and nurture. During his toddler years we occasionally caught a glimpse of the child he would have been had he known the love and care children need. As he grew, the walls became higher and thicker in a desperate bid to keep us from getting close to him. We seldom were able to hug and cuddle him. We longed to love him but he grew so fearful when we showed our love that we backed off to spare him. Our hearts ached to see him sitting by himself struggling to keep back the tears but knowing we dare not comfort him. 

Today I am listening to the song; Calling My Children. I long for my little boy, the little boy that we never really had for our own. Oh may he someday, know just how much we love him! How can I be so lonesome for something I never really had?


Those lives were mine to love and cherish.
To guard and guide along life's way.
Oh God forbid that one should perish.
That one alas should go astray.

Back in the years with all together,
Around the place we'd romp and play,
So lonely now and of't times wonder,
Oh will they come back home someday.

I'm lonesome for my precious children, 
They live so far away
Oh may they hear my calling...calling...and come back home someday.

I gave my all for my dear children,
Their problems still with love I share,
I'll brave life's storm defy the tempest
To bring them home from anywhere.

I lived my life my love I gave them,
To guide them through this world of strife,
I hope and pray we'll live together,
In that great, glad here after life.

I'm lonesome for my precious children,
They live so far away,
Oh may they hear my calling...calling...and come back home someday.

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