Getting To Know You Adoption Talk Link Up

   I am joining the first adoption talk of the year, entitled Getting To Know You.  Here is the link if you wish to contribute a blog post in the future.

  

 Hi, I am mom to four wonderful little people. One by birth three by adoption. We dove into foster care head first. Our bio son was 4 when we received Kiana who was our first placement. She was an adorable little girl with a head full of curly hair. We fell in love with her. Her case was an easy one and we felt we had this whole foster thing down pat so we took in two little boys, Joseph 6 months and B 17 months. Kiana was 8 months at the time so it was sort of like having triplets. Tristan at four took to being a big brother like a duck to water. In 2012 we received another placement, a little sister for Kiana. Lia was doted on by her big brothers and sister, who thought it was wonderful to have a baby in the house.
      Our journey through foster care hasn't been easy our children suffer from the trauma they experienced in their early years but in spite of it all, we can say we are blessed. 
      Sadly B, who came to us at 17 months and whom we later adopted no longer lives with us. He faced huge challenges, way beyond what we could safely and fully meet with four other children in our home. We worked with an agency to find him a family that could give him what he needed, without those things his future looked very dark.








    

God Loves Broken People!

This quote came up on my FB page this morning and it went so well with the things I have been pondering lately. Things like life, love, morality, our purpose on earth.... that kind of thing.
     Some of our experiences and the way we worked through them have made others question our integrity. Being placed under that kind of scrutiny makes you question your own motives, especially when you honestly want to do what is right. It is good to stand back and take a good look at your life from time to time and these experiences made us do just that. It also made us aware how much our decisions affect those around us. It is easy to think our choices don't make a difference in the world around us, we are just one small person after all. 
   I have been wondering what is my purpose? Am I fulfilling that purpose? In our human weakness we think, "If God would have prevented xyz from happening, wouldn't I be able to do greater things? If I wouldn't have such and such a happening in my past my witness would be so much more effective."
   Sadly that is where my thoughts have been wanting to go lately. God brought me up short when he reminded me that God uses broken people to do his work. The first step is being broken before God, repenting of our sins, then rising up and following him. 
    When we accept Christ, we will continue to face trials, but the redeeming factor is that God can use the very things that break us to glorify his name and further sanctify us. 
   We have all encountered those people who went through great trials, their witness is so much sweeter because they have allowed God to use their brokenness for his purposes. 
   So can being broken can be a good thing for the christian? We all cringe from pain be it physical or emotional. Could it be that pain is a blessing in disguise? 
   For some of us being broken is God's way of moving us out of our comfort zone and into a position that we never would have considered had we been left to go on with our comfortable routine.
   For others, God may need to break us before we can fully realize the joy and peace he has in store for us.
   Still others may feel like Abraham of old, offering up their Isaac to show their love for God. Their Isaac was their most treasured possessions, one God had blessed. Maybe their Isaac was only achieved after they lay down their own hearts desires. When they aligned their will to God's, joy flooded their hearts, but now God is asking for that very thing they sacrificed so much to gain.
  The "breaking process" is so hard, one we cringe from but God uses our very brokenness to meet the needs of a broken world. God loves broken people!

December Photo's And A Thank You

December In Picture's...

                           School Program

                     Dean shot a deer and made jerky

Kiana made a card for Joseph and he wrote this in return!

 Joseph doing "dish duty"

Christmas at my parents. Tristan got a 2lb gummi bear

Time for the quarterly med check...Kiana reading stories to Lia 

The poor falling apart gingerbread house the children decorated

Signing Christmas cards for their classmates

A very blurry pic of Tristan ready to go to his first Christmas Party...as an employee!

Lia trying to stay awake while we sang Christmas Carols

Joseph and his beloved marble roller

Lia got a "Doctor Coat" for Christmas....we are all a little weary of playing doctor.

Lego Friends!

Remote Control Tractor

Thank you for all the prayers, cards, meals and gifts you have given to us over the past year(s). We cannot thank you enough. Those kindnesses shed a ray of sunlight on some very dark days, brightening them in ways that only caring people can. 

Our First Christmas After An Adoption Dissolution

      Christmas is all about love and forgiveness, two things that we as Christians are called to practice. Two things that can bring a lot of pain and guilt when you have recently disrupted the adoption of a child whom you fully intended to call your son as long as God grants you life.

