Your Values Versus Your Child's Need's

"Don't let your values get in the way of your child's needs."

Most people have a set of values which they have either had passed down to them or were built from their own life experiences. We are no different. We wanted our children to be respectful, polite and honest and when we began foster care we thought we would naturally pass those values on to the children, especially if they eventually joined our family via adoption. Naive? Yes!

My children are respectful as long as they feel safe and no one challenges them on anything. This is natural, the difference is in the things that make my children feel unsafe. 

-No clean cereal bowls

-Mom preparing to go away

-Dad working late

-Having friends over

-Sibling receiving a gift

-Having to wait for a snack

-Being told no

-Being told to redo a chore

-Confrontation

All these things and a thousand more bring on panic and no one is able to be respectful when their fight, flight or freeze system is activated. The fact is, my children are seldom respectful because they are triggered the majority of the time. We could demand respect and punish when they fail but that would mean we are putting our value's ahead of their needs. Instead we offer redo's and we give snacks even when mealtime is only 20 minutes away. We keep trauma in the forefront of our minds at all times. Trauma trumps respect, although we are certainly working on it when we can.

Our children steal. This one I could hardly get beyond. I remember taking a tootsie roll from the store as a child and having to go back and pay for it. I never took anything again! Our children don't learn from consequences. They see something they want so they take it. Some of it is due to impulsiveness, but the majority can be blamed on trauma. When your body has been trained to fear that your needs won't be met it is very hard to change that mindset. We tried consequences, we tried having the child do the talking when we returned an item, anything to prevent it from happening again. But it always did. Our children tend to cycle through these trauma behaviors so when we know a child has been having sticky fingers we check shoes, coats and undergarments before going home. Depending on the situation, we may talk with the child. Other times we don't make a big deal because reprimanding/consequencing the child usually comes at the expense of our relationship, a price that is too high to pay.

Lying. This one still makes me angry at times. Thankfully I am learning that lying is a trauma response, not something to be taken personally. I am also slowly learning not to ask the "why" question as that only sets the stage for more lies. Take the evidence and deal with it. Don't waste time trying to figure out the why behind the action as the child probably doesn't know himself why he lied. If we would punish for every lie, our days would be filled with chaos, not at all conducive to healing traumatized little bodies.

Being kind to others is something my children struggle with. Again, there are many reasons for this but trauma is usually at the root. Fear people won't like them drives them to act out in inappropriate ways to try to get a laugh. Their wants/needs trump those of anyone else. Empathy is a hard concept when your brain is primed for panic.

Once upon a time we parented our children in a "typical" manner. We quickly learned that didn't work but it wasn't until Braden went to The Attachment Place and they taught us about TBRI that we really began to understand that our children need to heal emotionally. For emotional healing to occur, we need to make sure they feel safe so they can grasp things like being respectful, polite and truthful at all times.

Sometimes trauma/special needs parenting leaves me feeling like a complete and utter failure. After all, two of our children have been in our home for 10 years already and while they have made progress, they have so far to go. Sometimes I feel like they just have to get it and then I go into a blind panic, drilling the concepts of honesty and respectfulness into them. Without fail it all falls apart because they simply do not have the ability to maintain that level of life in addition to their trauma. Then I fall into the opposite ditch and go easy on them because I feel so badly for asking more of them than they could give. Of course that doesn't work much better. It takes constant tweaking, constant monitoring and constant mindfulness to be the parent our children need. They need us to walk alongside them, providing an arm to lean on in weak moments while being alert for those moments when they are strong enough to take a few baby steps on their own. When they take those small steps, it makes my heart swell with love and admiration for my children who are working through issues that would drive many an adult to their knee's.

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The Gift Of A Calm, Structured Environment - Living With Trauma

Trauma creates a cluttered brain. By a cluttered brain, I mean a brain that is full of unresolved trauma, ready to flare at a moments notice. This brain will run at maximum capacity at all times, with the fight, flight or freeze system continually primed and ready to jump in at even the slightest hint of trouble. 

This frantic brain activity is necessary for survival when a child is in a dangerous situation. It is constantly assessing the surroundings to make sure nothing will catch it unaware. The tone of voice people use, their posture, the people in the room, their interaction with others and social cues are being evaluated at all times. Imagine how tiring that must be? No wonder these children have a difficult time doing school work or following directions!

Therapy, felt safety and TBRI are all necessary to heal. However there is one more thing that is absolutely essential to the healing of traumatized brains: A quiet, calm atmosphere where the child has plenty of down time to journal and think. A calm atmosphere will include these things:
-A setting where the child will be required to make as few decisions as possible
- A place where the child will not have the opportunity to manipulate or triangulate
- A safe place for the child to decompress when life gets to be too much.

