Thursday, November 2, 2017

Why Parents Of Attachment Challenged Children Are At Risk

A mother recently shared that when her child with RAD was still at home she realized she was as capable of evil as any other person. A child/teen/adult with attachment disorder will do anything to gain control. There are reasons for this which I won't go into here, but suffice it to say a child who has reached this level of control has already undergone tremendous pain of his own and is terrified of a relationship with anyone.

We read horrible stories in the news and say, "What is wrong with people, how could they do something so terrible to a child?" I am not in any way condoning such actions but I can see how parents reach the brink of snapping and why some cross the line.

When we had our forensic evaluation prior to adopting Lia, the man who did the evaluation said most people don't intentionally abuse their children. The line between discipline and abuse can be so fine that many people aren't aware they have even crossed it. When their child's behavior continues to intensify, they increase disciplinary measure's which quickly crosses over into abuse. 

You say, how can that happen? I think for many people it is unimaginable because they have never been responsible for a child who daily, hourly pushes them to the brink of snapping, then steps back, smirks to himself and pushes just a wee bit further. It begins to feel like a game of cat n mouse, with you as the parent being the mouse. You are on hyper alert at all times because you know your child is capable of doing bodily or emotional damage to you and your family. It is a control battle and when the child knows he has you on edge he will do things just to see if he can make you lose control. He knows if he can make you crack he is in control and that makes him feel powerful. 

When you are fearful of what your child may do and he goes out of his way to scare you or let you know he is watching you, it is enough to unnerve you. 

When your child refuses to eat then begs for food or eats from the trash can you soon begin to feel bitter. Worse yet, if CPS is watching your family such behavior signifies to them that you aren't caring for your child.

Or your child may scream and rage but be as nice as pie when anyone else walks in the door. He may set you up to look like an awful parent when in reality you are doing everything in your power to provide him with a good home. In that environment resentment can quickly gain a foot hold.

Year after year of this behavior wears a person down, especially when the professionals and other people who are supposed to help you insist that there is nothing wrong with your child. Or they may acknowledge there is a problem but say they can't help you leaving you trapped in a cycle of fear and abuse. 

Eventually you get to the place where you no longer trust yourself. When you have been pushed to the point of hurting your child time and again, you begin to doubt your ability to control your actions. Then thoughts of how much easier life would be without your child begin creeping into your head. You ask for help but no one believes you or worse questions you or threatens to take your remaining children. This leaves you feeling that just maybe you are the problem. Maybe there really is something wrong with you and then you lose sight of who you really are. When you can no longer tell fact from fiction and are doing whatever it takes to keep your child from hurting your family, sometimes using methods you never would have dreamed of, you lose sight of reality. You fear you will hurt your child, so you contemplate taking your own life to prevent that from happening. Besides, getting away from this situation looks more appealing all the time. 

And then one day you crack mentally, physically and emotionally and do something you never would have done in your right mind. Then you become a statistic, a newspaper article.... and folks say how could someone do something so horrible. Now you know.

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