The Pain Of Remembering

Sometimes I get a bit frustrated with my children when they are obviously reacting to a trauma trigger but have no idea what is bothering them. I ask how they feel and they shrug their shoulders and say, "I am angry!" Now we all know mad is a cover emotion, sad, scared, worried all typically show themselves as mad.Our two middle children are "mad" a lot according to them, but if we can get them talking, we usually find another big feeling is to blame for the actions/attitude. 

It is amazing how often God allows me to experience something so that I can better understand my children. For me understanding allows me to be empathetic and compassionate. I wish I was one of those people who can ride the waves and not be affected by their children's trauma behaviors, but I am not. However when I can understand a bit where they are coming from, suddenly it makes perfect sense.

Yesterday was one of the hardest days I have had in a long time. I didn't know why, couldn't make sense of it. There were a few small issues that triggered me but none big enough to make me meltdown in tears during Sunday School They were big, messy, heart wrenching tears. I kept praying that the tears would stop but they refused to. Si I kept my head bowed and hoped I wasn't being too obvious. Kiana whispered, "Mom, are you sick?" She kept looking at me with concern which made the tears come faster and harder. I was ready to tell Dean we have to go home but I prayed that if God wants us to stay for the remainder of the service, he would dry up my tears. He did, so we stayed although we left immediately afterward, much to the children's dismay.

The rest of the day, was hard and try as I might I couldn't figure out what was wrong, so I blamed it on withdrawal. This morning I had a memory from several years ago on FB and I knew what was wrong. Yesterday was Braden's birthday! I knew it was coming up and I had determined not to let it catch me off guard because the same thing has happened before. But as usual, life got busy and I forgot. What a good reminder that, "The Body Never Forgets."

Our bodies were designed to retain information but sometimes that retaining means our hearts are broken again and again. Our minds forget but our bodies never forget what we have gone through. I remember reading somewhere that when you experience something too painful to think on, your brain provides a barrier and you "forget" until such a time as you are emotionally strong enough to process the loss. I think that is what my brain is doing, little by little I grieve those painful years and all that happened. If I remembered it all at once, I would likely experience a mental break down. I find this is very true with our children, there are some things we work through time and again and each time, new memories/thoughts are recalled and a bit more healing is accomplished. 

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A Busy But Blessed Week

Last week I took Joseph to the ER because he had an irregular heart beat. This was the second time it happened and we decided it was time to get it checked out. All the tests came back negative so the doctor told me to take him to a pediatric cardiologist just to make sure everything is really okay.

Joseph was quite fascinated by the monitors. The nurse explained what each line was for and he listened intently. I was a little concerned how the ER personnel would relate to him but his stuffed puppy and "overwhelmed Joseph grin," took care of any explaining I may have had to do.

Monday morning found us at the cardiologist where he was diagnosed with an innocent heart murmur. His doctor recommended we increase his fluids and see if that makes a difference. Our other option was to wear a monitor for 30 days. Not something I want to do if we don't have to. Joseph loves all things mechanical and I know he wouldn't be able to leave his hands off the monitor.

One day as one child was yelling some rather nasty words at me, the van from Royers drove in. Thanks to my friend for thinking of me, it made my day so much brighter! 

On Tuesday Lia had an OT eval with the beloved Miss Barlett. She qualifies for services so we will add weekly OT appointments to our schedule. Miss Barlett was Joseph's OT about two years ago and when it was recommended that I take Lia for an OT evaluation there was no question about where I would take her. Miss Barlett is firm, but has a cheerful, fun loving personality that my children respond to. My sister in law blessed us with a meal which she dropped off before I left for Lia's OT appointment. 

On Wednesday we babysat for a friend of ours. The children love having a new playmate.

