When We Ask God For Patience And He Gives Trials Instead

     After I wrote yesterdays post I was listening to a radio program and what I heard felt like God was prodding me, giving me a reminder. In my own words this is what I heard, "Patience, we ask God for it, desire for Him to pour it upon us, to give it to us a gift of sorts, if you will. But God usually doesn't answer our prayer by filling us with patience. He often leads us through hard times and let's us earn patience because like most things, we will value it much more if we have to earn it."
      The speaker then gave the illustration of someone learning to water ski, again my own words, "You are in your living room with your new ski's and an instruction manual. Even though you follow the instructions, you will have a difficult time learning to ski because you are missing the key ingredient, water. Learning patience is similar. We have an instruction book and we know what we wish to attain, but without trial's, we will have a difficult time learning patience."
     I was wishing, praying for a quick fix for Johnny's heart, but these words made me realize that both Johnny and I may learn more if we have to struggle to build a relationship. Our relationship will be stronger and more secure if we struggle to bond.
          

    The same concept goes for feeling near to God. I long to have a close relationship with Him but unless, I come to the place where I realize that I am helpless and circumstances are beyond my control, I will find it difficult to acquire the trust I need to give my life, everything that I call "mine" over to Him. How do we come to the bottom of ourselves? By being in situations beyond our control, something many of us call a trial.

   My Brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into diverse temptations;
Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.
                                  James 1:1&2

Trying To Regain A Lost Bond

       Sometimes I want to make everything okay for my children. I want to make their decisions for them and set a course so they have no choice but to take the right path, even though forced obedience isn't true obedience. It would be noble of me if I wanted to do this to help them, and don't get me wrong, I do. However another equally large part of me, wants them to succeed because I don't like working through the junk their junk stirs up. Selfish, I know, but unfortunately it is the truth.

   There are times, like now that I wish I would have given my children anonymous names so I could share a little more freely about some of the things we experience. I could just be quiet but I have this burning desire, a need even, to share what we are learning. Perhaps it is a passion of mine due in part to all the pain we could have avoided if only someone had told us about Connected Parenting, about parenting traumatized children back when we started on this journey. Anyway, I didn't use pen names and even if I had many of you would know exactly which child I am referring to. I will simply refer to this particular child as Johnny. 

   Johnny is afraid to love me. I can guess at his reasons why. Reasons like: what if you stop loving me, I don't want to betray my loyalty to my birth mom, what if you would die and so on and so forth but none of those fears is the big reason that keeps Johnny in constant emotional pain. 

  Johnny won't talk, his lips are sealed. We do know that Johnny is afraid he will hurt my feelings, which is ironic, because he is continually hurting me by his nasty actions.

  The light has gone out of Johnny's eyes and we seldom see a genuine smile. He smiles plenty of fake smiles, laughs and plays with his siblings but he usually ends up in tears because his big feelings get the best of him.

  We have tried everything from begging to pleading and even a few things we knew wouldn't help, like bribing. I know bribing isn't helpful but when you are desperate, you are willing to try almost anything. I long to have my happy little Johnny back. 

   We placed Johnny's name on the waiting list with a local therapist. This problem has surfaced off and on over the years since Johnny's adoption and Dean told me he thinks it is time we introduce a third party into Johnny's struggle to bond with me and I agree. Although I must admit the thought of more attachment therapy, makes my stomach churn. Seems not so long ago we were doing this very same thing with another little man.

   Those memories make Johnny's rejection of me extra hard, it brings back memories. Memories that bring pain. It is amazing how quickly I can be transported back in time to those days. I can feel the utter loneliness of being the only one is on the receiving end of a little persons big feelings, my heart races and a cold sweat breaks out on my brow. I struggle to remember I am dealing with a totally different situation. I panic and worry that Johnny has RAD even though I know that isn't true.

    I am trying to go out of my way to connect with Johnny, hoping that with time, love, patience and lots of prayer we can regain the ground we lost. It would be easier if I knew how we lost our bond. I go over and over it, trying to figure out what went wrong, where did I fail? I think it just can't be, why didn't we see it before now?

    But when I look over the past year, I know why we didn't see it, our minds were occupied with B. We were working through the emotions his move brought on and we thought the children were doing okay. Living in regret doesn't help and with God's help we will conquer this new battle.  

This post shared on: http://fdeanhackett.com/2016/02/tell-it-to-me-tuesdays-link-up-party-53.html

  

  

We Have A Winner!

FAYE MARTIN!!!!!

Congratulations Faye, send me your address and I will mail the cookbook asap. Enjoy!

The Spiritual Battle Over Adoption

      Redemption is messy, you have to get close enough to people to risk being falsely accused. That is what Jesus did. He did not hesitate to intervene even though he knew others would misinterpret his actions and he would be judged by the people of the day.

       Jesus was willing to pay the full price, even death so He could offer redemption to a fallen people. What about us, are you willing pay the price, am I? 

