Our Family Trip

We received tickets to the Creation Museum and the Ark Encounter through SWAN. We left Wednesday afternoon and came home last evening. Everyone had fun, but we all (or most of us) agreed that it is wonderful to be home again!

There were life sized displays throughout the Ark. Joseph asked me several times if those are real people!

Walking into the ark

We were so busy trying to keep our crew in line, we forgot to take a picture of the front of the Ark. We got this shot from the parking lot.

There were a few live animals inside the Ark.

The back of the Ark

This is how Joseph spent a great deal or our trip. Squinted eyes and his coat hood pulled up. The noise and lights were too much for him. In hindsight I should have brought noise blocking head phones and sun glasses. If it would be acceptable, I would have also brought a leash. Keeping track of three children who are easily distracted was quite a task.

We walked through Christmas Town at the Creation Museum early so we could beat the crowds. The brochure said they have tens of thousands of visitors who come just to see Christmas Town and from the preparations under way, it appeared they were prepared for just that.

Dean bought the children each a cup of hot chocolate. You should have seen their eyes light up! I told him he went up another step in their minds.

This girl was delighted with her very own cup, best of all it had a lid!!!

There Creation Museum had a small petting zoo

We ate at Cracker Barrel on Saturday evening. We were all tired of fast food!

I hurt my back a few days before we left on our trip. Lia was pleased to be my head prop,

Our motel had a pool, much to the children's delight.

Walking into the Creation Museum

Kiana and Joseph weren't impressed with the dinosaurs. Kiana kept asking me if they are still dinosaurs around and how do I know that they are extinct?

One final picture. The party was pretty much over at this point. The attitudes from a lack of sleep, structure and all the excitement were getting the best of everyone.

A few things we did to keep everyone as regulated as possible was:

-brought our own healthy snacks

-made sure the children ate enough protein

-went to bed early when possible

-went over rules before going into a restaurant or museum

-went prepared for things to be a bit rough so we weren't disappointed when things didn't go as planned.

Last night I asked Dean if he would take off work today because I anticipated having three very dysregulated little people. He asked if I was dreading today and I said, "Let's just say I am preparing for the worst, but hope to be pleasantly surprised." Amazingly enough, our morning wasn't any worse than any other school morning!  

What Would We Do Differently If We Could Have A Redo?

This picture came up in my FB memories this morning. Many pictures of him make me feel sad and sick at heart but this one is precious. I remember taking this picture after a particularly rough day although I can no longer remember what made it tough. Dean and I were determined to show him that we love him but we didn't understand that while you can show all the love you want, unless a child feels that love, it will not fulfill it's intended purpose.

This was before we knew about TBRI and the need to parent traumatized children differently. We knew that what we were doing wasn't working but had no idea what to do next. We didn't know about FASD and how it clouds and distorts a persons view of the world. We parented him just like we were raised and this does NOT work for our children from hard places. 

It is hard to look back and see all the mistakes we made. I am often tempted to wonder if things would be different if only we had known back then what we know now. Would we be a family of 7 instead of a family of 6? How much healthier would our children be if they hadn't been through a CYS investigation and adoption disruption? How much more trusting would Dean and I be? But my mind always goes full circle and I come back to the fact that we honestly did the best we knew with what we had and "our" little boy is having his needs met with his new family in ways our family never could have provided.

So if we could go back, if we would be granted a redo, what would we do differently?

- Attend a training in TBRI before bringing traumatized children into our home.

- We would bring one child into our home at a time and make sure they are fully bonded and secure before bringing in more children

-We would keep our interactions with the outside world to a bare minimum the first months.

- We would do our best to Meet Our Child At His Level versus the level on which his peers are at

- We would practice Felt Safety

- We would realize that Love Is Not Enough

- We would be on the lookout for Trauma Triggers, realizing that what appears to be negative behavior may actually be a trauma trigger

But despite all the things we wish we would have done differently and the many times we fall into the "why us" mentality, we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that There Is Safety In Being In The Center Of God's Will

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Can Anyone Hear The Cry?

Can anyone hear the cry of adoptive families?

Adoption is beautiful, it is a blessing, it creates new family's, it brings joy to empty homes and hearts, it gives a needy child a family.......

