I Don't Believe You

Joseph had a difficult day at school the other day. He had been taking his feelings out on those in authority at school.

 Me: So Joseph, it sounds like your day didn't go so well, can you tell me what happened?

 Joseph: I didn't listen to my teacher.

Me: can you tell me why you didn't obey your teacher?

Joseph: I don't like to obey

Me: Why not? How do you feel inside when you obey?

Joseph: It makes me feel angry inside

Me: Why do you think it makes you angry when you obey?

Joseph: My Mommy A didn't obey

Me: Hmmm, I wonder how it makes you feel inside when you think about Mommy A not obeying?

Joseph: It makes me angry

Me: Why do you think it makes you angry?

Joseph: 'Cause she didn't take care of me, she just did her own thing!

Me: Yes, that would make me angry too. But if you don't like that she did her own thing, why do you do the very same thing?
Joseph: She is my mom and I want her to like me.

Me: Yes she is your mom. Do you think she wouldn't like you if you obeyed mom and daddy?

Joseph: I think she wouldn't like that, cause she is my mom!

   Dean and I both explained why his mom would want him to obey us and be happy here but while he accepted what we said, when I asked him if he believes us he shook his head no. He said he doesn't believe anything we tell him. 

 "Do mom and dad ever lie to you" I asked. Joseph shook his head no and said, "But you might be this time."

 So despite all of our reassurances and explanations he went to bed feeling as angry as he did when we started our conversation. I know he wasn't able to process everything we told him nor was he always telling us the truth. The part about being worried his mom wouldn't love him if he obeyed us was the truth though. We have long suspected that was an issue but weren't sure how to bring it up without planting a new idea in his head. Now we have to go about trying to change that mindset. How do you change a core belief when the person is unable to process what you are telling him? When he thinks you don't love him because you allow him to experience the natural consequences to his actions? 

 

   There are times that my desire to remove the pain from my children's hearts gets so big, it feels like physical pain.