       It is human nature to be willing to do things where we will receive praise and honor. But is that the redemptive love Jesus portrayed? 

     Sometimes I struggle with the ministry God has given Dean and I. I tend to think it would be so much easier if our mission was outside of our home. If the walls of our house could be a refuge from the toil and pain of the outside world. But God called us to the mission of adoption, and while I wouldn't have it any other way, it is tough sometimes.



   Adoption is messy. In a sense we are redeeming lives from the cycle of abuse, poverty and addiction that so often play a part in our children's pasts. Those strongholds will not be easily tossed aside. They, along with genetic "tendencies" are vying for the lives of our children. We are in a fight between good and evil. The age old battle between God and Satan is still being played out across the world. Naturally Satan does not want to give up one of these little one's. His plan is to keep them locked in the life of bondage they were born into, slaves to sin and self. Is it any wonder that the world of foster care and adoption is fraught with pain and turmoil?



    Just because our children are now in Christian homes, doesn't mean they are automatically protected from the trauma and pain of their past. In fact, I wonder if some of the intense struggles some families face while trying to parent and bond with their children is not a direct attack, an intense all out effort to keep our children from loving their parents and following Jesus. Think about it, if our children cannot learn to love and trust us, their earthly parents, how much harder it will be for them to learn to trust their Heavenly Father?

   This attack on our children's ability to bond has a two fold purpose. What better way to discourage a follower of Jesus, a lover of children, than to have a child come in to their home who takes everything he is given and uses it to hurt and destroy? When a child will not/can not/ does not love you and appears to adore everyone else, you seriously begin to doubt your ability to parent. When the child falsely accuses you, you begin to doubt your integrity. Maybe you aren't who you thought you were. Maybe there is something wrong with you. When you no longer trust yourself, your faith in God is next in the line of attack. If you aren't careful, you fall for the evil lies Satan is planting in your mind. You need someone to speak truth into your heart because so quickly both you and your child have totally lost your way. Just what the enemy of our soul is trying to accomplish.



Sometimes I succumb to fear when I think of what my little ones are up against. They have so many battle's ahead, battles that Dean and I have no experience navigating because we were loved and cared for as children. Then I remind myself, who is on our side and I take fresh courage. I remember that the battle is the Lord's, he is the one who called us to adoption and he will make a way. 

So friend when parenting your child feels like a losing battle, when tears and sorrow envelope your heart instead of joy, remember: IF GOD BE FOR US, WHO CAN BE AGAINST US?!



As I was pondering this blog post this song came to mind...

God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea
And rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs
And works His sovereign will.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.

Blind unbelief is sure to err
And scan His work in vain;
God is His own interpreter,
And He will make it plain.

  Remember to leave a comment or like my FB page Tales From Our House Blog to be entered in the giveaway, hurry it ends next Tuesday.

  

also shared on Mama Moments Linky party
      

Giveaway!

I am having a giveaway to celebrate 3 years of blogging. I have been thinking I should do something, but what? Then one of my friends showed me a cookbook her family recently published and I had my answer. The recipe's range from tried and true family favorites to gluten and dairy free. The index includes: Grandma's Recipes, Outdoor Cooking, Appetizers, Dips and Beverages. Full color pictures of select recipes are shown on each divider. 

   To enter the giveaway, post a comment below or go to Tales From Our House Blog  FB page and click on giveaway. There you will have the opportunity to have your name entered more than once. The giveaway ends next Tuesday.

 The cookbooks sell for $17 plus shipping. You can order a cook book at: cookbookorders2015@gmail.com

 or call:

 717-572-7057

There is special pricing for wholesale orders.

The Versatile Blogger Award

I want to thank Abigail from Herding Chickens for nominating me. Her blog, herdingchickens.wordpress.com is excellent. 

If you are nominated, you've been awarded the Versatile Blogger Award!

-Thank the person who nominated you and be sure to share the link to that person's blog.

- Then select 15 blogs/bloggers that you recently discovered or regularly follow whom you consider versatile and excellent in their writing. Nominate them for the Versatile Blogger Award and notify them on their About page. 

- Finally share 7 things about yourself.

- Starting a blog felt like I was allowing the whole world a look inside our home. Did I really want to do that?

- On the other hand, I had to do something, starting a blog was a non confrontational way for me to educate people about attachment, trauma and how they affect those who suffer from it.

- I still struggle with knowing how much to share on my blog.

- I have a passion for helping parents who have a child with severe attachment problems.

- I thrive on deep relationships

- I love coffee and chocolate, maybe too much sometimes

- I am a Christian and am so thankful for what Christ has done for me.

