Adopted Into The Family Of God

Our Sunday School Lesson was on 1 Peter 1 and our Sunday School Superintendent compared the similarities of being a part of the family of God, to adoption here on earth.

  God provided everything necessary for us to become a member of his family. He has done all the "legal paperwork." When Jesus died on the cross He signed the adoption decree, making it accessible "To whosoever believes in him." John 3:16 But he created us with the ability to choose to accept or reject the plan of salvation. 

  When we adopted our children, we signed the necessary papers and the the judge signed the final adoption decree making the children legally ours, even though they belonged to another family up until then. While the children are legally ours, they still have a choice to make, they can fully embrace Dean and I as their parents or they can reject us. We will love them regardless of their choice, just as Jesus loves us regardless whether or not we choose to give him our hearts. 

  Our hearts break when we are trying to help our children and they yell things like, "You don't love me, I wish I lived with my birth mom!" Sometimes I long for a way to prove to them just how much I do love them. I can give examples but in their pain, they can't hear or process my words.

  Think how God must feel when we are hurting and come to him for help but reject the help he offers because it doesn't come in the form I was hoping or expecting. If we as human parents grieve when our children turn their backs on all we have done for them, how much more must Jesus grieve when we reject him and the plan of salvation he suffered to provide for us?

  

Weeds Of Great Value

Is your glass half empty or half full? I have a tendency to view my glass as half empty and think, "If only my glass was full, things would be better," or, "If only I had some real talents, then I could do something of value for God."

Philippians 4:11 says, "Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content." Ouch, I have a lot of work ahead for me.

This video was floating around on my FB page. The speaker talks about people who think like I do. They always say things like, "This would be the perfect job if it wasn't for my boss," or, "I could be a much better mom if my children weren't so needy...." Sound familiar? If we aren't content where we are, chances are high that we wouldn't be happy elsewhere either.

This morning Lia handed me a fistful of small purple flowers she found growing in the woods. They were weeds, had only half an inch of spindly stem and were slightly squashed but I loved them because she picked them for me. She saw some flowers and like children do everywhere, she picked them and came to me with her hands behind her back, her eyes were dancing with joy as she handed me her handful of flowers. You know, I love those flowers because she picked them for me, she was showing she loves me, I could have cared less that they were weeds.

I began thinking that perhaps that is how God views our small talents and gifts of praise and prayer we offer to him. As I said before, I view glass as half empty... I don't have anything worth offering, do I? But God is our Father and surely He rejoices over the wilting handful of flowers we offer Him, He won't toss them aside because they aren't a large beautiful bouquet like your friend gave. They are beautiful to Him because they come from you.

Grieving The Loss Of A Child Who Is Still Alive

"One of the hardest things you will ever do, my dear, is to grieve the loss of a person who is still alive."

     I am a member of a support group for parents who have disrupted an adoption. One member shared this quote and I immediately knew I wanted to share it on my FB page. But as I was going through the day, I got to thinking it would make a good blog post as I have yet to read anything on how to grieve the loss of your child, while he is still alive.

    Adoption disruption is similar to a death in some ways. Granted in disruption you "chose" to go through with it while you do not choose to loose your child through death. Everything I have read on grief after loss is so familiar the grief, numbness, sense of loss, anger, guilt and sorrow mentioned have been very much a part of our journey.

    Can you grieve for someone whom you spent years trying to love? Can you grieve the loss of a child when you have literally cried buckets of tears, begged, pleaded and yes, even bargained with God to please, please help you love him? The pint sized being who spit in your face, urinated on your floors and screamed for hours on end all because you said something as simple as, "Thank you for picking up your toys." Why would you grieve the loss of that?

Can you grieve the loss of chaos....

...The lack of fear that your child is going to lie and CPS will come knocking on your door?

The lack of judgement from well meaning people who have no clue... 

Is it possible to grieve no longer having to swallow the bile that rises in your throat when someone says they wish they could adopt a child as sweet as your child...how could you grieve something like that.

BUT....

If the chaos is gone, so is the child and so is all hope of healing..

If CPS isn't knocking on your door, then obviously no one is emotionally ill enough to make false accusations, neither is the child who needed your help to heal...

No judgement, means the child isn't in your home to bring it about....