BUT

What many people don't understand about adoption, especially when children are adopted through foster care, is that these children are victims of trauma, of abuse and neglect. Many of them suffer from internal wounds that no one can see. When you bring them into your family, you are taking on that pain and you NEED outside support. Just like your child relies on you to help him find healing, you rely on outside support to hold up your weak arms while you help your child and that is where the ball is often dropped. I don't think it is intentionally. I think the general public simply has no idea what is involved in parenting traumatized children. They don't see how draining it is to do everything in your power to avert a rage. They don't see the pain the siblings endure. They don't see the hot tears coursing down a mothers cheeks when she really, truly doesn't feel able to go another day...and has been pushing through this for months and years.

Recently another adoptive mom asked me what she can do to help and I just looked at her and shrugged my shoulders. She smiled and said, "That is what we always say, isn't it?" 

I think this is part of the problem, we are in so deep and there is so much at stake that we really don't know what we need, or we fear the response if we are vulnerable.

-What we really need someone who is able to come alongside our family and willingly learn what our children need to stay regulated and bonded with us. 

-We need someone who will follow our seemingly crazy rules and be sure our children comply with them because this is the only way our children will feel safe.

-We need people trained in trauma and attachment, people who can take our raging child when we have reached the limit, people who can give us a break without further damaging the already shaky bond between us and our child.

-We need people who aren't afraid to stand their ground and will speak words of truth when a child, because of the pain in his heart, is doing his best to decimate his adoptive family.

-People who understand that our children aren't "bad" they are traumatized, they have brain damage. They need love and acceptance.

-We need people willing to show our children grace for behaviors that may appear appalling.

-We need mentors for our biological children and our adopted children who have strong bonds. Their sibling's trauma creates secondary trauma which can quickly create a traumatized family where healing is hard to find.

-We need someone to say I am going to do ___________ for you. If you ask if there is something we need, chances are we won't be able to come up with a coherent response.

-We need friends who are willing to carry one sided relationships (thanks to those of you who do this for us. You know who you are!)

The quote, "It takes a village to raise a child," is especially true when a child has experienced pain and loss. We, the adoptive parents aren't enough, we simply don't reach around. Many parents feel guilty asking for help because it was their choice to adopt. I struggle for this as well but many, if not most parents had no idea of the battles ahead when they brought their hurting child home. They thought they were enough, only to discover the void in their child's heart was deeper and more vast than they ever thought. 

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Holiday Brain - Living With FASD

The Thanksgiving-Christmas season is not for the faint of heart when your child has FASD. Throw in a birthday just a few days after Christmas and the drama only intensifies.

Yesterday Joseph's brain literally went AWOL. He couldn't function. It was almost like having an 18 month old again but this toddler weighs 80 plus pounds, can run, call names, fling toys with enough force to hurt someone (usually mom) and to make it even scarier, the general public assumes that he is perfectly "normal" and anything he says is taken at face value. Sometimes I wish I could hang a sign around his neck explaining his diagnosis and how it affects him.

Perserveration is a symptom of FASD and currently gifts are Josephs main focus. He loves looking through catalogs which is nice because they keep him happy and occupied for a long time. The downside is that he see's all kinds of things he wants and he has to tell me all about them. Then he keeps asking, "What are you going to get me for Christmas? If you don't get me _________ you can buy it for my birthday. How many more days until my birthday?" And on and on until I tell him, "You may look at the catalog but if you keep begging, I will put it away." He agree's but not a minute later he is back at it. I remind him that there is to be no begging and he sigh's and says, "Sorry mom, I forgot. I will be quiet now." Guess what happens 30 seconds later? Yes, he is back to telling me what he wants. Sometimes I remove the catalog, other times I know he cannot remember from one moment to the next, so I just close my ears.

He eyeballs every box and package that comes in the mail. Asks me where I went shopping and reminds me of everything said store may carry. December is spent thinking of gifts. I guess I can just be thankful that Christmas and his birthday are within the same week. We have one solid month of dysregulation versus two months of it.