   Last night after the children had gone to bed Dean and I talked about B and tried to make sense of our emotions.

So what is the first Christmas after disruption like?  To answer that question, here is a glimpse into our lives the past weeks.....

 When we sat down to open presents and a child counted everyone and said, "We are all here." My heart ached.

When a mom took her life a few weeks before Christmas because it was just "too much." I shivered because I know her desperation all to well.

When someone gave us a special gift, to let us know they care, we felt blessed.

When we took family pictures and ours has four children instead of five, I cried.

When I read a joyful adoption announcement, I felt torn inside. I want to be happy for them but instead I feel fear.

When I was folding socks and saw Josephs threadbare socks I was reminded that he used to get the hand me downs from two big brothers, not anymore.

Other years we had three children the same age for the last week of December and the first two weeks of January, but not anymore.

When I face another day of sitting on the sofa doing nothing because it hurts to move and I am so tired, I battle bitterness.

When Lia told a new friend, "I have two brothers and one sister," I want to tell the woman that we used to have three boys.

When someone told me, "You need to do what is right for your family," when talking about Christmas plans, my heart was warmed.

When I took Joseph for an evaluation, I was reminded of the many, many such appointments I attended for B. All those new doctors I took him too, all the times I asked the doctor questions to see how much they really understood about RAD. I feel as if all the time and headaches were for naught.

 When Joseph has, "a moment," and I am thrown back in time to another little boy who looked just like him, I panic and tell Dean I need some space. Dean calmly takes over and I have a good cry.

When I sweep my family room floor and remember B helping Dean put it in place, my heart hurts.

When I cleaned my kitchen chairs and saw the teeth marks on the back of a chair, I remember the rage that produced those marks and thank God that we have moved beyond that time in our life.

Whenever B's name comes up, I cry. Somewhere I read this quote: You know you have healed from your pain when talking about it no longer brings tears. Sometimes I think I cry more for B now than I ever did while he was at home.

When all the children are playing peacefully, I thank God because it wasn't always this way. B couldn't tolerate peacefulness so he intentionally caused chaos.

....and that is how we felt this Christmas season.... 

Blessed - because of God's Gift of Jesus

Sad - because we are a family of 6 instead of 7

Guilty - because this was never how it was supposed to be.

Relieved - because the responsibility of parenting B is no longer our's

Weary - because of all the emotional pain of the past years.

Thankful - because God found a family that is able to meet B's needs when we no longer could.

I Hate It Here! How To Help Your Child When He Is Melting Down

    The saying, "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence," can be true for everyone but I honestly think those afflicted with FASD get a double dose of the disorder. I know it is partly due to their inability to understand cause and effect and partly because they struggle to understand their world but even knowing that doesn't make parenting these children easy.
   Mr. Joseph cannot understand rules, thus he hates them with a passion. Unfortunately, rules are a part of everyone's life, especially for the group of people classed as children!
   The other day, he melted down when I told him it was nap time. "I hate naps! I wish there wasn't anything like them, I don't know why you always say I need them cause I am not even tired!!!!!" This is the slightly sanitized version of words that came spewing from his mouth.
   I did the connected parenting thing and acknowledged his dislike of naps, offered him a drink, a snack and offered to tuck him in, but he wasn't buying any of it. I ended up putting him in his bed and letting him scream it out. When he calmed down enough to talk I sat on his bed and tried to help him understand why he needs a nap. When will I learn to save my breath? 
    "I hate it here I am going to find a place that doesn't have rules!" He declared. 
   "I will miss my Joseph but if you want, I will help you pack your clothing," I offered. "Do you want me to pack some food for you?" We have found that calling Joseph's bluff while assuring him that we will miss him usually puts out the blaze. I don't recommend doing this unless your child has a decent attachment and you know he will accept it in the right way.
   Joseph huffed n sighed for a bit then said, "I don't have anywhere to go cause I can't walk far." 
   "Not a problem," I assured him, "I will drive you but I must tell you that wherever you go, there will be rules just like at home. Rules about taking naps, speaking kindly and not running in the house. In fact, if you move, you might have even more rules."
   Joseph didn't like the sound of that at all. "Well I could go live in the woods, there wouldn't be any rules there."
   "True," I agreed, "But what about food, where will you get more when you run out?"
   He thought for awhile and said, "I would live in the woods if Lia would go with me but she won't so I can't!" I had to smile but didn't let him know it, he was backing down and saving his ego at the same time.
   "I have a better idea," I said, "How about you live here and be my Joseph cause I would miss you so much if you lived in the woods."
   He had to agree that I had a good idea but he made sure I understood that he still wasn't going to sleep. "That's okay," I assured him, "As long as you lay quietly and rest." He didn't sleep but he was quiet so I guess we both won! Best of all, he gave me a hug when nap time was over and we were "friends" again, until the next time he didn't understand something then we began the whole thing all over again.


