Two Years Ago

   Two years ago I was on my way to TAP to pick up Braden for his first home visit. We had high hopes that he would heal and while we were nervous about this first home visit, we thought he was on the road to healing.
  Today I am holding down the sofa, counting the hours until daddy comes home. 
    Here is the post I wrote about Braden's home visit: Bradens Home Visit

Fatigue Times Ten

     The fatigue that blindsided me the past weeks, caught me by surprise. There have been many times through the years when a debilitating fatigue has come and settled in for a lengthy visit. The kind of tiredness that makes me set the cruise coming up the drive and looking forward to surgery because I know I can sleep as much as I wish. 
                     
       This week has me envying the animals that have the privilege of hibernating all winter. Wouldn't it be wonderful to sleep for months on end?

    Mom's who have been through similar circumstances said, "Give yourself time, it will get better... maybe in a year." I wanted to cry, a year?!! 
               
    I thought handing Braden's care onto someone else would bring healing and I could relax, I didn't think I be so tired I can hardly function. I guess all the years of being strong, of constantly being on guard for the next problem and trying to make everything okay have taken a larger toll than I thought.
    
    The quote about resting after a shower is meant to be humorous but sadly there is a lot of truth in it.

   My friend had an awesome analogy: If there is an accident and someone is trapped beneath a vehicle, rescuers can lift that vehicle off the victim, thanks to the surge of adrenaline they 
experience, but afterward they are exhausted. Parenting a child with RAD is like constantly lifting that car, our bodies are designed to endure bursts of adrenaline to help us in dangerous situations but we were not created for a constant flow of adrenaline. 
   Eventually our adrenal glands deplete themselves, and most times that is when people crash and get the rest and help they need. But when you are a mom and responsible for the care and safety of an emotionally unstable child, you keep going because the alternative is....well, there isn't an alternative. Mom is the one who must care for the child if he is to have a chance at healing. 
   Then when the responsibility of your child's care is transferred to other capable shoulders, you anticipate, at least I did, more energy and the desire to enlarge your relationships, instead you get debilitating fatigue. Yuck!

                                
          

"I am so happy I got this debilitating fatigue so I can stay in bed for the rest of my life instead of participating in society," said no tired person ever.


                                          
                     

Blessed By Others

    Braden and the help we sought for him has always been a controversial subject, but one Dean and I, especially me, need to talk about so we can understand and process what we are experiencing.      The subject was met with a variety of responses; skepticism, doubt, pity, sympathy and the list goes on. Not that we blame anyone for their response, we responded the same way to some of the things that happened before our eyes, wondering if what we witnessed was in reality or a dream. 
   Because of our previous experiences, we were hesitant to share that Braden would be moving to a new family, even though we knew we were making the best choice for him. When your heart is hurting it is scary making yourself vulnerable to further pain. Last night I was pondering this and God impressed upon my heart that this fear was the very same fear Braden faced. The fear of rejection, the fear of further pain, only he didn't have a support system ( well, he did, he just didn't view us as such!) like Dean and I do. People we can go to, people who will pray for us, share their concerns and no matter the outcome, will support  and walk alongside us. I can't imagine going through life without that. Add to it the fact that Braden is just a child, one who trusts no one and it is very easy to see why he struggles.
   All that to say, we have been so blessed by the outpouring of love, prayers and support in the past weeks. People have gone out of their way to show they care and it has brought us to our knees in thankfulness time and again. What did we do to deserve such blessings? Thank you to everyone who reached out to us, may you be richly blessed!

Flowers from our church family

Sensory Beads For SPD

Do you need a special or unique gift? Try sensory beads! The perfect teething toy for your baby..... also an excellent toy for your oral sensory seeker. Does your child chew on his pencils, erasers, clothing or hands? Try sensory beads.

Pictured below are some of the beads I made for special orders.

Order your favorite color combo at sensorybeads@gmail.com

   15" - $15
   10" - $10
   
   Food grade nylon string, silicone beads, break away clasp.

Hard Days With FASD

On Sunday we went for a walk on the Horseshoe Trail which cuts through our woods. It was a beautiful day for a hike.

Joseph trudging along, it was tough going for him. Walking on uneven surfaces requires a great deal of balancing skills, something he struggles with. His OT is making a difference though, he seldom complained that his legs hurt or asked to go home.

Joseph is finding it difficult to cope with the social and emotional demands life has thrown his way. We are taking steps so that he will be better able to cope with the demands of life. However good things take time so until everything falls into place we do all we can to help him and try to keep the tantrums to a dull roar.

Over the weekend his eczema got really bad. It was worse than it has ever been, his steroid cream didn't begin to touch it. So I called his doctor who called in a prescription for medication. He has been on it for 4 days now and his eczema is definitely improving but until we find ways to make life less stressful, he will continue to break out. The dermatologist was asking all kinds of questions, trying to figure out what brought on the outbreak. I explained that stress brings on the eczema (for the umpteenth time) so the doctor advised me to take him to his pediatrician and get him on anti anxiety medication. I told him that school isn't going well for Joseph, due to his FASD and while anti anxiety meds may alleviate the symptoms and they may be necessary someday, for now we need to work on lowering stress at school. I know I could home school and I may end up doing that but it is good for Joseph and I to get some time apart. 