Thursday was Joseph's routine psych appointment, the one I despise. I failed to bring a book along for Joseph which was mistake number one. However I was counting on them having the TV on with a children's show which holds Joseph's attention as we wait. The waiting room was pretty full and the majority of the folks seemed to be in a rather foul mood. One mother/son had a few rounds while Joseph looked on wide eyed. The mother of another patient went toe to toe with the receptionist and then proceeded to have a long, detailed discussion on her phone that gave Joseph's ears something else to listen to! When they finally called Joseph back 40 minutes later I was about frazzled (alot more went on that I won't relate here). Joseph always comes unglued at these appointments because he knows the doctor will ask lot's of questions and he cannot understand them because of his accent. This means every time the doctor asks a question, Joseph looks at me for clarification and I fear it makes it look like I don't allow Joseph to talk. Maybe this doctor asks all these questions because he remembers his first visit with Joseph when he announced that he wants to be a butcher when he grows up! In reality I know why he asks each and every question and it would save us both time n stress if I could say, "He is safe, he feels loved, he has friends and he can do his school work," and leave it at that.

This morning I took Kiana for some fasting lab work her nutritionist wanted done. It wouldn't be so bad but she had to go for food allergy testing to another lab last week, then we learned that the sample wasn't viable because it got too cold during transport. I am awaiting a new test kit and when that one is filled I hope to be done for awhile. Thankfully the tech's were excellent this morning, even Kiana had to begrudgingly admit that they were pretty good.

Keep on keeping on for...."In due season ye shall reap if ye faint not."   Galatians 6:9

When Routine Is Disrupted - Chaos Ensues

Children with early childhood trauma thrive on routine. Routine means security, it means they don't have to wonder what will happen next, it means they don't have to fear that they will experience pain or harm from an unknown experience. Even simple things like going to Grandpa n Grandma's house is scary. They know they are safe there but that fear that was planted deep into their psych when they were but infants refuses to allow them to enjoy activities without becoming hyper vigilant.

Beginning this week, Dean will be working night shift in order to get a project completed. The children are.a.mess. They didn't do too bad until today, then it all broke loose. Joseph has been super hyper vigilant. He see's everything that goes on around him, hears everything that is said and has the solution to every thing that befalls anyone in the house...but he is unable to keep at his school work, he can't follow instructions, he forgot how to eat pizza and wanders around the house as if he is a stranger in his own home. Kiana reacted in what is typical for her, outright defiance, meltdowns and rage. Ask her to do something and she will do it halfway, pretend she didn't hear you or lets out her big feelings at the top of her lungs. Lia cries and cries and cries. Monday night we called Dean and a few minutes of Face Time with her daddy made her feel ever so much better. Tristan was getting fed up with his siblings reactions and tried to step in which only made matters worse. I told him he is the man of the house and he cannot allow the younger one's big feelings to upset him. He responded that the man of the house wouldn't let them get away with such acting which is true, but the man of the house would understand what is going on and redirect them

Sometimes I get frustrated with the seeming lack of progress my children are making in dealing with their trauma. We have done years of therapy and go out of our way to help them feel safe and secure but still they struggle. Then I had a "trauma flashback" that put this in perspective.

On Sunday our teacher asked if anyone would share a time when they were at the end of themselves and God answered their prayer. My stomach knotted, I got hot from head to toe, my heart started racing and my throat choked up. In that instant I was back in the room with CYS being told that I was a horrible, mentally ill mother and that Dean and I were abusive parents. My legs were weak and trembling and I feared I was about to experience a panic attack right then. Thankfully I got my emotions under control and was able to remain in the room. I remember thinking, "This is how the children feel when they are triggered." I was sure I wouldn't forget that lesson right away but a few days later found me feeling overwhelmed and frustrated with their trauma responses.

If I have such intense reactions to things that happened to me as an adult when I had a semblance of control over the situation, how much more intense must it be for children who zero control over their safety and well being?

I know if I am calm, quiet and gentle they respond so much better but it seems I can take it too a certain level then my brain screams for peace and quiet. I become almost frantic in my need for the noise to cease and the stress to fade away. A friend who has a newborn who was born addicted to drugs said a nurse told her that babies born with drugs in their system have no tolerance window. They need their needs met NOW or they become inconsolable. I tucked that nugget of truth away and decided that maybe I should show my "drug addicted brain" that is going through withdrawal some grace.