No bile... no chaos... no CPS.... no child.... only grief, and how on earth can you process that grief, when you were unable to process the push-pull relationship your RAD child insisted upon? When you aren't even sure WHAT you are grieving?

  The answer it seems, is to separate the child from his actions but quite honestly, anyone who has a child with RAD will tell you that is well nigh impossible. Attachment disorder yes, full blown RAD however is quite another story.

 So how do you grieve, what do you grieve, should you grieve?

I grieve or maybe process, would be a better term, by talking. The trouble is, adoption disruption is one of those things people don't feel comfortable talking about. I have found that the mention of B's name is all it takes to bring a momentary halt to every conversation in the room. 

    The problem is, those of us who disrupted an adoption need to talk if we are going to heal. That is how God designed us, but what is there to say about the child that used to be yours, the child who now calls another woman mommy? The child with whom you have only a handful of good memories but who was your child nevertheless? It gets old talking about the bad times but for many of us, we have only a small handful of good memories. Remembering those good moments is hard while going over the bad moments can be devastating. So we grieve the child who could still be ours if we hadn't disrupted the adoption, all the while feeling so thankful that those dark days are behind us...

....how can you feel both grief and relief at the same time?

   

A Cabin Trip And New Therapists

     We spent Easter weekend at Deans uncles cabin.  We told the three youngest our plans the day before we left rather than wait until the last moment. Knowing plans ahead of time usually brings about intense anxiety and lot's of not so nice behavior. To solve that problem we began keeping our lips sealed about family gatherings, birthday parties and that type of thing until it was time to get ready to leave. Recently however, I have begun questioning the wisdom of that practice due to various things that have come up. So rather than wait until Friday morning when we started packing up to tell the children we were going away, I told them the day before. I waited until we were home from Joseph's OT appointment to tell them. My plan was to get them excited enough to pitch in with the cleaning without whining. Let's just say that idea wasn't one of my better one's. Around 3:00 I sent Dean a text saying, "Who's bright idea was it to tell the children our cabin plans a day early, anyway?" I think we will go back to our old method of not divulging our plans until the last minute.

   Friday morning everyone pitched in and helped load the truck. Of course the level of excitement was through the roof, along with the noise level but since it was cheerful noise, we didn't complain. Deans parents joined us from Friday afternoon until Saturday afternoon. The children didn't know they were coming so there were loud exclamations of delight when they came in the drive.


Happy Birthday! Dean's parents brought a delicious ice cream cake for his birthday.

For some reason, the three youngest didn't sleep very well. They were up early every morning and Joseph was awake several times during the night, so when Dean saw there was rain in the forecast, we decided to take them home on Sunday, a day early, so they could sleep in their own beds....and hopefully let us get some sleep as well.

Shooting targets

Lia

Joseph enjoying the swings

Dean, Lia and her baby enjoying a four wheeler ride

Kobi went along to the cabin.

On Thursday afternoon Kiana and Joseph were having big feelings so I handed them a piece of paper and told them to write the best and worst thing about going to the cabin. Joseph said he could only think of good things so I said, "Why don't you write down what you are worried about?" Turns out he was worried Kobi would run away. Last summer I bought the children journals where they wrote their feelings, drew pictures about their day and anything else we felt would help them process their feelings. During the school term, those journals got pushed to the back of the shelf. I think it is time we pull them out again and resume the practice of writing the best and worst thing about each day. Kiana is beginning therapy today and it is bound to stir up some long buried emotions. From prior experience, I know when a child begins therapy things get worse before they get better. Joseph has his first appointment with a psychologist on Monday. It probably wasn't a good idea to have two children begin therapy at once but you can't be picky about such things or you will never find the right time. I must admit I am feeling apprehensive about meeting new therapists. It takes awhile until you know if you can trust them to truly act in your child's best interest. Another concern is, how well do they understand connected parenting and what is their opinion of it. I have learned that many therapists profess to understand childhood trauma and how it affects the child's ability to bond but when it comes to daily implementation, their interpretation of connected parenting is very different than what we believe our children need. You also need to decipher whether or not the therapist feels threatened by your knowledge of attachment, trauma and development. I know for a fact that I have lot's to learn, which is why we are seeking out therapeutic help but I have been immersed in therapy for enough of years that some things have stuck, so every time I meet a new therapist I have to figure out if I need to act ignorant or discuss the things I have learned.