Basically what this looks like in real life is something we refer to as  having "a small world." The parent makes all but the most basic decisions for the child, leaving his brain free to work on processing trauma. You say, "But how will the child ever learn to function in the real world? That isn't even practical, I could never do that! Beside's my child is ___ years old and it wouldn't be fair."

First, for a child to be able to function i.e. have correct relationships, avoid the pitfalls of unresolved trauma, he will have to heal. If your child is physically ill, you keep the house quiet, keep the child quiet and supply nutritious foods and drinks to help him heal. The difference between physical illness and trauma is that most illnesses do not last for years. In a few days or weeks your child is up and running and you can go back to normal life. Trauma typically isn't healed in weeks or even months. If you required your physically ill child to lead a normal lifestyle, chances are he would become more ill as time goes on. Our traumatized children's brains are the same way. If we do not provide the things they need to heal, they continue to add new trauma's.

For those who say it isn't practical -  Remember you cannot provide this with the life style of a "typical" family. You have to revamp your parenting, perhaps rearrange your house and continually debrief with your spouse. It isn't easy, but as time goes on you will see your child begin to heal and realize that it is so worth it.

Each family has to decide how this will look for their child. every child is different and each will have his own unique struggles. Be prepared to face opposition when you begin enforcing strict boundaries for your child. When you begin to second guess yourself, here is what a friend told me, "Look at this quiet lifestyle as a gift to your child, versus a consequence for poor choices." She is right. As I mentioned before, if your child was physically ill you would provide the setting he needs to heal. I will agree that there is a difference though, because a physically ill child will agree to the healing methods whereas a traumatized child may have a fair amount of resistance to the idea! You will need to keep the long term goal in mind that though the present may be unpleasant, you are bettering your child's future.

Some children with trauma have permanent brain damage. These children/adults may require a life time of living in a "small world," because they cannot cope with the responsibility of making good choices in the outside world. If you have a child like this, remind yourself that you are giving them a gift by providing an environment where they can thrive.

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Why It Is So Important To Resolve Your Own Trauma When Parenting Children With Attachment Disorders

An online friend recently posted something I found very insightful. She basically said that the reason a child with an attachment disorder is so difficult to parent boils down to one simple thing, your own trauma. At first I was ready to go up in arms and set her straight but the more I thought about it, the more I realized how right she was. 

Why? It is as simple and complicated as this, a child with attachment difficulties has honed his manipulation and triangulation skills to a science so he will know exactly where your sore spots are located.

What are sore spots? They are area's that are painful due to past trauma. In trauma language, they are called triggers. We all have triggers, some are not as intense as others, while others are so incredibly painful that the mere mention of a similar happening puts the individual right back in the situation and he reacts as though it were happening all over again.

For instance if your sore spot or trigger is being yelled at, your child will quickly learn that when he directs derogatory comments at you, he will get a reaction. That is what he wants because a reaction means the wall he is attempting to build between the two of you for the sole purpose of keeping you from accessing his trigger (attachment), now has another layer.

If yelling doesn't affect you, your child most likely won't use yelling as a means of keeping that wall in place because he knows he won't get a reaction from you.

See, a reaction is what children with attachment disorders are seeking. A reaction means they have achieved their goal... making you angry and second, keeping the barrier between the two of you in place.

After you have parented such a child for awhile, you become adept at hiding your anger and frustration. This should solve the problem, right? Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. You see, by this time your child has learned to read you like an open book. He can sense when you are frustrated or upset with something he has done but are doing your best to hide it. So guess what he does? He pushes the issue harder and harder until you fear you will go crazy, and then he stands back and smiles because even though you may never show an outward reaction, he knows he has succeeded. Now, this may sound like children with attachment issues are nasty people, they aren't, but their behaviors can be! Remember they are doing this to protect their trauma trigger, which is attachment/bonding.

This is why it is vital for you to have a good therapist for yourself. You need someone who is removed from the situation to give you sound advice, someone that is in no way swayed by your trauma triggers. You also need someone who is qualified to help you overcome these triggers. Triggers are unresolved trauma. The key word is unresolved, because all trauma can be worked through. If the pain cannot be totally eradicated, it can at least be brought to a level where you will no longer react negatively when your sore spot is pushed. 

This means you will be able to remain calm and focused when your child does his best to push you away. This means you will be able to help lead him to healing rather than triggering one another.

I know this is not as simple as it sounds because living with a child who is determined to push you away is incredibly difficult. But I find knowing the reason behind why my child acts, and I react as I do, gives me another tool to help my child overcome his attachment difficulties.

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A Jar Of Peanut Butter - Living With FASD

Joseph ate a jar of peanut butter on Sunday. Yes you read right, a whole jar! 