   If you are like me, you get a little or a lot, weary of these and similar issues. For the child with RAD, he honestly wishes for a new family so he wouldn't have to exert all his time and mental energy in to keeping up the wall around his heart.
   If your child has trouble understanding the world around him like Joseph does, the desire to move away probably has more to do with his feeling overwhelmed and misunderstood. Give your child a voice, empathize with them, tell them you are sorry they feel this way but they must do as they are told. 
   Cold water will sometimes turn Joseph around. Be it a cold drink, tossing a few drops of water at him or letting him swim in the pool, water has the ability to pull him out of whatever funk he is stuck in. For that reason alone we wish we had an indoor pool, where he could swim to his hearts content. 
   Sometimes, the child needs the release tears and screaming can bring. I know I tend to feel better after a good cry.
    Exercise is also a good way to help your child feel better, although they have to be willing to participate, something that is usually impossible once they have reached the meltdown stage. If your child is able, have them jump on a trampoline, do jumping jacks or run laps.
   Joseph's therapist has him "push a wall over" to get the deep sensory input he craves. The only trouble was, Joseph watched Dean push over a block wall a few days previously and he was to scared to try for fear the whole building would come down on him! I explained that the wall daddy pushed over was loose blocks, nothing like the strong wall his therapist wanted him to "push over." 
    Sometimes his weighted blanket or chewy beads help calm him, other times he wants nothing to do with them. Wrapping my arms tightly around him is another way for him to experience deep muscle input.
   Every child is different and this time of year will have you pulling out all of your tricks but remember: This is not about you, it is about trauma, brain damage and fear, deep set fear.

Holiday Drama

The Christmas Drama has begun, la la la la! The tears are bigger, the wails louder, the shrieks reach a higher pitch and anything, nothing and everything will trigger them.

Sometimes Dean and I smile, shake our heads and plow head first into the next drama, other times we tag team. He takes one, I take the next one and so on.

I know trauma is the root of the drama but I just get tired of it, you know? I wish for their sake as well as for ours that they could bury the pain and loss for once and for all. 

    This is a glimpse into what we have been doing the past week or two. God has blessed me with some good days this week, what a blessing.

Lia made me a necklace

Blurry Picture of the cowgirl that came to visit

Joseph the shepherd boy

We went to Journey To Bethlehem with friends

Making White Chocolate Chex Mix for the neighbors

Tristan and Lia

Please Don't Correct Me Correcting My Kids...A Post From A Fellow Blogger

I am sharing the following post with permission from the author. 

You can find her blog here.

Please Don't Correct me Correcting my Kids

I am normally very open to criticism.  As I flounder through this world of parenting I need all the help I can get.  I am constantly seeking the advice of those who have done this thing right, as well as those who haven't but wish they had.  If I'm seriously doing something to mess up my kids, I'd like to be the first to know about it so I can change it before it's too late.

However, when it comes to my Haitian children, unless you have walked in my shoes or have professional experience I more than likely will withhold asking your opinion on how to handle them.  This is in no way intended to be rude, but you simply don't understand and you will make the wrong call almost every time because you will want to parent them as you would a child who hasn't endured the trauma and issues with attachment they have.   Despite how long you have been a parent, I more than likely know more about what is best in any given situation regarding them than you do. Soo....

Unless you have put hours and hours into studying the affects of trauma on the infant and childhood brain, I don't want to hear it.

Unless you have endured daily meltdowns from my children and sweated, talked, hugged and worked through it with them for hours, I don't want to hear it.