Yesterday was particularly rough for him. I have never seen him so spaced. His brain refused to focus for more than a few seconds at a time, not nearly long enough to figure out one math problem, much less do a test like he was supposed to. After an hour of trying different methods to get his brain to function, during which he ran away, screamed at me and slammed doors, I told him he doesn't have to do school work today. Guess what happened? He had a full on meltdown. Trashing his room, throwing things and screaming even louder. He finally fell on his bed, sobbing his heart out. I hate hearing him cry like that because I know it is coming from a place of deep pain and I can't make it better for him. Eventually he was able to play with his Lego's but beyond that he couldn't follow even simple commands.

I know what he needs, a smaller world, but how to do that is the problem because the poor boy already has such a limited existence. If anyone out there has tips on making a small world smaller, I am all ears. He wants to do things, he wants to be helpful but he is unable to realize his limitations which means mom gets the blame. He tells me time and again, "You just want me to have a boring life, you don't let me do anything fun!" I wish I could help him understand that we are helping him enjoy life by providing boundaries but he doesn't have the ability to understand such abstract concepts. 

Last night he had another meltdown just before bedtime. He was doing a chore and it was not going well so I told him to put his pj's on. He pounded and kicked his bedroom walls while screaming how unfair life is. I was thinking of calling Dean to come in and deal with him when he calmed down and crawled into bed. I was sweeping the floor when I heard a little voice calling, "Mom, I want to tell you something." I opened his door and he said, "Sorry I screamed at you, tomorrow will be a better day." I assured him I loved him and all was well. Sadly FASD is getting in the way again and today isn't much better than yesterday. Oh well, it's December so we will hunker down until January!

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Does A Lack Of Storms = Peace?

Once there was a King who offered a prize to the artist who would paint the best picture of peace. Many artists tried. The King looked at all the pictures, but there were only two he really liked and he had to choose between them.

One picture was of a calm lake. The lake was a perfect mirror, for peaceful towering mountains were all around it. Overhead was a blue sky with white puffy clouds. All who saw this picture thought that it was a perfect picture of peace.

The other picture had mountains, too. But these were rugged and bare. Above was a sky from which rain fell and in which lightening played. Down the side of the mountain tumbled a foaming waterfall. This did not look peaceful at all. But when the King looked, he saw behind the waterfall a tiny bush growing in a crack in the rock. In the bush a mother bird had built her nest. There, in the midst of the rush of angry water, sat the mother bird on her nest in perfect peace.

Which picture do you think won the prize? The King chose the second picture. Do you know why? 

"Because," explained the King, "Peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. Peace means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart. That is the real meaning of peace."

                        - A Gift Of Inspiration

This story got me to thinking and I realized, yet again, that I have it all wrong. I have this mindset that the absence of rage, meltdowns and mental health struggles would create an atmosphere of peace in our home. But in reality it is the calmness in my heart despite these things that really brings peace.

This type of situation has the power to drag you down into depths of despair. It feels like there is no way out. Well, truthfully there is no way out, you are stuck and this can produce fear and panic. When you know that tomorrow will be no better than today, the coming year will not be better than the one just past, and in fact it may well be worse, you develop a sense of hopelessness. 

When you conquer one storm only to have another take it's place time and again, you begin to give up. 

How do you get that peace when all around the tempest is raging... has been raging for years....and will continue to rage for years to come?

First, it is impossible on your own you need JESUS to give you the ultimate peace. Secondly, you need accept that this is the path God has called you too and thirdly, you need to hand it over to God time and again. Remember it isn't the absence of the storm that brings peace but having a place of refuge and trusting that if God has brought you to it, He will bring you through it.

I think I need to print this story out and hang it on my refrigerator so I have a visual reminder that peace isn't the absence of storms, but a feeling of peace and trust within the heart.

Striving For Success - Living With FASD

The best outcome for individuals with Fetal Alcohol comes from making sure they can. Ask yourself, "Am I setting them up for success or failure?" Don't put them in a situation you know isn't going to turn out well. - Jeff Noble

Jeff is spot on with this advice. Time and again when I talk with parents who have a child with FASD they say, "But I want my child to be able to have fun in life. It isn't fair if he can't go out with his friends or have his own pocket money." Parents of younger children say, "It isn't fair if my child can't have toys in his room and no media time when his siblings can." First, FASD isn't fair to anyone. Not to the individual affected, not to the parents, not to the siblings. It is best for everyone if you can simply stop trying to be fair. Try to be understanding and empathetic instead. You may be surprised at the outcome.