* like my FB page Tales From Our House Blog, to see the links I share regarding trauma, RAD, FASD and adoption.

The Lonely Path Of Parenting A Child With RAD

lone·li·erlone·li·est

1. 1a :  being without company :  loneb :  cut off from others :  solitary
2. 2:  not frequented by human beings :  desolate
3. 3:  sad from being alone :  lonesome
4. 4:  producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation

lone·li·ness play\ˈlōn-lē-nəs\ noun

Children with RAD not only isolate themselves, they isolate their parents as well. I no longer have a child with that diagnosis, something I still find hard to fathom. The other evening I told Dean that it still feels like a dream when I think of everything that we went through with B. I remember so many details, all the pain and low times but there is a haze over the memory making it difficult to grasp that those memories are actually part of my life.

Anyway, time and again, I have had moms with children diagnosed with RAD, tell me how lonely they are. These moms immerse themselves in all things RAD, trying to understand what makes their child tick. Unfortunately, they find that they need to parent their emotionally healthy child(ren) completely opposite from how they parent their child with RAD. This is confusing and it takes awhile to figure out exactly how that will look like for your family.  The need to parent children within one family differently, is tough. It is especially hard if the children are close in age and too young to understand why they get consequences while the RAD child "gets" to stay near mom.

  The next strike toward loneliness comes when you try to explain why you parent each child differently. Chances are you are already marked as "The Odd Mom," if your child has RAD. Begin parenting your children differently and relationships are bound to get complicated. It becomes easier and easier to simply stay at home.

And then you (RAD Mom) take your child to therapists and doctors, each who have their own opinion of what is wrong with your child and how you should be parenting him. Since you want what is best for your child you do more research only to see you were making some mistakes. Now you need to figure out how to change the way you were parenting, without having your child with RAD feel he got the upper hand, which would be giving him the illusion that he controls you. All this thinking and talking makes your brain tired. You discuss the pro's and con's with your husband until the clock strike's midnight for the third time in less than a week. I remember telling Dean we should have been defense attorney's, since we were becoming adept at finding any loophole that B would find and figuring out how to reword and rework our plan to make it foolproof, all the while knowing he would find a way around what we said. That kind of mental workout is debilitating and parenting a child with RAD, requires constant thinking of this sort, leaving room for little else. Just staying alive, requires all your brain power. Deep inside you long for a friend but knowing you have nothing to give in return, makes you hesitant to reach out. So you remain lonely because you feel guilty asking someone to befriend you when you are so needy.

When you meet with other special needs mom's, you feel like crawling into a hole and crying because the women are talking about the services their child receives and the progress they are making, while your child who appears perfectly healthy, is regressing. You find yourself thinking "If only braces or surgery could "fix" my child." When mom's talk of bad days, you find yourself thinking, "I would be so grateful if I could just have a good moment." You wipe invisible tears and wonder why you thought it was a good idea to leave your house.

Your mommy group shares the cute things their toddlers are doing and you want to do the same, but your mind comes up blank. You can't think of anything to share, at least nothing they can relate to and the loneliness threatens to overwhelm you yet again. 

Your friends discuss houses and styles, their hopes and dreams and you want to be happy for them, but you feel as if you have nothing to add to the conversation, because you are thankful for every day that goes by without another hole being punched through the drywall... and the lonely feeling creeps over you.

  *this post is not intended to point fingers, instead I want to share how lonely it is when your child has RAD. My heart goes out to those who are "In The Trenches" and honestly do not know how they will face another day, hour or even minute. I was there and I know the pain. Thanks to those who invested in our lives when they knew they would receive nothing in return.

When Trauma Comes To Stay

      Do you ever wonder what life would be like without trauma? I simply cannot fathom it, even though it has only been 8 years since we began to become intimately familiar with the term. Only 8 years, but those years have taken us on the steepest learning curve of our lives.



      Trauma does something to a person, it totally reshapes who you are and how you relate to other people. I can't say it has done me any favors but maybe they are still to come.:) 

    We have completely redesigned our lives to acclimate trauma. It pushed it's way into our life and we learned to make the necessary changes as we went along. Dean says, "It was either sink or swim, so we started paddling, hard!"

