Our house hasn't been the most pleasant place to be this past week. Simple request's such as, "Please set the table," have been met with stomping feet, loud voices and angry words. Jobs have been done half way or not at all. Ears don't hear what mom said, commands are ignored....all signs that something is wrong the question is, what, besides the obvious, I mean. Little Miss refused to talk, "Nothing is wrong!" She insisted while tears clogged her throat and ran down her cheeks. We tried cajoling, begging, pleading, writing, cuddling and consequences nothing worked. Oh she talked but she only gave excuses, the answers she always gives when she doesn't want to tell me the whole truth.
Last night she came to me sobbing and showed me a page in the book, The Night The Angel Came. She held up the book and pointed to a page, without saying a word. I told her to use her words because I wasn't sure what she was trying to tell me. She pointed to a phrase that goes something like this; "And then her mother turned and walked away and she never saw her again."
Dropping the book she flung her arms around me and wailed, "Please don't leave me! I love you and I don't want you to go away!" I sat on the rocker and held her as she alternated between crying and begging me not to leave.
After a lot of talking, sending silent prayers heavenward and asking questions I finally began making sense of the tangle of thoughts she had been brooding over for the past week.
She was thinking about her birth mom and now that she is growing older, she can understand a bit more of the circumstances surrounding the need for her to be removed from her birth parents and their subsequent failure to meet the criteria necessary to get her back. She has been battling feelings of anger, betrayal and worthlessness. As with many children who are adopted or in foster care, she wants to remain loyal to her birth family, but her increased understanding has brought her face to face with the messy reality that they did fail her. As an adult I can look at the big picture and take into consideration the problems they were facing, making it virtually impossible for them to care for her but she does not have the maturity to reason as an adult would and she is hurt. Naturally she is angry with them. Anger feels like betrayal to her, so guess who get's the brunt of her conflicting feelings? Yup, mom and dad, especially mom.
She is also old enough to know she hasn't been treating me right and felt guilty about that as well but she was powerless to sort out her conflicting emotions, so she bottled them up. Only they refused to stay bottled up and spilled over into her behavior.
Reading the book about a little girl who was left at an orphanage brought a rush of guilt and fear to her heart and the dam broke. "I don't want you to go to another country and leave me here all by myself!" She wailed. I asked if I have ever left her before and she had to admit that I hadn't but her birth mom had so maybe I would too, she reasoned. I assured her I would do everything I could to keep her safe or rescue her if she were in an unsafe situation, no matter how much it cost me. I knew I had to be careful how I worded my answers to her questions because she was very vulnerable right then and I knew she would grab onto any new fears, real or imagined.
"What if someone were to come take me out of bed and I would never see you again?" She asked. I told her how Kobi walks around the house during the night barking at everything he hears as well as a host of things he thinks he hears. "Kobi wouldn't let anyone come into our house," I assured her. "But what if he were locked up in the shop, then someone could come," she countered. "True but you can make lot's of noise (she smiled at that) and I am sure mom and dad would hear if someone came into the house," I said. Obviously I can't be sure about all this but I needed to reassure her. However she wasn't reassured, she still felt unsafe. So I said, "You are forgetting one thing, GOD. He see's everything and he will keep you safe." She had an answer for that one though, "Then why didn't he keep me safe when I was with my birth mom?"
"He did," I said, "He had another mom and dad (us) all ready to take care of you. He was watching you all the time!" Thankfully that seemed to calm her, she asked if we could pray together and after we prayed she jumped into bed and whispered, "I will try to trust you."
As always after such a conversation, my mind went to my relationship with Jesus. I knew my little girl had nothing to fear, I won't leave her, I will always love her, she is my daughter and nothing can change that. But she had experienced a great loss and though that hinders her ability to trust me, does it make me love her less? Absolutely not! In fact it makes me want to love and protect her even more. Jesus longs for us to trust him, just like I wish my daughter could trust me. The difference is, I am human and I may let her down, in fact I know I will sometimes but Jesus never will fail his children. He knows all about the pain and sorrow we face here on earth, he was here and experienced it first hand, plus he can see the big picture, he see's what us in our human reasoning cannot fathom. Why wouldn't I trust him?
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
Don't Leave Me
I am a daughter of the King, wife to Dean and mother to four. 1 biological, 3 adopted through the foster care system. I enjoy reading, writing, coffee, research and caring for my family. Blogging is another hobby of mine, you can find my blog at: talesfromourhouse.blogspot.
com also follow me on FB Tales From Our House Blog. I blog about daily family life, Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), FASD (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder) and adoption. I would love to have you follow my blog so I can share the amazing things I am learning.