Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Excitement, Anxiety & Anger

The 4 blessings who call me mom.

               We ate outside on Sunday....our first picnic of the year!

Joseph enjoying his sandwich

The beggar waiting to catch any scraps

Tomorrow Kiana and Joseph are going on their school trip and Joseph is beyond excited. He acted like a hyper active toddler yesterday. He bumped into things, knocked things over and got into trouble. I just figured it was, "One of those days," Dean finally sat him down and asked him what was going on. Turns out he is excited about the school trip, but fear and anxiety always go hand in hand with excitement for Joseph. Dean reminded me that this time of year is hard for Joseph, summer vacation begins in two weeks, Mothers Day is just past and tomorrow is his SCHOOL TRIP!!! :)

Poor Joseph has been struggling with feelings of abandonment lately. I can't say I blame him, how would I feel and react if I were in his situation?  By Joseph's reaction to various things and his anger towards me, I was pretty sure he was hurting because of his past but I wasn't sure it was a good idea for me to ask him if that is what was bothering him because he is very good at going down bunny trails in order to avoid talking about an issue he doesn't want to discuss. Despite Joseph's inability to find words on his own to tell us what is wrong when something is bothering him, he is excellent at making up a legitimate sounding story to get us off the trail of the real problem. For that reason, I hesitated to bring up the subject of his birth mom. What if I just put more ideas in his head? In the end I said, "You have been very angry with mom these past few days, I wonder if you are also angry at your mommy A?" Joseph thought for a moment before slowly nodding his head. "Who are you most angry with, me or your mommy A?" I asked. He didn't need to think about that answer, "I am angry at my mommy A because she didn't take care of me!" What he was really saying was, "She didn't love me enough to take care of me."           We had the same talk we have had numerous times before. The one where I explain why his mommy A couldn't care for him, all the while assuring him it wasn't his fault that she made bad choices. He seemed happier when he climbed into bed, but Sunday was a repeat of Saturday. He was sure I was just doing things to make his life miserable. "If you would stop making rules it would be more fun," was his take on the situation. Knowing he isn't really angry at me takes some of the sting out of the blame he slings my way but it still hurts!

Doesn't take much to make a little girl happy. Lia has been begging for an umbrella but I didn't think it was necessary. This morning I found a cheap one and much to her delight, I bought it. She told me I should have bought one for Kobi cause, "Dogs don't like getting wet, mom!"

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