Monday, January 15, 2018

The Pain Of Remembering

Sometimes I get a bit frustrated with my children when they are obviously reacting to a trauma trigger but have no idea what is bothering them. I ask how they feel and they shrug their shoulders and say, "I am angry!" Now we all know mad is a cover emotion, sad, scared, worried all typically show themselves as mad.Our two middle children are "mad" a lot according to them, but if we can get them talking, we usually find another big feeling is to blame for the actions/attitude. 

It is amazing how often God allows me to experience something so that I can better understand my children. For me understanding allows me to be empathetic and compassionate. I wish I was one of those people who can ride the waves and not be affected by their children's trauma behaviors, but I am not. However when I can understand a bit where they are coming from, suddenly it makes perfect sense.

Yesterday was one of the hardest days I have had in a long time. I didn't know why, couldn't make sense of it. There were a few small issues that triggered me but none big enough to make me meltdown in tears during Sunday School They were big, messy, heart wrenching tears. I kept praying that the tears would stop but they refused to. Si I kept my head bowed and hoped I wasn't being too obvious. Kiana whispered, "Mom, are you sick?" She kept looking at me with concern which made the tears come faster and harder. I was ready to tell Dean we have to go home but I prayed that if God wants us to stay for the remainder of the service, he would dry up my tears. He did, so we stayed although we left immediately afterward, much to the children's dismay.

The rest of the day, was hard and try as I might I couldn't figure out what was wrong, so I blamed it on withdrawal. This morning I had a memory from several years ago on FB and I knew what was wrong. Yesterday was Braden's birthday! I knew it was coming up and I had determined not to let it catch me off guard because the same thing has happened before. But as usual, life got busy and I forgot. What a good reminder that, "The Body Never Forgets."

Our bodies were designed to retain information but sometimes that retaining means our hearts are broken again and again. Our minds forget but our bodies never forget what we have gone through. I remember reading somewhere that when you experience something too painful to think on, your brain provides a barrier and you "forget" until such a time as you are emotionally strong enough to process the loss. I think that is what my brain is doing, little by little I grieve those painful years and all that happened. If I remembered it all at once, I would likely experience a mental break down. I find this is very true with our children, there are some things we work through time and again and each time, new memories/thoughts are recalled and a bit more healing is accomplished. 

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