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When Your Child Has Been Diagnosed With FASD

So, you recently learned your child has FASD, now what? I am frequently contacted by parents who's child has been diagnosed and they are fearful, lost and overwhelmed which is completely understandable when you are looking at something as complex as FASD. Here is some of the information I give them:

It is an overwhelming diagnosis, with lifelong implications so it is understandable if you feel discouraged, angry or even bitter. Give yourself some time to grieve, show yourself some grace because you will need it in the days ahead. 

While FASD is a lifelong disability there are many things you can do to make life easier for you and your child. You are going to mess up, sometimes majorly, but don't give up because each morning brings a new day. One of the positive things about FASD, is that those with this disability  are always willing to give you another chance if they know you have their back.

Join a support group. There are some excellent ones on FB.  Flying With Broken Wings and Parenting FASD Kids are two of my favorites. These parents have seen it all from infants with failure to thrive to teens/young adults who need out of home living supports. When I am faced with a new behavior of Joseph's or he does something that I cannot make sense of these are the groups I go to for advice. If you can find a live support group in your area, that is awesome. NOFAS is an excellent source of information if you are trying to understand FASD.

Next put interventions in place. If your child is melting down that is a sign that he needs more support. If the meltdowns happen over getting dressed, he may need you to choose his clothing and hand them to him in the order he is to put them on. He may need you to dress him even though he is way beyond the age where children typically need help dressing. If the meltdowns happen when you go out in public he may be overwhelmed with the noise, action, bright lights or the need to converse with people. If they happen at bedtime perhaps a weighted blanket, soft music or night light would be helpful. These are just a few of the things that bring on meltdowns for those with FASD. Keep in mind that your child will respond to things in his own unique way and require intervention that is specifically designed just for him.

Your child may become overstimulated quite easily and you will need to step in and monitor his interactions with others. This is something many with FASD, but not all, struggle with. If this is an issue, you will need to step back from the busyness of life. This isn't easy but is sometimes the key to getting your child back on track.

Let go of what is typical for a children your child's age. Our children with FASD typically function at half their Chronological Age. This means your 2 year old presents as a 1 year old but your 18 year old may present nearer to a child who is 9 years old. The older your child is, the more complex this becomes. In our state you can get your license when you are 16 but if your sixteen year old functions at a 8/9 year old level, he will not have the executive functioning necessary to handle a vehicle safely. He may also have a hard time making good judgement calls in the places he goes and the friends he keeps.

There will be days when you feel alone, days when you cry, "Why me, why my child?" You will be horrified when you see pregnant women drinking alcohol. You will get weary of "fighting" school and law personnel as you try to get your child the services he needs. Your days will be consumed with making life easier for your child so that you in turn can enjoy life because as any parent will tell you, "When your child with FASD is struggling, the whole family struggles."

Your child may lash out at you in anger but try not to take it personally, even though it is sometimes nearly impossible, because he will let his pain out with those he trusts. Never forget your child needs you even if his words and actions appear to show otherwise. When your child lashes out, go to someone who understands, then laugh n cry together. A friend and I text regularly and laugh over the craziness of our lives.

You will have to build new dreams but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. You will find pleasure in watching your child succeed and knowing you have helped him reach his goals. You will learn that you can do hard things, you can overcome and in the end, hopefully you can say, "I wouldn't trade my experiences for anything!" Even though if you could you would do all in your power to heal your child.


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When Trauma Derails Your Parenting

When you have a child with trauma, especially complex trauma, you need to be the stable, unshakable adult. When your child is sad he needs you to comfort him, when he is excited he needs you to help him restore calm, when he is overwhelmed he needs you to make his world smaller and assure him you are in control.

