Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Rough Weekend

I think I can finally process the weekend we just came through. Wow! Talk about tantrums, fears and rage, we saw it all in some form or another. It is safe to say that between Kiana and Joseph someone was in a funk from Saturday morning until late Sunday evening. I told Dean I am beginning to feel traumatized and he just grinned and said, "I wonder why?" I know you can't take on others trauma or you will be no help to them but sometimes you begin to feel saturated in it and it affects you whether you want it to or not.
   Saturday morning Kiana and I went away for a few hours and Joseph panicked. Rather than talk about what was bothering him he was angry and into all manner of trouble. We tried all the techniques we knew to help him process what was wrong but by his actions we came to the conclusion that he wasn't ready or able to talk. So we hunkered down to weather the storm. Sunday evening I had another go at figuring out what was going on and once more he mentioned that he didn't like that I went away. I asked why and this time he said he worried I would have an accident. Now we were getting somewhere! So if mom has an accident what do you think will happen? He thought I might get in trouble. Joseph processes things best when we can give examples so I went that route. I asked if he gets in trouble when he accidentally bumps into someone and makes them drop their papers. He shook his head no. I told him that is why it is called an accident, it is something that you don't do on purpose. If mom had an accident she wouldn't get in trouble because she didn't do it on purpose. I just hoped he wouldn't ask if all vehicle accidents were "accidents". His face cleared a bit but something was still eating at him. "What if you had a big crash," was his next question. I repeated his question back to him, "If I had a big crash, what would happen?" He thought I might get hurt. "Mom might get hurt or maybe even die, then who would take care of you. Is that what you are worried about?" I saw the light coming back into his eyes and knew I was finally on the right track. I began listing off the people that would be able to take care of him and he was relieved to see we had more than two hands full of names. "I know of a little boy who used to worry that both his mom and dad would die, do you ever worry about that?" Joseph said he didn't so I left it. I didn't want to put more fears/ideas in his head but if we didn't weed out every last bit of fear, it would soon consume him again and we would be right back to where we started.
I hugged him and assured him there were lots of people who loved him and if mom couldn't care for him there would always be someone else who would be sure he is fed and has clothing. And people try to say children who are placed in a safe home as baby's won't remember the trauma??? Joseph came to us at 6 months and his body remembers very well!
   We have been explaining to Kiana how the "baby Kiana" inside her needs lots of love and care. When she is sad or scared she needs to stop and think what the baby Kiana needs. The other day she was upset about something and said, "Mom, I am so tired of this baby Kiana, she is always causing problems!" I had to smile inside but was thankful she was at least recognizing her internal needs. We still have to coach her along and Sunday evening was no exception. We had church Sunday evening and I noticed Kiana was in tears. Afterward Dean told me they are going out to the explorer awhile. They had time to talk till the rest of the children and I came out. Sitting quietly in church gave Kiana time to think and her feelings got the best of her. Dean finished talking with her when we got home and I spent some time with Joseph. The scared feelings he had endured all weekend just kept wanting to come back and since he didn't like those feelings he got into trouble in an attempt to block them out. 
  Once everyone was finally in bed, Dean and I had a chance to talk. We couldn't decide if we should laugh or cry. :)

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