Lia had her first OT appointment this morning and when I came home Tristan said, "Mom, I need to talk to you." I instantly knew that something had happened while I was gone.

"I went into Joseph's room to see what he was doing and he was acting funny (he has certain mannerism's that come into play when he is guilty) so I walked around his bed to see what he was doing and he had a jar of peanut butter. He was cleaning the last of it from the jar!"

My first reaction was to wonder, "How/when did he get a jar of peanut butter without my knowing?" The second reaction was to laugh. A WHOLE JAR OF PEANUT BUTTER?!?! 

There were various other food wrappers hidden in crevices in his bedroom which explains the excema that I haven't been able to heal despite faithfully applying cream.

I asked him about it and had him confirm the story he had told Tristan just to be sure there wasn't more going on that I should know about. His explanation was simple, "I took it Sunday morning and then I ate it at nap time." He didn't know why which didn't surprise me as he seldom knows why he does things. Impulsiveness  at it's finest!

The bright side is I can now lay my worries that the stomach bug is making it's rounds. On Sunday evening he couldn't finish his hamburger and was running to the bathroom frequently making me fear he had a stomach virus. He was also incredibly thirsty but no wonder...after eating a jar of peanut butter I would have been more than just thirsty!

This incident served to remind me why I keep him in line of vision and have so many safe guards in place. I am the one to blame because I got sloppy. He was doing well and I was letting him go from room to room without keeping an eye on what he was taking with him. Thankfully he seem's to be none the worse for wear!

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Why Do Children Save Their Worst Behavior For Their Parents?

Why can my child do well in public, but falls apart as soon as we are in the vehicle or at home alone?

This is a question that plagues many parents with children who have behavioral difficulties. Your home looks like a battle ground but when you are in the presence of others, your child presents normally. It is enough to make you wonder if you are slightly crazy or worse, maybe you are the cause of your child's behavior problems.

I can't count how many times our children have fallen apart as soon as we got in the vehicle, sometimes the doors aren't even closed before the screaming and kicking starts. Recently someone stopped by our house and the children held it together until the person was out the door. Then all their pent up emotions burst forth. It was almost comical how our house could go from quiet to chaos in moments...all because our guest walked out the door.

If this happens at your house, let me assure you it is a GOOD thing, not a fun thing, but a good one nonetheless. Ever think about the fact that is it with those you love that you tend to be the grumpiest? Why is that? Is it because you don't care how they feel? No, it is because it is with those you love that you feel safest. You know your family will love you even at your worst. Our children are the same way.

Your children know that mom and dad are safe. They trust that you as their parents are strong enough to handle their big feelings. They don't trust Grandma, your neighbor or their friends enough to show their big feelings so they bottle them up until they are with the people that have proved trustworthy. Not that other people aren't trustworthy but in our children's minds, and rightly so, mom and dad are safest.

Three of our children struggle in this area. With one child, what others see, is what we see at home. People think this child is a handful and I just smile because in all honesty, this child is one of our easiest. Two of our children are insecure enough that they present fairly well in public but look out when no one beside's our immediate family is around!

So if your child works to hold it together in public but falls apart at home, don't criticize yourself you aren't doing anything wrong. In fact it means just the opposite, your child obviously trusts that you are strong enough to handle his big feelings and that is an accomplishment.

*This post does not hold true if your child has RAD. These children present well in public because they are trying to get other adults on their side. Nor does it mean that your child who acts out in public as well as at home is not secure. This post is about a specific group of children, those who care what others think but are not physically and/or emotionally healthy enough to hold it together all the time.

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How To Get Your Child To Follow Instructions -Living With FASD

Jeff Noble had another great example/lesson on his FB page this morning. "If you ask someone with fetal alcohol if they understand they will say yes. Ask them to explain and they will get angry. If that happens find another way to help them understand, i.e. slow down, give them more time, less instructions." 

I remember when Dean and I were learning this lesson. We were beyond frustrated with Joseph because we would tell him to do something, followed with, "Do you understand?" Without fail he said, "Yes," and proceeded to complete the task incorrectly. We became more and more frustrated, why did he consistently fail to follow through with what we asked of him after saying he understands? Joseph was upset, Dean and I were upset and his behavior went on a nasty downward spiral. Was he intentionally lying to us, we wondered. If so, why? 

Then one day I learned that people with fetal alcohol often say what they think you want to hear or they may guess at an answer or only hear a few of the words that were spoken and then fill in the missing blanks with what they think you may have said.

Ahh! We had found the missing piece to the puzzle and life would be so much more pleasant...or so we thought! I began asking Joseph to explain what I wanted him to do after I gave him a chore. I was feeling terrible, "What if all along, he hadn't been understanding us and I was getting angry with him? I was in for a surprise ... oh the meltdowns and raging that ensued when I asked him to repeat what I had told him to do! I was stumped. We were following the recommendations and instead of incomplete tasks and an irritable little boy, we had a very angry child!