I will admit that it is hard to give up the hopes and dreams you had for your child. But just because your child has FASD doesn't mean you can't dream at all, it may simply mean changing your dreams. Helping your child succeed while he is young will set the stage for when he is older, plus it will greatly improve your relationship with him/her. 

If your child isn't doing well at school, find out what you can do to support him. Many times individuals with FASD can succeed if given the right supports. Joseph wasn't doing well in a regular classroom at school. He was distracted and distracted others. The field trips and parties were too stimulating for him causing him to meltdown. So we tried one on one with him. He was in a room with his own teacher to guide and direct him. When he still struggled, we revamped his curriculum, when that didn't seem to solve the problem, we decided to home school. Guess what? He is doing amazingly well! He isn't doing 4th grade work, but he is doing a full work load in a lower grade and succeeding. Succeeding is the word we are focusing on. Not grade level work, not working in a classroom, but succeeding in what he is able to do.

Joseph can't handle crowds, or playing with a group of children. He gets overstimulated which will inevitably result in a meltdown. If he plays by himself or with one other child, he has fun without the meltdowns. Success! 

Joseph has a few chores which including helping clear the table, drying the cups and silverware and sometimes sweeping the kitchen floor. These are repetitious tasks and I am right there to help him out if he forgets how to do something. He does an excellent job with these chores. He puts the silver ware neatly in the door and makes sure the cups are dry and stacked in the cupboard. Sweeping the floor is a bit of a challenge but he is learning. I find if I teach him to do a job and make sure to teach him well, he can succeed and feel good about himself. 

Sometimes parenting a child with FASD can begin to feel hopeless. The child cannot seem to remember anything and is constantly acting out leaving you and him feeling like a failure. I suggest you mentally view him as several years younger than his chronological age and parent him accordingly. Give him chores, or jobs as Joseph calls them, that are within his "new age range." Keep your expectations within that range and you will find your child can succeed!

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Even If

I have had a jumble of thoughts whirling through my brain these past few days, along with a need to write a blog post but nothing came out right. It always sounded whiny or fake, two things I cannot abide! I wrote and deleted numerous posts, everything from Thanksgiving, to memories of Braden since it has been 3 years since he had his first home visit and 2 years since we made "The Visit" to TAP. None of it sounded right. A few moments ago a post with this song popped up and I was like, "That song is just what I have been trying to say without success!"

EVEN IF

They say sometimes you win some

Sometimes you lose some.

And right now, right now, I'm losing bad

I've stood on this stage night after night

Reminding the broken it'll be alright

But right now, right now I just can't

It's easy to sing

When there's nothing to bring me down

But what will I say 

When I'm held to the flame

Like I am right now

I know Your able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is in You alone

They say it only takes a little faith 

To move a mountain

Well good thing

A little faith, is all I have right now

But God, when You choose

To leave mountains unmoveable

Oh give me the strength to be able to sing

It is well with my soul

I know Your able and I know You can

Save through.......

-Mercy Me

This song perfectly portrays our current circumstances. Life is hard, so very hard and sometimes we ask, "Why Lord?" But underneath it all, we can say, "It is well with my soul," and in the end that is all that matters.

It is well even though Braden is no longer ours and as time moves on and we heal, the what if's and if only's are right there to torment me.

It is well even though FASD may affect more children in our family than we ever dreamed.

It is well even though our teen age son struggle's with the particular battle he has to fight, the battle of traumatized siblings.

It is well even though there are days when the sun refuses to shine and the clouds of pain and sorrow hang heavy over our home.

It is well because of JESUS! It is well because we know that he has a plan for everything that comes our way even when we cannot fathom why we have to continue wading through tough situations.

Even if God doesn't provide the relief we are asking for, we know he will provide the strength to go one more step, one more moment, one more day.

Even if our children make choices that hurt themselves and others when we yearn to provide for them, God knows we tried, and we know God loves them more than we ever could.

Even if we feel forsaken on every side due to the trauma that our family has endured, God will provide. He has never failed us yet. When life seems too hard, He reminds us of  reasons to live, to keep on keeping on.