     I often say I wear trauma glasses, they make my world look different. I look at clothing and think, "Will this color, design, texture negatively affect the child who will be wearing it." The mother of one of our children frequently dressed in black. The child was terrified of people wearing black clothing for a long time after the adoption was finalized and mom was no longer in the picture.

   Trauma covers my planner, I have to make sure I figure in enough time for it. I must make sure I don't make my schedule to full, or trauma will take over and we will pay dearly.

   We treat trauma like a baby. We are like parents who's child has just begun to crawl, they check the floor to make sure it is safe for their child, removing anything that could be a danger to him. We do the same thing when we go away. We automatically look for things that might upset trauma.

   We take trauma to church and I view the service, through trauma's eye's. When Old Testament stories are told, I can sense, rather than see trauma becoming uneasy. Those stories can bring back memories or stir up sleeping ones.

   I take trauma with me wherever I go. If the children aren't with me, my phone is right by my side, waiting for the phone call or text that things aren't going well. When my phone rings I think, "Uh oh, trauma is upset."

  Trauma must be taken into consideration in every aspect of life. Cereal boxes have pictures that make trauma worry, grocery stores remind trauma of being hungry, crying children bring scary memories, going on vacation stirs up trauma's fears....where will he sleep, what will he eat, what will he do. When we pass a police officer, trauma becomes fearful and asking a simple question such as, "What is in your hand," is enough to send trauma into a meltdown.



   Sometimes I am tempted to simply ignore trauma. After all, what can it do if you refuse to acknowledge it's presence? We have learned that trauma simply becomes bigger, louder, heavier and more prevalent until you acknowledge it. When we acknowledge the fear, hunger, cold, tiredness or whatever has brought trauma to a head, it tends to fade into the background. After upsetting trauma and dealing with the after effects, we vow to be extra vigilant and we are for a time, then we get sloppy and forget how needy trauma is, until to be jerked back to reality by a shrill scream or kick. As much as I despise trauma, it is so much a part of life at our house that I probably wouldn't know what to do with all the extra time I would have in it's absence.`



Trauma feels very much like the gazelle does in this picture







   


    

Mental Health Intake Appointment Woes

    Monday found Joseph and I at a local Mental Health office for an intake appointment. I am struggling to come to grips with the fact that we are going down this road with another child. B and I attended multiple such appointments while seeking the care he needed, and all those memories came rushing back with a vengeance as Joseph and I sat in the familiar 6x6 foot room discussing his history. 

   The poor therapist likely had no idea how closely he was being scrutinized while he conducted the evaluation. I analyzed everything he said and gave him a mental thumbs up when he listened to my views on Joseph's previous diagnosis of ODD and ADHD.  Most professionals give me the, "You are just the mom, what can you know," look when I disagree with them.

   The intake worker asked if I preferred a male or female therapist for Joseph, which earned him another thumbs up.

   He talked respectfully to Joseph, but didn't go on about how cute he was, another thumbs up. Joseph has the ability to hold his head just so, flash a shy grin and wrap people around his finger. That isn't always such a bad thing, but we can usually tell who understands attachment problems by how quickly and thoroughly they begin playing his game. The therapist rated high in this regard although I forgot to ask him if I will be allowed in the room during Joseph's therapy sessions. I can't believe I forgot one of the most important rules!

   As we were leaving Joseph wondered if he will be coming back to this place. When I said he would, Joseph said, "I like this therapist, cause you do all the talking and I can just listen." Sorry buddy, next time you will have to participate!

   I packed a book for Joseph to read during the appointment because I knew we would be discussing traumatic things. I hoped he wouldn't be able to read his book and listen at the same time. It obviously helped because he laid his book aside when we began going over a particular part of Joseph's history. I asked him if he was finished reading and he replied, "No, I want to hear what you say." 

  I don't like these intake appointments. Giving your child's history while they listen in, isn't conducive to their healing. I feel like I can't give all the details of certain situations because it feels so demeaning to be talking about my child's behavior problems while he is listening in.



* like my FB page: Tales From our House Blog. I share information about RAD, FASD, Adoption, Disruption and Mental Health


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