So I went to my trusty support groups and asked WHAT am I doing wrong? My child is so angry with me and I am only trying to help him! "You need to slow down, use as few words as possible and never give more than one command at a time and make sure you have his attention before giving a command." So we incorporated "good eye's" into our daily instructions. Good eye's are our code sign for, "I need you to look into my eye's and give me your full attention." 

I called Joseph to me, said, "Good eye's," then instructed him to put the plates on the table. "What are you going to do?" I asked. "Put the plates on the table!" He replied. No meltdowns, he did exactly what I asked of him and was so pleased with himself! 

Good eye contact and a few words spoken slowly - how simple but how difficult to remember!

I wish I could say we consistently remember this technique and it has been smooth sailing ever since, but that isn't the truth. Joseph hasn't changed, it is mom that gets forgetful and starts barking out orders only to be drawn up short when he stomps off in a huff or stands in the middle of the room with a lost look in his eyes. 

People with FASD can be successful if we change our expectations and provide the supports they need.... if only I could keep that in mind!

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When People Are The Cause Of Dysregulation -Living With FASD

Socializing is one of Joseph's biggest struggles. Having no self regulation and the ability to go from zero to one hundred in a few seconds time certainly doesn't help. No regulation means he doesn't have many chances to practice socializing, since people are his main cause of dysregulation. 

At ten years of age, he is very well protected since Dean or I are always by his side unless we leave him with a babysitter whom we totally trust to keep him safe. However, I get little glimpses of what his future could be like if/when the time comes when it becomes more difficult to keep these safety nets in place. As of now, when someone asks him to do something or if he wants something, he always looks to Dean or I for confirmation before accepting. But what about the time's when he doesn't have us there to guide him? This was one of the reasons he didn't do well in school. He was constantly getting into trouble since he didn't have anyone to look to when he had to make a decision. To make matters worse, the other boys knew when they had taken something far enough, not Joseph, he kept on and reaped the consequences while his buddies usually got away with it.

The normal social cues that would clue you and I in when something doesn't feel quite right, totally goes over Joseph's head. He has no sense of what is appropriate or inappropriate leading to some embarrassing moments for his parents!

Recently Joseph had an appointment that nearly led to disaster. I can't blame him either because I was the one who should have stepped in and stopped the interaction. It happened at his dreaded psych appointment, the one where people were spouting off right n left. Joseph was already on edge because he despises this appointment as much as I do. Anyway, a woman and her son were sitting nearby and when 20 minutes of aimless waiting had slowly passed, she pulled a fidget spinner out of her sons backpack and handed it to Joseph. He of course looked to me to see if it was okay, and I nodded. I should have stopped the interaction right there but me and my insecurity over, "what will people think if I make my son sit there with nothing to do," got the best of me. Joseph has begged for a fidget spinner but for many reasons he isn't safe with one. He tried to get it spinning and this lady was encouraging and loudly cheering him along, causing intense dysregulation. Then she started asking him questions, simple one's which made his, "I am no longer feeling safe so I will just give a huge smile," big, cheesy grin to appear. I was praying that they would call his name when the lady patted the seat beside her and told Joseph to come sit between her and her son who was busy playing games on one of his many electronic gadgets. Joseph immediately jumped up and I put my hand on his arm and said, "You need to keep it under control, or you will come sit beside me again." He did surprisingly well considering he has no media time at home, he was in a situation where he was ill at ease and he was waiting for a dreaded appointment. By this time I was thoroughly berating myself for not stopping this in the beginning. I knew there was no one to blame but myself, although deep inside I thought the woman should have known better than interacting with another child in such an office! I could sense his anxiety rising, although on the outside it looked like he was having fun. This is what makes it hard for people to comprehend why we go out of our way to keep his world small and low key. By the time they called Joseph's name, he was thoroughly dysregulated and I was a nervous wreck. 

I would love to hear how you teach your children with FASD to self regulate. How do you manage situations when in public? My son typically doesn't learn from experience as is common for those with FASD, so giving him more freedom so he learns social skills doesn't feel right. We have tried teaching him using charts with facial expressions but he couldn't identify even basic faces such as sad, angry or scared. 

We have also been trying to teach him coping skills with a minimum of success. Recently I watched a video on youtube that explained how hugging oneself by crossing your arms, putting your hands on your upper arm then rubbing, patting your arm can help you feel grounded as well as knowing where you are in space. This has helped Kiana a great deal but it only makes Joseph angry because he says, "You are giving me consequences when I didn't do anything wrong!" As usual, explaining that we are trying to help him feel better, does little good.

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