Monday, August 26, 2013

There Is Hope


This week end was tough. Seeing normal, healthy families hurts. When we are at home dealing with the effects of trauma and neglect, I forget that tantrums, lying and enduring the hurt and rage that my children have inside, hours and hours of helping a child work through "why didn't my mommy and daddy love me?" ... those things aren't what the typical family calls normal. Then we go away and I see mom's happily chatting while their little ones play close by. They don't fear what their child may do to another because of the trauma they endured at another's hands, their children love them because they are mom and dad, because they have always been there and God willing, always will be. My children don't have that assurance. In their eyes their first mom and dad left them down, they failed to keep them safe, so why should they believe this mom and dad will be any different? I don't blame them for feeling this way but it still hurts.

Then there is the whole infertility issue. Sometimes I think it is harder now than it was a year ago. Last year I was so thankful to be free of the pain, thankfulness trumped all other emotions. A year later, the memory of the pain has faded and all I see is an incomplete human. One who cannot replenish the earth as God commanded us to. I told Dean I don't fit in with the ladies my age because they are having babies and that is where their talk centers and rightly so. I can relate to the older ladies who endure hot flashes, insomnia and a host of other issues that come with such things but they don't have toddlers and preschoolers. So where do I fit in? No where.

Can you see where this is heading??? A huge pity party in the making. Believe me, last night I indulged in one! I was feeling guilty the whole time though. You see, I taught Sunday School yesterday and the lesson was on Hope. When The children of Israel were being held captive due to disobeying God. He gave them a promise, If you turn towards me, in 70 years I will return you to Jerusalem. That was all they had to cling to. It was their choice. God can use all circumstances for his good. As christian's we must believe he is all loving, all merciful and totally faithful. Some times he will show us how he is working in our lives and other times he chooses to hide his plan from us. He is God, so however he chooses to display his power it is our duty to love and serve him regardless. So I studied and taught this lesson all the while fighting a battle within myself. God can use my little ones broken lives to raise up strong warriors for Him. He often uses broken people to do his greatest work. I need to look beyond the hurt and pain of today and realize God has a purpose for choosing this path for me and my family. We may not see it now but He is GOD we are just the clay. Everything was one major jumble in my mind and the more I tried to make sense of it all the worse I felt. Dean wisely told me to go to bed. He reminded me it had been a long week and when I am tired things seem much bigger than they really are. So I went to bed with a prayer in my heart and this morning God has given me a feeling of hope. I am inspired to help my children fight their inner battles, to lay more stones on the foundation of trust, to help them understand it wasn't their fault their birth parents couldn't care for them and most of all to show them that God is bigger than our fears and pain.

For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
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