Sunday, March 10, 2013

Trials n Blessings

When things look overwhelming God send angels to our rescue! The past several weeks have been tough for everyone around here. Joseph is struggling with rejection. If my mommy loved me, why didn't she keep me? Where was my dad? Didn't he love me either? The feelings of rejection come out in anger and rage. Dean and I have had many heart to heart talks with him explaining that his mommy did love him she just made some bad choices and had some big problems that prevented her from caring for him. Same with his daddy. We assure him of our love, spend extra time with him, give him extra hugs n kisses but in the end he has to choose to accept our answer. Sometimes the grief and pain I see in his eyes is more than I can handle, then he turns and is  lashing out at me and being super stubborn and I have a hard time controlling my anger.
 Then there is Braden. He has a diagnosis of RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). He trusts no one. Thus he lives a life of anxiety. He worries about his next meal. Where will he live when Dean and I die? How will he know how to get to Heaven? What happens when the earth is full of dead people and there is no more room to bury people? Will he die if he doesn't eat healthy food? He asked me if his food is healthy the night I served hot dogs for supper! Dean said they won't hurt him if he eats them occasionally. Of course Braden didn't believe Dean, so he had another worry to add to his pile. Braden has become so anxious he has trouble sleeping at night which makes his fears feel even bigger which makes him sleep less and round and round we go. All this emotional turmoil has been stressful. The other children feel it and react to it. I need to be very careful I do not allow myself to be caught in the push n pull of the anxiety, anger, grief and guilt that is swirling through our home. Bradens therapist and thus my therapist as well, told me I must pull back and stop joining my children in their heightened state of emotion because then I am of no help to them. Easier said than done! Anyway, I was feeling pretty overwhelmed when God began to show me He does care. Thanks to those of you who have allowed yourselves to be used of God to show us his love! A kind friend called me and asked if she may bring supper over. I shed a few tears of gratitude after she left! My sister in law put some food along with a few encouraging words in our vehicle after a family gathering. We enjoyed a plate of whoopie pies from yet another sister in law, received cards in the mail and people called or emailed wondering how things were going. I wish I could somehow convey our deep gratitude to the  people who have taken the time to fill our empty vessels with love so we in turn can pour love into our hurting little ones!

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