Here are the bloggers I nominate:  http://www.nobohnsaboutit.com/ 

 http://rebekahsfamilyfoodandfun.blogspot.com/http://nancyvnjourney.blogspot.com/

http://martinsinchina1.blogspot.com/

http://www.fromsurvivaltoserenity.com/

http://shallrunandnotbeweary.blogspot.com/

http://donnareidland.com/

http://www.nogreaterjoymom.com/

http://homeasoftplacetofall.blogspot.com/

http://couldntmakeitupifitried-jen.blogspot.com/

https://momzookeeper.wordpress.com/

http://colombianbrewed.blogspot.com/

http://theordinaryhomemaker.blogspot.com/

https://thebeautifulopportunity.wordpress.com/

https://jenniezimmerman.wordpress.com/

http://ourgoodwinjourney.com/

What Is It Really Like To Be An Adoptive Parent?

What is it like to be an adoptive parent, you ask. Well, sometimes you feel very blessed and other times you wonder why you were chosen to walk the tangled pathway of adoption.

I like to think that adoption is "typical parenting" on steroids and when you add special needs into the mix, you get way more than you ever bargained for. You become super blessed and super stressed!

  When Tristan was placed in my arms, I was already bonded with him. He was mine. My mother heart was ready to protect him at all costs. When a foster/adoptive child is placed in your arms, it isn't the same. I loved each of my children but it took awhile for me to feel like their mom. Part of that was because they already had an opinion about life. They had experienced life without me and they didn't think they needed me. No one knows your biological child better than you do. When he cries, he is automatically handed to mom. You can comfort him because you are familiar, you represent security. When a foster/adoptive child comes into your home, you do not represent security. When he cries, he is crying for someone else. You are a stranger. It takes awhile to learn the necessary dance that happens between a mother and child.

Your newborn has always had his needs met. He has never experienced life separate from you. Your adopted child has quite possibly witnessed and experienced horrors you know nothing about. I remember longing to comfort my children when they were placed with us but some of them wanted nothing to do with me, how were they to know I wasn't going to hurt them? 

Your biological child soon recognizes mom and gives smiles freely but you have to earn your adopted child's smile. When my children gave me their first true smiles, my heart beat with joy. They were responding to me, we were building good memories on top of the ashes of their past! Knowing their back grounds made their smiles that much more precious..

Complete strangers will come up to you and praise you for adopting children. You will hear things like, "I could never do what you do!" On the flip side are the people who say, "Lucky you, you are just handed a baby. No pregnancy or labor to go through. It must be nice!"

As an adoptive parent your heart will cry a little when you hear people saying their child has his daddy's eyes or his grandpa's personality. You will also smile inside when a stranger comes up to you and say's, "This little boy looks just like his daddy." You quickly learn to say something like, "We think so too."

   You will find yourself in doctor's offices explaining why your child needs an evaluation. The doctor may look at you and say, "Didn't you know that no amount of alcohol is safe during pregnancy?" When you quietly point out that your child is adopted you are lifted from criminal status to sainthood. Neither position feels comfortable.

  As an adoptive mom you will learn about different nationalities. We are continually amazed at the amount of hot sauce and spices our daughter enjoys. Our mouths are burning and she is shoveling in the food, exclaiming how good it tastes. You may need to learn about skin and hair care, if your child is older, you will have cultural issue's to work through. 

   As an adoptive parent you will have to accept that your child's heart is never fully yours. Typically they reserve a small - sometimes large -  portion of their loyalty for their birth parents. 

  You, especially mom, will receive all the anger and rage your child feels towards his parents and whatever he has experienced in life. He will shout that he hates you and wishes you weren't his mom. She will break things she knows are precious to you because she wants you to know how badly she is hurting inside. There will be days when you wonder why your heart still beats.

You will receive love notes, hugs and kisses and feel guilty that you have this privilege instead of your child's birth parents. 

As an adoptive parent you will grieve the time you didn't have with your child. When your child asks, "Why didn't you keep me safe?" When referring to the years in his bio home, your heart will break a little more. You will also grieve for your child's birth parents, they are losing the years you are now enjoying with their/your child. Adoption is all about balancing joy and sadness, grief and relief.

Your child will beg you to take him back to his biological home because he is sure that life would be easier than the one he has now. You will once again be the "bad guy" when you tell him you can't do that.

You will find little love notes to birth parents alongside the "I love you" papers your child gives you and you will be reminded that even though you have sacrificed, cried, begged, pleaded and pounded pillows because of this child, you still come in second in your child's heart. As an adoptive parent you have to be okay with that.

When you hear your child belting out Jesus Loves Me, while playing with her dolls you will fall to your knees and thank God for rescuing one more child from the cycle of abuse and poverty that is so often a part of our children's pasts. You will praise the Father for choosing you to have a part in helping one more child. You will find yourself praying, "Thank you for being patient with me when I fought against this path you have chosen for me. Thank you for blessing me with this child, give us the wisdom we need to help our children feel loved and be able to give love in return. Thank you, Jesus for this priceless privilege."



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