Mothers Day, the time of year when most of us honor our mothers and the time of year when those who have painful memories struggle. This week has had more than it's share of bumpy moments but Dean and I assumed the Spring Program at school was the culprit. Especially since excitement at our house looks like a free for all meltdown.
All week Kiana has been wrestling with her relationship with me and yesterday Joseph was, "Mad at me," as he said. He often gets upset with me, rages and then comes for a hug and all is well. We never reached the "all is well" stage yesterday, in fact daddy had to intervene on more than one instance. I was puzzled because it is unlike him to maintain his anger towards me for so long. Last night I was reading another adoptive moms blog post about Mothers Day and suddenly all the attitudes, meltdowns, fears and lying of the past week made sense.
Mothers Day, the day we hear about moms their love and how special they are, can be a painful day for people who's mothers didn't do those things. My children have nonverbal memories of a mom who didn't feed them, comfort them or protect them. In their eyes their mom didn't love them enough to follow through with the necessary life changes to get them back. Sometimes they need to hear that their parents did love them but they were facing huge challenges in their personal lives that left them unable to care for a baby. Other times they need us to acknowledge that their birth parents really did fail them. It can be so easy to say things like, "Your mom did love you but life was hard for her," but as our children grow we find they also need to be assured that they weren't the problem, their birth parents are the ones who messed up and made bad choices. Of course, this must be said with respect because bashing birth parents won't gain you any favors.
So if you are sporting extra bruises, your ears are ringing with words describing what an awful mom you are and your muscles are aching from "keeping little people safe," take heart, you aren't the only one! Remember your child is most likely wrestling with feelings and memories he either cannot verbalize, or cannot erase from his memory and you his loving mom have the priceless opportunity to show him you will be there for him when things get tough. When the battle subsides, look up Philippians 4:8 and remember that everything that has been flung at you comes from a place of pain, and dwell on words of truth.
All week Kiana has been wrestling with her relationship with me and yesterday Joseph was, "Mad at me," as he said. He often gets upset with me, rages and then comes for a hug and all is well. We never reached the "all is well" stage yesterday, in fact daddy had to intervene on more than one instance. I was puzzled because it is unlike him to maintain his anger towards me for so long. Last night I was reading another adoptive moms blog post about Mothers Day and suddenly all the attitudes, meltdowns, fears and lying of the past week made sense.
Mothers Day, the day we hear about moms their love and how special they are, can be a painful day for people who's mothers didn't do those things. My children have nonverbal memories of a mom who didn't feed them, comfort them or protect them. In their eyes their mom didn't love them enough to follow through with the necessary life changes to get them back. Sometimes they need to hear that their parents did love them but they were facing huge challenges in their personal lives that left them unable to care for a baby. Other times they need us to acknowledge that their birth parents really did fail them. It can be so easy to say things like, "Your mom did love you but life was hard for her," but as our children grow we find they also need to be assured that they weren't the problem, their birth parents are the ones who messed up and made bad choices. Of course, this must be said with respect because bashing birth parents won't gain you any favors.
So if you are sporting extra bruises, your ears are ringing with words describing what an awful mom you are and your muscles are aching from "keeping little people safe," take heart, you aren't the only one! Remember your child is most likely wrestling with feelings and memories he either cannot verbalize, or cannot erase from his memory and you his loving mom have the priceless opportunity to show him you will be there for him when things get tough. When the battle subsides, look up Philippians 4:8 and remember that everything that has been flung at you comes from a place of pain, and dwell on words of truth.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Thanks for commenting. I love hearing from my readers!