FASD is so hard for both the parents and the child. Joseph tries to please us but he simply doesn't understand relationships. He may throw an hour long tantrum and I try all my tricks to pull him out of it without success. As suddenly as the tantrum began it is over and he "loves me like a 

 year old," and I say that with all due respect. He wants me to cuddle and rock him while he tells me how much he loves me. It took a lot of practice to be able to flip my internal switch and be the emotionally strong mom he needs in any given moment. His adoration is what keeps us going when things are tough. In his good moments we are the best parents and in his bad moments.....

Yesterday in the middle of a tantrum he said, "Mom, if you would just learn to obey me....!"

Don't Leave Me

Our house hasn't been the most pleasant place to be this past week. Simple request's such as, "Please set the table," have been met with stomping feet, loud voices and angry words. Jobs have been done half way or not at all. Ears don't hear what mom said, commands are ignored....all signs that something is wrong the question is, what, besides the obvious, I mean. Little Miss refused to talk, "Nothing is wrong!" She insisted while tears clogged her throat and ran down her cheeks. We tried cajoling, begging, pleading, writing, cuddling and consequences nothing worked. Oh she talked but she only gave excuses, the answers she always gives when she doesn't want to tell me the whole truth.
   Last night she came to me sobbing and showed me a page in the book,  The Night The Angel Came. She held up the book and pointed to a page, without saying a word. I told her to use her words because I wasn't sure what she was trying to tell me. She pointed to a phrase that goes something like this; "And then her mother turned and walked away and she never saw her again."
  Dropping the book she flung her arms around me and wailed, "Please don't leave me! I love you and I don't want you to go away!" I sat on the rocker and held her as she alternated between crying and begging me not to leave. 
   After a lot of talking, sending silent prayers heavenward and asking questions I finally began making sense of the tangle of thoughts she had been brooding over for the past week.
   She was thinking about her birth mom and now that she is growing older, she can understand a bit more of the circumstances surrounding the need for her to be removed from her birth parents and their subsequent failure to meet the criteria necessary to get her back. She has been battling feelings of anger, betrayal and worthlessness. As with many children who are adopted or in foster care, she wants to remain loyal to her birth family, but her increased understanding has brought her face to face with the messy reality that they did fail her. As an adult I can look at the big picture and take into consideration the problems they were facing, making it virtually impossible for them to care for her but she does not have the maturity to reason as an adult would and she is hurt. Naturally she is angry with them. Anger feels like betrayal to her, so guess who get's the brunt of her conflicting feelings? Yup, mom and dad, especially mom. 
   She is also old enough to know she hasn't been treating me right and felt guilty about that as well but she was powerless to sort out her conflicting emotions, so she bottled them up. Only they refused to stay bottled up and spilled over into her behavior.
   Reading the book about a little girl who was left at an orphanage brought a rush of guilt and fear to her heart and the dam broke. "I don't want you to go to another country and leave me here all by myself!" She wailed. I asked if I have ever left her before and she had to admit that I hadn't but her birth mom had so maybe I would too, she reasoned. I assured her I would do everything I could to keep her safe or rescue her if she were in an unsafe situation, no matter how much it cost me. I knew I had to be careful how I worded my answers to her questions because she was very vulnerable right then and I knew she would grab onto any new fears, real or imagined. 
   "What if someone were to come take me out of bed and I would never see you again?" She asked. I told her how Kobi walks around the house during the night barking at everything he hears as well as a host of things he thinks he hears. "Kobi wouldn't let anyone come into our house," I assured her. "But what if he were locked up in the shop, then someone could come," she countered. "True but you can make lot's of noise (she smiled at that) and I am sure mom and dad would hear if someone came into the house," I said. Obviously I can't be sure about all this but I needed to reassure her. However she wasn't reassured, she still felt unsafe. So I said, "You are forgetting one thing, GOD. He see's everything and he will keep you safe." She had an answer for that one though, "Then why didn't he keep me safe when I was with my birth mom?" 
  "He did," I said, "He had another mom and dad (us) all ready to take care of you. He was watching you all the time!" Thankfully that seemed to calm her, she asked if we could pray together and after we prayed she jumped into bed and whispered, "I will try to trust you."

   As always after such a conversation, my mind went to my relationship with Jesus. I knew my little girl had nothing to fear, I won't leave her, I will always love her, she is my daughter and nothing can change that. But she had experienced a great loss and though that hinders her ability to trust me, does it make me love her less? Absolutely not! In fact it makes me want to love and protect her even more. Jesus longs for us to trust him, just like I wish my daughter could trust me. The difference is, I am human and I may let her down, in fact I know I will sometimes but Jesus never will fail his children. He knows all about the pain and sorrow we face here on earth, he was here and experienced it first hand, plus he can see the big picture, he see's what us in our human reasoning cannot fathom. Why wouldn't I trust him?

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Q's Race To The Top

Look what came in the mail today!

   I can't wait to play this game with the children. I don't remember where I saw the game advertised, but the reviews were excellent. The game is designed to teach children interpersonal skills, an area where Joseph really struggles. Wouldn't it be wonderful if this game could help him?
    I know the girls will enjoy it and since it was designed for ages 3+ Lia will be able to join in, something that isn't always possible.

 
    You can buy the game here.