Wednesday, December 13, 2017

What Would We Do Differently If We Could Have A Redo?

This picture came up in my FB memories this morning. Many pictures of him make me feel sad and sick at heart but this one is precious. I remember taking this picture after a particularly rough day although I can no longer remember what made it tough. Dean and I were determined to show him that we love him but we didn't understand that while you can show all the love you want, unless a child feels that love, it will not fulfill it's intended purpose.

This was before we knew about TBRI and the need to parent traumatized children differently. We knew that what we were doing wasn't working but had no idea what to do next. We didn't know about FASD and how it clouds and distorts a persons view of the world. We parented him just like we were raised and this does NOT work for our children from hard places. 

It is hard to look back and see all the mistakes we made. I am often tempted to wonder if things would be different if only we had known back then what we know now. Would we be a family of 7 instead of a family of 6? How much healthier would our children be if they hadn't been through a CYS investigation and adoption disruption? How much more trusting would Dean and I be? But my mind always goes full circle and I come back to the fact that we honestly did the best we knew with what we had and "our" little boy is having his needs met with his new family in ways our family never could have provided.

So if we could go back, if we would be granted a redo, what would we do differently?

- Attend a training in TBRI before bringing traumatized children into our home.

- We would bring one child into our home at a time and make sure they are fully bonded and secure before bringing in more children

-We would keep our interactions with the outside world to a bare minimum the first months.

- We would do our best to Meet Our Child At His Level versus the level on which his peers are at

- We would practice Felt Safety

- We would realize that Love Is Not Enough

- We would be on the lookout for Trauma Triggers, realizing that what appears to be negative behavior may actually be a trauma trigger

But despite all the things we wish we would have done differently and the many times we fall into the "why us" mentality, we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that There Is Safety In Being In The Center Of God's Will

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