Recently we heard a message on trust and love between the ministry and members in the church. The minister emphasized that, "Without trust, love cannot grow." I knew that trust is the basis of every bond or relationship, but I failed to apply it to my inability to bond with B.
"You don't tell a couple with marital difficulties to, "love more," because that is impossible unless they first learn to trust and prove themselves trustworthy," the minister continued. That quote could be applied to those of us who have or had as the case may be, a child with RAD. I had a therapist tell me once that I just need to love more, if I tried harder and asked God to help me, I would acquire the love I desired to feel for B. That comment threw me into a very dark and scary place where I stayed for a long time because it insinuated that I was to blame for the lack of a bond between us. I still struggled with this fear from time to time. The comment about love and trust, finally sank in and I can now see, why I wasn't able to bond with B.
Kiana has been having a very hard time with relationships, something was wrong, but what? She wasn't talking and as many of you know, you cannot make a person talk if they don't want to. We had many tear filled evenings, trying to get to the bottom of her rejection of me. We used to have a fairly solid bond and it troubled and terrified me to see it slipping away. I tried everything I knew to do but there was something that she wasn't telling me, scary stuff for a mom.
I shared our struggles with a few mom's and asked them to pray that Kiana would open up so we could help her. Thanks to those prayers, last night Kiana talked. It wasn't anything new. We had discussed all the issues at one time or another through the years but Kiana fell for the trap of, "If I talk next my fears will become reality," and things went downhill.
One of her struggles was the one adoptee's are often plagued with - If I love you, I will be being disloyal to my birth mom/dad. I knew she had this fear but until she was willing to acknowledge it, we couldn't help her. I gave the example of how a mothers love multiplies when more children are added to the family. "The love you have in your heart for your birth mom doesn't get less when you love me, it grows," I explained.
I have been dealing with some health issues and I knew the children were affected by my "brain fog," most likely it triggered memories from their past. I wasn't sure how to address the issue without adding to their fears, especially since they tend to believe what they think is truth and not what mom or dad tells them. Not knowing how to explain, I took the cowards way out, and didn't say anything. I should have. Kiana was certain I would die, her friends mom got sick and died, so logically (in her mind) I would as well.
Rather than endure the pain of losing two mom's, she decided to withdraw from me. If she didn't love me, she wouldn't feel as bad when I died. Dean helped her see why that method doesn't work by asking her some questions, "If mom were to die, would it make you feel better or worse when you remember how you treated her?" Kiana didn't have to think long, in a small voice she said, "I would feel bad cause I wasn't nice to mom."
Dean next question was, "So how do you think you ought to treat mom now?" Kiana brightened, "I should be respectful and nice to her," she replied. Soon her face fell again, "But it is hard to be respectful." Dean and I acknowledged that this was true and Dean said, "You are going to need to learn to trust mom if you want your relationship to grow, do you trust mom?" Kiana said she didn't so I asked her if I ever lied to her or didn't take care of her. She said I always do what I say I will. :)
"So why don't you trust mom?" Dean asked her. Of course she didn't know why she struggles to trust me. Dean told her that when she lived with her birth mom, she was sometimes cold and hungry. When she was very small, she learned that mom's can't be trusted and because of that, she still has a hard time trusting.
We could see the wheels turning in her brain, she was taking in and understanding what we were saying and have been explaining for, well a long, long time. Kiana gave me a hug and good night kiss before cheerfully and respectfully bouncing back to her bed. I was a little apprehensive about this morning as mornings can be hard for her but she was happy, genuinely happy. Her eyes sparkled like they haven't for a long time, my little girl is back. Thank you, Jesus!!
I would be burying my head in the sand, if I thought these struggles were now behind Kiana. I know they aren't. We have been dealing with them to a certain extent, for the past 4 years. I do know we conquered the fears for now and every victory will help to win the battle.
Like my Facebook page: Tales From Our House Blog to see the adoption related links I share as well as any new blog posts.
"You don't tell a couple with marital difficulties to, "love more," because that is impossible unless they first learn to trust and prove themselves trustworthy," the minister continued. That quote could be applied to those of us who have or had as the case may be, a child with RAD. I had a therapist tell me once that I just need to love more, if I tried harder and asked God to help me, I would acquire the love I desired to feel for B. That comment threw me into a very dark and scary place where I stayed for a long time because it insinuated that I was to blame for the lack of a bond between us. I still struggled with this fear from time to time. The comment about love and trust, finally sank in and I can now see, why I wasn't able to bond with B.
Kiana has been having a very hard time with relationships, something was wrong, but what? She wasn't talking and as many of you know, you cannot make a person talk if they don't want to. We had many tear filled evenings, trying to get to the bottom of her rejection of me. We used to have a fairly solid bond and it troubled and terrified me to see it slipping away. I tried everything I knew to do but there was something that she wasn't telling me, scary stuff for a mom.
I shared our struggles with a few mom's and asked them to pray that Kiana would open up so we could help her. Thanks to those prayers, last night Kiana talked. It wasn't anything new. We had discussed all the issues at one time or another through the years but Kiana fell for the trap of, "If I talk next my fears will become reality," and things went downhill.
One of her struggles was the one adoptee's are often plagued with - If I love you, I will be being disloyal to my birth mom/dad. I knew she had this fear but until she was willing to acknowledge it, we couldn't help her. I gave the example of how a mothers love multiplies when more children are added to the family. "The love you have in your heart for your birth mom doesn't get less when you love me, it grows," I explained.
I have been dealing with some health issues and I knew the children were affected by my "brain fog," most likely it triggered memories from their past. I wasn't sure how to address the issue without adding to their fears, especially since they tend to believe what they think is truth and not what mom or dad tells them. Not knowing how to explain, I took the cowards way out, and didn't say anything. I should have. Kiana was certain I would die, her friends mom got sick and died, so logically (in her mind) I would as well.
Rather than endure the pain of losing two mom's, she decided to withdraw from me. If she didn't love me, she wouldn't feel as bad when I died. Dean helped her see why that method doesn't work by asking her some questions, "If mom were to die, would it make you feel better or worse when you remember how you treated her?" Kiana didn't have to think long, in a small voice she said, "I would feel bad cause I wasn't nice to mom."
Dean next question was, "So how do you think you ought to treat mom now?" Kiana brightened, "I should be respectful and nice to her," she replied. Soon her face fell again, "But it is hard to be respectful." Dean and I acknowledged that this was true and Dean said, "You are going to need to learn to trust mom if you want your relationship to grow, do you trust mom?" Kiana said she didn't so I asked her if I ever lied to her or didn't take care of her. She said I always do what I say I will. :)
"So why don't you trust mom?" Dean asked her. Of course she didn't know why she struggles to trust me. Dean told her that when she lived with her birth mom, she was sometimes cold and hungry. When she was very small, she learned that mom's can't be trusted and because of that, she still has a hard time trusting.
We could see the wheels turning in her brain, she was taking in and understanding what we were saying and have been explaining for, well a long, long time. Kiana gave me a hug and good night kiss before cheerfully and respectfully bouncing back to her bed. I was a little apprehensive about this morning as mornings can be hard for her but she was happy, genuinely happy. Her eyes sparkled like they haven't for a long time, my little girl is back. Thank you, Jesus!!
I would be burying my head in the sand, if I thought these struggles were now behind Kiana. I know they aren't. We have been dealing with them to a certain extent, for the past 4 years. I do know we conquered the fears for now and every victory will help to win the battle.
Like my Facebook page: Tales From Our House Blog to see the adoption related links I share as well as any new blog posts.
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