That sounds easy and uncomplicated, it is what every mom does, right? It is, but when your child has trauma, there isn't anything easy about it. Your child has to "give" his pain to someone and that someone is usually mom. That means that all the anger he has at his birth parents, all the anger and sorrow he feels about his situation and all the "it's my fault" pain which is usually portrayed as anger is directed at the one person who is also responsible for meeting his needs. Needing mom, while also blaming her for his troubles creates a confusing scenario for the child. 

What we don't often talk about is how confusing this can be for the parents, especially the mom who, as I said before typically bears the brunt of the negative behaviors. 

Mom is usually the one who spends the most time with the child so she is the one who attends therapy appointments, psych consults and specialist appointments. She is the one who needs to build a bond with her child...the one who needs to teach her child how to build relationships so he can go on to have healthy social/emotional relationships with his peers. 

Mom is the one who analyzes each behavior, each response to any given situation. She constantly takes her child's emotional temperature. Is he becoming overstimulated, is he afraid, is he acting in such a manner to manipulate people, is he safe, are the people around him safe? After you parent a traumatized child for a while you become adept at unconsciously taking this temperature and adjusting your child's world accordingly. 

All this is necessary for your child to achieve optimum emotional health but there is a pit that mom can easily fall into, one into which I fell headlong and floundered until my dear friend came to my rescue.

Years of analyzing my children's every act and word so that we can jump on the necessary help, made me see a lion behind every bush. My children subconsciously picked up on my anxiety over what may be hiding behind their actions. This brought about exactly the opposite effect from what we were trying to do...create felt safety.

I sent my friend, who is my mentor in all things trauma, an email detailing what is going on with my child, what I think is the cause and where I fear we are headed. "What do you think is going on?" I asked and as I expected she came through with just what I needed. 

"You need to back off and stop being so invested in your child's emotions," she counseled. Now that may sound counter intuitive to what you know about attachment parenting but I well remember when we had to do just that with Braden. There is a a quote floating around in the trauma world that advises, "You cannot try harder than your child." Meaning that the parents cannot do all the work in building a relationship with their child while he sits by and does nothing. Relationships are a two way street and both parties have to put forth effort.

I knew I was taking my child's actions personally, when she had a bad day, I agonized over why. I tried to figure out what I had done wrong, what I could have done differently and most of all, where would we find the help we needed? Was there help for us, for her? On her good days, I analyzed every action again, trying to figure out what had made the day a success. Deep down though, I was anxious because I knew it wouldn't last so I was waiting for the inevitable fall out.

"You need to step back and give one line responses to the negative behavior, don't invest so much of yourself. See if that doesn't lower your anxiety which in turn will lower her's." Coming from anyone else I would have questioned how this could possibly work but this friend has walked the trauma journey far longer and further than I have and her advice has always been what we needed to hear. So beginning today, we are going to love our child/ren but try to stay out of the crazy trauma cycle so we can be the strong, stable parents they need.

*I refer to mom in this post as the one who bears the brunt of the child's trauma response to make my post less wordy but "primary caregiver" could be used in place of "mom." 

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A.C.E.'s, Toxic Stress And Adoption

How do you help a 10 year old make good choices when she see's no need to do so? Everything that happens is because she was adopted. Adoption can leave a huge hole in a child's heart, one we as parents are powerless to fix as long as the child refuses to acknowledge that there is a problem. To keep from thinking of the pain she turns her brain off. She has become quite adept at this and I find it scary because I know where such actions can lead. Is learned dissociation less serious then when someone does it in order to survive a situation that is unbearable? Or are they one and the same? 

Another tactic is to stuff the hurt and pretend everything is okay. She stuffs her feelings until they erupt. I told her that stuffing her feelings is like stuffing trash into the garbage can. If you don't empty the garbage, it turns stinky and overflows making everything smell bad. If you empty the garbage can, the bad smell goes away and you can go on with life. "The big feelings that you don't want to deal with are beginning to smell and overflow into your actions. This overflow is causing you to make poor choices and do things that you know are wrong."