Unless you have already tried the traditional parenting strategies over and over to see them fail and worsen the issues, I don't want to hear it.


4 simple things you DON'T understand about my children:

1.  His need to manipulate and control is insatiable.  And you will not see him doing it...I do.
      So when you see me correcting how slow he is in getting into the car, or putting his shoes on, please don't ask me to be patient with him.  Everything must be on his time so as to show HE is in control, not others.  Allow me to correct him in a way that shows I love him, I am in control and he  is truly better off that way.

2.  He wants YOU to be his mother.
      When my child wants a play date at your house, I will more than likely decline.  My son wants desperately to be a part of your family (whoever you are...) so as not to have to do the hard work of trusting his own family to love and care for him.  This sounds crazy to you, but it is so very true...please trust me.  There are some people who are a threat to our bonding as a family and some who aren't.  Time spent with certain people will throw him into a tizzy that takes a great deal of time, love, and patience to work through to bring him back to a place where he wants me to be his mom again.  Please trust me to decide what is best regarding with who and how he spends his time..

3.  He doesn't trust adults.  Any of them.  Ever.  Not you, not me.
        My children truly think they know more than you or I do about everything.  So when his soccer coach tells him how to play his position, he won't do it.  He truly believes he knows more than the coach and what is best so he is in CONTROL.  As a young child, adults around him rarely had his best interest at heart.  He has learned to rely on himself as they proved unreliable at almost every turn.  He is slowly learning what he never learned as a young child;  God intended for adults to protect, love and nurture him.  He now lives in a world where adults being in control is what is best for him because they are reliable and he can depend on them.

4.  Issues with food are real, difficult, and irrational.
     When you see me correcting what you may perceive as the nit pickiest little thing about how and what they eat, it's because I have a wealth of information you are not privy to.  You haven't seen the true fear in their eyes when they find out a meal might be delayed or when others are helping themselves to pizza and quantities are diminishing. You haven't seen the obsession with food that, without intervention, would quickly take over their lives in a truly dysfunctional way.  My children have suffered true hunger in a way your children never have.  Food will incite their survival instinct faster than anything else.  I am using food to teach them to trust.

Lest you think I write this post in vain, let me share one of many experiences with you.  People, strangers even, feel the need to correct my parenting of these two on a regular basis and feel the need to intervene in ways they never would have regarding my biological children.  For example, After my 10 year old son deliberately and harshly splashed a toddler in the face at a public pool, I gave him a stern talking to and had him sit out of the pool in the shade for awhile.  He later pointed out a lady who came to him while he was sitting down and asked him if I was his mother, if he was alright, and if he needed help.  This lady has no idea that she played right into his manipulative, controlling, little hand.  His hand of wanting to manipulate any given situation where he is in control, appearing as a victim of undue parental aggression in his life, and bonding with strangers instead of his family.  She had NO idea the damage she incurred that I spent the next however long undoing.

I've stopped trying to explain to people.  I'm tired of being brushed off as an over-thinking, over-analytical, over-protective, irrational mother who is blowing things out of proportion. When I say I need to be the one to fix his plate at potluck, I do.  When I say he can't ride in your car with you to the store, he can't.  When I say he needs to sit by me instead of you or your child, he does.  I'm not being over-anything, I am simply trying to help our family survive and teach my children how to love and be loved.  I'm simply trying to avoid a meltdown that you won't be there to deal with the next day.

 I could explain to you the reasoning behind all of this dysfunction and I welcome the invitation to educate however I can.  There are thousands of families dealing with adopted children, children from foster care, or children who have endured a great deal of trauma in their little lives who would love for you to understand and support them better.  However, that is another blog.  I simply want to put this out there so those who don't deal with kids like mine on a regular basis can understand better how to support and help families who do.

We have progressed immensely together over the last 3 years, our family.  All of us have grown in our capacity for compassion, understanding, and unconditional love.  I'm so proud of all of my children and my husband who have worked so hard to understand, tolerate, and learn to love each other.  I am grateful to those around us who do understand, who have been a pillar when I have needed it.  I am grateful for those who don't understand but have taken the time to listen, put their hurt feelings aside and trust that I know what's best.  And I'm thankful for the lady at the pool, who gave me an opportunity to educate a little bit about this crazed world that we who have taken on this adventure live in every day.