Saturday, April 25, 2015

Casting Blame

                                                                                                                                                                                             Image result for living with trauma memories quotes

Memories have been falling out of the cabinets this week. Those memories aren't good ones either and they are hitting us all on the head.

           Image result for trying to ignore the pain of neglect quotes

Kiana and Joseph are beginning to comprehend that their parents mistakes cost them the right to parent. They chose a life of pleasure over caring for their children. That no matter how you look at it, their parents failed them. This realization is breaking their hearts and they are doing everything they can to ignore this new understanding.
    We have stressed over and over that their parents did love them even though they made choices that ultimately ended in having their children removed. I honestly believe their parents did the best they could under the circumstances. I often think of the quote, "But for the grace of God, there go I."   
        My children have a rudimentary level of understanding concerning drugs and alcohol and they know that these things played a part in what happened to them. What they cannot understand is that their parents have their own hidden pain they are attempting to assuage with substance abuse and all that goes with it.            
      Kiana and Joseph only understand that their mom's didn't keep them safe, they didn't make sure they had food and a warm bed and they are angry about it, and rightly so. The problem is that they have a deep sense of loyalty their birth mom's. They aren't mature enough to understand that you can be angry about what happened to you but still love the one who allowed it to happen. They think in black and white, either someone is good or they aren't. So they look around for someone to blame. Their adoptive parents are the ones upon whom their anger, fear and misunderstanding falls.
     They think, "As long as I am feeling angry at my adoptive parents, I won't betray my loyalty to my birth mom." Being angry with her means admitting that either she is responsible for what happened or I (the child) am the one who caused this and that option is to terrifying to consider.
   I jokingly told Dean we should have kept a tally of the hours we spent talking to our children over the past five years. I know it is time well spent and I am so grateful for my children. They have taught me so much about myself and how we were created but I am human and find myself selfishly wishing things wouldn't be so hard. 

Playing dentist, Lia's favorite game.

Lia wanted to cut something while I was cutting out a dress. I taped a large piece of paper to the floor and she cut between the strips of tape.

Kiana matching socks, a much disliked chore around here

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