It is so hard to see your child heading down a path you know they will someday regret. I know she is hurting and I wish I could help her win the war that is going on in her heart. 

Earlier this week I was watching a documentary called Paper Tigers. It is about a school that uses a trauma informed approach to teaching/education. They teach their students about the A.C.E.'s - adverse childhood effects and how they play a huge role in the decisions the students make. Children with high A.C.E.'s live with something called toxic stress.

Harvard's Center On The Developing Child explains toxic stress like this: Extensive research on the biology of stress now shows that healthy development can be derailed by excessive or prolonged activation of stress response systems in the body and brain. Such toxic stress can have damaging effects on learning, behavior and health across a lifespan."

Our brains are designed to react to danger by becoming hyper vigilant. We are on high alert, ready for whatever our brain perceives as a threat. This is well and good because this rapid response is what can protect us from harm. After the danger has passed our brain sends out signals that calm our bodies and we return to a relaxed state. When a child is constantly in high stress situations his brain is always turned on and eventually he begins to view everything as a threat to his safety. This is detrimental to a child's emotional and physical well being and creates a situation referred to as toxic stress.

Knowing this and knowing that the stress level in our home is typically in the red zone, makes me despair for our children's future, especially for those who already have high A.C.E.'s. There are many days when it feels like a we go in a circle. A child creates chaos, the other children react and till we get them calmed the first child is back to acting out! The good news is that the one thing that can help children with toxic stress is something that we can provide. The presence of a stable, caring adult in the child's life can provide the security a child needs to begin the healing process. 

I have been clinging to this because so often in the face of our children's emotional pain, Dean and I feel helpless. We don't know what to say, we can't relate, we can't promise that everything will be okay. But we can promise that we will stand by our children through the tough times. And pray, how we pray for our children!

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Adoption = Bittersweet Moments & Memories

"Welcome to our family Kiana Faith! Her adoption is over and she is ours!!! Thank you Jesus! All that work and time only to have the court proceedings over in about three minutes. Thanks to all who came to show your support."

This came up in my FB memories today and suddenly things became clearer! Kiana had a good week about a month ago giving us hope that maybe things were getting better but then it all crashed and crashed hard, leaving me sorting through the mishmash of clues trying to find a common denominator. I was sure something was causing this angst, insecurity, self loathing and rage, but what? 

There was a time when I would have never forgotten that an adoption anniversary was coming up. I had placement dates, final visit dates, adoption dates, all our CPS trauma dates as well as the dates when B went to TAP, the date we made final plans for his future as well as his re adoption date all down. If someone was having a particularly rough time of it, I mentally went over those dates to see if any coincided with the child's meltdown, if so, I had my answer. Anymore, our family has so many trauma dates that I live from day to day and forget half of them.

This is a side of adoption that is rarely focused on. We rejoice when a child is placed with a family who will love and nurture them. We celebrate adoptions (and rightly so!) but fail to acknowledge the flip side, that of pain and loss.

I pulled out Kiana's photo album and she has been poring over it, reading the captions and looking with longing eyes at the photo's of her birth parents. This is another aspect of adoption that is rarely talked about - the longing for birth parents. Many people feel threatened when their child expresses a desire to have a relationship with their birth parents but Dean and I choose to embrace that desire and do what we can to make it possible. 

We love Kiana dearly but we know there will always be a piece of her heart that she reserves for her birth parents and that is good and right. As we explained to her last night, "The Bible says a mother will never forget her baby. We also know that children never forget their birth parents." That seemed to comfort her a wee bit. Sometimes when we are having life changing discussions with our children about things we have never experienced and as a result feel out of our depth, Dean and I are constantly praying for the right words because the wrong ones could have such a painful impact on our children. 

Bittersweet is the perfect word to describe adoption. Bitter because of the circumstances necessitating adoption and sweet for the awesome privilege calling another parents child our own. 

Kiana's adoption announcements: