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Saturday, June 22, 2013

Grief and Forgiveness

I have begun to feel the grief that I knew/hoped would be coming. I hoped I would be able to grieve Bradens leaving in order to confirm that I still do feel normal emotions. I figured it would come sometime because you don''t send your child away without some tears. I felt this vague unsettled feeling one that felt familiar but at the same time I wasn't sure why. Then the other evening I felt this longing to give Braden a hug even if he would turn around and hurt me. I still want to hold him close, assure him that mom and dad really do love him. Then I remember that those hugs he did receive didn't spell love to him they made him feel scared and sad inside. Those hugs were more for us as his parents, desperately trying to reach the lost little boy that was hiding under that anger and defiance.
  I grieve that we couldn't reach him, couldn't help him feel loved and accepted.
I grieve the loss of the those toddler/preschool years that were spent grappling with huge feelings and fears we didn't understand
Those times we punished him and expected things that his injured brain was not capable of doing.
The times I insisted he dress himself cause he was perfectly able to do so. Why didn't I just take the time to help him?
I grieve because the pain of rejection hurt so bad. The wondering why, what is wrong with us that our little boy doesn't love us?
So often while mulling this over, my thoughts go to God and my relationship with Him. How often he has forgiven and loved me even though I raged and manipulated trying to find a way out of the circumstances he chose for me. When all the while He was gently molding me, making me into the person He desires me to be.  Then I tell myself that the next struggle I face will be different and I will trust God to work things out. But no, each and every time I want to try my own way before resigning my will to His. How thankful I am that he does not give up on me! I am also thankful He didn't allow us to give up on Braden when the going was tough. Even now He is providing Braden with a good home, therapeutic care 24/7, schooling and a christian environment. When we could no longer carry the burden God already had another plan in place!
Earlier this week I was listening to Focus On The Family's morning program. A lady Named Susan Bateman was telling her story. She went through some deep trials and once while in the thick of it her husband said, "I have learned that I can live with deep pain in my heart because of who is in control." What a testimony!
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